Thursday, December 23, 2010

Dear You: Papa K Verbally Assults His Old Boss To The Blogosphere

Shelle Edit: I did internet bleep out the curse words in his letter for those people with sensitive eyes or are wearing the proverbial "ear muffs" :)  PapaK is doing an awesome thing on his blog where if you leave a comment he will donate a dollar to the Make-a-Wish Foundation.  So hop on over to his blog and leave a comment on THIS post.   

Hope you all have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Dear You:

I first met Vicki during my job interview for a sales position at a staffing company.

I had struggled after graduating college to find my place in the work-a-day world. I had stumbled through several lines of work (retail, restaurant, insurance, etc.) and this interview with her was my opportunity to get a “real” job! Something with substance! Something with incentives! Something with a base salary! Something with benefits! Something with career potential!

She was a tall, middle-aged looking woman with a nose that more resembling a beak than a human breathing apparatus. Her fingers were long and boney and reminded me of something that might belong to a vampire from a silent, black-and-white movie. She fiddled with her hair during the interview like most high school cheerleaders do when they’re talking to the Varsity quarterback.

I could tell she liked me and I freakin’ killed that interview.

She hired me.

Then I killed that d*** job.

Despite having a penchant for not really wanting to talk to people, I was a newly married dude with something to prove to my newly minted trophy wife. I won all the “Top Rookie Salesperson” awards you could win and was responsible for raising the branch I worked for to new heights previously unmatched by past sales people.

I proved myself beyond a shadow of a doubt to everyone… except to that beak-nosed, vampire fingered, cheerleader wannabe b**** of a boss that hired me.

As it turned out Vicki was a power hungry, man-hating divorcee with an unconscious need to belittle her worker bees and conveniently make her marriage to her job THE ONE AND ONLY priority to everyone.

She also:

-Stole sales from me and reaped the benefits of commissions on how well the branch was doing
while depleting me from extra money that should have been mine.

-Remained an active “selling branch manager” which enabled her to extract both a salesperson’s
commission check and a branch managers commission check from the company

-Falsely accused me of going “behind her back” when in reality I couldn’t wipe my butt without her
knowing about it

-Made me keep a journal of what I was doing every 15 minutes for a month only to file it away never
to be seen again

-Made me draft every email and let her read it before I sent it because she didn’t think I “wrote good

-Wouldn’t allow me to leave AT 5 O’CLOCK ONE DAY A WEEK in order for me to attend a bible study

-Accused me of taking credit for her ideas

-Gave credit to others on employees I found, screened and placed at jobsites

-After I left, she denied me my last commission check valued at around $2,000.

-Did not allow me to contact my customers to let them know I was leaving when I handed in my

The list goes on but at the risk of sounding too much like a whiny little b****… I’ll stop right there. I’d never met, and hope I’ll never meet again, a boss like Vicki.

After enduring nearly two years of her never-ending stream of crap… I found a way out by getting
another job.

After getting into a normal workplace setting, I was able to start the healing process and realize how
much sooner I should have just walked up to her and barfed this random stream of thoughts:

Hey Vicki… You constantly bemoan the fact you’re divorced and how much of an a** your ex-husband is but I’m here to tell you that if I was married to you I would have left your a** too because you’re bat-s*** crazy! He was probably sick and tired of your narcissistic personality and false accusations! Do you know that everyone who works for you quits? Look around you! Everyone who has worked here since I got hired or after I got hired is gone! That’s not a problem with them… that clearly points to a problem WITH YOU!! Do you know your nose looks like a beak? Instead of getting that boob job you were hoping none of us noticed then perhaps you should have gotten some rhinoplasty to change that beak into some sort of tangible nose! If you were a dude… I’d go ahead and help get the process started by breaking your nose with a tire iron! I helped make this branch over a MILLION DOLLARS! If you want to b**** at me for not placing a period where a comma should have been in an email then I’m just going to take a huge s*** on your desk because everything else in this world is secondary to your pathetic managing skills. You just lost the best employee you’ll ever have… I quit.

Well… I feel better now.

Anyone else had a boss they wanted to eviscerate?

Papa K

Monday, December 20, 2010

Dear You: Breaking Free

Dear You,

You're making me hate you.  We've been on this road for the better part of our marriage now, but lately it seems with each cruel word, each controlling action, each time you remind me how useless you think I am you're making me hate you a little more.

And you know what?  I'm glad.  Because you used to make me hate myself.  I used to believe you.  I used to think I was useless and fat and stupid and spoiled and ridiculous.  I used to think it was rational for you to give me an "allowance" because you don't want me to spend "your" money.  I used to think it was okay for you to treat me like a second class citizen.

But I don't think that anymore.  You know what I think?  I think you're the useless one.  I think you're an insecure, cruel, shell of a man and you resent me because I'm better than you.  You married above yourself, asshole, and everybody knows it.  My parents knew it when they told me not to marry a boy from "the other side of the tracks".  Your parents knew it when they were so out of depth in my world that they embarrassed us with their backward behavior at our wedding.  Everyone in my life knew it but I refused to see it.  Bravo; you put on quite a show.  You convinced me that you weren't marrying me for my daddy's money or the doors he opened for you.

I hate that I was so wrong about you.  I hate how you've turned things around in your mind so much that you think you're above me.  You think it's okay to belittle me.

I gave up so much for you.  I gave up a scholarship to a prestigious private college to go to a state school with you.  I abandoned my dream of law school because you asked it of me.  You wanted to start our "life", build our business, start your career and you didn't want the intensity of me being in law school holding you back.  And I gave these things up without complaint because I loved you.  It never mattered to me how much money you had, where you were from, or what your family was like.  You mattered to me.

You did, until you turned into a monster.

Your slow fade into this cruel, petty person you've become is such a shame.  You had so much potential.  You are very smart and driven and motivated.  We could  have been so happy together if you were the man I thought you were when I married you.  If you hadn't allowed your insecurity and resentment to build and build until the only way for you to release it was to spew it onto me and onto our children.

You used to make me proud to be your wife.  Now you just make me sick.

Here's a little secret, sir.  You know how I told you I'm going to grad school whether you like it or not starting this fall?  And you know how you dragged your feet about it and didn't want it to happen but ultimately "relented" and "allowed" it?  Well, guess what?  After I finish (and you pay for it) my children and I will be getting the hell out of here and we won't be looking back.

You can enjoy this luxurious prison you built for me all by yourself.  I am breaking free. 


If you have a letter to write send it in!  HERE is more info on what to do!  We want to hear from you!!!

So leave a comment, follow comments, come back and comment on other people's comments. Tell us how you feel or what you think!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Dear You: I long for you

Dear you,

How many letters must I have written that were left unsent? How many times did I stare aimlessly at
your number in my phone only to never call? How many hints have I tried to secretly muster out of
family members to hear how you were doing…to even hear your name.

It’s obsessive, sad, pathetic really.

I am a married woman after all.

Yet, why then can I not stop thinking of you, dreaming of you, wanting you, needing you.

Writing these words alone disgusts me.

