Part II of Sunday, her two boys, and her marriage now! :)

Part II from Sunday's post, if you missed Part I you can read it here. I want to thank Sunday again for writing this. I know how hard it was for you and I appreciate so much that you took the time to do it. I have learned a lot. Shelle.

I met the man I am married to today at church.

I knew that if I was ever going to marry again my #1 dealbreaker was that I marry a man who shared my faith in Jesus Christ. I was first drawn to Mike when I heard him pray out loud during a meeting at our church's Divorce Care ministry. I remember feeling at home with his hand in mine and listening to his sweet southern drawl pray for guidance and for strength over all of us walking the difficult road of separation and divorce. His prayer was like a balm to my weathered and lonely soul.

Mike and I began dating during my separation from B. This angered some members of our church who believed that as long as I was not "legally" divorced from my husband I was not free to date or think about another man in a romantic way. A few even tried to have us formally removed from the church. After a meeting with our Pastor we were assured the few did not speak for the many and he urged us to join a couple's bible study held every Sunday after the service.

During this time Mike met my boys, Sam and Noah, and began learning more about them and about their diagnosis of autism. I had once been told that a woman should not introduce her children to a man until she has a ring on her finger. I suppose I could see the point in that thinking. Children become easily attached to others and it would be potentially hurtful to have them bond with a man you are dating if that relationship does not last. However, in my case I needed to know early on if my life with my boys was something Mike could handle and more importantly if it was something he was willing to commit to for the rest of his life.

We had a number of conversations during our first year together about the realities of autism. I wanted him to see what autism was and what it was not. Little did I know he would teach me a lot too. Mike has 2 sons of his own, ages 18 and 12, and at times when I was ripping my hair out over something my sons were doing he would assure me that their behavior was because they are boys and perhaps less about their diagnoses. It was reassuring to know that some of their antics are because they are normal. Normal, active, crazy-making, energetic BOYS!

So you may be asking yourself....What makes this marriage work? It is a million beautiful things that together equal what I always wanted but never thought I could have.

1. We share a faith rooted in Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior


2. He makes me laugh everyday


3. He is lighthearted and doesn't take life too seriously


4. But he knows when to take me seriously


5. He is a southern boy with the charm and chivalry to prove it


6. When he makes a mistake he says "I'm sorry" and he means it


7. His kisses make my head swoon


8. His touch makes my heart quicken


9. But his prayers bring me to the heart of God


10. He loves the way I like to dote on him.


11. He changes diapers.


12. He cooks and cleans and does laundry


13. He tells my boys he loves them when they leave for a weekend at their Dad's house


14. He loves to take naps with me.


15. He reads his bible and does his best to follow it.


16. He doesn't gossip.


17. He loves to watch movies and eat popcorn and have a picnic on the living room floor.


18. He has a career but its what he does and not who he is.


19. When I am with him I feel adored and completely loved for who I am right where I am.


20. He could care less if I am skinny or plump, but he prefers plump.


21. When he is mad he doesn't say things he will regret.


22. He also doesn't storm out of the house and leave me feeling abandoned.


23. He really listens to me and doesn't try to fix every little thing I talk about.


24. But when he can fix something he does an expert job at it


25. He's a big kid at heart.


26. He likes to go to Toys R Us


27. When I start a shopping list he will pick it up and buy everything on it.


28. Including tampons!


29. He plays Scrabble, Monopoly, and card games with me.


30. He doesn't care if we have grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner


31. He loves his Mama and respects his Father.


32. He'll give you anything you need if he has the means or the item on hand.

Still, we realize that our marriage is not without some of the same stresses and concerns for my boys that I dealt with in my first marriage. The important difference is that we face them together as a couple. When either of us is feeling the strain we talk about it. Even when we disagree about something we don't use our words to hurt one another but instead we have learned to listen and to compromise when necessary.

Neither Mike or I know what the future will bring for my boys. We do not know if they will remain with us in our home until the day comes that one or both of us are too old to care for them ourselves, or if they will transition at some time to an adult group home, or if they will surpass all the odds and go on to attend college and live seemingly "normal" lives. But what we do know for sure is that we will face their futures together as both a couple and a family....albeit a more unique one than most.

Sunday can be found writing about her life, her 2 sons Sam and Noah, and her status as a second-time newlywed on her blog http://www.extremeparenthood.com

Disability & the relationships by Nolens Volens

This post is about people having successful relationships while dealing with their own disabilities. Shelle asked me to write this post because she knew that I would be the perfect guest blogger.

