Relationships during the Holidays-Guest POST? Help me out?

Doesn't it seem like relationships are either stronger or weaker during the holidays?  Like this time between Thanksgiving and New Year's is a pivotal time for couples.  Is it the onset of depression that comes with Winter for some?  Is it finances?  Is it family pressure or the pressure of having to see family?  Or could it be the feeling of giving that gives some a feel good euphoria?  The anticipation of something new?  The weather forcing those inside to spend more time together, therefore, strengthening relationships that needed that quality time? (Of course, that could work the opposite way also).

It's time for you to volunteer your excellent voices to the Real World blog once again!

I want your stories.  I want to know what memory or event turned your world upside down.  What thing happened that either weakened or strengthened your relationship during this season between Thanksgiving and New Year's?  How did it?  Did it affect just your relationship and/or every relationship around you?  How did it change you?  How did it change the person you had/have the relationship with?

Your first love?
Death?
Friend in need?
Family in need?
Newborn?
Financial burden?
Financial blessings?
Runaway?
Depression?
Joy?
Old love renewed?
Love given up?
Falling out of love?
Worst fight ever?
Best make up ever?

Those are just off the top of my head.  But I would like you to share your story with us here at the Real World.  Share with us what you went through, can we learn from it?

I also have a few LETTERS that have been written that I will post in between your stories (if you don't know about the LETTERS posts please click HERE to find out)-along with Group Therapy-and What Would You Rather.  So VOLUNTEER and GUEST POST over here!  We, I, would love the help and would love to hear about YOU!  You can do it linked back to you or Anonymous like always.

So comment here and let me know what you want to write about and I'll schedule you... or email me at blokthoughts@gmail.com, SUBJECT: Story.

Love you all!

Shelle

To our Friend Wendy...

"The deep pain that is felt at the death of every friendly soul arises from the feeling that there is in every individual something which is inexpressible, peculiar to him alone, and is, therefore, absolutely and irretrievably lost." ~Arthur Schopenhauer

"While we are mourning the loss of our friend, others are rejoicing to meet him behind the veil." ~John Taylor


A writer here on Real World, a commenter who has always lit up the comment box, and someone I consider a dear friend through blogging has just had her world turned upside down. She is going through something NO parent should ever have to endure, the death of a child.

Please go and visit her blog and give her your kind words if you feel so moved...

NO BOTOX AllOWED


Wendy, we love you and our prayers, thoughts, and good feelings are directed your way for you and your family, in a time where comforted is needed, I want you to know we are thinking of you guys.

Love Shelle

Do You Have a Letter to Write?

As more and more anonymous are coming forward to write out their feelings as some form of therapy I have decided to start something new.

On my personal blog I use to write letters to people I wanted to either vent to or just say something to them that I hadn't said or couldn't say, but wanted to.

I want to do that here.  I am going to open a new series called "Dear You..."

Basically what I am asking of you, my readers, is if there is someone you would like to say something to but either can't on your own blog or can't in real life I'd like you to do it here, in letter form. You can attach your real name and blog to it or you can sign the letter anonymous or a fake name that goes along with the letter.  Like if I was single and wanted to write about the hook up I had on Friday and how terrible it was I would sign the letter, "Another victim of yours left unsatisfied".

Write to your ex and say everything you've needed to say but haven't or couldn't, tell your significant other why you are so in love with them, ask unanswered questions to a neglectful parent, express your thanks to a secret best friend... whatever it is, the only qualification is you have to have a "relationship" with this person.

Let this blog be your out.  Let those of us who read learn from you and your life experience.  That is what I want this blog to continue to be. So make the letters funny, sad, frustrated, heartfelt, happy, or angry... whatever you need to get it out.

 I know I have been slacking a bit lately.  I'm completely swamped with work and unfortunately my blogs get put on a back burner.

I want to publicly thank those of you who have just sent in posts for me to publish, they have been incredible and perfect.

Now get to writing those letters.  Just email me @ blokthoughts@gmail.com SUBJECT: Letters.

Love,

Shelle

Group Therapy: Love him enough to let him go

Group Therapy: We have another group therapy this week. This just came in, please give your advice and help or whatever you have to say in comments.

"I am such an idiot. I set myself up; there's no one but myself to blame. It's my fault I fell headlong into impossible love with another woman's husband. I didn't ask for it. I didn't want to. I certainly didn't plan to. He didn't either. People don't plan these things, or even seek them out.


