Monday, November 30, 2009

Me Tarzan!

On behalf of Team Mars, I have a confession to make . . .

Men are babies.

We put on a good show most of the time. We puff out our chests and beat them like Tarzan, swinging on our ropes from tree to tree. We bear our teeth in the face of danger and roar all macho-like when we emerge victorious against some treacherous and snarling adversary.

Then we head back to the tree house and snuggle with Jane.

It's been over twenty years that my wife and I have been together, and it never fails to amaze me that she's still there waiting for me when I swing back around. Not just waiting, but also willing to engage. To ask me how things are going in my neck of the jungle. And to provide, in the midst of my constantly-turbulent surroundings, a setting that is familiar, stable, and welcoming.

She makes my life easier in some profound ways . . .

1) She remembers the cream. It's a subliminal thing, for I never put it on the list. She just seems to know when I'm running low on my International Delight Fat Free French Vanilla Coffee Creamer. It finds its way into her shopping cart, rides along in the back of the van, and there it is in the refrigerator door when I need it. And I need it, people. Coffee sucks without it . . .

2) She does my laundry. Back in college, she let me do it. And it all went in one load: dirty socks and underwear; jeans and sweat pants so filthy they could stand up on their own (or so my mom used to claim, though I've never actually witnessed such a thing); that itchy purple sweater I got from some well-meaning relative upon completing four years of high school; and my tennis shoes with Minnesota topsoil ground into the grooves. People knew when I washed clothes. Somewhere along the line, she recognized my ineptitude and took over. Now, my loincloth smells like a mountain breeze . . .

3) She is predictable. By and large, she's Grey's Anatomy, WWII historical fiction, anything smothered in barbecue sauce, Pepsi, and chocolate. Never dark. She does surprise me occasionally. Linger on something curious and new that causes a lifting of the eyebrows and a "Hmm. Really?" But after all these years, I find these to be only slight variations on familiar themes. I rest easier at night knowing that curve balls will be few and far between.

4) She doesn't nag. She could. Some say she should. And sometimes I wish she would. But for the most part, she lets me be me. When the decisions aren't of the monumental sort, she lets me swing away. Occasionally, she'll offer a simple "Is that really what you want to do?" And after all my muttering and justifying, she'll let me take my cut and deal with the consequences. The best part? If I go down swinging, she doesn't lay on the "I told you so!" Instead, she holds my hand and reminds me that I am more than the sum of my poor performances.

5) She listens. Regardless of the topic - and trust me, it can run the gamut from petty to poignant - she lends an attentive ear. She lets me reason things through by talking them out and providing her perspective for consideration. We don't always agree, but we come out with a stronger understanding of both the depths and the varieties of our unique points of view. In a world that seldom takes the time to hear and consider what I have to say, she is my faithful sounding board, my harshest critic, and my most passionate companion.

Yep. I'm a baby. But I'm man enough to admit it. And more than willing to confess that I'd be lost without my spouse. I'd be an unheard, beaten down, constantly confused dude sporting dirty knickers and drinking crappy coffee. And that would just be gross . . .

So let's hear it, Team Mars! How does your spouse keep your corner of the jungle running smoothly? And Team Venus? We love you. We'd suck without you. We thank you . . .

Brian (who blogs here)

Friday, November 27, 2009

Black Friday for you?

Did you get up Early for Black Friday???

See ya next week and back to our regularly scheduled posts! :)

Hope you had a good holiday or break! Have a relaxing weekend! :)

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Things you can say on Thanksgiving...

Naughty Things You Can Only Say On Thanksgiving......

1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. That's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!!!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!

If that isn't funny I don't know WHAT is! :) hehehe

Can anybody else add to this list?

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Turkey's lay eggs :)

Happy Thanksgiving EVE for fellow Americans!

For the rest of the week we will just have Jokes or Thanksgiving stories! Hope you enjoy!


Last year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Any good pranks you guys have done on Thanksgiving???

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Splitting the Holidays-Venus' View

Before a woman gets engaged or married she often fantasizes about her future with her beloved. She may dream about the wedding day, the honeymoon, the birth of their children, and then being very old and walking through the park holding hands with her beloved.

I am willing to bet that none of us fantasized about sitting at the kitchen table going, "No honey, its fine if we spend ANOTHER Thanksgiving with your mother."

Thanksgiving is really the big social holiday on the calendar. The original inception of Thanksgiving was as a big dinner party, as opposed to Christmas, which has really been a smaller gathering since its inception over 2000 years ago.

Hubman and I have never really bickered about where to spend the holidays. When we were first married I worked retail, so the fact I had to be at work the day before and after Thanksgiving and the day before and after Christmas dictated that we would spend the holidays with his parents as they lived about 2 1/2 hours away, as opposed to my parents, who lived five hours away.

Once the kids became old enough to appreciate Santa, we determined that Thanksgiving would be our flexible holiday, while we stayed home on Christmas. We are also lucky that our families get along well and truly enjoy each other's company.