How can I be the perfect guest blogger? That's because I have a disability, and you wouldn't be able to tell what kind of disability I have unless I tell you or you talk to me in person. If you're smart, you'll have figured out by now that I am...deaf. Shocker, I know. LOL

People have asked either one of us how we could possibly maintain a successful relationship when it's widely known that the divorce rate for deaf/hearing spouses (my wife is hearing) is so much higher than the rate for those who are both hearing. My answer to that is "honesty and open communication".

I am pretty sure that the first thing that popped in your head upon reading the word "communication" is "How when he's deaf?" and that is quite understandable. This happens to me more often than you realize. Sure, it is very handy (if you'll pardon the pun) that my wife is fluent in sign language and is an interpreter. ;) However, that is not the point - she and I have always told each other exactly how we feel about anything without any fear or hesitation.

The second key to a successful relationship is remembering that I have been able to function in the world by myself. My wife, in the beginning, tried to "help" me by acting as my interpreter and I would gently remind her that I have coped successfully for 30 years...before meeting her. It can be too easy to rely on my wife to act as a liaison between me and the world. I only ask her for help when it is absolutely necessary.

The third key is respect. Without mutual respect for each other, we would be fighting about everything and nothing. We barely fight and when we do fight, it is always brief because we adhere to the "no kitchen sink" rule. Let me explain that rule with an example. You're arguing with your spouse about who should be doing the dishes when you bring up the chore of taking out the trash. You've violated the rule by going off the subject...which was about doing the dishes and taking out the trash has nothing to do with that. By saying "what does that have to do with what we are talking about?", you return to the subject at hand.

You know what's funny? All the key points I touched on in the post above...applies equally to every couple, even if both do not have any form of disability. This applies to friendships as well.

I love my wife very much, even if she frustrates me some of the time. Oh, I am positive that I drive her crazy too. Remembering the rules is our secret to a successful relationship. If I feel that she hasn't been listening to me, I will let her know. Relationships are just like streets - they work both ways. ;)

If you are very curious about me and you would like to learn more about me, please feel free to visit me at my new blog and ask me questions in there. My identity there will not be Nolens Volens, so I would like to ask all of you to respect my desire to keep both NV and DCHY identities separate.

My Relationship and dealing with autism Part I

Sunday is a Guest Contributor for today. When Nolens Volens offered this topic I thought of her. I really only know of her through twitter and one day she posted an About Me page for her blog, I clicked on the link and was moved by her story. I asked her through Direct Message if she would be interested in writing her story here for us as a female perspective on how a relationship is effected by either raising a child with a disability or having a spouse with a disability. She said she would and has also admitted how difficult it came to be for her to write it and we had to break it up into a TWO part series. So Part I is posting today... then Nolens Volens is doing his perspective tomorrow and then I am going to post her Part II on Wednesday instead of Group Therapy.

As a parent of 2 children on the severe end of the autism spectrum I am often asked how my children's special needs effect my marriage?

My answer... Which one?

Every parent of a child with autism has heard the statistic of Dr. Colleen Allen that warns us 86% of our marriages will fail under the stress of dealing with the ins and outs of living with a child diagnosed with autism. What is most interesting to me is a number of autism acceptance bloggers and organizations have attempted to locate the actual data Dr. Allen collected to prove her statistic and have come up empty. Because there is none to find.

However, another engaging study done by the Easter Seals Organization offers, "quantifiable information that families living with autism are significantly less likely to be divorced than families with children without special needs." In addition their Easter Seals: Living with Autism Study found that of those who have divorced only a third felt the stresses of managing the special needs of their child(ren) had anything to do with their divorce.

So, what does cause divorce in families affected by autism?

I can't speak for every couple but I know in my own marriage and eventual divorce the causes were very similar to couples who have not parented a child with autism. Including:

• Lack of communication


• Loss of initmacy


• Feelings of inadequacy and being unappreciated


• Hurtful words and bitterness


• Financial woes


• Religious differences

Any one or two of these issues in a marriage can leave its foundation rocked and cause an eventual crumbling. If I am completely honest with both myself and my readers I would say we had all of the above in place long before the birth and diagnosis of both of our sons.


