Shelle Edit: I love when I get a post from a Guest Contributor and it surprises me. I loved this post. I don't know Sandra, but I read some of her blogs and I know that she is such an industrious person. She just finished up school, been there and done that! Anyway, I hope you like her post as much as I did about how she recognized why her relationship is healthy. Go read her personal blog right after your done with this one!
Once upon a time there was a princess. This princess was constantly being rescued by a knight in shining armour. Also known as her Daddy.
Fast-forward several years later when the princess marries a prince. But instead of appreciating the prince and the fact that he’s a nice, funny, normal guy who pretty much lets the princess follow all of her dreams, she’s still looking for the knight in shining armour.
Basically, this is a nice (very cleverly composed, might I add) metaphor about me. I had a father who did everything for me. When I couldn’t finish a project for school, either he finished it for me or wrote the teacher a note. When I needed money, he was standing there with his wallet open. When I broke up with the first guy I lived with, my Dad was at my door within moments carrying boxes and suitcases.
He helped me so often, it’s actually hard to decipher what was deemed normal and what was too much.
I’ve been married to my husband for eight years now. I’d love to say that it’s been eight years of complete joy and contentment. But truth is, the first few were bumpy. I was reeling from the fallout of my divorce. I was involved in a messy custody battle with my ex-husband. My new husband, Wayne, had grown children who didn’t approve of our relationship. Wayne was carrying emotional baggage from his first marriage. And his ex-wife was still sniffing around, waiting to see if she’d let go too soon.
There were arguments. There were long periods of silence. There were even longer periods of accusations. How come he didn’t know what to say when I was upset? How come he changed the subject when I wanted to talk? How come he got angry when I cried? Why wasn’t he riding up and carrying me off into the sunset? Where was his white horse dammit!
It took a lot of soul searching for me to understand that the problems in the relationship had more to do with me than with Wayne. I was the one who didn’t know how to cope. I was the one waiting for Wayne to pull a rabbit out of his butt. Make me laugh. Find me a better lawyer. Fix my problems. Buy me some sparkly new jewelery...actually, I still ask for that.
Thank goodness, with age comes wisdom. And the money for therapy.
With the realization that I was expecting Wayne to rescue me, like my father always had, I also realized that by the very act of not rescuing me, Wayne was instilling within me the ability and confidence to rescue myself.
Now I can honestly say that my relationship is healthy. Now I see what a great man I’ve married. I understand that it’s not up to him to hand me life on a silver platter... although I wouldn’t say no to a pair of Manolo Blahniks.
I know with great certainty that no matter what we go through, my husband will not rescue me. Not because he doesn’t want to or doesn’t know how to. But because he trusts that I’m smart enough and self-sufficient enough to find my way through anything.
A healthy relationship requires constant work, attention, and most of all, the understanding of who you are as an individual, and who you are in the couple.
Being married to this man has given me the self-confidence to achieve anything I set my mind to. And trust me, the reset button in my mind gets pressed a lot.
Me: I want to start a cake-making business.
Wayne: Go for it!
Me: I want to go back to university and become a nurse
Wayne: Go for it!
Me: I want to become a fitness model.
Wayne: Go for it!
Me: I want to buy a new convertible and you can drive the minivan.
Ok. So I never said he was perfect.
1 year ago