Family Dynamics is 100% different during the summer

Just as the summer is beginning to wind down and we are so used to having our children around all day long . . . I have to say I think I may find it hard for my children to return to school.(snort and snicker do I hear)

However, I feel it is my responsibility (and perverse pleasure) to enlighten you. Staying home all the time is much more difficult than working. How the children being home for the summer changes the family dynamics in my house is rather filled with hilarity (in my opinion).

The house or family dynamics is 100% different during the summer. Like it or not, being home all day long with your children is a tough job. Guess what, you are around your children, all day long(I thought I needed to say that again)! You won't get lunch breaks or an opportunity to run errands. You can run errands, but your children are with you. If your kids are anything like mine, running errands is like taking them to the dentist. They are hopped up on adrenaline and always whining for something or other. Another thing, you will be around your children all day long (a point worth repeating, again). I find myself lucky if I get to use the toilet by myself!

Each day is jam packed with activities such as golf lessons and horse riding lessons and ballet and gymnastics and baseball and cheer leading and summer tutoring (and yes, I absolutely torture my children and make them have enrichment tutoring in the summer). In between all this shuffling time I need to find time to actually have fun with my children. You know, like take them swimming or to the park or bike riding. All these activities I thoroughly enjoy!(do you hear my sarcasm) Do you have any idea how difficult and exhausting it is to watch three children at a local swimming pool. I nearly had five strokes this summer, all at the local swimming pool because I lost sight of my son or daughter for, you know, like two minutes!

But I guess worrying about my children drowning is much better than worrying about mundane tasks such as deadlines and appointments and meetings. That is good because I don't think I have the mental capacity to actually worry about such mundane tasks anymore. I really need to put forth some effort to use my brain in other ways than to snort at Sponge Bob in the morning. I'd really love the opportunity to use my brain on an adult level again . . . sometime soon.

Oh, and since there is not a babysitter in the equation, because I am the babysitter. My children are magically(say this in a singing voice) little angels . . . every single second of the day. Because you know since I am around 100 percent of the time, I can redirect their behavior at a moments notice . . . and let me tell you, it so works! I get to enjoy their wonderful personalities all day long!(did I say that already?)

I have yet to make peace with the level of filth that has accumulated in my home this summer. Sand in the corners, sand in my rugs, ice cream wrappers stuffed in the sofa, freeze pop wrapping under the ottoman, flip flops fricking everywhere! I mean, seriously, can I clean my house once and have it remain clean for like say, an hour??

When summer first began I was so excited for a fabulous summer, I planned days at the museums, outings to the zoo, days spent at local fairs, evenings at baseball games, we even planted a garden! Then I decided I was a bit tired from all the running around with the children. Reality set in, I needed to pace myself. Summer wasn't even half over and I had already run a marathon!

We had craft days, and rainy days and movie days and the "I'm so bored today" days. I was bored (Shh, don't tell my kids). Boredom was particularly heavy for me because I was basically a single parent this summer as husband was off to various locations across the globe every other week. The days stretched into weeks and the weeks into months and I was left to fill a (seamlessly) endless void for my children. Some days I would pass a mirror and catch a glimpse of myself and realize that I had not showered yet and was still in my pajamas . . . and it would be two o'clock (and my children would still be in theirs).

Being at home all summer long with my children is not easy . . . my house is a wreck (literally, it is a wreck), I have laundry in piles in my basement, my dog is (sadly) neglected, I have bags under my eyes bigger than my favorite LV, the diamond in my engagement ring fell out, my kids have eaten more frozen pizza than I care to tell anyone and my husband has made our living room his permanent packing place.

I am ready for my kids to start school so I can clean up my house and get things (mainly me) back in order. I don't feel guilty for wanting my children to go back to school because my house changed so much over the summer. But I am ready for what is ahead! I'm painting walls I tell you!

I am going to look at what is important to me, and hold on to the fun times of this summer break, for I know I will miss these days when my children are older. I did enjoy each day, but realize that it is a roller-coaster of change, just as the days were of altered nap times(only a few short years ago).

I get used to one thing, and it changes. Hmmmm....maybe change is good, for it is the "cycle of life"!

Tiara's and Tantrums

Other posts by Tiara's and Tantrums are HERE and HERE.

Raising children on a united front? Not really...