The boys Dad ("B") and I had a fair amount of yin and yang from the beginning. I had always felt that being different kept things interesting and that opposites are always attracted to one another. And they were... for awhile. He had a JD degree and worked as an attorney, whereas I graduated from high school but didn't make it past the first semester of college. He was very active in local and regional politics but the art of debate and campaigning bored me to tears. I was a social butterfly and preferred to be out and about and always going places while he most enjoyed staying at home and reading or blogging on his laptop. I wanted to travel and see the world or be outside enjoying the local parks and hiking trails and B was always concerned about money and his job and building up a clientele. It was a couple short years before our differences starkly outweighed our similarities.

Just before our fourth anniversary we had our son, Samuel. It was a difficult process of getting pregnant, staying pregnant, and enduring a high risk pregnancy. These three stresses on top of the ones we already had in place were further straining our relationship and marriage. I had always dreamed of being a stay-at-home mom. B preferred to work. A lot.

Looking back I realize that the responsibility of providing for a wife who was no longer working and an infant were a very big stress for him. But, B had always thrown himself into his work. Prior to our having children it was not unusual for him to pull an all nighter either at his office or in our home preparing for a case. It seemed he never slept and when he did it was for very short periods of time. B was consumed by his job and so I spent my time and energy caring for Sam.

Sam was diagnosed with severe autism when he was 19 months old. The stress of having a child with special needs was only the tip of the iceberg of our expanding marital issues. B continued to work very long hours to support our family and I did the best I knew how by throwing myself into searching for answers and attempting to hide my grief over Sam's diagnosis. I often felt guilty for the grief I felt and very much alone in it. I would try to voice my fears and concerns to B but the responses I would get varied from his trying to reassure me or advise me on how to deal with the stress. What I most wanted was for him to be heartbroken with me, even if just for a moment. It was a dead end emotional roller coaster and I felt like I was the one running it.


Noah was born on March 21, 2005 and was developmentally the complete opposite of his older brother. He met or exceeded every one of his developmental milestones and both slept and ate easily.

During Noah's first year my husband resigned from his job and began working in the District of Columbia. The money was quite good compared with where he had been but the trade-off was a commute of almost two hours each way six days a week. Most days he woke before 5 a.m. and did not return home until after 11 p.m. For the next two years we hardly saw each other except on the weekends. He was physically exhausted from working almost nonstop and had become almost robotic in his schedule while I was left feeling completely closed off to the world and very much alone. We were like strangers sharing a house and caring for our sons in the best way we knew how.

Just before Noah's second birthday I had begun to notice a shift in his development. He no longer made eye contact, he didn't respond to his name and he had completely stopped talking. I raised my concerns to B and we agreed that having him evaluated was for the best, if only because of Sam's diagnosis. Friends and family thought perhaps he had learned the behavior from watching Sam. He hadn't. Noah was diagnosed with autism on the severe end of the spectrum when he was 26 months old.


By the time Noah turned three years old I was so emotionally and physically exhausted that all I wanted to do every night after the boys feel asleep was lay in bed, drink a glass of wine, and fall asleep. I had no energy or emotion left for being intimate or staying up late when B got home from work. It felt like when we did talk it was always about the boys, our precarious finances, or how much harder the other one was working and our frustration that the other didn't acknowledge it. I was tired of feeling like a single mother and I would imagine he was tired of feeling like an unappreciated paycheck.

Our marriage had weathered so much up to that point: Infertility, 2 high-risk pregnancies, religious differences, the unexpected death of my mom, financial difficulties, 2 diagnoses of autism, his grueling work schedule, and my mounting unhappiness and feelings of inadequacy as both a wife and a mother. I felt like I couldn't be both. I could either give 100% to my children who each needed all of my attention at the same time or my husband who much of the time acted as if he didn't need me at all.


In November of 2007 I told my husband I wanted a divorce. I know he was stunned and maybe a bit shocked. I had always avoided conflict of any sort like the plague. I never felt like I could adequately express myself when we had a disagreement. I was always left feeling belittled and unworthy of my feelings. The most difficult part was admitting to myself that I had not felt loved in a very long time and that I was okay with that because I didn't love him anymore either.

Almost immediately I felt a weight lifted from my shoulders. B began sleeping in the basement and I slept in the master bedroom down the hall from the boys' rooms. Now when we spoke it was without emotional upheaval. It was very businesslike and I was finding my own voice in the midst of the changes. The following few months were not without stress of their own as I prepared the home to sell and began the search for a new place to live, possible school changes, and preparing the boys and myself for what being a single mother really looked like. Our home sold quickly and by April of 2008 the boys and I were living in a local apartment complex.

