You're making me hate you. We've been on this road for the better part of our marriage now, but lately it seems with each cruel word, each controlling action, each time you remind me how useless you think I am you're making me hate you a little more.
And you know what? I'm glad. Because you used to make me hate myself. I used to believe you. I used to think I was useless and fat and stupid and spoiled and ridiculous. I used to think it was rational for you to give me an "allowance" because you don't want me to spend "your" money. I used to think it was okay for you to treat me like a second class citizen.
But I don't think that anymore. You know what I think? I think you're the useless one. I think you're an insecure, cruel, shell of a man and you resent me because I'm better than you. You married above yourself, asshole, and everybody knows it. My parents knew it when they told me not to marry a boy from "the other side of the tracks". Your parents knew it when they were so out of depth in my world that they embarrassed us with their backward behavior at our wedding. Everyone in my life knew it but I refused to see it. Bravo; you put on quite a show. You convinced me that you weren't marrying me for my daddy's money or the doors he opened for you.
I hate that I was so wrong about you. I hate how you've turned things around in your mind so much that you think you're above me. You think it's okay to belittle me.
I gave up so much for you. I gave up a scholarship to a prestigious private college to go to a state school with you. I abandoned my dream of law school because you asked it of me. You wanted to start our "life", build our business, start your career and you didn't want the intensity of me being in law school holding you back. And I gave these things up without complaint because I loved you. It never mattered to me how much money you had, where you were from, or what your family was like. You mattered to me.
You did, until you turned into a monster.
Your slow fade into this cruel, petty person you've become is such a shame. You had so much potential. You are very smart and driven and motivated. We could have been so happy together if you were the man I thought you were when I married you. If you hadn't allowed your insecurity and resentment to build and build until the only way for you to release it was to spew it onto me and onto our children.
You used to make me proud to be your wife. Now you just make me sick.
Here's a little secret, sir. You know how I told you I'm going to grad school whether you like it or not starting this fall? And you know how you dragged your feet about it and didn't want it to happen but ultimately "relented" and "allowed" it? Well, guess what? After I finish (and you pay for it) my children and I will be getting the hell out of here and we won't be looking back.
You can enjoy this luxurious prison you built for me all by yourself. I am breaking free.
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1 year ago