However, I often hear horror stories involving hurt feelings, fights or people going to five houses in one day in order to satisfy everyone, when in truth all you get is exhaustion with wired, sugared up, mildly nauseated children.

I find that the modern family in all of its permutations makes the holiday's even more difficult. With divorces and remarriages and the accompanying siblings and step and half siblings, it is not uncommon to have a minimum of four different family members to spend each holiday with. This is the case for us as well. Thankfully Hubman's Dad's girlfriend hates hosting, and I do not speak to my father, or we would be negotiating four or five locations instead of two or three.

Hubman and I are fortunate to not live right near our relatives since this keeps us from getting sucked into the holiday madness.

I think the smartest thing to do is sit down with everyone involved and schedule the holidays. Put everyone on a rotation and stick with it. Or decide that you will travel for Thanksgiving, and host people for Christmas Eve, but Christmas Day is a home day for all involved. If you have parents that had a nasty divorce invite one parent for one holiday with the in-laws and the other parents with the other in-laws the next year.

Without even dealing with logistics and hurt feelings of the relatives there is also navigating the preference of each member of the family. From stuffing choices, to pie selection to obnoxious Uncle Fred and his farting and annoying politics, the Thanksgiving holiday can be fraught with annoyances for everyone.

For the third year in a row, we are traveling to New York to spend Thanksgiving with my mom's family. (Hubman's mom is a 10 hour drive, so we are not going there-literally) While Hubman loves my mom and stepdad, Thanksgiving is a bit much for him, as he deals with the primary stress of the drive down. Another stressor is that my mom crams close to 30 large and loud people into a space meant for about 15. Combine those issues with the fact that my sister does not seem to discipline her kids and no one can remember exactly what Hubman does for a living, Thanksgiving can be a bit of a trial for him.

However, he knows how much I miss my mom, and how I crave the occasional loud family gathering with way, way too much food and he humors me because he loves me so much.

Personally, what I find more challenging than dealing with the logistics of where to spend the holidays is trying to pace the Christmas shopping so each parent feels that they are being treated equally, especially in the matter of gifts from the Grandchildren. But that is another post for another day.

So what is your experience with the Holiday's? Are you on a simple schedule or is it a time of year fraught with hurt feelings and stress? What is the one thing about your holiday plans or traditions that you would change.
Big thanks to Shelle from Blok Thoughts for letting me join the group. Some of you might recognize me as Veronica, wife of Hubman, from Hubman's Hangout. In the interest of full disclosure, Hubman has a rather naughty blog. On my blog, Another Suburban Mom I can guarantee naughtiness on Thursday since I regularly participate in Half Nekkid Thursday, and on the 15th of the month when I write erotica. However, with the exception of Friday's which is when I post recipes, I cannot promise that I might not be naughty on a random Tuesday or Monday. So enter at your own risk.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Splitting the Holiday

Got lots o' Turkey on Tap— want some…

For the past few years, my wife and I have been hosting two Thanksgivings— one on Sunday for the kids, and one on the day for family and other friends. One would think that because we host two Thanksgiving dinners, we would be stretched thin— but we seem to have this down to a science.

My wife and her family are pretty used to sharing the holidays. After their divorce, the children typically switched between their father and mother's houses for each of the major holidays— Thanksgiving at one, then Christmas at the other. This persisted for many years even after I met my wife. After we got married and the children moved out of the house we started to host two Thanksgivings and held a Christmas brunch for everybody.

I think that one quality that my wife and I both share is we are very accommodating. We try to consider everybody— especially my wife's children and their families. Unfortunately, something has to give and that something is my parents. We do try making it up to them by having them on Thanksgiving day rather than the Sunday before. Besides, the immediate family is getting larger and we only have so much room at the table.

We like to get two turkeys, but not at the same time. Note to self… do not order a fresh turkey to be delivered on Sunday. Two years ago I was outside the butcher's (cell phone in hand) trying to get a hold of the butcher who wasn't there on a Sunday to pick up the Turkey for that day. We scrambled and got a turkey from the grocery store for that Sunday's dinner instead.

Considering that we like to go to church on Sunday one would think this would put a dent into the amount of time spent prepping for dinner. Fortunately, we now have help in the form of our Grandson who likes to peel potatoes, arrange the crudité platter, and set the table…

My grandson peeling potatoes

Depending on when guests arrive we either put the turkey in the oven before we go to church, or immediately after we get back. Call my wife Martha if you like, but she always tries to have some sort of theme when we give a meal— and last year was no exception. We got some wood trivets from our Rummage Sale and incorporated them along with our many squirrels into a "Fall and Squirrel Theme".

Sunday's Spread (Fall and Squirrel Theme)

I know my wife and I both love to entertain— so we don't like things to be too similar especially for a similar event. On Thursday, because we wanted to be different— as well as use the China my wife inherited from her mother, we set the table differently. We tried to be more formal, but still wanted a fall feel. Last year we got extra help from our nephew who stayed overnight to help make two pies, stuff the bird, peel the potatoes, cut and arrange the crudité platter, and help set the table.