It has now been almost two years since our separation I can easily say that autism was not a factor in the end of our marriage. I believe the true fault line that separated us was in place long before our boys were born and eventually diagnosed with autism. Raising children with special needs certainly added a degree of stress to our lives but the real strain was caused by our divided priorities, our failure to come together as a couple to work through our problems, and the end of our being able to communicate respectfully and lovingly with one another.

Today the boys spend every other weekend and one overnight a week with their dad and the remainder of there time with me. B and I talk often and many times at length over the boys' futures, their school performance, and our goals and hopes for them. We attend their I.E.P. and doctors appointments as a team and when we celebrate a birthday or other holiday we often do so together. When we ended our marriage we both realized that it did not end our relationship with one another in relation to our children and that for their sake it would be most important to co-parent positively with one another.

Our boys have remained rather unfazed by our separation and divorce. In some ways their autism was a blessing. I have many friends who have children who were emotionally traumatized by watching their parent's arguments, court battles, and dramatic hand-offs for designated weekends and in result have had to endure much more pain and anguish than any child should ever experience. Our boys are the same emotionally as they were in 2007. They show no signs of sadness over our living apart and if anything look forward to the change in scenery that going to "Daddy's house" or "Mommy's house" provides them.

Our children are happy and thriving amidst our separate, yet united environments and really I think that is the most important thing of all.

Shelle Edit: Who out there has been through a similar experience? How did you guys work it out? Or for those of you who haven't been through this experience what are you feelings on how it panned out for her relationship?


Sunday can be found blogging about her day to day life with Sam and Noah and her status as a second time Newlywed at http://www.extremeparenthood.com

VENUS Perspective: Wardrobe Malpractice be warned

I don't even come close to topping Tysdaddy's post from yesterday… but here's my addition to Wardrobe Malpractice Wearing!

My husband is older than me. By 4 and some (almost 5) years, not a HUGE difference but enough that he grew up in the 80's and remembers it... and well...I don't.

The problem is fashion.

Don't get me wrong, my guy's a snazzy dresser, he's just 100% better since he married me, just sayin.

See when we got married he still owned clothes from High School-no you didn't read that wrong, he still had shirts and pants he had bought and wore in High School only they were a tad looser on him back then, then they were when we got married.

I should have known or been forewarned when he showed up to our first date wearing this shirt:

This isn't our first date, obviously.... day we got engaged.

Minus the bleach blonde hair.

Luckily he has a dang fine face because I almost wrote him off when I saw that, I thought maybe he was just testing me to see how vain I was, so I decided to pass THAT test (said sarcastically) with flying colors and just not say anything about the should-never-have-been-allowed-to-be-made shirt that I nicknamed, "The picnic shirt".

See to me it looked like something I would pack in a wicker basket along with other picnic supplies and drag it to the local park to spread as a tablecloth on top of a weather worn table and bench set. I honestly thought he was joking when he showed up with that shirt on.

After our first date he was hit and miss in the clothing department.

Some days he would show up in a t-shirt, pants, and flip flops and I would melt.

Then the next time I'd see him he'd be dressed up as someone that had just walked off a what-not-to-wear photo shoot… but he was so hot I'd just scrunch my nose and move on (I was less vain then I thought or less vocal about it).

That picnic shirt was there the day he proposed to me (see picture above), I had already told him how much I never wanted to see that shirt again, that I loathed it, but he thought he would get me on that proposal day by going to the same restaurant as our first date and wearing the same thing… (it worked) but only because he was still hot not because of the picnic shirt.

As much as he knew I hated that shirt he kept it for that very reason. Pulling it out often to smirk as he proudly wore it to work knowing it grated on my nerves. I would have trashed it early on in our marriage but I was afraid he'd seek revenge and I wasn't strong enough to take that chance, I mean, what if he threw away one of my coveted pair of strap heels because he's not to fond of them??? So I never did. However, I had headaches on those days he wore that picnic shirt… it was quite the coincidence.

As a wife it was my duty to slowly get rid of the old high school and fashion faux pas clothes and secretly add new and improved and CURRENT clothes.