For the longest time I never wanted to have children, so much so, that it was one of (the many) the deciding factors in my first marriage ending in divorce. Having a baby was something I never envisioned myself doing. Being a mother was not something that I thought I could do. I had a mother who was detached and unavailable my entire young life. She could not be bothered with me. Have you heard the expression benign neglect . . . this would be a fitting description of her treatment of me. Because of her, I never wanted to have children. I never wanted to have children because I thought I would be like her. I had numerous friends and mentors tell me that it would not be the case. But still I was adamant that I would never have a child.

Until I met my husband . . .

I fell instantly and deeply in love with my husband and he with me. We had a whirlwind romance, engagement and marriage all happening in a two year span. We traveled, we laughed, we had loads of fun and through all of this, I did everything for him. Literally . . . everything. I made him
breakfast, I packed his lunch, I made gourmet dinner (almost every night), I washed and folded and put away all his clothes. I cleaned up after him and his messes. I packed for him on every business trip and he traveled a lot! He never had to worry about one single thing. If he needed something; I was at his beck and call.

I got pregnant shortly after we were married and our first child was born before we even celebrated our first wedding anniversary. I was 34 years old and my husband was 39. I had a horrible birth story and ended up having a C-Sect and a very slow recovery. My husband remained home the first week to help out and my best friend (from FL) came to help me out as well. My new husband was not used to me not at his 'beck and call' but at this new baby's beck and call. He was mad that I invited my best friend to help me instead of his 68-year-old mother. And I discovered that my husband didn't even know where anything was in our house. We had our first disagreement over our son during that first week home from the hospital. My best friend left after two days and I banished his mother from my house. She came over for 6 hours and wouldn't let me have my son when he was screaming his head off because she could not stop messing around with him (up, down, unwrapped, rewrapped, hat on, hat off, up, down and repeat). . . it was traumatic to watch.

After the one-week was up, my husband returned to work. The night prior as had happened every night since we were home, little baby boy screamed his bloody head off if I set him down. I was exhausted since this had been going on for one week already and hubbie had been sleeping
peacefully each of those evenings. I was never able to nap during the day with new baby because everyone kept calling and 'dropping' by (before MIL banishment). If I did happen to fall asleep, everyone thought it was perfectly fine to march right into my bedroom and wake me up. I was exhausted!

So baby boy was screaming, I was rocking him and my husband stands up and shouts at me to get the hell out of our bedroom because he had to work in the morning. Our second argument began that evening. I kicked him out the bedroom and said a few choice words to him in the process.

Thus began our new daily routine of me worshiping this new baby and my husband taking a back seat . . . a place where he was not used to sitting. He was resentful and jealous of the baby and I was mad at him for not trying to bond with our new baby. We quickly discovered that we did not have the same parenting ideas and notions mulling about in our heads.

The first year was tough for us, this self-discovery of parenting skills . . . I discovered I absolutely was nothing like my own mother and I couldn't get enough of my son. I discovered having a baby was the best decision I had ever made in my life. My husband struggles quite a bit the first year of parenthood. He had notions about the sleeping arrangements that didn't match mine. He had ideas about breastfeeding that didn't match mine. His notions and ideas came from his mother and mine came from reading books and my own instincts.

My mother-in-law told me that I was letting our son win every time I picked him up when he cried or didn't put him down at night in a crib and that I should never let him sleep in my arms throughout the night. I just agreed with her, as I learned was the best route for my sanity. But frankly, I didn't think I was in a competition with my newborn son. If he wanted me to hold him, I was going to. If he needed me to hold him, I was going to. If he
cried, I was going to pick him up. I didn't think my baby was winning anything if he cried to be picked up. He was crying for some reason and he stopped when I picked him up. He was happy and I was happy to do it!

By the time my son celebrated his first birthday my husband and I had sort of come to an agreement. He was swaying more towards my parenting ideas and less towards his mothers. I was pregnant again and we were settling into parenthood. My husband still struggled with being a father and a husband. It was difficult for him to distinguish himself as both and it was very difficult for him to share his wife with his son. I did my best to make him
feel as important as I used too, but it was not as easy for me. I stopped making him breakfast, I forgot to make lunches a lot, gourmet dinners were replaced with quick easy dinners and I had him help me pack for his numerous business trips.