People seek out affairs, they seek out quick fucks and meaningless momentary escapes from their lives, but I am convinced they do not set out to fall in love with someone else's spouse. This road can lead to nowhere but pain.


At first, with the newness of falling in love, the attention he lavished on me, and the myriad ways he was so different from the monster I married I convinced myself the flight would be worth the fall. I thought I could handle the pain, even welcomed it because even though I'd have to face it eventually, it would mean I'd lived. It would mean I'd rolled the dice and won, just for awhile. I embraced the pain I knew would come because I convinced myself that I could handle it. I could control how much loved him.


Oh, how very wrong I was.


I am in the pain now. I am in a world of hurt I didn't realize existed. I have never been loved by a man before. I was never loved by my husband or any of the men I dated before him. They loved my body, my looks, or my money, but never me. This man, this other woman's husband saw me. And he loved me. He loved me in spite of my flaws and my impossible situation. He loved me before he knew I was rich. He loved me before he knew of my connections or what I could offer him. He loved me.


I know what you're thinking. I know that everyone looks at adultery and shakes their heads. When the adulteress says, "it's different" eyes roll and tongues cluck in disbelief and even some disgust. That's okay. I understand that; I've done that. But this was different, ridiculous as I know it sounds.


I knew from the onset that he would not leave his wife. I don't think I loved myself enough to allow that to be a deal breaker but I know I loved him enough to understand his reason - his children - and to support his decision because I love him enough to want what's best for him. And his babies are his whole world. He is as addicted to his children as I am to mine and I don't know if he could stand the thought of being apart from them if he left his wife. He's not a part time kind of daddy.


And, naively, a small part of me I didn't even acknowledge existed thought that maybe someday, when they were grown or at least older, things would be different. Regardless, I loved him even though I wasn't enough. I loved him (at least in part) because I wasn't enough, I think. I would have thought less of him if he'd have put me before his children. I would never want him to do that and so I accepted the situation as it was.


His wife found out today. Honestly, at this point I don't know how much she knows. The phone call was brief, to the point, and so very very devastating. "It's me, baby. Things are very bad here. She knows. I'll call you when I can. I love you. I'm so sorry."


And my world has crumbled. There is an iron fist wrapped around my heart and who can I even tell? It's such a shameful, dirty secret I cannot even have the luxury of hurting over it.


There is one person in my life who knows my secret. I told this person today that his wife found out and the response I got was, "Well you should be glad! He'll get divorced now for sure!" I am many, many things, but glad is not one of them. I love him enough that I want him spared of all pain, even if sparing him means taking it on myself. No, I'm not happy he may be getting a divorce. I'm devastated for him because I know that if it happens and he is separated from his children, an essential part of him will be changed forever. I would rather never see him again than see him destroyed.


I learned a very hard lesson today. Love does not conquer all. Just because we're in love does not mean we can be together. I do not embrace this pain anymore. I'm not so sure anymore that it's worth it. My heart is broken, partly for what I am sure is the loss of this man who, despite his flaws and despite what you must think about his character considering he claims to love me but stays married to another woman, truly did love me very well, but mostly for him and what he now faces.. And I have to love him enough, now, to let him go."

Anonymous

Advice for the men

Shelle Edit: Okay well Ken is not a new blogger here to this blog, but this is his FIRST time posting here and he has decided to grace us with his wisdom. Have fun and check his blog out when you get a chance!

OK Guys…listen up . I am speaking to you guy-to-guy here. Look I am a single guy who has been on the prowl for a while. I have been taking my time, watching, listening, paying attention. I have even been schooled by the fairer sex on things I wouldn't even have known to look for before. I have been talking to your wives, your girlfriends, your sisters, hopefully none of your daughters, and for some of you even your moms.

Look I am not trying to brag, but I do have a gift. I have developed a keen sense of listening. No..NOT hearing..that is involuntary! I am talking about the art of true listening. To be honest sometimes women treat me like I am their gay friend and I really don't mind. Total strangers will pour their secrets out to me, and I am not even sure why. All though I suspect part of it is I can quickly make someone very comfortable about talking to me. The thing is I have been listening and learning. I want to share what I have learned to help some of you guys out here, because almost unanimously women tell me most guys are clueless.