I've done an incredible job and can proudly say that picnic shirt finally tore and we had to throw it away AND all of his high school clothes have somehow disappeared replaced with hot jeans and shirts that make me drool (and apparently girls at college also).



The only thing I have failed terribly at is his choice of foot wear. I'm afraid I lost that battle before it ever began. Luckily the 80's is making a terrible comeback and my husbands footwear is now completely "in" and vintage to boot!

I know a lot of people may think I'm completely loony by even caring what he wears, but I do. I think clothes tell a lot about a person and they give off your first impression as you meet other people. How you dress yourself can also tell someone of your confidence and how you carry yourself.

No in the grand scheme of things clothes are not the most important (hello I married the guy), but they do play a big role in our lives since we wear them everyday, and I am just vain enough that I care if he wears things on a daily basis where I am reminded how much I want him.

So what does your spouse have in their closet that you secretly wish you could burn… but like a ouiji board it never goes away only to be pulled out of the closet to be the bane of your life? Are clothes even that important as a first impression to you? What do you have to say? I'm interested!!! :)

Love,

Shelle

I May Not Know Jack, But I Dig His Purse!

I spent a small portion of this extremely busy week once again contemplating the “coolness” of my Man Purse . . .

On Monday I started a new job, and I've been busier than a one-armed paper hanger. So many binders and training manuals. And I've decided that I need something to carry all my crap in while at work. I'll be moving around the plant quite a bit, doing different jobs as assigned, and hate to try and juggle my books and medication and other accouterments. So I dug out this book bag I bought several months ago. It’s heavy-duty, has a bunch of pockets inside, and a lifetime guarantee. But I wonder if it’s a bit too girlie looking . . .

Some of the folks at work will likely give me shit about it. Which doesn’t bother me, per se; I am confident enough in my manhood to carry a pink BlackBerry . . .

. . . which doesn’t really look pink in the picture, but you are an imaginative bunch. And what’s up with that look?! It’s so Attack of the Unibrow Man! Maybe if I struck a manly pose . . .

Nah! Perhaps I should go for the Jack Bauer Man Purse . . .

Now there’s a manly mug!

So what say you, dear Reader? Ditch the purse? Ditch the Unibrow? Both? Are they fatal wardrobe malfunctions? That's our topic today, and I'm up for any and all suggestions . . .

What would you Rather?

Okay here we go again another round of What Would You Rather Real World style!

We are going to ask you two questions. Tell us which one you would choose in each question.

WOULD YOU RATHER:

Have plastic surgery on yourself OR have it to change your partners body? It would be free. Which would you choose AND describe what you would have done!

WOULD YOU RATHER:

Date someone who is negative OR date someone who is always falsely positive?

There you go. PICK one from each scenario... the thing about this game is that you must choose ONE or the OTHER... no fence sitting!

Lovin' in the mornin', Lovin' at night.... when is it right?

Out of the fog I feel it... it starts slowly. A hand on the hip, a not so subtle reposition, a rub on the back. All an attempt to wake me up for morning sex. Honestly, there are mornings where he would have better luck waking a grizzly bear up to run a marathon in the middle of January. It just isn't going to happen.

There are several reasons for this. Most of these reasons are physical,
Actually, I can't think of any of them that aren't physical.
1) I do not wake up smelling like roses and mouthwash... sorry, but it is the truth.
2) I am NOT a morning person. NOT even a little bit.
3) I can not go from zero to ooooh baby in .0002 seconds. I need to get my engine warmed up.
4) Warning: blunt truth coming up right ----> here: I do not like having "stuff" dripping down my leg for the rest of the day.
5) The kids are awake and need food, drinks, help with this that and the other thing, knocking on the door, or worst listening at the door. I can not separate me mom and me lover that well... my kids are still young enough that me mom wins.
6) Finally, I just don't like it as well.

I am sure Dearest could counter each and every one of these arguments with a perfectly logical and true statement of his own... but, I am not going to let him here. (that is what the comment box is for - but if you want any lovin honey .... just sayin....)

My dear sweet man has a hard time with night time "activities" because he works all day long, with very little down time and by the time the children are in the bed, and I have relaxed- allowing any such sport to begin- his eyes are getting heavy and his head is bobbing. He is out. Now, once he is down for the count - he is down.

Quite honestly the most amazing and perfect answer ever is NOONERS !
(too bad he has a job that doesn't allow him to come home during the day... sigh....)