How many letters must I have written that were left unsent? How many times did I stare aimlessly at
your number in my phone only to never call? How many hints have I tried to secretly muster out of
family members to hear how you were doing…to even hear your name.
It’s obsessive, sad, pathetic really.
I am a married woman after all.
Yet, why then can I not stop thinking of you, dreaming of you, wanting you, needing you.
Writing these words alone disgusts me.
I am not that vulnerable helpless romantic; at least I tried so hard not to be when I was with you.
Now that’s all I want to be, if it means I get to be vulnerable in your arms.
The words…they are just so tasteless and sickening, I’m nauseated by them myself, not to mention
embarrassed and ashamed, but I can’t help feeling this way.
That’s what it is.
I long for you.
I know I’ve inflicted this pain upon myself. I chose this life without you. I sent you away. I hurt you. I
broke you. I left you.
Then why am I the one left broken?
Why am I the one lingering onto the past; a past that can never be a part of the future.
I know I selfishly only told you this when it was too late, but I love you.
I know at that point I still had a fleeting chance to make you mine because I saw you loved me too, but
again, I naively or cowardly chose my current path instead.
I chose the path of safety, security and stability over the path of spontaneous uncertainty.
I chose the path of comfort and luxury over the path of struggles and simplicity.
I chose my superficial checklist over passion and intensity.
…Over love and genuine authenticity.
I lied to myself and convinced myself that this life would make me happy… that Somehow I’d find
meaning in it too.
On the contrary, I’m left empty and trapped in a world replete with meaningless illusions of grandeur
and external appearances.
Although consistently consumed by his presence, I am ever so lonely.
He doesn’t understand me the way you do.
He doesn’t listen to me the way you do.
He doesn’t see me the way you do.
He doesn’t look at me the way you do.
He loves me, but he doesn’t know me.
The way you do.
Forever hoping, dreaming and loving…
1 year ago