Now lest you think I am some sort of "Ladies Man" ( I hate that term) or Don Juan ( hate that term even more) I am not. In fact, that's why a lot of women are so comfortable with me. I really don't come across as having an agenda. I am not looking to see how many of these women's panties I can get inside. It's totally not my style. Although if I really wanted it to be my goal to get horizontal with as many of them I could…easily…why? Well that is what I am about to tell you. Understanding these things has lined me up with more potential action than I could ever handle. I have never really needed a dating site or a personal ad because I understand these things. Women contact me out of the blue all the time. All…. the….. time. I am not bragging it's just a fact.

So whether you want to step up your game, or just make your current relationship better here are few things you may or may not already know. Live 'em , learn 'em…LOVE THEM.

1) She wants you to listen to her….not just hear her, or even worse endure her. Do you know the difference? If the answer is no then keep in mind women DO know the difference, and it is very important to them. In fact for many women having a guy actually listen to them and be genuinely interested is like foreplay. They will tell you it is a total turn-on.

2) You are NOT all that and a bag of chips. I don't care if you have won the Superbowl or are the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. Yes, women love confidence, and its true power can be intoxicating, but in reality I think most women will tell you self-indulgent smarminess is a total turn-off. It's the core of who you are that is important not the picture you paint of all that you THINK you are. While we are at what the hell is up with fat guys who say rude things about their wives/girlfriend's weight? That shit just pisses me off. I am always looking at these guys and thinking WTF are you serious?? Have you looked in a mirror? You guys are the exception…YOU ARE all that and a bag of chips. In fact, you are every bag of chips you have ever eaten!

3) A nice set of six pack abs and some decent biceps doesn't hurt, but in case you don't have them ( most of us don't) then you need to work with what you've got. It amazes me with the current imagery of what the perfect male is these days that men don't have just as many eating disorders as women. Still if you don't have the most perfect body you can work with what you have. I am not saying you can avoid exercising you lazy couch potato bastard! No.. I am not saying that at all in fact get your lazy ass up right now and give me 25 for thinking it (said in my best R. Lee Ermey voice)!!

What I am saying here is women want a guy that thinks enough of himself to take care of himself regardless of what he has going for him physically. I am not even saying the latest fashions are necessary because jeans and a t-shirt will do just fine depending how you carry yourself. Try not to slouch, sit like like a slob, pick, and/or scratch all the time. Ok..get it??? If this doesn't make sense go see your mom about personal grooming.

4) Being able to show emotion is a sign of strength not weakness. If I had a dime for every woman who has told me she is with an emotionless soulless pit. I'd have a dime..ok just kidding…I'd have at least like $1.60. A lot of women tell me that their man is capable of only two emotions basically anger and elation (usually associated with a Sports victory of some kind) who suddenly expects to hop right to the sack at the drop of a dime. Guys ..really…some women would rather have sex with a dry vagina. I am generalizing, but if I am being honest most women need some kind of emotion/attention/shutthef*ckupandlistenforaminute first before givin' you a trip to pleasure town.

Whether it is love , laughter, or sincere appreciation of beauty that shit is like important to their stimulation (that tingling feeling between their thighs). Now you have to be careful here not to over do it. Women who like men (notice the qualifier here) dig the masculine for a reason. They want a guy who is strong and confident, and and takes the lead now and then. If you are too emotional …like totally limp wristed emotional.. you know like crying all the time…well it becomes drama and is totally draining. Women don't do draining very well. In fact, men don't either. Don't be this guy

5) All women have a bad girl side. Do you hear me? They all have it…They ALL want something down and dirty sometimes. The question is not whether it is there, but how to get it out of them. Number one rule. They have to feel comfortable with you. You make them feel awkward about their body, their emotions, their closeness to you and all bets are off. Part of that feeling close to you is knowing you respect them, and yes it does have emotional quotient to it. Look..I get it... having fun, casual sex isn't bad. I know some here will tell you all the quasi religious and moral reasons its bad. I am not here to argue that subject (yet), because I do believe, and know that on some level the sex you have with someone you are totally in love with and feel comfortable with is off the friggin' wall compared to any casual encounter. You think that wife of yours that you have been married to all these years can't possibly have a dirty freak side. I am telling you that you are wrong. You just got to know how to bring it out of her. Oh and for the record just sitting her down in front of the computer with porn and saying "here watch this" doesn't work.

Coming home from work, acknowledging her day, helping with the kids, talking to her sweetly..well that does work. Now you find the real dirty side of someone you are in love in with, and all I can say is two things. Plan on being up all night…and plan on having a pitcher of water in the room somewhere you are going to want to stay hydrated!

