Monday, December 20, 2010

Dear You: Breaking Free

Dear You,

You're making me hate you.  We've been on this road for the better part of our marriage now, but lately it seems with each cruel word, each controlling action, each time you remind me how useless you think I am you're making me hate you a little more.

And you know what?  I'm glad.  Because you used to make me hate myself.  I used to believe you.  I used to think I was useless and fat and stupid and spoiled and ridiculous.  I used to think it was rational for you to give me an "allowance" because you don't want me to spend "your" money.  I used to think it was okay for you to treat me like a second class citizen.

But I don't think that anymore.  You know what I think?  I think you're the useless one.  I think you're an insecure, cruel, shell of a man and you resent me because I'm better than you.  You married above yourself, asshole, and everybody knows it.  My parents knew it when they told me not to marry a boy from "the other side of the tracks".  Your parents knew it when they were so out of depth in my world that they embarrassed us with their backward behavior at our wedding.  Everyone in my life knew it but I refused to see it.  Bravo; you put on quite a show.  You convinced me that you weren't marrying me for my daddy's money or the doors he opened for you.

I hate that I was so wrong about you.  I hate how you've turned things around in your mind so much that you think you're above me.  You think it's okay to belittle me.

I gave up so much for you.  I gave up a scholarship to a prestigious private college to go to a state school with you.  I abandoned my dream of law school because you asked it of me.  You wanted to start our "life", build our business, start your career and you didn't want the intensity of me being in law school holding you back.  And I gave these things up without complaint because I loved you.  It never mattered to me how much money you had, where you were from, or what your family was like.  You mattered to me.

You did, until you turned into a monster.

Your slow fade into this cruel, petty person you've become is such a shame.  You had so much potential.  You are very smart and driven and motivated.  We could  have been so happy together if you were the man I thought you were when I married you.  If you hadn't allowed your insecurity and resentment to build and build until the only way for you to release it was to spew it onto me and onto our children.

You used to make me proud to be your wife.  Now you just make me sick.

Here's a little secret, sir.  You know how I told you I'm going to grad school whether you like it or not starting this fall?  And you know how you dragged your feet about it and didn't want it to happen but ultimately "relented" and "allowed" it?  Well, guess what?  After I finish (and you pay for it) my children and I will be getting the hell out of here and we won't be looking back.

You can enjoy this luxurious prison you built for me all by yourself.  I am breaking free. 


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wendy said...

At this point, with the hostility you are should move on.
NO ONE can take away our self worth

Anonymous said...

It's taken me way too long to realize that, but now that I do, it feels very good to be on my way out.

nitebyrd said...

I could have written the majority of this letter. PLEASE, stick to your plan to get out. Don't wait too long as I have done.

Anonymous said...

I won't. In fact, I'm making plans to leave and THEN do grad school. I don't think I have even two more years. It's all I can do to get through Christmas for the kids, quite frankly.

robin said...

Oh good. I was just going to write in and suggest that. Not just for your own sanity but for your kids too. Being exposed to this person is damaging all of you on a daily basis, so the faster you can get out, the faster the healing can begin.
Wishing you the best.

CityMom2 said...

I applaud you! You are doing a very brave thing for you and your children. Escape from the monster. You won't regret it.
Best of my thoughts go with you.

Anonymous said...

Thank you, ladies. It is at once terrifying and exciting, but I cannot wait to rebuild.

Anonymous said...

I would love to hear his side of things!


Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

I think that at this point with you and your husband you have already made your decision. Why draw it out unless you feel there is hope.

If there is none and he is truly as horrible as you say he is for you AND your kids... then move along.

But I am not an advocate for separation or Divorce, I believe that there are many "problems" people face in their marriage that they want to run away from but will just soon realize that they face the same "problem" with someone else as soon as the newness of a relationship fades away.

Emotional or physical abuse are definite things that one should get away from as soon as possible... other than that I believe there are many things that can be solved or worked through.