Thursday's Spread

This year we told our children to contribute with a dish for the Sunday meal so that we do not have to do everything ourselves. We still make the turkey, but this will allow the children to get in on the fun. Perhaps the day will come when my wife and I will be asked to attend one of the children's Thanksgivings— but that day hasn't happened yet. Our Thanksgiving day will be mixed it up a bit because my Brother In Law and his son are both vegetarians so perhaps we'll make the rolls in the shape of turkeys— but we will still make a turkey breast for the carnivores in the group. Now… time to get working on those leftovers.

What about you… do you split the holidays between family? Are you the one who does all the preparations, or is that left to one of your parent's homes? Do you ever find yourself attending more than one Thanksgiving meal, or is there one giant meal for everybody?


Friday, November 20, 2009

My Insane Sanity - Traveling Spouse

I or My partner travels all.the.time.
It is hard/good on our relationship because...

Hi, My name is Jules and my husband is gone all the time.

(say it with me) "hi, Jules".

Let me start by saying that my spouse is rarely further than 30-45 minutes from our house while he is traveling, and most nights he is home. That said. He i
s rarely home from the end of February until the end of November. I spend those months acting more like a single parent then not.

Now again - let me step back - as I know my hubby will be reading this too. Let me state, he is gone because he is working. He is not out with the guys. He is not 'doing his own thing, he is working. (well except in November for hunting season) He works a full time job (teaching) and then goes from work to do more work. He is busy running our business selling/ installing / removing/ repairing docks and boat lifts. He works therefore he is gone.

Alright - all bases covered? - moving on.

The question is - is it hard or good on our relationship.


(yes, I am delaying here. Stalling if you will)

insert pic from here
more stall time.

What to say? It is hard on our relationship in ways. But it is necessary. It is a lot less trying on our relationship then not being able to pay our bills would be. It is less difficult then issues other couples face in their relationships.
But, it is hard none the less, and although I like my space, and hate to feel like my every move is being watched and analyzed, there is a limit to the amount of time I want to be alone.

::The hardest part of it for my husband (I believe) is that when he is home he can not relax. The little bit of time he is here he notices what is not getting done around the house that needs doing. Like now - winterizing the summer equipment and getting the winter stuff out and ready is a task being neglected. So there is no down time. If there is down time it is done with frustration - frustration in wanting to just relax, yet not fully relaxing because all the stuff that needs to be done is on his mind. This makes it hard for him to be home.

::For me the hardest part is - well - being alone all the time. It is hard being the parent around, when
the other isn't. A lot of our parenting decisions have to be made with him on the phone - when I can reach him. (That is the other part. I can't reach him most of the day because he is in class. At night he doesn't have his phone on him because he is in a lake) The 1/2 hour we see him in the morning and the hour I see him at night ends up being a debriefing and briefing of the day and next day. Not much quality time in that.

::Then there is another problem. When he is finally around - say for a weekend or even a night. Or now, as the dock season is finishing and hunting is ending. I find his presence larger then it really is. He doesn't quite fit in the groove of what we are doing. He is unsure of the situation and what has been discussed before. He is unclear on why I lost it at that li
ttle issue, because he doesn't know it is a part of a whole big issue we have been dealing with. He has no idea what goes into getting them ready for school the next day or out the door in the morning. When he first starts being in the house more I find myself jumping when he walks around the corner - or that he is in the way in the kitchen. There is an adjustment period. A period where I am maybe even a little cold toward him. I try not to be (honey, I am sorry for this part of the process).

::Yet, it all goes back to money. I am blessed to be able to stay home with our children. He works and then works some more and then takes on another summer job (at a juvenile detention center as a teacher) so I can do this, for me, for our kids. (were those commas misplace?) So, when we get our $1112 house insurance bill or our $950 house tax bill in the mail it does not send us into a tizzy. When these
bills land in the mailbox at the same time as the tabs and insurance for the vehicles it does not send us begging to our parents - it comes out of the business account. When we can't take it anymore and we have to get out of dodge for a vacation we can. We use the extra cash from installing docks and we drive for a week or so. It affords us our cell phones and our internet. It pays the extras that we can't afford otherwise, and some of the necessities. So, while work = him being gone, it also = us being able to live.

::I used to cry when he would be gone a long time or when he was leaving. I would throw a fit at the fact that I was home sla
ving away and he was off driving around from lake to lake or at work chatting with adults and so forth. But, I came to realize that we both are sacrificing for our family - that is what parent's do. That is what we do. That is how it works around here. Now I walk him to his truck, kiss him, tell him I love him, and that I appreciate what he is doing for our family, and try to send him away on a good note. Because I have come to realize that he is making the ultimate sacrifice for us - his family. He is not having fun being away, he is not enjoying himself. He is working.

::However, if and when he retires he may die an early death at my hands ....
after all I have gotten used to him being gone (
Start thinking of a hobby now dear). It has become part of my insane sanity now ;)

You can read more of Jules' wit, wisdom, and incoherent babble here:
Just Jules

p.s. I just read Sage's perspective after my final proof read.
I want to state I wrote this whole post before reading his.
I say that because they echo each other a lot.
Scary.... be very very scared... I am

(p.s.s. I am not Sage's wife in disguise - promise - I can't be because I don't know how to talk Redneck, I have never eaten anything 'collard', I have never traveled further South than Iowa, I don't like biscuits nor do I know how to make them, I have all my teeth, and none of my relatives are married to each other.)

