A Reflection Moment for Me

Our next poster is Anjeny. Whew, she's one busy lady with Seven! kids running around, from 17 years to 2 years! Her husband is patient she says and I'd have to say she must be too. Living the good life in Hawaii, she admits to being a rambler. If you're curious what she rambles about visit her blog at Ramblings of an Islander.

I have been thinking about writing this post since before the first post I wrote but I just couldn't really figure out how I should write it, so after reading Mr. Anonymous' response to Shelle's Toilet Seat post about sacrificing our need for the ones we love, I've decided to take a whack at it.

I've always thought of myself as a selfless person who is always giving up what I want or need above those I love, mainly my husband and kids. Before I met my husband, I had the dream of becoming a famous doctor who not only heal people but find cures for the impossible diseases and of course, my main reason for becoming a doctor was so that I can help people. I was going to be a career woman and just cater to my every whim and desires.

When I met my husband, I guess you could say that my perspective of things changed. After we got married and had our first child, we were attending school together and soon it became difficult for me to see our baby left behind with a sitter so I've decided to postpone my education to stay home with our child. It was hard for me because I loathe housekeeping but I love kids so I did what I had to do.

For years I've been at home, I believed I was actually doing a huge sacrifice for my family and therefore if ever my husband is unhappy about my lack of skills in the homemaking, he should just suck it in and bear it. I thought since I have to give up something I happen to care for to stay home and take care of our family then he does not have the right to complain about anything. I thought I was the most selfless person in the world but not until a couple of weeks ago that I realized that maybe I wasn't as selfless I thought I was. See, whenever we have an argument and he's venting his frustrations out verbally, I would always throw in his face about what I had to give up for our family.

A couple of weeks ago, he went on a business trip for a week, the first trip in a long time. While he was gone, we talked on the phone everyday, and in the evening he would log on msn with the camera so he could see us when he's talking to us. That helped out a lot with the kids and him; it lessened up his homesickness and helped us not to miss him so much, I guess you could say. So when he came back, it was as though he never left because of the every day communication we had together while he was away; nonetheless, the kids were really excited to see him back.

I was happy to see him home because let's face it, having to take care of the kids for a whole week by myself made me feel like a single mom and for a little while there, I had a little glimpse of how hard it must be for single moms to take on the parent responsibilites all on their own. And the fact that it was Spring Break, I now had these kids under-foot all day long and no one to pawn them off on when I need to break from them. Although I was happy to see him, I kept thinking that he did not give us enough time for us to miss too much. Not until the next morning when we were in bed and I had him all to myself that I was looking at him, truly looking at him that I realized I love this man with all my heart, might, mind and soul. All those little irritations I have about him, his sometimes so authoritative attitudes didn't seem so important anymore and I realized that this man would walk through fire for me, everything he does, he does it for me and the kids. All this time while I thought I was making sacrifices for our family, I never once thought that he was also doing that too. I never even thought that he may also have some dreams of his that he's putting on hold so that he can provide for our family, having some mediocre job to pay our bills, worrying about doing his best at his job so he doesn't lose it, making sure we have a roof over our head and food to eat, aside from all the other responsibilities that comes with fatherhood.

That got me thinking about our arugments we usually have. They always lead to the same thing but because I'm such a stubborn person, I always feel that he doesn't have any right whatsoever to make demands on me. Seriously, was it really so bad that all he ever ask of me was that I at least keep the house in decent shape so it doesn't look like there was a never-ending tornado in our house? I loathe housekeeping but I can do it when I am in the mood. And I think most of the time I keep the house in disarray just to get under his skin, don't ask me why, even I can't figure that one out. Mostly it was just my stupid thought that this is just a way of letting him know that I am my own person and I can do things without any input from him...I know, crazy but that was what went in my hard head sometimes.

So that morning when we were in bed, I was hit with the thought of how much I love my husband. Oh don't get me wrong, I always knew I love him, I just never had that hit hard realization that to truly love someone, you would sacrifice eveything willingly and gladly for that person and that you would do everything in your power to make that person happy. To truly love someone, you put their needs and wants above yours. I know I've done those things where I sacrifice a lot of own needs for someone else but I realized that I've only done it for the kids and never my husband. So many times I've put the kids' need above my husband because I thought since my husband and I are one, it's something we need to do but have I truly, ever truly put my husband's need above mine? Have I ever put his feelings in consideration above all else? I realized the answer is no. I just took it for granted that since we are the ones creating this family together that his needs and wants, if I ever have to meet them, it would be after I've made sure the kids' needs are met, all our other commitments are fulfilled and if there is any time or energy left then I can focus on him (after doing all that, you can see where he always end up, right? Way down the list). Then another thought hit me, if something were to happen to him I don't know how I would handle life after that. All of a sudden, I find I couldn't stop the tears that were flowing and I was choking on some sobs that I didn't want him to hear. But I guess being married to him for this long, he's learned my body language, every sound I made he knows them so he asked why I was crying. He wasn't even looking at me yet he knew.

So, I've decided right then and there that I would from now on, do whatever I have to do to make him happy. I would try to be more understanding of him and try to put myself in his shoes and see things from his point of view. I know I have the power within me to give him what he wanted out of our marriage, a wife who is happy with herself, her role as a mother and wife. I'm not saying that it's going to be easy but it's something I'm willing to give my all.


Anjeny