Now I don't know your whole story and I'm not suggesting at all that you are just leaving on a whim, obviously from your letter you are not... I just wanted to state that I usually wouldn't advocate a divorce or separation.

Anonymous said...

"Sage99" - Interesting way to identify yourself. He would tell you that I am crazy, that all he does is try to help me find my sanity but I am beyond help. He would charm you into believing that he is a prince and I am irrational. He is very charming at first. He has most people fooled. He had me fooled. There are two sides. I have not been a perfect person, a perfect wife, or a perfect mother. But I do not deserve the cruelty, the humiliation, or the pain that living this way has caused me. More importantly, my children do not deserve it and soon they will be old enough that I won't be able to hide so much of it from them.

Shelle, I'm not an advocate of it either. I never EVER imagined my life would turn out this way. This is no one's dream. No one sets out to do things this way. But I thought of what my mother would want me to do, how she would want me to live. I thought of my dreams for my daughter and it would devastate me to see her in my shoes someday. What would I tell her to do if I saw this happening in her life? And that's when I finally, after many many years, decided that enough is enough.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Then it is the very best decision for you and your children.

Either way to stay or to go it is always such a hard and bumpy road... There is really no "easy way out"

So I wish the best for you :)

Anonymous said...

I have had these exact feelings. In fact not that long ago I had a moment where I had to tell him to stay or to go and I said stay.

I did so because a friend told me it would have been easier for him to stay in his old situation and fix it than it has been to move on and work on making the new situation work.

Has it been all sunshine and roses since then? Hell no. Do I feel like kicking his ass to the curb today- no, did I two days ago? Damn straight I had the suitcase out practically.

Sometimes working on things is hard but not as hard as the situation we find ourselves in if we walk away.

What I want for my kids to learn how to work on their relationships and that walking away isn't the always the answer

There are two sides to every story and your unhappiness with yourself and not going to school might have spawned resentment from the beginning and that could have effected things...we won't know.

It can turn into a vicious circle really, I resent my husband for leaving me home to basically be a single mom. (however he is gone working most often) He resents my stay at home mom status and the fact that all his co-worker's wives make big $ and afford them things we can't have...

But the decision isn't ours to make is it? It's yours. Be sure you are giving the right lesson to your children, for the relationships they build in their lives (or don't out of fear of commitment) will come from your next moves


Anonymous said...

My biggest fear is how this will affect my children. Don't think I haven't spent literally years contemplating what is best in this situation for them.

But this is more than a matter of resentment and unhappiness, though there certainly is that.

My children are old enough now that they see things they shouldn't see. If I stay "for the kids", which I have seriously considered, I fear I am teaching my son that it is okay to belittle his wife, tell her she's a stupid, fat, useless whore because she spent too much money on groceries or forgot to pick up the dry cleaning. I fear I am teaching my daughter that it is acceptable to surrender her whole self and give up her dreams for a man who, in the end, treats her like shit. I fear I am teaching them to accept infidelity, cruelty, and control for the sake of staying married because that's what people around us expect.

I have thought long and hard about this for years. Literally years. And in those years things have gotten worse instead of better. This is not "walking away"; this is escaping.

I would rather my children come from a "broken home" than have a broken mother.

Anonymous said...

I hear you on that. I do. I am you. I live your life with my kids. I understand it. I know for a fact what my boys are seeing and I fear what my daughter is learning.

and me..... I am cold inside


Anonymous said...

Cold inside describes it perfectly. There's no good answer here. It's the devil or the deep blue sea, I'm afraid.

CityMom2 said...

One more thought. Hubby & I are on year 27 of our marriage. It was rough let me tell you. I have filed for divorce and been tempted to sneak off with "my" kids.
The big factor is we are BOTH willing to acknowledge issues and work on them. We both know we have to be willing to change.
I wish you the best and hope you make the right decision for you and your children.

My kids have learned that life is not an exact science and takes work. My 25 year old is in NO hurry to marry and I think that is wise.