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Group Therapy-Sex, Men and Women

Welcome to Group Therapy:

Today I thought I would throw a question out there that I hope will bring about a good healthy discussion/debate. So please don't hesitate to tell me what you think.

Here is the question:

Do women want sex as much as men do?

Women have always been perceived as being the ones in a relationship that lose their sex drive, but is that true?

Tell me your opinion and comment anonymously if you want to.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Why I need friends and how it's good for my marriage!

It's hard to know where to go with these posts that have to do with just me. I mean I can talk about me until I'm blue in the face, don't get me wrong, but when it relates to me and then how it relates to my relationship... sometimes I get twisted.

So I'm just going to write about how my friendships, "my girls", enhance my marriage.

My friendships are extremely important to me. I have friends and lots of them, but I only count a few as my very close friends.

It seems that when us as girls get married or partner off we tend to leave our group of friends and embrace our partners friends. Well that is the trend I saw with my group of friends.
I think that is because us as women can adapt and interact well with most any woman. Sure there are those that may rub us the wrong way, but most of the time we can fake it til we make it when we have to (Sure there are those of you that are crying, "Not ME Shelle. I never fake anything. I'm always me and I'm always real." Good for you guys. You are better than I.), but it seems like a guy is pickier right? When I would tell my husband that we were getting together with some of my old friends I get the roll of the eyes, the cross of the arms, and the, "do I have to" grunt, it was like I was asking him to slit his wrists or something!!!

Yet when it is time to hang out with his friends and their wives and girlfriends I'm stoked to meet them and chat and talk and see what I have in common with them.

I think we represent a lot of couples out there.

Even though my close friends and I don't get together as often as we would like, when we DO get together we start right where we left off. Sure we catch up on what we have missed in each other's lives, but then it's back to eating fattening foods, talking about everyone and eveything, and solving all the world's problems, oh and laughinglaughing until we can't breathe! The people that I'm drawn to...someone that can make me laugh guy or girl...the ones that will talk spirtually with me one minute...but then the next minute laughing at one another as we reminisce at how retarded we were when we thought we knew it all!

As a woman I need that. I need to be able to call my close friends and cry to them about life and it's unexpected tragedies, discuss the quirks in our relationships, seek advice, listen as they seek theirs, keep me grounded by laughing at those things that seem so big but are really so not important, someone who will go to a chick flick movie and fall in love with the lead guy with me, someone to tell me that my butt does look big in those pants but they will meet me at the gym and count their calories with me because "we are in it together". The friend that tells me they will run and train for a triathlon with me in memory of my nephew because they love me, and after I break my collar bone still go through with it because they have that kind of character.

I feel for those that don't allow people close to them, that don't allow to let their spirit and soul bond with other human beings in the simplest yet complex form of what we define as friendship. They miss out.

My friends help my relationship by allowing me to talk about it, by being the third party looking in and telling me when I'm being dumb or backing me up when I just need validation! Sometimes if I can vent to a friend my husband never has to hear it! It's a win for HIM if you think about it! :)

Friends are important. To me they are, along with my family, what makes this life worth living, that includes those that I know in real life and the ones I have the pleasure of knowing only online (such a different kind of relationship that I yet am able to define but important to me all the same), all of them mold me slightly everyday into the woman I am proud of becoming and I don't wish it any other way.

What about you guys? How do your friends make your life better or worse? What about your friends make them an integral part of your life? Or are you more of a loner a keep to yourself kind of person?

Monday, November 16, 2009

Pack Mentality

As I was walking to my first college kegger, a tall guy ambled up to me.

“Hey,” he said in that monosyllabic way guys do when we’re trying to appear cool to other guys. “You a freshman?”

I told him that I was. He didn’t believe me. I always looked older than my true age. He kept insisting that there was no way I was just starting college.

“Why would I say that I was freshman if I wasn’t?” I said.

A friendship was born that night over beer gulped out of red plastic Solo cups. Not only did we live in the same dorm, but we also had the same major. We brought things to each other’s lives. He had Super Nintendo. I looked old enough to buy beer without an ID.

It wasn’t just him that I became friends with, but a group of guys with whom I have remained close for nearly 20 years. We didn’t plan it this way, but after graduation we all headed out west to Los Angeles. Because I live at least two time zones from any family members, these guys have become my de-facto family.

Guys tend to form packs, like wolves. We protect each other, offer each other companionship and hunt together. In my pack, we always hung out, ate pizza, drank beer and played video games. We occasionally went out to mingle with other packs and genders. We watched movies. We quoted the Simpsons liberally. We enjoyed making fun of each other, but always out of love.

I can’t imagine those first few years in this city if I didn’t share it with those guys. I can’t imagine it without them now. There is much history between us. We have stood up for each other at our weddings. We’ve provided support in those first rough few months as new parents.

