The Total Package...

What makes someone the total package? The stereotypical trio of tall, dark and handsome? The curvy blonde with legs that go on for days?

Perhaps, but I need more than just eye candy.  Despite my obsession with vampire fiction, even Kellan Lutz isn't my ideal guy. He's still my celebrity freebie though.  (You know, in that fantasy world where we would actually meet and he'd choose me over all the other women throwing themselves at him).

No. My ideal guy likes video games. He smokes. He's living paycheck to paycheck. And he's a Mets fan.  

 

Despite those faults (being a mets fan is by FAR his largest offense), he's been the one all others are measured against and found wanting...

I suppose this is where I should introduce a bit of history... We met in college after my world had been turned upside down by my ex turned stalker. At the time, I wouldn't let myself trust or care about anyone. After being hurt that badly, I went kind of numb, thinking that would be the way to ensure I wouldn't get hurt again.

I wasn't looking for him.  In fact, I think I convinced myself that someone like him didn't exist. But there he was...

Yes, I found him so attractive I couldn't look away when he entered the room. It wasn't just that I could lose myself in his eyes. Or that his confidence and cocky swagger were sexy as hell.

He was a great drinking buddy. A frat boy who could actually carry on a conversation about something other than sports and beer. A fiercely loyal friend. An amazing lover.

But he was so much more than all those things.

Even though I wanted to be invisible, he saw me. In a lot of ways, he knew me better than I knew myself.  At a time where I couldn't trust anyone, I trusted him completely.  With him, wrapped in his arms, it was the one place I felt completely safe, where I could be myself, wanting him to see the real me.  He deserved nothing less.

Sounds perfect, right? How could there not be a happy ending to this fairy tale?

 

The two of us shared so much - from stolen moments to our darkest secrets - except what was in our hearts.  By the time we realized what we had together, we were separated by about 10 states and were each attached to other people.  It was the most defining relationship of my life...

 

And yet he was never mine.

What about you?  Do you have a defining relationship?  Maybe with someone who isn't yours?  Or what about the one who is yours?  How have they defined what you have now?

Jaime

Dear You: Mom

Here's another great Dear You Letter!  I've got a few to post so I will also post one on Wednesday so make sure to comment and follow comments!  A lot of you have shared with me how it has been kind of nice to write what you have down... kind of freeing.  I'm so glad... I hope those of you that are wondering if you want to send a letter, that you do!

Dear You--Mom:

You stumbled over my blog by accident. I wasn't thrilled about it, particularly when you started trying to talk to me about my posts.  And I really wasn't happy when you started giving out the link to other people.  But I decided that wasn't going to stop me from writing what I want, how I want, when I want. 

But mom, now you've crossed the line.

You've been reading me for awhile, so you know I don't post about myself all that frequently. I write stories. Vampires. Crime. Whatever else pops into my head.  They are works of fiction.  Products of my overactive imagination.

Some of the tales are better than others.  Sometimes the stories write themselves, others I take months to polish until I get them right.

I've written stories that made you cry. That made you laugh out loud. That got you all hot and bothered. And that's the mark of a good writer - that I can make you feel...anything.

Just because I write about a vampire does not make me one. I write about murder - I certainly have never committed the crime. And just because I may, on occasion, write about the other woman doesn't mean that I have experience being the other woman.

I have a good imagination. I read. A lot. I research plot points. Just as any good writer would.

Sure, I can write emotions. Do you think at 32 years old I haven't had my heart broken? That I haven't been sad? Hurt? Scared? Scarred? Wondered "what if"?   Show me a person that hasn't felt all those things and I'll show you someone who knows nothing but denial.

I draw on those feelings to convey my stories.  Just as any good writer would.  So don't read things into my words which aren't there. 

Now... If my stories bother you, you have a choice. You can accept my pieces as the works of fiction that they are or you can stop reading.

The choice is yours. I love you. But your accusations were way out of line. And we will not be having this discussion again...

Jaime

Better Left Unsaid

Arguing is my full-time job. We call it our "craft" and hone our abilities to a finely sharpened sword. I can chest thump and posture as well as any male attorney - and often have to do it louder and harder to overcome my long hair, breasts and lack of male genitalia.

It's a challenge to turn that side of my personality off. Harder still is that hubby is also a litigator. And when two people who get paid to argue turn those skills on each other, watch out!

My horoscope yesterday said that I need to work on finding a sensor between what I think and what I say. Well...no kidding! There's no greater place I need to fight for that sensor button than in my relationship.

With little things, it's no problem. Like when I gave our son a cupcake for breakfast yesterday morning as a reward for his using the potty. Before I knew it, my finger was at my lips, "Shhh...this will be our little secret, honey. Daddy doesn't need to know you ate frosting for breakfast."

