My Insane Sanity - Traveling Spouse

I or My partner travels all.the.time.
It is hard/good on our relationship because...

Hi, My name is Jules and my husband is gone all the time.

(say it with me) "hi, Jules".

Let me start by saying that my spouse is rarely further than 30-45 minutes from our house while he is traveling, and most nights he is home. That said. He is rarely home from the end of February until the end of November. I spend those months acting more like a single parent then not.

Now again - let me step back - as I know my hubby will be reading this too. Let me state, he is gone because he is working. He is not out with the guys. He is not 'doing his own thing, he is working. (well except in November for hunting season) He works a full time job (teaching) and then goes from work to do more work. He is busy running our business selling/ installing / removing/ repairing docks and boat lifts. He works therefore he is gone.

Alright - all bases covered? - moving on.

The question is - is it hard or good on our relationship.

Wow....

(yes, I am delaying here. Stalling if you will)

insert pic from here
more stall time.

What to say? It is hard on our relationship in ways. But it is necessary. It is a lot less trying on our relationship then not being able to pay our bills would be. It is less difficult then issues other couples face in their relationships. But, it is hard none the less, and although I like my space, and hate to feel like my every move is being watched and analyzed, there is a limit to the amount of time I want to be alone.

::The hardest part of it for my husband (I believe) is that when he is home he can not relax. The little bit of time he is here he notices what is not getting done around the house that needs doing. Like now - winterizing the summer equipment and getting the winter stuff out and ready is a task being neglected. So there is no down time. If there is down time it is done with frustration - frustration in wanting to just relax, yet not fully relaxing because all the stuff that needs to be done is on his mind. This makes it hard for him to be home.

::For me the hardest part is - well - being alone all the time. It is hard being the parent around, when the other isn't. A lot of our parenting decisions have to be made with him on the phone - when I can reach him. (That is the other part. I can't reach him most of the day because he is in class. At night he doesn't have his phone on him because he is in a lake) The 1/2 hour we see him in the morning and the hour I see him at night ends up being a debriefing and briefing of the day and next day. Not much quality time in that.

::Then there is another problem. When he is finally around - say for a weekend or even a night. Or now, as the dock season is finishing and hunting is ending. I find his presence larger then it really is. He doesn't quite fit in the groove of what we are doing. He is unsure of the situation and what has been discussed before. He is unclear on why I lost it at that little issue, because he doesn't know it is a part of a whole big issue we have been dealing with. He has no idea what goes into getting them ready for school the next day or out the door in the morning. When he first starts being in the house more I find myself jumping when he walks around the corner - or that he is in the way in the kitchen. There is an adjustment period. A period where I am maybe even a little cold toward him. I try not to be (honey, I am sorry for this part of the process).

::Yet, it all goes back to money. I am blessed to be able to stay home with our children. He works and then works some more and then takes on another summer job (at a juvenile detention center as a teacher) so I can do this, for me, for our kids. (were those commas misplace?) So, when we get our $1112 house insurance bill or our $950 house tax bill in the mail it does not send us into a tizzy. When these bills land in the mailbox at the same time as the tabs and insurance for the vehicles it does not send us begging to our parents - it comes out of the business account. When we can't take it anymore and we have to get out of dodge for a vacation we can. We use the extra cash from installing docks and we drive for a week or so. It affords us our cell phones and our internet. It pays the extras that we can't afford otherwise, and some of the necessities. So, while work = him being gone, it also = us being able to live.

::I used to cry when he would be gone a long time or when he was leaving. I would throw a fit at the fact that I was home slaving away and he was off driving around from lake to lake or at work chatting with adults and so forth. But, I came to realize that we both are sacrificing for our family - that is what parent's do. That is what we do. That is how it works around here. Now I walk him to his truck, kiss him, tell him I love him, and that I appreciate what he is doing for our family, and try to send him away on a good note. Because I have come to realize that he is making the ultimate sacrifice for us - his family. He is not having fun being away, he is not enjoying himself. He is working.

::However, if and when he retires he may die an early death at my hands ....
after all I have gotten used to him being gone (Start thinking of a hobby now dear). It has become part of my insane sanity now ;)




You can read more of Jules' wit, wisdom, and incoherent babble here:
Just Jules




p.s. I just read Sage's perspective after my final proof read.
I want to state I wrote this whole post before reading his.
I say that because they echo each other a lot.
Scary.... be very very scared... I am

(p.s.s. I am not Sage's wife in disguise - promise - I can't be because I don't know how to talk Redneck, I have never eaten anything 'collard', I have never traveled further South than Iowa, I don't like biscuits nor do I know how to make them, I have all my teeth, and none of my relatives are married to each other.)

Sage on Travel and Relationships

Well some of y'all might know this but for those of you who don't here ya go. I was a national sales manager for a company for 6 years. That gig put me on the road 35 weeks a year, sometimes 2 weeks at a time. Well The Grand Poobah of The Real World had some suggestions to write about and I figured I could give my take on travel and relationships.