We don’t get to hang out as much as we used to, but when we do not much has changed. We might drink more soda than beer these days and we don’t stay up nearly as late. But we still play video games and watch cartoons. We still quote the Simpsons and we still rip on each other all of the time. Maintaining my pack is as important to me as my family. I would not be complete without my boys.

Our kids now play together. And as friends, we are proudly raising a new generation of geeklings.

--Daddy Geek Boy

What about you? Do you travel with a pack? How long have you known each other? What do they bring to your life that your significant other may not?

Friday, November 13, 2009

Home Alone

Opening my eyes, the first thing that I notice is the quiet. There is not a single sound in the house. I look at the clock and curse my body for rousing me at 7am. I roll over and try to go back to sleep—a luxury I’m not usually afforded. I toss and turn for another hour before giving up. It’s time to get out of bed.

The house is eerie and still, completely deserted like the streets at the beginning of 28 Days Later.

My wife and kids have left for a week and I am on my own. It is day 2, Saturday. A day filled with endless possibility. One that has not been pre-planned or scheduled. I stand naked in my kitchen pondering this blank slate. After a moment to let this all sink in, I turn on the TV. I brew some coffee and I make a plan for the day.

Suddenly an idea comes into focus: I am going to watch movies all day. I will warm up with a few DVDs then I will go to the theater and catch a double feature. On the way home, I will stop at the grocery store. I will buy a thick steak and a nice bottle of red wine. I will come home and watch another movie. It will be an action movie and the sound will be turned up nice and loud.

I am a man of simple pleasures.

As flawless as this plan is, the amazing thing about this day is that I am free to deviate from it at any time. I am not bound it anything other than the natural rhythms of the day. I cannot remember the last time I felt this free. It’s exhilarating.

I see a total of six movies that day. Eyes exhausted, I finally crawl into bed. It feels empty. I look at the spot usually occupied by my wife and fall asleep. I awake again at 7am the next morning. The house is cold and lifeless. The quiet no longer feels comforting. I am ready for my family to come home.

-Daddy Geek Boy

Thursday, November 12, 2009

24 hours of ME time...Female Perspective

So the question posed was, "If you had 24 hours to do whatever you wanted how would you fill it?"

My Perfect Dream Day On My Own

Wow, it has been a long time since I’ve even thought to plan out a day all on my own. I do get chunks of time for me here and there, but an entire day…! Normally if I take time on my own, I’m out shopping for stuff for my family or the house…not necessarily for me. So, this is what I would do if the entire day was about ME.

8:00 am - Wake up, shower, get ready for the day, eat.

9:30 am – Grab a coffee from Starbucks on the drive…since I’d have to drive at least 20 minutes to get anywhere that has something to do.

10:00 am – Take an introductory yoga class.

11:00 am – Mani/Pedi, Massage, Facial, Relaxing lunch

2:00 pm – Shopping (bookstores, organizing stores)

4:00 pm – Writing a post for blog or work on a freelance editing project (because I like to, not because I have to).

6:00 pm – Dinner. (Anything but hotdogs and macaroni! Probably something like teriyaki chicken and rice with Coke Zero…and chocolate silk pie for dessert. Yum!!!)

7:00 pm – Quiet reading time (A brand new book bought while shopping earlier in the day.)

10:00 pm – Meditate (What does REAL silence sound like anyway?)

10:30 pm – Sleep…lots of sleep.

So what about you? Anything specific that you’d like to do with an entire day to yourself? Would your day be similar to mine?

I write at DomesticallyDisabled

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Group Therapy: Should I settle?

Welcome to Group Therapy:

I am 38, never married, and have never even dated much. I am quiet, shy, overweight and plain.

I have been seeing a man who is 43 years old, and who has also never been married. He has asked me to marry him, but I haven't given him an answer because I don't think I really love him. He is very good to me and treats me like gold, but there is absolutely no spark. (There's also no sex because he is impotent)

So do I marry him and "settle," just to be married, or do I live the rest of my life alone? Is it better to marry my best friend, or should I wait for a the Man of my Dreams who might never come?


Well give your advice in the comments and let her know what you think. Go ahead and comment anonymously if you want.

***If you have a topic or problem you want addressed in Group Therapy please email them to me at blokthoughts @ gmail dot com.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

You Spent How Much???

I think for most women, shopping is a fun activity. We all do it for different reasons. Some have to have the latest and greatest fashions. Some are in it for the hunt, of a great bargain. Some women even refer to shopping as therapy.

I will admit, I do love to shop. In my defense, I shop for others mostly. I like coming across something that, So'n'So must have, and being able to buy it for them.

I did mention "mostly" right? I do have a personal addiction that can be very costly. FABRIC! I love to sew. And when I started sewing again a couple of years ago, I became obsessed with fabric. Now, my spare bedroom has been turned into a studio and it's wall to wall fabrics. When you consider that I buy high end fabrics, $8 to $13 per yard, you realize that a big chunk of money is sitting in my studio. And don't even get me started on the machines.