6) Validated - I know its a psychobabble word in and of itself, but the concept is a real one. It has to do with those good old emotions again (are you seeing a pattern yet?). Now it is a stereotype to say that all women are over emotional pools of neediness.Look… guys.. it is tremendously short sighted for you to not recognize that women do internalize and handle emotions different than men. There is certainly a genetic component to this, and it may be very well born out of the role that most women have to be nurturers. NOW PAY ATTENTION:These emotions are very real and they need to be addressed. If you blow them off, ignore them, or indicate in any way you find them stupid or trivial, well you are just asking to get junk punched. Not to mention you will spend the rest of the evening asking "What's Wrong?" which is like the sex "kiss of death". If you had paid attention in the first place numb nuts..YOU would KNOW what is wrong and you would probably be fixing it right now with more sex.

7) I thought about leaving this out, but I think many women might not forgive me if I do. Learn how to give gifts. You stupid idiot...giving an ironing board as a gift is going to get you throat stabbed!! Here is a training video on what NOT to do

Seriously, a lot of women complain that that guys stop remembering birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine's day etc. It's not even that you didn't give them big luxury gifts or wonderful vacations (although its always nice). The thing that irks women to no end is you stopped being thoughtful. The small heartfelt gifts are the ones that they remember the most. It's not that you spent a fortune it's that you took the time to really think about who they are, and what they would appreciate that counts. Remember you get bonus points for just doing something out of the blue without an occasion or obligation being tied to it.

8) Last but certainly not least. If they took time to get all dolled up for you..tell them how stunning and sexy they look. If they did something nice for you let them know how much you appreciate them. If they smell nice let them know, and give them a kiss on the neck. If you think about them often..let them know. I know women have eyes in their back of their head ( at least my Mom did). That being said they are not mind readers..lie detectors yes…mind readers no. They need to hear it..not just that you thought it waaaaay after the fact…

Finally, If you love them..tell them…tell them every single day.

OK that's it for now. That's all I got. if you got more feel free to add them. If you think I am wrong feel free to let me know. I know for some this will seem like a How-to manual to get past women's emotions and get laid, but that is not it it all. It is more complicated than that, but really most guys DO want to know how to get past a women's emotions and get laid. There is nothing wrong with that. It's in our nature. The problem in attempting this is if a guy is insincere about what he is saying, or his agenda is all lit up like a fucking Christmas tree.He and by he I mean you are going to fail, and fail miserably! What I am doing here is trying to help guys understand what they might not be aware of. Oh..by the way... If you are woman reading this you have to know that kind of understanding is apparently rare. Rare like a f*cking unicorn or the McRib.

Gotta say for the record though…based on my research. I thinkwhat I have to say is pretty spot on.

Ken

Group Therapy: How important are blogger's in your life?

Just received this in an email... thought I'd pass it along:

"I have a question I need help with.  I know you talk about relationships usually concerning marriage or dating couples.  But my question is about relationships with other bloggers.  How much does a blogger's relationship with those they get to know online blogging affect their real life?  Should it?  How much relevance do most blogger's put on a relationship with people they formed through reading their blogs, emails, chats? 

I'm not really a blogger myself but I've become curious about this question as I continue to figure out what this blogging thing is all about. In fact, this will be my very first contribution to ANY blog."

Okay post in comments your advice or opinion on what this person has to say.  Twitter or Facebook this post if you know someone who can help this person out with their questions!

***We would love to hear from you guys! If you have something you want discussed in Group Therapy email me at blokthoughts @ gmail dot com-- Subject: Group Therapy.

Comment, follow comments, come back and discuss others comments, and feel free to comment anonymously!

What Would You Rather Episode 13

What Would You Rather--Warning GROSS questions taken from THIS site!  The idea is to choose ONE answer. This is just a game so yes the questions are a bit out there and unrealistic. The hard part is in the choosing. So play along and tell us... what would YOU rather and then explain maybe WHY you chose that answer?

1) Be trapped in an elevator with wet dogs or with three fat men with bad breath?

2) Immerse your naked body in a bathtub of cockroaches or dive naked head first into a pool of tobacco spit?

3) Have a fat, nasty but or floppy jowls?

4) Your Significant other has done something terrible but has since stopped and will never do it again:  Would you rather them NOT tell you and you live in blissful ignorance never knowing what they did and living a relatively happy life OR have them tell you what they did, everything open and out on the table you are completely broken hearted but stay with them until death do you part or forever, but you always distrust them and question them.