Friday, June 11, 2010

What NOT to say to SINGLE people.

Shelle Edit:  I have known Barb for a LONG time, or so it seems that way.  She is a blogger friend made real life friend when I met her for lunch at Olive Garden.  Nothing says friendship like bread sticks from Olive Garden... just sayin.  The thing about Barb is she is young and hot and... wait for it... WITTY as all get out.  I love the way she writes and I love her sense of humor.  She is just as funny in real life--if you follow me on FaceBook I even have a picture of her! She may have me on all that smooth college skin and hot smokin bod--but I got her on eating the most bread sticks.  That says something.  When you get done reading her here, go read her on her personal blog--Barbalootsuit. ).

What NOT to say to SINGLE people... 

There's a trend among those of you that have been out there enjoying your marital bliss. You want to hear about the lives of those who don't have it, give them advice, help them on their way, share how great it is....you get the drift. While we may (or may not) appreicate the thought, here is a guide of things you should avoid saying if you prefer to not have your throat ripped out.

-So, why are you still single? Well, sometimes I wonder if it's cuz I kinda walk like a duck..? Or maybe it's because I'm too introverted and don't give people the chance to get to know me..? It could be my complete lack of interest in the NBA and refusal to pretend otherwise..? I mean really, it'd probly be easier if you just asked us for a list of our insecurities.

-Or, equally as horrid, when are you getting married? Well gee, let me check with my non-existent fiancee and I'll get back to you on that one.

-You just haven't found him yet. Oh really? Is that why I'm still single and not going out on dates? Thanks for the clarification. I'll start looking harder at all those events I attend with massive amounts of single people.

-He just hasn't found you yet. Right-cuz I've been working so hard on my dating camouflage skills.

-It'll happen when it happens. Thanks Captain Obvious.

-It happens when you're not looking. For those of us that can't turn off the "looking" button, that's super discouraging. And also, I have known more than a few people that found their spouses when they were looking. So, it's just plain false.

-There are so many great guys out there. Gee, thanks for pointing out the fact that I can't even manage to find one.

Now, here's the thing: no, we should not complain and we should make the most of our current status in life and focus on being our best self, BUT never, NEVER, tell us to be grateful we're still single. Especially don't do it while simultaneously complaining about your marriage. We get that it's hard. We know changing your life to accomodate a spouse isn't going to be easy. But you know what? We're willing to do it. We're wanting to do it! Being in love is fun, and we want that. While we may enjoy the occasional crazy weekend, staying up late with friends, going on last minute weekend trips etc, we'd trade it for the relationship that you are complaining about.

If you simply must ask if we're dating and/or interested, make it tactful. Ask if we're seeing anyone. If we're not, leave it at that. Change the subject. The weather is always an easy one. There is no need to tell us how blind the other boys (or girls) are, how amazing we are, what they're missing out on etc. Chances are, there is something (or many somethings) we could do to improve ourselves and become more dateable. Giving us a false belief in how great and perfect we are certainly isn't going to make us more attractive to the opposite sex.

One final tip: be careful of setting up people on blind dates. Just because two people are single, that in no way means they'll be compatible. Trust me. I have, sadly, vast amounts of experience on this one.

Disclaimer: obviously, the facts (er, opinions) stated herein do not apply to all singles. But chances are, if you know them well enough to discuss their dating life, or lack thereof, you at least have a general idea if they're shooting to become the next George Clooney or if we think Seal and Heidi Klum are better role models.

Barb

30 comments:

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

OMGosh! I loved this so much when I first read it! I probably have said one of those at some point or another. I can just imagine the eye rolling...

I'm sorry.

Thing is... WHY aren't you married???

hehehehe

I kid.

But you ARE hot so it does befuddle me...

Love ya girl! Thanks for contributing. This is very educational!

Bossy Betty said...

Meeting a single friend today who wants to talk about her latest breakup. Your tutorial came at just the right time!

Gucci Mama said...

This was great.

So, are you serious when you say you'd trade your singledom for my marriage...? Because, just saying we might be able to work something out. No backsies though.

T said...

you crack me up - I've been waiting all week for this one, my older sister (resignedly but not happily single) and I discuss this a lot - however I'm pretty sure she would swap for MY marriage... (probably just the B.I.L. "ewwww" factor though)

T said...

ummm, that was supposed to be WOULDN'T swap for my marriage... crud - gotta self edit a little faster!

615sWife said...

I love it!

My best friend is a widow and some of the things people say to her because she is still single. On V-day she was a bit down and this lady who didnt know her told her to hug herself and imagine her husband hugging her and that if he could he would have sent her flowers from heaven, needless to say it wasnt the best thing to say to her. But what do you say when your friend is down and she is worried she is going to be alone forever? I have used the line " it will happen when it happens" now i feel like an ass LOL. I really dont know what it is like to be single I got married in high school so if you got any advice let me hear it!! Thanks!

e. said...

Barb, I just want you to know that he his out there for you. You just haven't found him yet and he just hasn't found you yet. It'll happen when it happens because there are so many great guys out there.

I hope I've never said those things to you *racking my brain*. Can we still be friends????

DCHY said...

Your post made me grin. I have that problem...in a weird inverse sort of way. I have single friends asking me to help fix them up. Uhh...I had a HARD time finding someone and after finding one, you want my help? LOL

Lara said...