When our second child was born, a daughter, I thought my husband would ease into this baby much better. He did not. Simply put, my husband is not comfortable with babies. We were still having issues with his very intrusive mother and he was caught in the middle. I felt bad for him but stood firm in my beliefs that we were the parents and not his mother. I loved having a new baby again and a small child at home with me. I was probably the happiest I had ever been in my life. I was with my children 24 hours a day. I never let them out of my sight. I never allowed anyone to babysit for my children and was happy to change each and every single diaper. My husband still struggled with being a parent to not just one baby, but a toddler and a baby. We discovered that he was a one-child parent and this broke my heart because I so wanted another baby.

My husband traveled so much with his job that he was only home about two weeks out of every month. The parenting decisions were really my decisions and since he was not ever home I really didn't consider any of his input, not that he really offered any parenting input anyway. We moved to China when our daughter was a year and a half and we saw even less of him. I was basically a single parent with two small children in a country where no one spoke any English and it was basically sink or swim for me. I dove headfirst into the expat community and found a niche for my small family. During this time, my husband grew estranged from our children. He was virtually a stranger to them and acted as such. It was a very sad thing to witness and I was constantly after him to do this or that with our son or our daughter, but he just simply didn't have the time and I thought he didn't care.

I became pregnant again while residing in China and we returned home, as I didn't want to have another baby in another country. I forced my husband to take another position within his company, one that did not have any travel. No traveling . . . none! The first year home was a wonderful year, we were happy to be home, I was over the moon to be pregnant again and the children loved having their father around. My husband really focused on being a good father to our children that year. He re-bonded and reconnected with our son and our daughter.

Our second daughter was born that summer and once again I had a slow recovery due to C-Sect number three. My husband really stepped up and helped out with this baby. He discovered new babies are not as hard as he thought they were. He discovered babies stop crying if you hold and snuggle them just right. He discovered a newfound love he didn't know he had for this new little baby, our third child.

Over the past couple of years, my husband no longer takes a back seat with parenting. The parent who now struggles is me . . . I had the sole responsibility of parenting our children and now sharing that responsibility is not easy for me. I am a marshmallow. My husband is not. He yells. I do not. He sets punishments that are too strict. I undo those punishments. When the children do something wrong he is off shouting and lecturing. I am holding my babies, trying to protect them from his rules that I think are entirely too strict. He is firm and I am silly. He expects his requests to be followed immediately and I will tell my children all day long to do one simple task and later end up doing it myself. He thinks I spoil our children and I
think you can't love a child enough. He thinks I am too soft and I think he is too hard.

If the children do something, I try to hide it from him. I know this is wrong, but I just can't listen to another lecture from my husband about what a wimp I am. I don't consider myself that in the least. I just choose to speak to my children in a tone that is completely different from his and my punishments are much different from his. We are at an impasse right now in regards to our parenting styles. I don't think we will ever meet in the middle. People are different. We are different. Parenting may be one of the toughest jobs in the world. My husband and I are not a united front in raising our children. I don't know if we ever will be.

Tiaras & Tantrums

From Spreasheets to Mom Sheets

Sage here, re-posting because this post got very few hits and is so well written we were not sure if y'all had seen it, so if you haven't read up, if you don't Shelle will hunt you down and do a titty twister on you.

Shelle Edit: Tiara's and Tantrums writes so well. You will confirm this after you read this piece. As I engrossed myself in her blog I love that she does reviews and giveaways, but has still not lost her personal touch on her blog. Also... on her profile pic... she has the most beautiful red hair... you know the color I try to get out of a bottle? Yea, beautiful. I appreciate her so much writing this piece! Please go follow her over at Tiara's and Tantrums.

I was a Senior Financial Analyst awhile ago . . . I used to manage budgets in the billions, to the exact penny. I was involved in negotiating corporate call-outs. I could create a Balance Sheet like no other in my department. My P&L reports were flawless . . . every single time. I would balance budgets across the nations, throughout North America, South America, Europe, and Asia-Pac. My turnkey reports were some of my finest works and my automated financial reports were amazing and I am sure are still being used. I could quote you GAAP and FASB rules verbatim and my Financial Roadmap was set.

I learned early on to take the maximum percentage out of my paycheck and put it into retirement. I invested any extra money I had and used the just rewards to purchase my first town house. I was house poor for a couple of years, but I still put away 15% of my salary. I never splurged on anything and during that poor house period, I did not purchase one pair of shoes or any new clothing . . . at all. I bought only necessary items and my bank account grew. I was pleased with myself for being diligent at work and at home with my finances and my employer's finances.