For a long time, I also didn't tell hubby about my blog. I wasn't hiding it from him, per se. It never came up in conversation and I liked having my own little slice of cyberspace where I could write ANYTHING I wanted. I didn't want to have to censor myself because family could be lurking out there reading my stuff, giving me free reign to bitch about hubby or my in-laws if the mood struck.

Larger things are tougher to keep in. I'm not talking the "honey, I went out and dropped a grand on things we don't need while we're supposed to be saving for a house" stuff. Or "whoops! I bounced the mortgage payment this month."

I'm also not talking about little white lies. When I was pregnant and big as a house, I'm glad he said I was beautiful. He could have told me (accurately) that I looked rather...bovine. I return the favor by not pointing out that his tie clashes with his shirt and he shouldn't be wearing his brown shoes with the black pants on a day he took extra care with his appearance.

I mean things like "I hate your mother."

Those words never should have escaped my lips. Come to think of it, neither should "If you think that woman is going to be alone with our son ever again, it'll be over my dead body."

The gory details which led up to those statements don't really matter and I make no apologies for feeling that way. I still maintain that I was right and she was dead wrong. Despite that, I could have handled the situation better and didn't need to make a public spectacle of things.

But the part I feel badly about is that he didn't have to know. As pissed off as I was, hubby could have remained blissfully ignorant - or willfully blind. He didn't have to be made to feel like he had to choose between his wife and mother.

I probably deserved it when he told me if I couldn't get over his mom being in our son's life it was over. Did he mean it? I don't really want to find out. I kind of wish he kept THAT one to himself.

Should there be open communication in a marriage? Absolutely! Should you tell your spouse every little thing? I say HELL NO!

Think about it. Do you really want to know all the dark thoughts lurking in the recesses of your partner's head?

I sure don't. What I don't know, can't hurt me...

Jaime  --Has also posted for us HERE

Mine, His, and Ours-Finances.

Shelle Edit: Jaime is another Guest Contributor and we are so thankful she asked to write here.  She is a lawyer by day and a Mom by night, or so her profile says, "just call me wonder woman".  Seriously, a few posts in and there is no doubt in my mind she is just that.  She's articulate and intellectual, yet she writes her posts in such a relate-able way.  You should definitely take some time to go over and read her at her personal blog-- Red Red Whine.  Witty...isn't it? :)

Hubby and I met in law school because our roommates were interested in each other. They refused to go out without us...at all hours of the day and night. Through this forced interaction, a deep, shared resentment of our roommates and fondness of each other flourished. In the end, we wound up together - they didn't.

One of our biggest challenges when we finally moved in together was paying bills. His way was to let bills sit until right before they were due. This drove me nuts because, inevitably, we'd get busy or he'd lose the bill and we'd get hit with late charges. I like to pay my bills as soon as I get them. That way I know they're paid, they're off my mind and I don't have to worry about getting busy or losing the bill. (This drives hubby crazy because he doesn't want utility companies earning interest off his money.)

We resolved our dispute by allowing him to have his way on any bills that were in his name and my way on the ones which were in mine. Each month, we would each write a check for half of each bill. My mother thinks we're insane, but we continue on this way over a decade later...

Between the two of us, we have six bank accounts: the joint accounts, his and mine. Yes, all the money is "ours" but I like having my own money. I tend to hoard it while hubby tends to invest his. He hates having to remind me to fund my retirement account and that I don't want to write big checks to pay down our line of credit. I can't help it, I hate doing it! I like to see a good sized balance in my savings account. Sure, it's earning virtually no interest but I can see it there so it's more tangible for me.

We're very lucky that our spending habits are similar. We work really hard for our money and don't spend it freely on a lot of things. That being said, hubby is a pilot and is going for his instrument rating. If I knew how much he spent on lessons, I'd go ballistic. Similarly, if he knew how much I spent on my personal trainer, I don't think he'd be too happy with me.

But when it's "my" money, if I want to shell out a little of it on a new pair of shoes each month or go a little crazy at the Victoria Secret semi-annual sale, I should be entitled to... And he should have the same kind of freedom with his flying, as long as it comes out of "his" money.

It's a strange system, but it works for us. I look at our friends and all the fights they have over money and one person spending too much. We really don't have those fights. (Of course, when I got home tonight hubby snidely pointed out all of my packages which arrived in the mail today... I may have gone a little crazy shopping while he was on vacation last week.)

Even so, if that's the worst we deal with, maybe having mine, yours and ours accounts is the way to go...


Jaime