My addiction to fabric is why I started selling my creations online again. I needed something to do with all the stuff I was making, and some funds to support the habit.

My husband used to get irritated with the amount of money. With rude or nasty comments about my spending on fabrics. Until last Christmas that is.
I hadn't even been selling for a year yet. So he couldn't see any profits. All he saw was the spending. Until Christmas shopping season began. And all of the sudden, I was getting orders almost everyday. And by the time it was all said and done, I had paid for Christmas. What I made online covered it all. Which worked out great, because he was unemployed last Christmas.
This year, he has been very encouraging. Excited even, about my Christmas sales.

So yes, I do love to spend money. On all sorts of things, not just fabric. But I also realize that in order to have this privilege I must also contribute. Everything I buy, that isn't considered a 'need', more than pays for itself in the long run. My husband is usually understanding. The bills come first. We pay for everything with cash, so we owe no one. I think it works out well in the end.

I have opinions about women who don't work, but run through the household money like water. I have met them. And I feel sorry for their husbands. But that's all I am going to say on the subject.

How about you? Do you know someone who is out spending all the money, while hubby is busting his butt to earn it? What's your opinion about this sort of behavior?

Life In Left Field

Friday, November 6, 2009

A Decade of Dating, How Things Have Changed

David's blog is fantastic and such a great tool for those of you that are single. I personally would be terrified to have to go out on the dating field again, I wouldn't even know where to start. I appreciate David's Guest contribution. He's a link nut but they are all really great sources... go check him out if you have time on his blog... he's a great read.

I’ve been divorced ten years, and throughout that decade I’ve been a single dad dating. I’ve enjoyed a few long-term relationships, some short term flings, one-night stands, booty calls, blind dates, crappy dates, and couch sex. I’ve even been stood up. I've got sexy and funny dating stories, for sure.

How has dating changed in the last ten years?

I see three biggies that bear examining: online dating, the economy, and dating as a single parent.

The Rise and Fall of Online Dating

Ten years ago, online dating was hot hot hot. I had my pick of women to go out with, from yahoo personals,, salon and nerve personals (those last two were the best. Sexy open-minded intellectuals. Yum…)

Any given week, I’d go out on two or three dates. Online dating really was a great tool for meeting new people, setting up coffee and cocktails greet and meets. I became a bit of an online dating expert (in a sick, funny way.)

Since then? Online dating sites have fake dating profiles to draw in new members or solicit spam, and hookers looking for clients. Oh, sure – there are legitimate profiles from real people using the online dating sites. Some of those people, in fact, are lifers I recognize from a decade ago. I don’t date online anymore. I’ve met most of my girlfriends in real life. But I do still look on match, in desperate hope that Ms. Sexy Hottie Right will be there.

The Economy – From Boom to Bust

Ten years ago, the dot-com bubble meant everyone in Silicon Valley had mega bucks, at least on paper. Women could date a hot busboy, and still feel like he would provide and protect like no other. Other women had their sites set higher, and would flat out ask in bars what job you did in what startup, and how many stock options you had. Yeah, Silicon Valley dating was all about money. And not much fun.

These days, everyone is broke! I’m more prone to shake up my favorite margarita recipe at home than head out to a bar and buy ten dollar cocktails for my date and myself. I go on a lot more hiking dates (i.e. they don’t cost a thing!) these days than I did a decade ago. While it’s nice to not worry so much about flashing the bling, with the down economy people are less prone to go out, making it harder to meet someone new.

Dating as a Single Parent

Ten years ago, my kids were three and seven. Dating as a single parent was pretty easy – any woman I met could picture herself having babies with me, and my kids being close enough in age for us to be one big happy family. Plenty of naked spooning in bed for me, back then.

These days, my kids are teens. Any woman I date either has kids off to college, or she is younger and has no intention of staying with me long term. Yes I have my share of booty call relationships, usually older men younger women affairs. Whatever works! Single parents need intimacy, too.

The Next Ten Years

Ten years form now, both my kids will be out of college. I’ll be in my 50s. Hopefully by then, I will have met a sexy vibrant woman at my same life stage, enjoying our empty nest years together.

If not, I’ll divide my age in half and add seven, and date a sexy 30-something who needs intimacy while she’s shopping elsewhere for a man who will someday father her kids.

So what about you guys? Do you agree with this? How do you think it has differed?

© Copyright 2009, David Mott, All Rights Reserved.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

The Me now dating and the ME then dating...

Donna is one of our single contributors. Her site is intriguing and beautifully written. She has an honesty about her writing that you don't feel on a lot of blogs. I am so lucky to have her write for us and be a part of Team Venus. This post about her in the RAW is a great read, she obviously wrote one of these before the other... but it's still honest and open and that is the best kind of blog reading! Check her out on her own site when you get a chance, her link is at the bottom of this post.

Wow, things have changed so much in the past 10 years.

First of all, I think I was getting a whole heck of a lot more action 10 years ago than I am now. I know that’s my fault. I wasn’t as picky as I am now. I wasn’t looking for someone to spend my life with, I was looking for someone to pass the time with. Definitely still committed, but I was more into having fun than creating a life long, lasting relationship.

