I haven't been posting on this blog because I've been dealing with life and I took a very long break. But I have a post in my heart and I feel like I'm probably not the only one that goes through this. So I have decided to write it down and maybe it will reach someone out there.
I'm going to talk about weight. Doesn't seem like it should be a relationship issue... but I think it is. I have probably done EVERY diet in the book, what a cliche right? How many times have you heard that exact line when someone writes about a weight loss success story? Well this isn't that kind of post, at least not yet. I have yet to lose any weight, it seems like every time I try to lose weight I am successful a little bit, but then I'm right back where I started. I have a major food addiction I think. I'm not overly obese, but I LOVE food. I eat when I'm happy, when I'm sad or depressed, when I'm excited or bored. I eat and I love tasty food. Do I necessarily always feel good after I eat certain things? No. I sometimes feel horrible and sick and bloated and yucky. Sometimes I feel happier, but it doesn't last for long. Just like a drug addiction, I wait for the next short fix.
Having my belly issue affects my marriage because it affects my sex life. We aren't remiss of sex, it's just that I don't always feel comfortable or sexy, and I hate that. It's more intimate when I can let go and just enjoy the experience... but the minute I feel the jiggle or look down at the extra weight, I zone out and I don't connect with my husband like I should. It's sad, and I know I have a few choices, do something about it, or change my way of thinking.
Maybe though, those things go hand in hand. Maybe I need to do something about it AND change the way I think about myself? The only thing is, I'm scared. I've failed SO many times that I'm afraid to let myself down again. I have to make that lifestyle change not only for myself but for my relationship.
My husband loves me, he always tells me how beautiful he thinks I am, but inside my mind it is so ugly that I can't help the depression that comes over me when I see the numbers on the scale or the reflection that stares back at me in the mirror and it frustrates my husband. He doesn't like that I feel that way about myself and he doesn't know what to do about it. He tells me he doesn't understand how I can see something so different than what he sees, yet I do. And it affects how I am behind closed doors which affects him.
I am lucky that I have the relationship that I have, but my weight does make a difference and I WANT to be a success.
So here is my accountability. I am going on the Fat to Fit journey. I am going to do the meal plans, continue with my exercise, take the pictures, take the measurements, and do it. Day by day. Inch by inch. This isn't a new year's resolution. It has to be a saving grace, it has to be a lifetime resolution.
I'm seeking any critique's, words of encouragement, kicks in the butt, or just thoughts. Am I alone in this? Does anybody constantly constantly fail because they can't seem to hurdle over there own fears?
That is, if anybody even reads this blog anymore!
Shelle