I am not that vulnerable helpless romantic; at least I tried so hard not to be when I was with you.

Now that’s all I want to be, if it means I get to be vulnerable in your arms.

The words…they are just so tasteless and sickening, I’m nauseated by them myself, not to mention
embarrassed and ashamed, but I can’t help feeling this way.


That’s what it is.

I long for you.

I know I’ve inflicted this pain upon myself. I chose this life without you. I sent you away. I hurt you. I
broke you. I left you.

Then why am I the one left broken?

Why am I the one lingering onto the past; a past that can never be a part of the future.

I know I selfishly only told you this when it was too late, but I love you.

I know at that point I still had a fleeting chance to make you mine because I saw you loved me too, but
again, I naively or cowardly chose my current path instead.

I chose the path of safety, security and stability over the path of spontaneous uncertainty.

I chose the path of comfort and luxury over the path of struggles and simplicity.

I chose my superficial checklist over passion and intensity.

…Over love and genuine authenticity.

I lied to myself and convinced myself that this life would make me happy… that Somehow I’d find
meaning in it too.

On the contrary, I’m left empty and trapped in a world replete with meaningless illusions of grandeur
and external appearances.

Although consistently consumed by his presence, I am ever so lonely.

He doesn’t understand me the way you do.

He doesn’t listen to me the way you do.

He doesn’t see me the way you do.

He doesn’t look at me the way you do.

He loves me, but he doesn’t know me.

The way you do.

Forever hoping, dreaming and loving…



Monday, December 13, 2010

Dear You: Mom

Here's another great Dear You Letter!  I've got a few to post so I will also post one on Wednesday so make sure to comment and follow comments!  A lot of you have shared with me how it has been kind of nice to write what you have down... kind of freeing.  I'm so glad... I hope those of you that are wondering if you want to send a letter, that you do!

Dear You--Mom:

You stumbled over my blog by accident. I wasn't thrilled about it, particularly when you started trying to talk to me about my posts.  And I really wasn't happy when you started giving out the link to other people.  But I decided that wasn't going to stop me from writing what I want, how I want, when I want. 

But mom, now you've crossed the line.

You've been reading me for awhile, so you know I don't post about myself all that frequently. I write stories. Vampires. Crime. Whatever else pops into my head.  They are works of fiction.  Products of my overactive imagination.

Some of the tales are better than others.  Sometimes the stories write themselves, others I take months to polish until I get them right.

I've written stories that made you cry. That made you laugh out loud. That got you all hot and bothered. And that's the mark of a good writer - that I can make you feel...anything.

Just because I write about a vampire does not make me one. I write about murder - I certainly have never committed the crime. And just because I may, on occasion, write about the other woman doesn't mean that I have experience being the other woman.

I have a good imagination. I read. A lot. I research plot points. Just as any good writer would.

Sure, I can write emotions. Do you think at 32 years old I haven't had my heart broken? That I haven't been sad? Hurt? Scared? Scarred? Wondered "what if"?   Show me a person that hasn't felt all those things and I'll show you someone who knows nothing but denial.

I draw on those feelings to convey my stories.  Just as any good writer would.  So don't read things into my words which aren't there. 

Now... If my stories bother you, you have a choice. You can accept my pieces as the works of fiction that they are or you can stop reading.

The choice is yours. I love you. But your accusations were way out of line. And we will not be having this discussion again...


Monday, December 6, 2010

Dear You: Lost Cabin Pressure

Leave your comments of help or advice or your own frustration.  Comment on others comments... let's have a discussion... Thank you so much Lost Cabin Pressure for sending this letter in I'm sure there are so many out there that will relate!

Dear You,

I am frustrated. Many times a week, several times a month, and numerous times a year I hear, “Why do I have to read your blog to know what you are thinking? Why do I have to read your blog to know what is bothering you?” It is then followed by, “I really wish you would just talk to me.”

Some of the bigger things you were upset I didn’t come to you about were a conversation you heard when I was talking to my mother about being upset about a non-fiction book I had just read; I was jealous and upset over the relationship the author had with his father, and I was longing to have a better relationship with my father. I was sad for days. You were upset because you didn’t know what was going on. You were even more upset when you read my blog and learned how bullied I was in school when we were in middle school. You had no idea, and didn’t know the passion I had to stop and prevent bullying until you saw the video I made. Why hadn’t I said anything?

I understand your frustration.

You know I had my heart ripped out when I realized that everything I thought about my first marriage turned out to be a lie, a misunderstanding, or just sheer stupidity. I built walls that have started to crumble and still stand, like the Berlin wall in the early 80’s. It’s hard to see what is in my heart through a protective barrier. These walls have started to come down over time. My walls seem to have been taken down when we got married. I was an open book. You could ask my anything and I would give you the answer.

It has been recently I have started to put some walls back up, out of fear. Thing change when you have a child. I know this. My first marriage centered around the birth of our oldest child. I knew the stress that is involved with having a child, and I knew that the stress of a child is overwhelming. The desire to make sure there is enough money in the back, food in the cupboards, and a roof over their heads. This puts a damper on the purse strings. With you not working it has been tough. It has been tough on our growing family, it has been tough on our resolve, and it has been tough on our families.

So why are these walls being built again?

There was an analogy I read in an article not long ago. If you have ever been on an airline you surely have watched and listened to the pre-flight safety briefing. You have heard the announcer say, in the event of a loss of cabin pressure, an oxygen mask will come down. You are instructed to put a mask on yourself before you put a mask on your children; because in order to take of your children, you have to take care of you.

I feel like we are losing cabin pressure. The oxygen masks have come down and you are pouring all your energy into taking care of the kids and not taking care of yourself. What do I mean? The glue that holds relationships together is sex. Not the actual act of sex, but intimacy, a night out without anyone but us, and the spontaneous things we did before we had a child in the house full-time. So when it comes to talking about sex, and things that are bothering me, I find it hard to talk.

Why? Because you have said at every opportunity that sex is something you feel should never be talked about. You said you parents never talked about it, so why should you? We never really talked about sex before because we had sex nearly 75% more than we are having now. I have stated that in a healthy sexual relationship, sex plays about 10% in the overall happiness of the relationship, but in a relationship that is lacking in sex, it 70% in the overall happiness of the relationship. I want to talk to you about it.

I want to talk about it, but I feel that if you don’t want to talk about the things I want to talk about, then what is the point? Every time I open my mouth about sex, you get defensive and you feel bad about NOT wanting to have sex. I get that. You are putting a lot of time and energy into the kids. I know they appreciate it, but ignoring sex and the thought of talking about it is like goo gone to the glue that holds us together.

So every time you tell me, “Why don’t you talk to me about things,” it is like Reagan saying, “Tear down this wall” but like anything, you also have to tow the line. You have to put down your walls and talk about things you find uncomfortable to talk about.