I was never a stay at home kind of guy. Even before I went on the road for a living I would coon hunt all night 2-3 nights a week or fox hunt all night and just come home for a shower and change of clothes. Of course the reason to work is to be able to afford to deer hunt and we used to stay at the camp for 3 months coming home one night a week for clothes, lovin and care packages for the up coming week. The deer hunting played out after the '06 election when the change in the government crushed a vibrant economy. I still go but not as much. Then when I owned retail stores I was always staying here there or yonder so I wasn't home then either. So I never was a home at 5:30 kinda dood.

I believe it has been very beneficial to our relationship that I am not here all the time. I think though it is detrimental to the kids for me to be on the road. The reason I continue to do it is the stats showing a stay at home parent being the most beneficial thing. The only way I could afford that was to go get the money down the highway.

I can't imagine someone living with me 24/7. It used to be when I left to go on the road she'd cry, she still does that some when I'm leaving or during the week when I'm gone but not as much as she used to. Now she crys if I'm home for 2 weeks straight! hehe. The time apart seems to have enhanced the time together. It seems like to me that it has helped us to get along for the most part.

The negatives of the deal are I'm not here if she has a problem she can't handle, so she has to tend them herself. Also sometimes I think I might seem to big for the house when I get back. I am a tougher parent than she is and so sometimes she thinks I come in giving orders to the kids. She also questions my ummmmm fidelity when I'm on the road, I dunno why though.

I would say for the most part there are far more positives than negatives in our particular deal.

Anyway it seems to work for us. Do any of you have spouses that work on the road or do you work on the road? Tell us how it works for y'all.

See ya down the road.

Sage is out.

Group Therapy-Sex, Men and Women

Welcome to Group Therapy:

Today I thought I would throw a question out there that I hope will bring about a good healthy discussion/debate. So please don't hesitate to tell me what you think.

Here is the question:

Do women want sex as much as men do?

Women have always been perceived as being the ones in a relationship that lose their sex drive, but is that true?

Tell me your opinion and comment anonymously if you want to.

Why I need friends and how it's good for my marriage!

It's hard to know where to go with these posts that have to do with just me. I mean I can talk about me until I'm blue in the face, don't get me wrong, but when it relates to me and then how it relates to my relationship... sometimes I get twisted.

So I'm just going to write about how my friendships, "my girls", enhance my marriage.

My friendships are extremely important to me. I have friends and lots of them, but I only count a few as my very close friends.

It seems that when us as girls get married or partner off we tend to leave our group of friends and embrace our partners friends. Well that is the trend I saw with my group of friends.
I think that is because us as women can adapt and interact well with most any woman. Sure there are those that may rub us the wrong way, but most of the time we can fake it til we make it when we have to (Sure there are those of you that are crying, "Not ME Shelle. I never fake anything. I'm always me and I'm always real." Good for you guys. You are better than I.), but it seems like a guy is pickier right? When I would tell my husband that we were getting together with some of my old friends I get the roll of the eyes, the cross of the arms, and the, "do I have to" grunt, it was like I was asking him to slit his wrists or something!!!

Yet when it is time to hang out with his friends and their wives and girlfriends I'm stoked to meet them and chat and talk and see what I have in common with them.

I think we represent a lot of couples out there.

Even though my close friends and I don't get together as often as we would like, when we DO get together we start right where we left off. Sure we catch up on what we have missed in each other's lives, but then it's back to eating fattening foods, talking about everyone and eveything, and solving all the world's problems, oh and laughing… laughing until we can't breathe! The people that I'm drawn to...someone that can make me laugh guy or girl...the ones that will talk spirtually with me one minute...but then the next minute laughing at one another as we reminisce at how retarded we were when we thought we knew it all!

As a woman I need that. I need to be able to call my close friends and cry to them about life and it's unexpected tragedies, discuss the quirks in our relationships, seek advice, listen as they seek theirs, keep me grounded by laughing at those things that seem so big but are really so not important, someone who will go to a chick flick movie and fall in love with the lead guy with me, someone to tell me that my butt does look big in those pants but they will meet me at the gym and count their calories with me because "we are in it together". The friend that tells me they will run and train for a triathlon with me in memory of my nephew because they love me, and after I break my collar bone still go through with it because they have that kind of character.

I feel for those that don't allow people close to them, that don't allow to let their spirit and soul bond with other human beings in the simplest yet complex form of what we define as friendship. They miss out.

My friends help my relationship by allowing me to talk about it, by being the third party looking in and telling me when I'm being dumb or backing me up when I just need validation! Sometimes if I can vent to a friend my husband never has to hear it! It's a win for HIM if you think about it! :)

Friends are important. To me they are, along with my family, what makes this life worth living, that includes those that I know in real life and the ones I have the pleasure of knowing only online (such a different kind of relationship that I yet am able to define but important to me all the same), all of them mold me slightly everyday into the woman I am proud of becoming and I don't wish it any other way.

