Thursday, January 28, 2010

I Have A Favorite Child....ok, not really, well sorta...

Hey, Just Jules here. Shelle presented this question to me- Do you believe that you have a stronger bond with one of your children ? More so than the others...

My take:
I chose this topic simply because we have a larger pool of children to observe these sort of behaviors then some of you do. Out of our four children I see unique relationships between us and them and even between them as siblings..

Now here is the deal - I refuse to use the wording "stronger bond" though. I will say that when it comes to my children, like adults, there are personality types that click better than others.

The birth order of our children is boy, girl, boy, boy. Their ages are 10, almost 9, 7, 5. Their personality types can be divided as equally as their looks. The oldest and the youngest are similar and they look more like my husband. It just so happens that they act more like him too. (on right in pic) The middle two look more alike - similar to myself.... and not so surprisingly they act more like me too. (on left in pic).

Now I can deal with, relate to, talk, and get along with all of them. However if I HAD to pick one that "clicks" with me best it would be the third child. (holding the stuffed animal) he is goofy, funny, very sensitive, considerate, notices how I look and mentions it. He knows how to have fun and isn't afraid to do so. However, he is also wild, first to cry, gets too pig headed to understand, has trouble reading, he cries often, would rather destroy then build- if something breaks he usually is the one that broke it, did I mention that he cries (alot)? Because of these "however" characteristics of this boy he tends drive my husband batty (especially the crying part)But I can deal with him.

Now my oldest... he is a pleaser. He worries, in fact it is almost like he is only comfortable when he has something to fret over. He isn't good at reading social cues, but he is smart - years above his grade level. He has a memory that is a bit frightening and has coordination to envy. He is good at any sport he tries and school work and friends come easily to him. But he drives me batty. My husband on the other hand doesn't see it.

You get my point. Are either of these my favorite, or least favorite? Absolutely NOT. Do I have a stronger bond with one over the other? No again. I am bonded with each and every one of them. I can read them from across the room. Their emotions sink into my bones and their concerns are mine. Even if I had to chose which one of the four to do something with - a weekend away etc. it would be
a toss up. I would enjoy each of them. But, when it comes to personalities and "clicking" yeah - I can pick one out then.

Side Note: I do find it funny that the kid who is most like me is the one that drives my husband wacko.... isn't that telling *wink

Just Jules can be found spinning in circles


Just Jules said...

Phew... this is finally up. I had quite the time posting this thing today. The auto post didn't work (I forgot about the time zone change) and then I posted twice and then the font posted wrong. oh my goodness, you would think it was a Monday. Sorry for all the flubbers - here ya go....I hope you enjoyed. Comment away, I will be back at lunch time to answer :)

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Great post Jules!!!

I agree with you on the not having a favorite child, but I do have a stronger connection? Is that right word? With one then the other.

And I love them both dearly but differently.

Their worries concerns troubles are still mine.

But yeah if I went on a trip and could only pick one... Sure there is one I'd have a blast with and one I'd worry more over...but that might have a lot to do with age and stages of life?

MommyLovesStilettos said...

I feel the same way. My kids are SO different - but I love them for those differences.

And I do find it funny that the child that is most like you drives your husband nutty! :)

Just Jules said...

thanks ladies, especially the part where you agreed with me ;)

Vodka Logic said...

I have two girls one looks and is more like my husband the other looks and behaves more like me. yikes..

As you said neither is a favorite but there are things I would rather do with one than the other and i "like" both for different reasons.

It also seems that the triggers for my husband and myself are different for both too.. good thing

Anonymous said...

I'll be posting on this topic tomorrow, so I'll spare any details at this point. But with four kids as well, all very unique and varied in personality quirks, I definitely would say that there is one in particular that I'm drawn to . . . for reasons I'll explain later.

You have a lovely bunch of kids, Jules. Next time we're close to your neck of the North, we HAVE to do a picnic or something . . .

Great post!

Anonymous said...

It's too early to tell about having a closer connection between my 2 since our youngest is 7 months, but my oldest (age 7) and I are very close. He and my husband don't have the same connection that he and I do. In my family, there are 5 of us. It's a running joke that my baby brother is mom's favorite. But no one cares b/c he's so easy to get along with and has always been such a good kid (compared to the rest of us troublemakers!) that we all agree. He never has had to have a spanking, while the rest of us had MANY, lol.

Big Blue House said...

I have 3 children, 2 boys and a girl. When they were younger, I had one that fought me his whole childhood and late into his teens. I felt I didn't bond with him but kept trying. I couldn't reason with him or connect with him. The oldest and youngest were 'no problem, well behaved children' easy to bond with....So if I had to pick one to go on a trip with, I wouldn't have wanted to pick him but he would have been the one I would have chosen because I feel he was acting out for attention. He got negative attention most of the time. He was the middle child. (I would have done things differently if I could have a do over).

This however, would not be fair to my other two children who probably wouldn't understand why he misbehaved and got rewarded by going alone with mom. Looking back on it now, I wished I would have done just that when they were younger, gone somewhere special with just one of my children at a time but I was so intense on being 'fair' to all of them that it would have seemed mean to me at the time. If one went, they all went.

However, to wrap it up, I absolutely DID NOT have a stronger bond, or loved one more over the other. Now that they are older, I feel my bond with each of them getting thinner and thinner. It makes me sad and unhappy. They have their own 'very busy' lives.