Lost Cabin Pressure

If you have a letter to write send it in!  HERE is more info on what to do!  We want to hear from you!!!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Dear You: Desperate and Powerless

Hey, I'm so excited to finally post the first DEAR YOU letter! Please, if you have one to send in, SEND IT IN. CLICK HERE for more info on them. This email came to me through a made up email that was anonymous, the email name was (it even said in the email to please delete the email from them as soon as I posted the letter. So desperate and powerless I want you to know that I did, it is deleted :). There is a perfect example that there are many ways you can get what you want said to me so I can post it on here without even knowing who you are myself!

Without further ado...


I wish you would leave me alone. I am not strong enough to stop talking to you, so I wish you would do it for me.

You became so important to me, to my mind. I needed someone to tell my thoughts to. The fun ones and the bad ones and the really secretive ones. I found that in you. Along with that came falling a bit for you. I should not, but I really do like you, but that isn't completely true because it is a bit more than like but less than love, it is something right there in the middle. Whatever it is called or named it is not good for me.

In "real life" you wouldn't normally be a person I would be attracted to physically. But I didn't get to know you that way did I? I got to know you through emails and chats. I got to know your mind and you got to know mine. We have never met, we have never touched physically, yet the bond is there and it is as real as any bond I have formed with "real life" friends. You say all the right things, things I apparently needed to hear. You tell me I'm pretty, smart, fun, and alluring, delicious, yummy, delectable, and silly. I became addicted to hearing those things from you. I not only WANTED to hear them, but I NEEDED to. I began to do things I wouldn't normally do just to hear another compliment, your words became my drug.

Then I find that those words come easily to you to many others you email and chat with. What you say to me, you say to many. And I think what made it all so addicting was the illusion in my mind that I was more important. That is all anyone wants really, to feel special, the favorite, important. But I realize more and more that I am just one of many for you. I ignored it, pushed it aside, because I grasped so desperately onto those WORDS that made me feel so incredible.

But I don't want to WANT it or NEED it any longer.

I don't want you to be important.

So please, let me go, because I'm not strong enough to let you go.


Desperate and powerless.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Relationships during the Holidays-Guest POST? Help me out?

Doesn't it seem like relationships are either stronger or weaker during the holidays?  Like this time between Thanksgiving and New Year's is a pivotal time for couples.  Is it the onset of depression that comes with Winter for some?  Is it finances?  Is it family pressure or the pressure of having to see family?  Or could it be the feeling of giving that gives some a feel good euphoria?  The anticipation of something new?  The weather forcing those inside to spend more time together, therefore, strengthening relationships that needed that quality time? (Of course, that could work the opposite way also).

It's time for you to volunteer your excellent voices to the Real World blog once again!

I want your stories.  I want to know what memory or event turned your world upside down.  What thing happened that either weakened or strengthened your relationship during this season between Thanksgiving and New Year's?  How did it?  Did it affect just your relationship and/or every relationship around you?  How did it change you?  How did it change the person you had/have the relationship with?

Your first love?
Friend in need?
Family in need?
Financial burden?
Financial blessings?
Old love renewed?
Love given up?
Falling out of love?
Worst fight ever?
Best make up ever?

Those are just off the top of my head.  But I would like you to share your story with us here at the Real World.  Share with us what you went through, can we learn from it?

I also have a few LETTERS that have been written that I will post in between your stories (if you don't know about the LETTERS posts please click HERE to find out)-along with Group Therapy-and What Would You Rather.  So VOLUNTEER and GUEST POST over here!  We, I, would love the help and would love to hear about YOU!  You can do it linked back to you or Anonymous like always.

So comment here and let me know what you want to write about and I'll schedule you... or email me at, SUBJECT: Story.

Love you all!


Sunday, November 14, 2010

To our Friend Wendy...

"The deep pain that is felt at the death of every friendly soul arises from the feeling that there is in every individual something which is inexpressible, peculiar to him alone, and is, therefore, absolutely and irretrievably lost." ~Arthur Schopenhauer

"While we are mourning the loss of our friend, others are rejoicing to meet him behind the veil." ~John Taylor

A writer here on Real World, a commenter who has always lit up the comment box, and someone I consider a dear friend through blogging has just had her world turned upside down. She is going through something NO parent should ever have to endure, the death of a child.

Please go and visit her blog and give her your kind words if you feel so moved...


Wendy, we love you and our prayers, thoughts, and good feelings are directed your way for you and your family, in a time where comforted is needed, I want you to know we are thinking of you guys.

Love Shelle

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Do You Have a Letter to Write?

As more and more anonymous are coming forward to write out their feelings as some form of therapy I have decided to start something new.

On my personal blog I use to write letters to people I wanted to either vent to or just say something to them that I hadn't said or couldn't say, but wanted to.

I want to do that here.  I am going to open a new series called "Dear You..."

Basically what I am asking of you, my readers, is if there is someone you would like to say something to but either can't on your own blog or can't in real life I'd like you to do it here, in letter form. You can attach your real name and blog to it or you can sign the letter anonymous or a fake name that goes along with the letter.  Like if I was single and wanted to write about the hook up I had on Friday and how terrible it was I would sign the letter, "Another victim of yours left unsatisfied".

Write to your ex and say everything you've needed to say but haven't or couldn't, tell your significant other why you are so in love with them, ask unanswered questions to a neglectful parent, express your thanks to a secret best friend... whatever it is, the only qualification is you have to have a "relationship" with this person.

Let this blog be your out.  Let those of us who read learn from you and your life experience.  That is what I want this blog to continue to be. So make the letters funny, sad, frustrated, heartfelt, happy, or angry... whatever you need to get it out.

 I know I have been slacking a bit lately.  I'm completely swamped with work and unfortunately my blogs get put on a back burner.

I want to publicly thank those of you who have just sent in posts for me to publish, they have been incredible and perfect.

Now get to writing those letters.  Just email me @ SUBJECT: Letters.



Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Group Therapy: Love him enough to let him go

Group Therapy: We have another group therapy this week. This just came in, please give your advice and help or whatever you have to say in comments.

"I am such an idiot. I set myself up; there's no one but myself to blame. It's my fault I fell headlong into impossible love with another woman's husband. I didn't ask for it. I didn't want to. I certainly didn't plan to. He didn't either. People don't plan these things, or even seek them out.

People seek out affairs, they seek out quick fucks and meaningless momentary escapes from their lives, but I am convinced they do not set out to fall in love with someone else's spouse. This road can lead to nowhere but pain.

At first, with the newness of falling in love, the attention he lavished on me, and the myriad ways he was so different from the monster I married I convinced myself the flight would be worth the fall. I thought I could handle the pain, even welcomed it because even though I'd have to face it eventually, it would mean I'd lived. It would mean I'd rolled the dice and won, just for awhile. I embraced the pain I knew would come because I convinced myself that I could handle it. I could control how much loved him.

Oh, how very wrong I was.

I am in the pain now. I am in a world of hurt I didn't realize existed. I have never been loved by a man before. I was never loved by my husband or any of the men I dated before him. They loved my body, my looks, or my money, but never me. This man, this other woman's husband saw me. And he loved me. He loved me in spite of my flaws and my impossible situation. He loved me before he knew I was rich. He loved me before he knew of my connections or what I could offer him. He loved me.