Great post, Barb. My brother didn't get married until his 30's and he endured so much of this crap. I thought the worst was that people told him he should stop being so picky. Okay. So they want him to just marry any old girl, forget that this is the rest of his life and eternity we're talking about? He wasn't a guy that would dump a girl for having a big nose or something, either. :)

Anyway, wise advice here. I hope lots of people read it.

Barbaloot said...

I realize this post makes it seem like you shouldn't speak to single people in general---life may be safer that way:) Mostly we just want you to empathize. Feel free to tell us that it sucks we're single, that you're sorry we're not dating etc. I often hear wives complain that they're husbands are trying to fix their problems, when the wife just really wants to discuss them. It's like that. We just want to talk about it...you don't have to try and fix it, just listen to us.

Barbaloot said...

Lara-I almost put that in the post, too. If we're going to spend the rest of our lives with someone (and beyond) I think being picky is probly a good thing :)

Southern Sage said...

LOL
great post.

I always say "You're still single??????????????"

then if the reply in the affirmative I go with one or two replies "Boy you sure are smarter than the rest of us"
or
"Damn I wish it was me"

Boy Mom said...

My sister is single, loves soccer, can't stand being diagnosed about her LDS social disease. I've often thought you two should get to know each other.

How's that for a set-up?

Hug!

Love your post.

Machen said...

Barb,
I really don't know single people. Is that sad or what? Well actually I do...but she's sort of a drug addict so we really are hoping she doesn't meet anyone at this time :(.

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

what an awesome post! I love your outlook on it all! You are so correct, like "you can't find the great men out there" awesome!

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

This was awesome. I learned so much and have sadly said many of things. It is my natural tendancy to try and help someone in pain, but you are so right, so often there is no fix and so just the empathy is the best. I will for sure try to remember this post.

Lady of Perpetual Chaos said...

This was a great post. And so true. Not that I've ever said them. ;o) My sister got married a little later in life and she was actually asked (more than once)is she was a lesbian. Just because she wasn't married yet. So, yah, people say some pretty dumb things. Even when they're not looking.

CaJoh said...

I am starting to realize that there may also be some people who may NOT want to be married and don't want to be told that they should.

CaJoh said...

When I was single I hated the fact that I was not married and even told myself that it looks like I'll NEVER find anyone EVER. It was at this point that I decided not to worry about it and concentrate on myself. I strove to become a better person and be able to communicate with people and understand how relationships work. It was through this self reflection that I was able to overcome my self loathing and be ready for the person I wound up marrying.

I'm not saying do what I do, just that this is what I did.

Melissa Bastow said...

Is it ok to make "fish in the sea" comments? Or does that strictly apply to when you want to sound obnoxious during a recent break up discussion?

My older sister (who is only like 14 months older than me, but has always deemed herself mature enough to be my mother) is always telling me, "When I'm married, my husband will NEVER do that." Sometimes I laugh, but sometimes I say, "And that's why you're NOT MARRIED!!!!" Which probably doesn't help anything...

annie valentine said...

How bout, "Sucks to be you!" or "Too bad you aren't skinnier..." or "Maybe if you didn't talk so much?"
Those are my top single friend commentaries. Whatdoya think?

Anonymous said...

Unfortunately I have the same problem just the opposite. I got married a few years ago and it is over, but few know this. So hearing how's married life? or How are the newlyweds? Those questions make my skin crawl!!! So think twice when asking those questions because you just never know the situation.

Amanda said...

UGH! I HATE when people say that 'when you stop looking, it will happen.' Really? So I can just sit at home and prince charming will find me, in my sweat pants, watching food network? I never have to leave the house again! YES!

Hmmmm. I don't really think so. I think, if you want to find someone, you have to at least partially be looking. But until the others who say that realize it, I'll keep watching Food Network and blogging from my bed.

Adoption of Jane said...

Luv it! Went straight to your blog and followed... plus anyone that hangs out with Shelle is one smart cookie!

Anjeny said...

I have two very SINGLE friends and I gotta tell you, I love them both to death. I'm the kind of person who don't like to ask personal questions, I usually just wait til they feel like telling me or bringing up the subject.

For whatever reason these two friends are still is simply none of my business at all...

I thoroughly enjoyed this post.

April said...

Oh Barb, you rocked this post! And might I add that some of these words have spilled from my mouth a time or two. Live and learn! Love ya girl!

rocslinger said...

Barb, good post.

I didn't get married until I was 35. I got some of those comments that you talked about. I also have seen marriage's fall apart partly because the couple married too soon, sometimes because they felt they had to be married.

My wife told me that it was diffcult to be a member of our church (LDS) as a single adult. Since we believe in eternal marriages I would think that members could be more patient with our single members, after all eternity is a long time to spend with someone you are not fully commited to.

Malea said...

Ohhh, did your help meet die in the war in heaven. My condolences;) Great Post! My sister was divorced, but single for a while. I was schooled on many of these very same thoughts....The hard way.

heelsnstocking said...

such a good post! my best mate is single and has been for 4 years, she is beautiful but a bit too fiesty. She has set her standards so high now she will never get a man. She goes man hunting with her single older brother and they both wonder why they dont find anyone!!?

LisAway said...

What helpful and cleverly articulated insights. I will remember.

WE BELONG