Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Insecurity and Jealousy because of my BFF...

I have a girlfriend I'm super tight with. We do everything together during the week; shopping, cooking, help each other with housework, tend each other's kids, etc. She's my bff. She's cute, talented, funny, and I love being with her.

My husband hates it.

For some reason I don't understand, he is jealous of the time I spend with her, even though he's at work when I do it. He seems to feel threatened by the fact that I have a close friend. I don't really understand why.

I have some ideas though, based on what he's told me.

* he feels like I talk to her all day and get all my "talking needs" fulfilled, and have nothing to say to him when he comes home.

* he doesn't want anyone to know anything about him, and he doesn't want me telling her anything about my marriage.

*he is afraid that I won't need him anymore, or less, or something, because I have someone else to confide in.

So basically, he's ok with me having a friend as long as I don't like her too much, don't tell her anything about me that would give her any info about him, and am still dependent on him for my every emotional need.

It causes some tension between us, because he doesn't want to be around her, and as a result of his veiled hostility, she knows she isn't fully welcome in my home. I feel frustrated that I can't invite my friend over for any activities when he will be home because they are both uncomfortable.

This has become a real battle. He resents that I have a bff, and I am not willing to give the friendship up to soothe his ego.

FWIW - her husband has an almost completely opposite view. He sees that this friendship is good for his wife and that she's happier, and he's fully supportive. She tells me everything, and he is ok with that. I am welcome in their home, and as a result I spend a lot more time there than she does at my house. It's almost like I have this second life that my husband is not a part of, by his own choice. I find it kind of ironic.

He calls my affection for her "an obsession" and even "addiction". He has even accused me of being emotionally unfaithful. It hurts.

My relationship with him is suffering, not because I love her more than him, but because of his insecurity and jealousy that there is another person that I care deeply about.

So what do you think? Have any of you been through this? What would you do?

StupidSmartGirl--I also blog HERE

15 comments:

Jessica Stier said...

I am wondering how he feels about her husband. Is there any chance of them fostering a friendship and then it becomes a foursome instead of a twosome?

Just curious. Sorry he feels like this. I was also wondering if you make an effort to give him a special bit of attention after you've spent the day with her. Maybe all he needs is a little extra attention to prove to him that you're still his girl.

singedwingangel said...

OK sounds like your hubby has trouble makinghis own friends.. and has relied on YOU to be his be all end all for social life which isn't fair to you. Did he not hve friends when you met?? and my next issue is his control over what you say and who you talk to.. sorry but I have big warning lights that give me cause for concern over his obvious obsession with you...which in some ways is fine but in this point is more like his desire to have you locked away for himself only. which is a way a lot of abusive relationships begin.. do not let go of your friends for ANY man... and he may need to seek some counseling to get over his apparent issues..

SciFi Dad said...

OK, if your "talking needs" are ever "fulfilled", I will give you our phone number so my wife can talk your husband's ear off instead of mine. Sound fair?

Anjeny said...

singedwingangel said....and my next issue is his control over what you say and who you talk to.. sorry but I have big warning lights that give me cause for concern over his obvious obsession with you...which in some ways is fine but in this point is more like his desire to have you locked away for himself only. (I agree with you on this part) which is a way a lot of abusive relationships begin.. do not let go of your friends for ANY man(but I don't agree with you on this part...that I think is a bit harsh since he's not just any man, he's her husband)... and he may need to seek some counseling to get over his apparent issues..(and yes, he does need to seek some counseling for this issue of his).

Anjeny said...

SSG...I can't see why your hub would be jealous of your relationship with your friend there. If anything, he should be glad that you have a friend who's very helpful to you in so many ways. I think this is just a deep rooted problem that he has with himself.

Maybe you and your friend can try setting a double date or some get together so your hub can meet her hub and see about developing a friendship between the two like one of the commenters suggested.

I'm sorry that something like this that's suppose to be a good thing is not going so good for you. Hang in there and maybe keep reassuring him of your feelings for him. Sorry, I wish I could do more or offer more for you.

Big Blue House said...

Maybe there are some traits, behaviors, or attitudes of your BFF that you have started to do, be like, that your husband doesn't like. Maybe you have changed since you have been friends with this girl and it is a change he doesn't like. He might want his "wife" back. Just a thought.............

James (SeattleDad) said...

I'm with SciFi Dad, my wife would be next on the list cause she needs to talk to people, a lot, and all I can muster some times is a grunt or two after a long day. If you can get your conversation with a friend, then more power to you.

Daddy Geek Boy said...

I've never heard of this before. Do you feel that you're giving your husband the short shrift because of this friendship?

But it makes me wonder something. (Big can o'worms opening in 3...2...1...) Is she hot? Could there be some sort of weird jealousy/attraction thing happening where it's easier for your husband to be mad at this woman?

It's an out there theory, I know.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

I think your husband is just feeling neglected. He wants time with you which is good. Yet can be stifling.

I also think the idea of getting together with your friends husband might make it a tad better... but I doubt he'll go for it if he already doesn't like your friend???

I'm clueless... wish I could help more!

Talk, talk, and talk more through it... is the only thing I can think of!

stupid smart girl said...

hi everyone - sorry to be so slow getting back - life is crazy right now.

Jessica - I've suggested that, and he isn't interested in getting to know her or her husband any better. Yes, I try to give him attention in the evenings when he's home. It doesn't seem to make a difference.

singedwingangel - indeed, he does not have any close friends, and never really has.

scifi dad - indeed, my talking needs are never fulfilled, but since I know he doesn't like her, I hesitate to tell him much about my day since it usually includes her. I'm afraid it will just annoy him further.