I know what you're thinking. I know that everyone looks at adultery and shakes their heads. When the adulteress says, "it's different" eyes roll and tongues cluck in disbelief and even some disgust. That's okay. I understand that; I've done that. But this was different, ridiculous as I know it sounds.

I knew from the onset that he would not leave his wife. I don't think I loved myself enough to allow that to be a deal breaker but I know I loved him enough to understand his reason - his children - and to support his decision because I love him enough to want what's best for him. And his babies are his whole world. He is as addicted to his children as I am to mine and I don't know if he could stand the thought of being apart from them if he left his wife. He's not a part time kind of daddy.

And, naively, a small part of me I didn't even acknowledge existed thought that maybe someday, when they were grown or at least older, things would be different. Regardless, I loved him even though I wasn't enough. I loved him (at least in part) because I wasn't enough, I think. I would have thought less of him if he'd have put me before his children. I would never want him to do that and so I accepted the situation as it was.

His wife found out today. Honestly, at this point I don't know how much she knows. The phone call was brief, to the point, and so very very devastating. "It's me, baby. Things are very bad here. She knows. I'll call you when I can. I love you. I'm so sorry."

And my world has crumbled. There is an iron fist wrapped around my heart and who can I even tell? It's such a shameful, dirty secret I cannot even have the luxury of hurting over it.

There is one person in my life who knows my secret. I told this person today that his wife found out and the response I got was, "Well you should be glad! He'll get divorced now for sure!" I am many, many things, but glad is not one of them. I love him enough that I want him spared of all pain, even if sparing him means taking it on myself. No, I'm not happy he may be getting a divorce. I'm devastated for him because I know that if it happens and he is separated from his children, an essential part of him will be changed forever. I would rather never see him again than see him destroyed.

I learned a very hard lesson today. Love does not conquer all. Just because we're in love does not mean we can be together. I do not embrace this pain anymore. I'm not so sure anymore that it's worth it. My heart is broken, partly for what I am sure is the loss of this man who, despite his flaws and despite what you must think about his character considering he claims to love me but stays married to another woman, truly did love me very well, but mostly for him and what he now faces.. And I have to love him enough, now, to let him go."


Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Advice for the men

Shelle Edit: Okay well Ken is not a new blogger here to this blog, but this is his FIRST time posting here and he has decided to grace us with his wisdom. Have fun and check his blog out when you get a chance!

OK Guys…listen up . I am speaking to you guy-to-guy here. Look I am a single guy who has been on the prowl for a while. I have been taking my time, watching, listening, paying attention. I have even been schooled by the fairer sex on things I wouldn't even have known to look for before. I have been talking to your wives, your girlfriends, your sisters, hopefully none of your daughters, and for some of you even your moms.

Look I am not trying to brag, but I do have a gift. I have developed a keen sense of listening. No..NOT hearing..that is involuntary! I am talking about the art of true listening. To be honest sometimes women treat me like I am their gay friend and I really don't mind. Total strangers will pour their secrets out to me, and I am not even sure why. All though I suspect part of it is I can quickly make someone very comfortable about talking to me. The thing is I have been listening and learning. I want to share what I have learned to help some of you guys out here, because almost unanimously women tell me most guys are clueless.

Now lest you think I am some sort of "Ladies Man" ( I hate that term) or Don Juan ( hate that term even more) I am not. In fact, that's why a lot of women are so comfortable with me. I really don't come across as having an agenda. I am not looking to see how many of these women's panties I can get inside. It's totally not my style. Although if I really wanted it to be my goal to get horizontal with as many of them I could…easily…why? Well that is what I am about to tell you. Understanding these things has lined me up with more potential action than I could ever handle. I have never really needed a dating site or a personal ad because I understand these things. Women contact me out of the blue all the time. All…. the….. time. I am not bragging it's just a fact.

So whether you want to step up your game, or just make your current relationship better here are few things you may or may not already know. Live 'em , learn 'em…LOVE THEM.

1) She wants you to listen to her….not just hear her, or even worse endure her. Do you know the difference? If the answer is no then keep in mind women DO know the difference, and it is very important to them. In fact for many women having a guy actually listen to them and be genuinely interested is like foreplay. They will tell you it is a total turn-on.

2) You are NOT all that and a bag of chips. I don't care if you have won the Superbowl or are the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. Yes, women love confidence, and its true power can be intoxicating, but in reality I think most women will tell you self-indulgent smarminess is a total turn-off. It's the core of who you are that is important not the picture you paint of all that you THINK you are. While we are at what the hell is up with fat guys who say rude things about their wives/girlfriend's weight? That shit just pisses me off. I am always looking at these guys and thinking WTF are you serious?? Have you looked in a mirror? You guys are the exception…YOU ARE all that and a bag of chips. In fact, you are every bag of chips you have ever eaten!

3) A nice set of six pack abs and some decent biceps doesn't hurt, but in case you don't have them ( most of us don't) then you need to work with what you've got. It amazes me with the current imagery of what the perfect male is these days that men don't have just as many eating disorders as women. Still if you don't have the most perfect body you can work with what you have. I am not saying you can avoid exercising you lazy couch potato bastard! No.. I am not saying that at all in fact get your lazy ass up right now and give me 25 for thinking it (said in my best R. Lee Ermey voice)!!

What I am saying here is women want a guy that thinks enough of himself to take care of himself regardless of what he has going for him physically. I am not even saying the latest fashions are necessary because jeans and a t-shirt will do just fine depending how you carry yourself. Try not to slouch, sit like like a slob, pick, and/or scratch all the time. Ok..get it??? If this doesn't make sense go see your mom about personal grooming.

4) Being able to show emotion is a sign of strength not weakness. If I had a dime for every woman who has told me she is with an emotionless soulless pit. I'd have a dime..ok just kidding…I'd have at least like $1.60. A lot of women tell me that their man is capable of only two emotions basically anger and elation (usually associated with a Sports victory of some kind) who suddenly expects to hop right to the sack at the drop of a dime. Guys ..really…some women would rather have sex with a dry vagina. I am generalizing, but if I am being honest most women need some kind of emotion/attention/shutthef*ckupandlistenforaminute first before givin' you a trip to pleasure town.

Whether it is love , laughter, or sincere appreciation of beauty that shit is like important to their stimulation (that tingling feeling between their thighs). Now you have to be careful here not to over do it. Women who like men (notice the qualifier here) dig the masculine for a reason. They want a guy who is strong and confident, and and takes the lead now and then. If you are too emotional …like totally limp wristed emotional.. you know like crying all the time…well it becomes drama and is totally draining. Women don't do draining very well. In fact, men don't either. Don't be this guy

5) All women have a bad girl side. Do you hear me? They all have it…They ALL want something down and dirty sometimes. The question is not whether it is there, but how to get it out of them. Number one rule. They have to feel comfortable with you. You make them feel awkward about their body, their emotions, their closeness to you and all bets are off. Part of that feeling close to you is knowing you respect them, and yes it does have emotional quotient to it. Look..I get it... having fun, casual sex isn't bad. I know some here will tell you all the quasi religious and moral reasons its bad. I am not here to argue that subject (yet), because I do believe, and know that on some level the sex you have with someone you are totally in love with and feel comfortable with is off the friggin' wall compared to any casual encounter. You think that wife of yours that you have been married to all these years can't possibly have a dirty freak side. I am telling you that you are wrong. You just got to know how to bring it out of her. Oh and for the record just sitting her down in front of the computer with porn and saying "here watch this" doesn't work.