I think the biggest difference between now and 10 years ago is technology. It has changed so much. 10 years ago I was on a dial up internet connection, in chat rooms on AOL that kept booting me out every time the wind blew. It was terrible. Paying per minute. Ick.

But 10 years ago the thought would have never crossed my mind to use a personal ad. Online or otherwise. I didn’t have a choice, but to head out with girlfriends to the latest hot spot. All I had to do was get all prettied up on a Friday night and hit a club or bar with one of my girlfriends and we were all set. Never a shortage of guys. Nowadays, it just seems so much more difficult. I think the internet has made all of us a bit reclusive. It’s so much easier to “meet” someone from the comfort of your couch, in your pajamas with a glass of Cab in hand. I can be anyone I want to be, and in part, that’s a huge problem too. But more on that later.

On my couch, I can do it on my terms, in my own time. If someone emails me or “winks” at me online or requests to IM me, I can choose to ignore it and basically not feel guilty about doing so because I’m not actually rejecting someone to their face. And on the verse of that, I don’t feel “as” bad when someone doesn’t respond to me if I email them because they are not actually rejecting me to my face, just not responding.

When I used to go out with one friend in particular, she would always lecture me. Never turn down a dance from anyone, no matter what. You never know what you’re missing out on. And she was right. Not only is it difficult turning someone down in person, I was limiting myself. Not letting myself be open. I was basing everything on first glances and if I thought that person was physically attractive. Don’t get me wrong, I still do that online. If I don’t find their pictures at least somewhat appealing to me, you can bet I’m not going to be clicking on that profile or responding to an email that was sent to me.

Honestly, up until recently, I had never dated someone that wasn’t in my circle of friends. I had never dated someone that my friends didn’t know or wasn’t from my neighborhood, etc. It’s kind of tough breaking out of that mentality and scary too. I’m still getting used to going out with guys that none of my friends or family know in some capacity. As I get older, (Ugh, I’m only 36, that’s not that old, right?) my network of single friends has gotten smaller.

I also think that people just don’t have the time like they used to and the Internet or Speed Dating has kind of stepped in to alleviate that problem. The whole speed dating thing does not appeal to me at all. It kind of reminds me of a cattle call. But busy schedules, commitments and careers have become the focus and people just don’t have the time to really get to know someone, it all seems so rushed.

I think the media has also made me a bit more skeptical than I was 10 years ago too. The worst thing my mother would warn me about when I went out was to keep an eye on my drink and make sure that no one slipped anything into it. Now you hear every day about people being murdered by someone they met online or the whole Craig’s list killer thing. It’s hard out there for a pimp, yo. You never know if the other person you’re chatting with is being honest, is who they say they are or is not completely and absolutely crazy. Not that I couldn’t go out and meet someone at a bar or at church even and run into the same kind of issues (Hello Scott Peterson. He looked so normal and decent and then he goes and kills his wife!)

Technology has changed the face of dating completely for me. Sometimes now, I feel like I am paying for a date with all the online subscriptions to meet the man of my dreams. It kind of makes me feel a little dirty sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, I still go out, I still put in a good effort to actually meet someone in person, but sometimes, it’s so much easier, after a long day at work to turn on my laptop and see if anyone interesting viewed my Match ad, or my eHarmony profile.

Has dating itself changed for the better or worse over the past 10 years? I don’t know. I truly believe it’s me that has changed. And that’s a good thing. I didn’t know what I was looking for 10 years ago. Now I have a much better idea and can take my time and find the right person that will compliment me. I’m not just worried about the hook-up or who I’m going to be with this weekend.

And if the Internet can help me do that, I’m all for it!

How do you feel that dating has changed? Whether you are single or not how would you meet people if you were in my situation?

Donna- The Bare Essentials

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Our Friendship means alot

Welcome to Group Therapy:

"I met this woman online and after our first date we've done the hanging out like a couple of buddies--movies, drinks, the occasional lunch, parties with friends. She's fantastic! She's beautiful and funny and laid back, she seems like the perfect woman for me. For her job she has to travel quite a bit and when she goes out of town she texts me or emails me that she misses me, and then she will say those words, 'Our Friendship Means Alot to Me', I would always reply, 'I feel the same'. If you can't tell I have really fallen for her but the last time I took the words 'you mean a lot to me' as something more than friendship I found out it was code for I like your company and friendship but I don't like you anymore than just a friend. I am also not her only 'friend' sometimes I will ask her to go somewhere with me and she will let me know she has been asked out for that night. Since I don't know how she is with other men I have no idea if she is the same way with me that she is with the other men she goes out with.

We have everything I like in a relationship except the sex, I want to take it to the next level but I guess I'm afraid to put myself out there and learn that she really only wants me as just a friend and I really don't want to lose what we have right now.

I guess I want people's opinion on what they would do in my position? Thanks Shelle.


There you go guys. Leave your opinions in the comments and let Jay know what you think. You can also comment anonymously. I'm not sure if Jay will be monitoring comments or not, I know that he knows I posted this today.