What about you guys? How do your friends make your life better or worse? What about your friends make them an integral part of your life? Or are you more of a loner a keep to yourself kind of person?

Shelle-BlokThoughts

Pack Mentality

As I was walking to my first college kegger, a tall guy ambled up to me.

“Hey,” he said in that monosyllabic way guys do when we’re trying to appear cool to other guys. “You a freshman?”

I told him that I was. He didn’t believe me. I always looked older than my true age. He kept insisting that there was no way I was just starting college.

“Why would I say that I was freshman if I wasn’t?” I said.

A friendship was born that night over beer gulped out of red plastic Solo cups. Not only did we live in the same dorm, but we also had the same major. We brought things to each other’s lives. He had Super Nintendo. I looked old enough to buy beer without an ID.

It wasn’t just him that I became friends with, but a group of guys with whom I have remained close for nearly 20 years. We didn’t plan it this way, but after graduation we all headed out west to Los Angeles. Because I live at least two time zones from any family members, these guys have become my de-facto family.

Guys tend to form packs, like wolves. We protect each other, offer each other companionship and hunt together. In my pack, we always hung out, ate pizza, drank beer and played video games. We occasionally went out to mingle with other packs and genders. We watched movies. We quoted the Simpsons liberally. We enjoyed making fun of each other, but always out of love.

I can’t imagine those first few years in this city if I didn’t share it with those guys. I can’t imagine it without them now. There is much history between us. We have stood up for each other at our weddings. We’ve provided support in those first rough few months as new parents.

We don’t get to hang out as much as we used to, but when we do not much has changed. We might drink more soda than beer these days and we don’t stay up nearly as late. But we still play video games and watch cartoons. We still quote the Simpsons and we still rip on each other all of the time. Maintaining my pack is as important to me as my family. I would not be complete without my boys.

Our kids now play together. And as friends, we are proudly raising a new generation of geeklings.

--Daddy Geek Boy

What about you? Do you travel with a pack? How long have you known each other? What do they bring to your life that your significant other may not?

Home Alone

Opening my eyes, the first thing that I notice is the quiet. There is not a single sound in the house. I look at the clock and curse my body for rousing me at 7am. I roll over and try to go back to sleep—a luxury I’m not usually afforded. I toss and turn for another hour before giving up. It’s time to get out of bed.

The house is eerie and still, completely deserted like the streets at the beginning of 28 Days Later.

My wife and kids have left for a week and I am on my own. It is day 2, Saturday. A day filled with endless possibility. One that has not been pre-planned or scheduled. I stand naked in my kitchen pondering this blank slate. After a moment to let this all sink in, I turn on the TV. I brew some coffee and I make a plan for the day.

Suddenly an idea comes into focus: I am going to watch movies all day. I will warm up with a few DVDs then I will go to the theater and catch a double feature. On the way home, I will stop at the grocery store. I will buy a thick steak and a nice bottle of red wine. I will come home and watch another movie. It will be an action movie and the sound will be turned up nice and loud.

I am a man of simple pleasures.

As flawless as this plan is, the amazing thing about this day is that I am free to deviate from it at any time. I am not bound it anything other than the natural rhythms of the day. I cannot remember the last time I felt this free. It’s exhilarating.

I see a total of six movies that day. Eyes exhausted, I finally crawl into bed. It feels empty. I look at the spot usually occupied by my wife and fall asleep. I awake again at 7am the next morning. The house is cold and lifeless. The quiet no longer feels comforting. I am ready for my family to come home.

-Daddy Geek Boy

24 hours of ME time...Female Perspective

So the question posed was, "If you had 24 hours to do whatever you wanted how would you fill it?"

My Perfect Dream Day On My Own

Wow, it has been a long time since I’ve even thought to plan out a day all on my own. I do get chunks of time for me here and there, but an entire day…! Normally if I take time on my own, I’m out shopping for stuff for my family or the house…not necessarily for me. So, this is what I would do if the entire day was about ME.

8:00 am - Wake up, shower, get ready for the day, eat.

9:30 am – Grab a coffee from Starbucks on the drive…since I’d have to drive at least 20 minutes to get anywhere that has something to do.

10:00 am – Take an introductory yoga class.

11:00 am – Mani/Pedi, Massage, Facial, Relaxing lunch

2:00 pm – Shopping (bookstores, organizing stores)

4:00 pm – Writing a post for blog or work on a freelance editing project (because I like to, not because I have to).

6:00 pm – Dinner. (Anything but hotdogs and macaroni! Probably something like teriyaki chicken and rice with Coke Zero…and chocolate silk pie for dessert. Yum!!!)

7:00 pm – Quiet reading time (A brand new book bought while shopping earlier in the day.)

10:00 pm – Meditate (What does REAL silence sound like anyway?)

10:30 pm – Sleep…lots of sleep.

So what about you? Anything specific that you’d like to do with an entire day to yourself? Would your day be similar to mine?

Chantol writes at Domestically Disabled