Coming home from work, acknowledging her day, helping with the kids, talking to her sweetly..well that does work. Now you find the real dirty side of someone you are in love in with, and all I can say is two things. Plan on being up all night…and plan on having a pitcher of water in the room somewhere you are going to want to stay hydrated!

6) Validated - I know its a psychobabble word in and of itself, but the concept is a real one. It has to do with those good old emotions again (are you seeing a pattern yet?). Now it is a stereotype to say that all women are over emotional pools of neediness.Look… guys.. it is tremendously short sighted for you to not recognize that women do internalize and handle emotions different than men. There is certainly a genetic component to this, and it may be very well born out of the role that most women have to be nurturers. NOW PAY ATTENTION:These emotions are very real and they need to be addressed. If you blow them off, ignore them, or indicate in any way you find them stupid or trivial, well you are just asking to get junk punched. Not to mention you will spend the rest of the evening asking "What's Wrong?" which is like the sex "kiss of death". If you had paid attention in the first place numb nuts..YOU would KNOW what is wrong and you would probably be fixing it right now with more sex.

7) I thought about leaving this out, but I think many women might not forgive me if I do. Learn how to give gifts. You stupid an ironing board as a gift is going to get you throat stabbed!! Here is a training video on what NOT to do

Seriously, a lot of women complain that that guys stop remembering birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine's day etc. It's not even that you didn't give them big luxury gifts or wonderful vacations (although its always nice). The thing that irks women to no end is you stopped being thoughtful. The small heartfelt gifts are the ones that they remember the most. It's not that you spent a fortune it's that you took the time to really think about who they are, and what they would appreciate that counts. Remember you get bonus points for just doing something out of the blue without an occasion or obligation being tied to it.

8) Last but certainly not least. If they took time to get all dolled up for you..tell them how stunning and sexy they look. If they did something nice for you let them know how much you appreciate them. If they smell nice let them know, and give them a kiss on the neck. If you think about them often..let them know. I know women have eyes in their back of their head ( at least my Mom did). That being said they are not mind readers..lie detectors yes…mind readers no. They need to hear it..not just that you thought it waaaaay after the fact…

Finally, If you love them..tell them…tell them every single day.

OK that's it for now. That's all I got. if you got more feel free to add them. If you think I am wrong feel free to let me know. I know for some this will seem like a How-to manual to get past women's emotions and get laid, but that is not it it all. It is more complicated than that, but really most guys DO want to know how to get past a women's emotions and get laid. There is nothing wrong with that. It's in our nature. The problem in attempting this is if a guy is insincere about what he is saying, or his agenda is all lit up like a fucking Christmas tree.He and by he I mean you are going to fail, and fail miserably! What I am doing here is trying to help guys understand what they might not be aware of. the way... If you are woman reading this you have to know that kind of understanding is apparently rare. Rare like a f*cking unicorn or the McRib.

Gotta say for the record though…based on my research. I thinkwhat I have to say is pretty spot on.


Monday, November 8, 2010

Group Therapy: How important are blogger's in your life?

Just received this in an email... thought I'd pass it along:

"I have a question I need help with.  I know you talk about relationships usually concerning marriage or dating couples.  But my question is about relationships with other bloggers.  How much does a blogger's relationship with those they get to know online blogging affect their real life?  Should it?  How much relevance do most blogger's put on a relationship with people they formed through reading their blogs, emails, chats? 

I'm not really a blogger myself but I've become curious about this question as I continue to figure out what this blogging thing is all about. In fact, this will be my very first contribution to ANY blog."

Okay post in comments your advice or opinion on what this person has to say.  Twitter or Facebook this post if you know someone who can help this person out with their questions!

***We would love to hear from you guys! If you have something you want discussed in Group Therapy email me at blokthoughts @ gmail dot com-- Subject: Group Therapy.

Comment, follow comments, come back and discuss others comments, and feel free to comment anonymously!

Monday, November 1, 2010

What Would You Rather Episode 13

What Would You Rather--Warning GROSS questions taken from THIS site!  The idea is to choose ONE answer. This is just a game so yes the questions are a bit out there and unrealistic. The hard part is in the choosing. So play along and tell us... what would YOU rather and then explain maybe WHY you chose that answer?

1) Be trapped in an elevator with wet dogs or with three fat men with bad breath?

2) Immerse your naked body in a bathtub of cockroaches or dive naked head first into a pool of tobacco spit?

3) Have a fat, nasty but or floppy jowls?

4) Your Significant other has done something terrible but has since stopped and will never do it again:  Would you rather them NOT tell you and you live in blissful ignorance never knowing what they did and living a relatively happy life OR have them tell you what they did, everything open and out on the table you are completely broken hearted but stay with them until death do you part or forever, but you always distrust them and question them.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

I HATE the way my spouse drives...

Shelle Edit:  Nitebyrd rocks.  She is always giving me ideas and definitely sends me fun stuff like this that makes my day.  But every time she emails me, it's the quote at the end of her email that I love the the most... "I want to live my life in such a way that when my feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says, "Oh! Sh*t! She's awake!"

We all crave a little excitement in our lives.  You know, just something that makes your heart pump faster, something to give you a little shiver up the spine, every once in awhile. Am I right? Yes, you know I am. But no one needs the heart stopping excitement of facing death every time they go to the mall or to grandma’s house.  This kind of thrill is detrimental to one’s health and I had it every time I got in the car with my husband driving.

Let me tell you that he hasn’t ever been (knock wood) in an accident, nor has he ever caused one (thank the Gods) but the man only knows how to drive offensively. The car becomes a heat seeking missile, locked on target the moment he turns the key.  Nothing will deter the vehicle from arriving at its appointed destination at maximum velocity.  Gotta pee? Hold it until the car needs gas (Even driving 24 hours to New York!). Car sick? Lean out the window. And DON’T puke on the car!  Sightsee? Catch a glimpse of it as we speed by at 90 mph. The man is single minded when it comes to driving.  He would have made an expert getaway driver for bank robbers.

For many, actually too many, years, I let him drive if we were going someplace.  I apparently have a masochist streak that I didn’t realize. Every time we were going to travel this song would run through my mind ~

Ground control to Major Tom, Ground control to Major Tom:
Take your protein pills and put your helmet on
Ground control to Major Tom: Commencing countdown engine's on
Check ig-nition and may God's love be with you
(Space Oddity by David Bowie)

And once we got on the road, it was this song ~

No stop signs, speed limit
Nobody's gonna slow me down
Like a wheel, gonna spin it
Nobody's gonna mess me round
Hey Satan, payin' my dues
Playing in a rocking band
Hey Momma, look at me
I'm on my way to the promised land

I'm on the highway to hell ...
(Highway To Hell by AC/DC)

No matter what was on the radio, I heard AC/DC. Every. Single. Time.