Anjeny - you think I should give up my friend because of my husbands issues? Sure, it would make him more comfortable, but it won't make the issue go away. You know?

BigBlueHouse - that is an interesting point. I have changed as a result of her influence. I am losing weight, buy cuter clothes, updated my hairstyle (which I have gotten tons of compliments on), and generally feel more attractive. I am also happier. Do you think maybe he liked the chubby, frumpy, sad wife I used to be better?

James - haha on the grunting. Indeed, when I talk, he usually just listens, not saying much, and I often feel like I am just running off at the mouth. Sometimes he even falls asleep, which really makes me feel important.

Daddy Geek Boy - When I first made this friendship I think he felt like he got less of me, and said so, so I have made more of an effort to give him my undivided attention when he's available to spend time with me. It hasn't solved the problem. As for your theory - haha, well, yes, she is hot. You think he's repelled because he's secretly attracted to her and uses anger as a shield? Hm... could be, I guess...

Shelle - I agree that him wanting time with me is good. But it doesn't seem to matter how much time I give him, he still resents any time I spend with her. We have talk talk talked about this for nearly a year. We've been to counseling. It seems to be one of those irrectoncilable differences.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. The ideas do help... and mostly I guess I just wondered if I am doing something really wrong here, or if he is the one with the problem.

stupid smart girl said...

hi everyone - sorry to be so slow getting back - life is crazy right now.

Jessica - I've suggested that, and he isn't interested in getting to know her or her husband any better. Yes, I try to give him attention in the evenings when he's home. It doesn't seem to make a difference.

singedwingangel - indeed, he does not have any close friends, and never really has.

scifi dad - indeed, my talking needs are never fulfilled, but since I know he doesn't like her, I hesitate to tell him much about my day since it usually includes her. I'm afraid it will just annoy him further.

Anjeny - you think I should give up my friend because of my husbands issues? Sure, it would make him more comfortable, but it won't make the issue go away. You know?

BigBlueHouse - that is an interesting point. I have changed as a result of her influence. I am losing weight, buy cuter clothes, updated my hairstyle (which I have gotten tons of compliments on), and generally feel more attractive. I am also happier. Do you think maybe he liked the chubby, frumpy, sad wife I used to be better?

James - haha on the grunting. Indeed, when I talk, he usually just listens, not saying much, and I often feel like I am just running off at the mouth. Sometimes he even falls asleep, which really makes me feel important.

Daddy Geek Boy - When I first made this friendship I think he felt like he got less of me, and said so, so I have made more of an effort to give him my undivided attention when he's available to spend time with me. It hasn't solved the problem. As for your theory - haha, well, yes, she is hot. You think he's repelled because he's secretly attracted to her and uses anger as a shield? Hm... could be, I guess...

Shelle - I agree that him wanting time with me is good. But it doesn't seem to matter how much time I give him, he still resents any time I spend with her. We have talk talk talked about this for nearly a year. We've been to counseling. It seems to be one of those irrectoncilable differences.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. The ideas do help... and mostly I guess I just wondered if I am doing something really wrong here, or if he is the one with the problem.

Big Blue House said...

I think your husband would love you no matter what you LOOK like. Cheers to you for losing weight and making yourself happier......but that isn't entirely what I meant. Have you changed your behavior, picked up some of her sayings, habits, mannerisms, ATTITUDES, things that he might not like about her. Maybe you could cut back a little on time spent talking and doing with your friend to see if that works AND take a look at your mannerisms,behavior, etc. to see if you have picked up some of hers. I have picked something (usually a mannerism or saying) up from every friend that I have had over the years and they weren't necessarily good. Also.......who is the most important in your life....I don't mean to give up your friend either but you have to LIVE with your husband so you must come to a happy medium. Ask him point blank what it is that he doesn't like about you being friends with her and what he doesn't like about HER. No confrontation, just a simple question that you need an answer to because 'he matters'and tell him that. Whatever he says,JUST LISTEN, DONT DEFEND her to anything that he says.If he doesn't respond, drop it and ask him at another time. If none of that works, try not talking to him about your friend. I hope some of these ramblings will help. I have been there, done that! Life is too short.

Anjeny said...

No SSG...I don't think you should give up your friend to appease your hubby's issues. He seem to have some issues that only the two of you can work out maybe with some professional help or not. If your friend is as helpful to you as you said she is, I think that is a friendship worth keeping..you do however need to reassure your hubby that your friend is not going to take his place in your life.

Some of the commentors have expressed you take a look at your behavior or mannerism and see if it's changed since you've met this friend of yours and talk to him about what seriously bothered him about your friend.

Really great friends are hard to come by these days and I don't think you should get rid of your friend especially if that is not even going to take care of your hubby's issues. That's all I'm saying.

Daddy Geek Boy said...

SSG...It's a theory anyway. Just because I don't know of too many guys who are jealous of their wives' female friends. There's got to be more to it.

ATV WEB SOLUTION said...

I am obviously no where near a perfect person and I have made many mistakes in my life. Im 16 almost 17 and I'm a junior. When I was a sophomore last year I was friends with this girl who had been my friend for over 6 years! We were very close but she could not stand that I was in love with this boy, she was extremley jealous of him. She hated him with a passion because I loved him so much and I would do anything for him, I mean he had me in deep.

WE BELONG