We are also looking for more Group Therapy topics or questions so please email them to or

Tuesday, November 3, 2009


My husband is always late for things. Whether to work, church, appointment, you name it, he can be counted on to be late for those functions. I thought it seems kind of ironic because I've been told or it is actually a fact that islanders (I'm an islander) are usually so laid back that timing is not important to them whereas Haoles (that's what Hawaiians call white folks from the mainland USA) who are fast lane people, being on time is crucial (generally speaking, of course). For some reason, my hubby and I seem to have reverse this role. If any of you have never been to an island get-together, let me just tell you that if an islander tells you that the set time is at a certain time, you can almost always bet that whatever the event is, it isn't going to start exactly on time, in fact, if you get there half an hour late, you're actually on time. So I think this might be just perfect for my hubby.

I don't like to be late for anything. I'd rather be early than being late and I try to make sure I get to where I'm going at least ten minutes early. I guess this was something I grew up doing, all those teachers giving me and my fellow classmates such a hard time for being late that it had become a part of life for me. As I get older, I don't like being late mainly because I don't like to draw attention to myself. Believe me, it's very difficult to be on time with seven kids. But I've learned over the years how to make it work for me to get to my appointments, church, meetings on time even with seven kids in tow. And because of the number of kids I have, I know there's always going to be some mishap that happens right as we're walking out the door which I always anticipate so I prepare myself for it. If I am not running late, I can actually take care of the problem and still make to my appointment on time.

My hubby, on the other hand, doesn't seem to care about being late. If we're late for church or a doctor's appointment, it's usually because we were waiting for him. Our kids know now that if they are in a hurry to get somewhere, to school, work, or even to a party, if they want to be on time, mom would be the person to get them there ON TIME. Forget about asking dad unless they want to be late getting there. This used to be such a big problem, a huge irritation for me, I would get so frustrated that I would literally give him the silent treatment or sometimes just nagged the living daylights out of him. Of course that wasn't the way to go because we would end up fighting and that made him want to be late even more on purpose just to tick me off.

So I came up with a solution: instead of nagging about it, I set the clock ten minutes early. Not only that but if let's say I have a doctor's appointment and I want him to come with me and the appointment is at ten in the morning, I tell him the apoinment is at nine. That way if he takes time in the shower, which he likes to do or take forever to get ready and add in his driving, we would actually get to my appointment on time (thirty minutes after nine which is perfect because we are half an hour early). I know this may sound like I tricked him but it worked to both of our advantage, I'm not late for my appointment and he was able to do everything he wanted to do before we leave and he didn't have a wife who was cranky at him for making her late.

He is actually fortunate that where he works now, the boss is pretty mellow, being late is not that important to him, as long as everyone gets their job done at the end of the day, he's ok with it. The question asked was: should it matter if we're late? Well, I would say yes and no. There are some things that being late for is not an issue and then there are some things we should never be late for. Just depend on the individual. I don't like to be late for church mainly because I don't like people looking at me when I walked in trailed by my kids, such a distraction. I don't like being late for a meeting or school and a doctor's appointment. And if I was working outside the home, it's a must that I am not late for that. And getting my kids to school on time is another absolute must. Going to parties or some other functions that are mainly for entertainment, I'm totally flexible on the time.

What about you...does it matter if you're late? Are you or spouse never on time? Should it matter?

Monday, November 2, 2009

It's not really that diffcult...

To be on time, that is.

I grew up in a house run by a mother who believed that being on time meant being 10 minutes early. Whether it was work, school, church, an appointment, we were always a few minutes early. [I don't know what's happened over the years, but now I think my mother will be late for her own funeral. But I digress...]

Fortunately, Veronica is just as punctual as I am. For the most part...

Having young kids can make it challenging to be on time. They seem to have a knack for spilling something, losing something, or generally being a pain in the ass at exactly the wrong time. I understand that, and it doesn't really bother me too much.

But if you're always 5 minutes late, just start getting ready to go 5 minutes sooner.

Can't find your car keys? How about consistently putting them in the same spot?
Kids have trouble picking out clothes? Choose for them, let them know if they want to pick their own clothes, they can't dawdle around
[Can you tell what some of the issues are in my house?]

When I was in grad school, I had an office wife. She was, and still is, one of my best friends. We started and finished our degrees together and spent countless 10-12 hr days together over the 4 years we were students. During all that time, we talked about a number of different things and became really close, hence thinking of her as a second wife. And I was her office husband. Only without any sex...

When Veronica and I would meet with her and her husband, they were always late. She refers to him as functioning on MST, or Mexican Standard Time. Which is an impolite why of saying he was always late. And not even consistently so. Sometimes it would be 15 minutes, sometimes more, much more. But for whatever reason, she puts up with it.

Personally, I couldn't stand it if Veronica was always late. But if she was, I'd probably become such an over-bearing ass that she'd kick me to the curb in no time...

So how about you, is punctuality that important? Are you or your spouse always late?

Hubman (NSFW)