I HATE the way he drives. I’ve rubbed St. Christopher off two medals, cracked a bone in my hand from grasping the console during close calls, have a bone spur in my heel from smashing my foot to the floor braking with no brake and a pinched nerve in my leg from bracing as we sped down highways and byways over the years.  Finally, I refused to get in the car if he was driving because my panic attacks became so bad I thought I was having heart attacks.

My decision caused quite a few arguments but he realized, I wasn’t giving in and taking two cars everywhere was stupid.  He, of course, HATES the way I drive and is very vocal about it but since I don’t have Bon Scott screaming in my head anymore, I listen to the radio or whatever happens to be going on in my brain and tune his complaints right out.  This makes driving much more pleasant and less like looking into the face of firey annihilation when going to the grocery store.

Nitebyrd--(Not Always Safe For Work) She has also posted HERE, HERE, and HERE for us!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Halloween, Couples, Costumes... any ideas?

Well since Halloween is coming up I thought I'd post some great ideas for Couples Halloween Costumes... ones that are out of the NORM, in my world anyway, some of you may see these sorts of things on a daily basis.  I don't judge though.

Image taken from HERE.  The old Ball and Chain with a twist?  Some of you may have this kind of stuff in your "special room".

Image taken from HERE. Adam and Eve with Toga hats and a fake snake and apple.  Your bound to be the laugh of the party at the very least.

Image taken from HERE. I think this gets the lease awkward in a crowded room award!  I mean there has to be all kind of safety hazards broken here.  Although, it kind of pulls at my arcade kid heart... I loved playing pacman.

Image taken from HERE. There is just something... WRONG about this one.  And hopefully if you DO choose this one, there isn't any close dancing to be done, the chaperons at the party are sure to bust you on being inside the "safety" zone.

Image taken from HERE. If all else fails. Just go as a hip reality T.V. couple.  Skanky always works.  Oh wait, this isn't a costume, this is actually a couple from the Jersey Shore!!!  Still... not a bad idea...

My SIL and BIL pulled it off nicely!

Let me know in comments some ideas for couples costumes! We have a party to go to and I'm sure others of you do also! Creativity is key!


Friday, October 22, 2010

Prank and a Proposal

I was looking at all of these proposals on YouTube and it just reminded me of that fun, lustful, goose bumpy feeling. Sometimes I'm embarrassed by open displays of affection, but there is just something about proposals...

I decided to switch it up for today...

This proposal by far tops the cake of both humor mixed in with some sweetness. These two are hilarious.

Have a good weekend ya'll!


Thursday, October 21, 2010

Mate Poaching... do you do it? Do you know someone who does?

Shelle Edit:  I met CityMom over at The Urban Cowboy's site.  I wrote a Monday Maverick for him and then She did!  I love her enthusiasm and the way she is so day to day real on her blog.  She is newer to blogging than most, but by reading her blog and the way she comments, you wouldn't ever know.  We welcome her as a Guest Contributor and check out her blog after she writes about why women take each other's man!

Catty: "Is that him?" (eyes tall, dark and handsome male working his way through crowd)
Polly: "Yes! How do I look?" (keeps eye on male)
Catty: "I told you! You look great." (checking her own reflection, Catty ignores Polly and eyes Polly's fiance as he approaches)
John - the mate - reaches Polly,  swoops her up in his arms, kisses her and hugs her tight. Over Polly's shoulder John spies Catty who is giving him a sultry, come-do-me once-over...
Sound Familiar???
You Betcha.  Catty is the classic "poacher".  If a girlfriend has him, then she wants him too.  Now, I'm not talking about threesomes.  Personally I think that's more of a MFM success story but that's another post topic.

Is there a female out there reading this who has NOT had a  girlfriend try to poach her date, mate, husband?  Yes girls, a lot of us have done this...ugly as it may seem this behavior is quite common AND one of the "mating strategies" that has lead to the successful continuation of the human race.

And what about John, our gallant hero?  The devoted mate is so focused on Polly that he wouldn't even notice another female putting herself on the table...right?

Wrong!  Research shows that male "short term mating" (fling, affair, quickie) dates back to the stone age when part of the males' job was to reproduce many times to ensure survival of the tribe.  Where a female could at best produce one child per year (not getting into multiple births here), a virile male could produce, in theory, a child for every willing female in the tribe.

While this mass reproduction is no longer necessary in our society, the behavior patterns for men and women survive and are still in practice.  In a recent survey, one of the reasons listed by women who engaged in short term mating was "getting something" in return. Jewelry, dinner, clothing.  This tendency is even more pronounced if the female is in a marriage with a male who does not provide adequately for her.  Law of the jungle.  The old man has no money so she's out shopping around for something better.  So much for better or for worse.
The guy, well he wants the quickie enjoyed by his ancestors.  Basically, men who cheat lower their standards of selection (since they have no longterm interest in the one nighter they don't care if she'll produce quality offspring).  In fact, the male of our species prefers to meet the female and bed her as quickly as possible.  He then experiences a marked drop in his attraction to her, and bolts for the door.  According to cultural anthropology this can be traced back to the early need to copulate for reproduction's sake also.

Whatever.  I think that some people always want what they are not supposed to have. Or maybe they think of the other person's relationship as a test.  Hmm, she's happy with him. He must be a good guy.  Think I'll snag him.

Although research shows that men and women poach a lot.  In fact - this shocked me - men actually poach more!  I've always thought of this as a female specialty.
The men I know have always stated that it's an unspoken rule of "Men's World" - you just don't do that to a buddy.  Ok, so maybe the poacher doesn't know the guy.  That would make it ok in "Men's World"?  Who knows?

My most memorable experience with a female poacher was one of my college roommates.  Let's call her "Susie".  Susie liked sex.  Plain and simple.  Now mind you she was selective.  She looked around, found what she wanted and went after him.

Her tastes were diverse.  She usually saw 3 or 4 men at the same time (not all at once, but concurrently).

The first time I realized this about her was when her mother told me she enjoyed meeting the guy I had been dating.  Funny thing is...I never introduced them.  Seems the minute I left town for a week Susie and Joe were rutting like rabbits.  When I returned there was ZERO, I mean no behavior change on either of their sides.  Furthermore neither one of them was particularly repentant when I did find out.

What makes these folks tick?  They couldn't stand each other as people.  They just wanted to shag. 
Then (yes, I roomed with her after that - long story), while she never poached me again over our four years as roommates I would sometimes have to sit in the living room visiting with the guy who arrived to pick her up so she could shuttle the afternoon squeeze out the back door!

There were at least 3 married men who she didn't want any part of except the sex.  Oh, and one math professor who must have been 50! Yuck - we were like 21.  He had a gray beard and a pot belly.  Why would she want him?

So my point is rather lost in this rambling but while I agree there may be some psychology of evolution behind "poaching", I think basically there are always folks who take what they want and don't give a damn if anyone gets hurt in the process.