The middle child lives here in the same town and I feel I finally did bond with him. I love my children and now grandchildren more than anything else.(except hubby) I guess that is part of getting older and if it is, I don't like it.

You all have heard this before but bears repeating, enjoy each minute with each of them. Embrace their likes and differences and hope when they get older, with families of their own, they look back on their life with you as a good life, with good memories. After all, when you get older, memories are all you have left.

cfoxes33 said...

Okay, I have two children, a 15.5 yo girl and a 13 yo boy. I can totally relate to this.

In her younger years, the girl was a crier. I was patient with her and let her just get it out of her system. In the past 3 years or so, she has grown into this beautiful, passionate, I-am-my-own-person person and her and I really relate.

My son, is more like my dad and me. But now that he is starting to get older, I can see that he is not mine as much as he was. We seem to but heads a lot and disagree more.

But I love both of them with all my heart!

Homer and Queen said...

Great post Jules! Can we pock none of the above? LOL I too have a hard time with the "pleaser" in the family, but they all annoy me equally. As for the weekend...can I go alone?

Deb said...

Fascinating subject...I can see it touched a lot of people! It certainly made me think..loved your language about 'clicking' with some people. Also the image of being able to 'read' your children across the room. As an intuitive feeler, you are a genius at this...not just good at it. Well I'm off to visit with my mom and ask her why she didn't love me as much as my sister....ha! Just kidding! :-)

Anjeny said...

Great post, Jules.

With seven children and different ranges, I can totally relate to this post.

I hate to say this but I find that two of my kids, I really connect well with, my oldest daughter and my second son. I connect with my oldest daughter since she's my first and I had her while I was younger, I feel like we kinda grew up together. And because most of her personalities are similar to mine, I can relate and understand what goes on in her mind most of the time.

My second son, since he was a baby, I've always had this close bondness with him...I don't know why that is. He's also my emotional one, he takes things literally and seriously yet without his awareness, he can be a clown.

If I have to go on a trip anywhere...these two would be the ones I pick to go with. My oldest because like I said, being similar in so many ways, we'd really enjoy each other's company and she's one of most mature teenager I've ever met. I often joke to my husband that my daughter understand enough that sometimes that all I have to do is look at her and she knows what I want her to do. My son, because of the way he is, I know I would constantly get entertained if I take him with me on any trip.

Of course my youngest girl goes anywhere with me because well...she's my baby..LOL. It's funny because all of my kids when they're upset with me, they'd point out that I love so and so kid better than them and they always ask me who's my favorite and whoever ask me I would tell him or her that she or he is my favorite.

Of course, they all don't mind coming in second place in the favorite scale as long as the youngest daughter is number one favorite..she is after all their favorite anyways. LOL

Just Jules said...

VL- isn't it a blessing that different kids fit with each parent differently. Imagine if the same kid drove both of us crazy! ahhh

tysdaddy-Picnics are a for sure. We can eat at the feet of Paul and Babe

3men&lady- the easy going child does have the advantage don't they. however in life the stubborn ones might be better suited for the harder situations

BBH- you raised independent strong children that are busy trying to raise their own strong amazing children. It is a compliment to you.

cfoxes- relationships certainly change don't they? it will be interesting to see how mine change with my children

Queen- you rock. that is all i have to say. angel with her wings hiding

Deb- something went right somewhere you are an amazing lady.

Anjeny- my kids have YET to say I love one more then the other or I have a favorite *crossing fingers* that I can avoid that for awhile longer. I think I would just say - yeah, you're right. because they know what a smart *ss I am, and they would just laugh.

Anonymous said...

You make great points in terms of "clicking" with certain personalities. ... I have sometimes observed parents develop strong bonds with a "difficult" child, maybe because they have had to invest so much time and energy, and love them "in spite" of their flaws.

For reasons beyond my control, there is a big age gap between our 2 children. I have taken them both on individual trips, which were vastly entertaining in their own ways. If am honest, the things that annoy me most are usually related to qualities that I least like in myself. LOL

I am really enjoying the teenager stage with our oldest daughter. We enjoy similar tastes in books, music, activities, movies, etc. It is fun to discuss/debate different topics as she truly has a sharp mind and strong opinions. I could do without seeing my clothes left on her floor though....

Our son has several interests that he shares with me and my spouse, so we each "bond" in different ways with him. He is extremely observant and tends to be the more sensitive to other's feelings at this stage.

Coming from a large family of 7 kids, I don't think any of us felt/feel more or less loved by our parents than the others. This has remained true, even when one or the other may receive more of something according to their needs for a time.

The fact of the matter is, each child is unique, and all have varying needs at different stages during their life. The trick is in filling those needs without making the other child(ren) feel like they are loved any less. Hope we can pull that off....

Just Jules said...

Mountain Gal - thanks for the comment. I guess it is true - the old story:

He asked her, “Which one of them is your favourite?”

She said simply, “The one who needs me most.”
“Which one?” he asked in surprise.

She said, “The one who is sick; the one who is sad; the one who is lonely…. the one who needs me most … That is my favourite child!”

Anonymous said...

Exactly! That sums it up better than I did. :-)

Just Jules said...

give me an AMEN! so it is! thanks everyone this has been fun. I even got a great phone call from someone who read this and we further discussed it on the phone. Can't wait for the guy's view tomorrow .....stay tuned.

leah - moxiethrift on etsy said...

just jules, just a great post.


Very great post jule. You refelect the right way !!;) Rock on