When I met my husband, he was like minded as myself with money. Even more frugal than myself I would say. We complemented each other. Neither he nor I had ever had a late payment; we each went through our bills and paid them in a timely manner. When we married, I moved into his duplex and sold my townhouse. The money was put into my savings account for the new house we were looking to purchase together.

We found a lovely site to build our dream house on. Because we had each lived frugally, we were able to purchase the lovely home of our dreams. The profit from the sale of my townhouse and the sale of his duplex gave us a large down payment on the home we now reside in.

My husband had a wonderful job. I had a wonderful job. I was pregnant and had no plans to leave said wonderful job. Until the baby was born, my son. I couldn't return to this company that I had worked so hard for and leave my little baby. Thankfully, my husband agreed that I would stay home. Obviously our finances took a huge hit and our lifestyle changed drastically. No more impromptu trips to where ever we wanted to go for a long weekend. No more following my husband to Europe on a holiday after a business trip. No more weekend trips to the city with delicious dinners being devoured. There simply was no excess cash flow as there had been with two good salaries.

Through all of this my husband and I had maintained separate bank accounts. He paid all the household bills and I took care of groceries and myself and our son. I was able to live off my savings for a year after I quit my job. I recall when the time came, I needed to tell my husband that I didn't have any more money and that he would need to start giving me some of his. I was not happy about this moment in my life because I had always taken care of myself. But ask him I did. He was happy to add me to his bank accounts and give me a credit card and an ATM card. (or so I thought)

During the first month of use I felt guilty spending my husbands money but my best friend told me to (literally) suck it up and spend away. My husband agreed to take care of me when he married me and that I had every right to purchase (within reason) what I needed and desired. I bought a new pair of sandals. What I didn't know, he was checking on line with the credit card to see what was purchased (what I was purchasing). He called me at home one afternoon to 'review' some purchases I had made (the sandals and some baby stuff). My best friend was there and witnessed this conversation. I was embarrassed and she was angry.

We obviously had a few discussions regarding this new money position that we were in and it took us awhile to get in the groove together . . . this sharing of 'his' money. He still refers to our bank account as his and states that everything is purchased with his money. But I can live with that.

My husband decided that since I was once a Financial Analyst that I should take over the balancing of accounts and such. Since that moment he has completely forgotten how to write a check (unless for himself), record a check, record ATM withdrawals or balance a checkbook. This is aggravating and frustrating to me, as I don't think the financial responsibility of our household should be 100% on my shoulders just because I have a degree in Finance.

However, I was quite diligent in my household with regard to our finances. I had forecast sheets for everything . . . literally, everything. We were still (and currently are so as well) saving the maximum amount for retirement and putting more away for stocks, college fund and savings. I had another baby and still my spreadsheets prevailed. We moved to China (in 2005) and we had to make due with a cash only country. In yuan(Chinese currency) no less. My spreadsheets were doomed . . . my forecasts were forgotten. I couldn't keep track of the money I spent because I barely knew what amount I was spending.

We returned to the US after residing in China for one year and (literally) living a cash only life. It is a strange adjustment and interesting lifestyle, but a good one I might add. I had another baby and never quite picked up my spreadsheets again. I haven't balanced my checkbook in almost a year. Sadly, I haven't opened any bank statements of any sort in over a year as well. I couldn't tell you how much money we have in stocks or IRAs any more unless I dug through a drawer. Frankly, it is too depressing. We have lost more money in stocks than I care to ever think about again. I know my husband doesn't even know what drawer to look in for these unopened statements. He doesn't even know the password to our online bank account.

All our bills are set up to auto pay because if they are not, I forget to pay them. I once paid the phone bill the amount I was to pay the cable bill and that was already three months past due. My phone bill was paid in advance for one full year and I was still over due on my cable bill! I sent my last property tax bill to the correct address, but the incorrect zip code. It went unpaid for three months without me even knowing it! I laughed about it because, really, who does that? (the only reason I found out was my bank deposited the amount back into my account because the check was never cashed).

It's shameful and I keep telling myself that I must get back on my financial game plan personally. But I lost interest in numbers somewhere along the line while having babies. I hope that I can find my numerical groove again soon. I need to for my children's sake. Because I have little regard for money matters these days, they do not as well. This is bad, very bad. Here I am . . . a former Senior Financial Analyst turned SAHM who can't balance a checkbook anymore . . . how sad is that?

Tiaras & Tantrums