And mind you, none of the men were blameless.  They all knew they were married or committed and they all knew what Susie wanted. 

So what do you think?  Is it ok for a man or woman in a committed relationship to grab some on the side?  Why or why not.  Do you and your partner have a share and share alike relationship?

Let's hear from you.

Thanks for reading.


Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Meet the Blogger: Elaina

Shelle Edit: So Elaina was the winner of the contest we had about a month and a half ago.  Her prize was to be spot lighted here on the Real World!  I'm sure she was super excited! hehe.  Anyway, I wanted to say Elaina is one of the most well spoken bloggers I have come across.  She has very specific views on about everything and you can tell has educated herself to defend her position.  I love her comments here and am so glad we have the opportunity to point people to her blog.  Read a bit about her and then hop over to her site!  I don't think you'll regret it.


Name: Elaina

Age: 24

Kids #, age, sex: Abigail is almost 3, and Holton (a boy, if it wasn’t obvious) is 1

Maritial status: Married

1. How many years in your current relationship: 6.5 years, and our 5th wedding anniversary is next month

2. Have you ever been divorced?: Nope

3. What do you do for work: I'm a SAHM, so I pretty much sit around and eat bons bons, and let my kids watch lots of TV and jump on their beds.

4. Education: I'm taking part-time classes this fall, and starting full-time in the spring(guess the bon bon days will be over!). I hope to have my BSN (bachelor of science in nursing) within 2 years

5. Blogs you contribute to: pretty much just this one, and my own.

main blog: Monologue - the title is inspired by a Margaret Millar quote: "Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of witnesses."

6. Religion: Agnostic

7. Political affiliation: (republican, democrat, libertarian): If pressed on a candidate, I'm likely to vote Democrat.

8. Basic philosophical leaning: (liberal, conservative, confused): Pretty moderate, actually. I'm socially liberal but fiscally conservative.

9. What is your motto in life?: I have two: "Live and let live", and "Be who you want your children to become"

10. Who has had the most influence in your life?: I would love to write something inspirational here, but I think I'm pretty much self-made. I'm far more likely to turn inward in times of crisis than I am to reach out.

11. Why did you start Blogging? (100 words or less): I actually started blogging early this year, after a visit with some family. I realized how different I am from them all, and I started to wonder why. I've used my blog to explore myself, I guess. Now, I’m so happy that I did, because I’ve learned so much about myself, and I’ve made a few really good friends in the blogosphere that I never would have known otherwise.

*What is the most favorite post you have written on any blog you contribute to?: This one, about why I miss being a Christian: , and this one, about growing up in an unhappy home:

12. Tell us in 100 words about your current relationship: I’ve written a little about it here, but I’m an Army Spouse of 4 years. My husband and I met right after I graduated high school, and we got married the following November. We had a miscarriage in our first year of marriage, and have two children; we don’t plan to have any more. We’ve done one 15 month deployment, and in almost 5 years of marriage, we’ve spent 27 months apart. Still, we make it work, and aside from a few rough patches here and there, we’re pretty happy. He’s a good guy, and I think we’re lucky to have one another.

13. BONUS or OPTIONAL: Tell us something we need to know about you that we haven't covered above. 50 words or less: I grew up in an emotionally abusive home, and ran away from home at 16, with my 4 year old brother. We moved into my aunt’s house, and it was, hands down, the best decision I’ve ever made. I wish I still had that kind of strength, but I think I’ve lost it.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

How I found out my son wasn't a virgin.

Children never think that their parents were ever children. Some weird synapses of the brain programs them to believe that their parents were plopped on earth as fully formed adults ready, willing and able to raise them. 

In some ways, I think the reverse is also true. Parents don't ever think their babies will become adults. I know we all imagine our children as grown, thinking of them being president or finding the cure for cancer.  In my case, I just was hopeful I'd be able to get them through school and out of the house at one point without visiting them in prison at any point.  But I digress.  When my son was born, it was a total surprise. Not that I was having a baby, I had that figured out, but that he was a he!  A sonogram early on predicted he was a she. (1985 sonograms not very advanced.)  My husband and I only had picked out a girls name. Everything I'd gotten for my shower was pink and/or girly.  So, you see HE was a huge surprise.  In more ways than one, he was freakin' HUGE! The boy weighed 10 pounds, one ounce at birth. Vaginal birth.  He looked like Mao Tse Tung, he was just adorable!

I did think about him becoming a man but it was a distant thought and I just never got my brain to accept the idea that he, my adorable baby boy, was actually destined to become an actual grown-up male human being. He did keep growing – the terrible two's, the I-only-want-mommy phase, the I-only-want-daddy phase, the I-hate-my-sister phase, the I-hate-everyone-phase, and the dreaded puberty.

A boy in puberty is a trial from nature. I finally understood why some species eat their young.  Again, I digress.  He grew and matured.  He began to take long showers and then he began to date. His first serious girlfriend was at the age of 15.  She was a very nice girl, got him to go to church – three times a week! They dated about a year. They were madly in love and then she dumped him.  Oh! The Agony!  That lasted about two months and my boy was back on the dating scene.  His next girlfriend, while nice, was a few months older than my son and was years wiser.  They were in lust.  I don't think she knew what church was let alone enter one, not that I'm judging, mind you.

While I could recognize the fact that my son, now a teenager with five o'clock shadow and a deep baritone voice, I still couldn't bear to admit to myself that he was on the verge of adulthood and all that entailed until the morning of July 5th of the year he was turning 17.  On that morning, I was picking up clothing from the bathroom floor to place in the hamper when a condom wrapper fell out of the pocket of his shorts. An empty condom wrapper.  An empty glow-in-the-dark (yellow) condom wrapper.

My baby, my sweet precious baby boy and his tart of a girlfriend had celebrated our country's independence with a BANG! He had also declared his own independence that exploded my delusion that children stay children.

Nitebyrd--> has also written for us HERE and HERE

Monday, October 18, 2010

What Would You Rather Episode 12

What Would You Rather--The idea is to choose ONE answer. This is just a game so yes the questions are a bit out there and unrealistic. The hard part is in the choosing. So play along and tell us... what would YOU rather and then explain maybe WHY you chose that answer?

1. Would you rather have multiple short-term relationships with a bit of variety or one really long relationship being in love and the risk of getting hurt at the end?

2. Would you rather have a great beginning in a relationship or a great ending?
Here is a question I'd like you to actually answer in comments with more than one answer:

3. Having all the knowledge you have now would you rather start a relationship with a virgin or someone experienced and why?

Okay, have fun in comments!!!  Feel free to comment to others commenting!



Friday, October 15, 2010

Meet The Blogger, Nolens Volens


Name: Nolens Volens - you can call me...NV
Age: Very well
Kids #, age & sex: 2, 8 & 3, boys will be shot for going near them
Marital status: Legally bound in vow, drats!

1. How many years in your current relationship: 12 years

2. Have you ever been divorced?: Who wants to divorce me?!?
***If so how many times?:
3. What do you do for work: I show people how to understand their stuff better and make them feel better about their stuff. Clear?

4. Education: Yes, I learned very well

5. Blogs you contribute to: I actually contribute to Real World, but I am listed as author and/or admin for 6 other blogs (not all are shown in my profile for reasons)
Not Safe For Work

6. Religion: Atheist

7. Political affiliation- (republican, democrat, libertarian): I am NOT running for a position! Well, I am a Democrat.

8. Basic philosophical leanings (liberal, conservative, confused): Liberal - live like you are not going to see tomorrow

9. What is your motto in life?: Life is REALLY short! Carpe noctum!

10. Who has had the most influence in your life?: My mother

11. Why did you start Blogging? (100 words or less):I had been blogging on MySpace every week for two years and didn't like how I was "restricted". I wanted to explore the sexual self of me. A friend turned me onto Blogger.
*What is the most favorite post you have written on any blog you contribute to?:
Oh, hmm. I am ashamed to say that would be my own blog. I've enjoyed my journey in there.
12. Tell us in 100 words about your current relationship: My wife and I love how we tell each other everything. Even about other people and what we think of them, sexually.

13. BONUS or OPTIONAL: Tell us something we need to know about you that we haven't covered above. 50 words or less: I love hearing from bloggers who have a cybercrush on me. You never know...I may have one on you too. :)

Say hello to NV!

(Just a friendly reminder. NV is a more OPEN-or non-vanilla-definitely NOT a Mommy Daddy blog... blogger, so his website is NSFW or Not Safe For Work)

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Breaking UP or Breaking Through

Have you found yourself in a relationship where the frustration level and the number of times you butt
heads with each other seems to increase by the second?

You say blue, she says red, and the fights just seem to be going in circles.

If the answer is yes, then some say you may be at what they call "the break UP point."

But I wonder, is it break UP, or break through?

Maybe you're at the place where you're finding out things about each other that you need to fix.

Maybe it's an opportunity. A critical one, but an opportunity nonetheless.

Let's say the honeymoon's over, and you start that constant UPhill drive to build a relationship. If you
start bumping heads, instead of uglies, then it might be time for a "re-group", or chat, if you will. The
first few months and even years of a realtionship are the most critical time to build that relationship. If
you stop doing the little things that make the day nice; good bye kisses, notes, texts now that we're in the
modern era, and frisky, friendly, flirting, then you're at a break UP point. It's time to be really honest with
each other and compromise, work things out. Break through, not break UP.

"My wife/husband doesn't understand me." Isn't just a line from some jerk in a bar. It might be the
truth. People come from different backgrounds, and no two homes are exactly alike. Heck, the five
children in my family could not be more different, but were raised by the same two people, and for most
of our lives, in the same house. So, blending two people into one family takes work. Understanding each
other isn't easy, and it's a constant task. People change, times change, ideas change, goals change. Make
sure you talk about the changes you are going through, and make sure you include your partner in them.
Don't break UP, break through.

If you start to punish each other, things are getting serious. I'm not talking about a little mutual friendly
S&M kids, I'm talking about passive agressive behavior. You know, "he left his clothes on the floor, so I
just won't put them in the load of laundry I'm doing even though there's room." Or "She never puts the
cap back on the toothpaste, so I'll just leave the seat UP!"

Stop it!

It's silly, and it's dangerous. Resentment can build, feelings get hurt, the game escalates, and then all hell
breaks loose!

Use it as a break through point, not a break UP point.

Have you stopped "fighting" or "arguing"? Well, that's a danger sign. Walking out of the room gets
nothing done. And even though you can't unsay things you've said, sometimes you have to say them.
(This is not permission to be a jerk, think before you speak!)

Fighting isn't a bad thing. It clears the air. I'm not saying you should start throwing pots and pans, and
no one needs a baseball bat, but talk about it. Yell if you have to. When you stop fighting at all, you've
stopped fighting for the relationship, and you've reached a break UP point. Use it as a break through.

Have you actually thought about leaving? Well, then you're at a break UP point. You need to regroup,
take a few days and think it out. Some therapists recommend leaving for a few days or a week at this
point. I'm not so sure. Maybe a weekend with the girls (if you're the girl), or a fishing trip, or camping
will do some good. But don't say, "we need some time apart". That may just be what your partner wants
to hear, and it may not be the real solution. Stick it out, but take some time. Go visit some friends or
family, or go see the Biltmore House, but spend some serious windshield time thinking just how your life

would be if you walked. You may envision something that isn't possible, and hopefully you'll realize that
you're where you need and WANT to be. Make it a break through.

Once you've thought about it, and worked it out. It's time to take a stand. A stand for the relationship
or a stand to walk away. Go back, talk, make decisions. Life is way too short to be miserable. Both of
you need to try, and both of you need to work at it. Evenly, and willingly. If you don't try, it's a break UP point. If you do, you might just break through.

UP- who also guest posted for us HERE.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Mom and Dad Like You Best!

How many of you have grown up thinking that.  Or, are YOU a parent and do YOU have a favorite?
I have raised five children.  People ask me all the time, "who is your favorite"?  "What" I reply,  "parents don't have favorites.  A parents love is all encompassing and equal."

After I had my first child and found myself pregnant with my second, I'd ask myself, how is it possible to love another child as much as this one.  We all find out love isn't like a piece of pie where you cut it up into slices, where each child gets a part.

Love is like an Ice Cream Sundae.  You just keep adding wonderful toppings till it (your family) becomes a masterpiece.

My children tell me - part teasing, and part reality in THEIR minds- that I have a favorite.  Oh, he's your favorite they say to me. I stand with my fist in the air proclaiming, I have NO favorites.  You are all loved equally.

I, myself, believe that.  However, I will admit each child has brought to my life a DIFFERENT topping for my sundae.

One, an amazing sense of humor.
One, a sense of adventure.
One, (my only daughter) .....a female bond, a strength,  daughters are different.
One a sense of peace.
One, a sense of spirituality.
(that's five right?)

See, different toppings. NOT BETTER.  The love is not different, it has been enriched with THEIR own individuality.

The oldest child accuses the last child of getting it all. He says the youngest has been provided with a silver spoon in his mouth and a gold brick up his butt.  Well sadly he might be accurate to a certain degree.  When a parent has their first child, you are still getting established in life, with your job/career.  You are still learning how this parenting thing works.  By the time a fifth comes along, you generally DO have more money, more resources, and the last is generally the reciprient of that.  The last is LUCKY is all, not loved more.

I am the oldest in my family. One brother and one sister.  I went through a period of feeling a little less loved and appreciated.   I have been a more challenging child than my siblings.  Their list of accomplishments are long. Mine less noteworthy.  But I know, by dang, I am loved.  I may not be the cherry on top of that sundae.  Doesn't matter. I was the nut and some people love nuts. They didn't love me less just because I'd give them an adverse reaction to the nut sometimes.

It's all about building that sundae.  Enjoying each dimension of it, savoring every flavor and texture.

So here's the questioning.  Do you have a favorite..really?  Did you think your parents played favorites?