Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Group Therapy: Should I settle?

Welcome to Group Therapy:

I am 38, never married, and have never even dated much. I am quiet, shy, overweight and plain.

I have been seeing a man who is 43 years old, and who has also never been married. He has asked me to marry him, but I haven't given him an answer because I don't think I really love him. He is very good to me and treats me like gold, but there is absolutely no spark. (There's also no sex because he is impotent)

So do I marry him and "settle," just to be married, or do I live the rest of my life alone? Is it better to marry my best friend, or should I wait for a the Man of my Dreams who might never come?


Well give your advice in the comments and let her know what you think. Go ahead and comment anonymously if you want.

***If you have a topic or problem you want addressed in Group Therapy please email them to me at blokthoughts @ gmail dot com.


ShellSpann said...

Oh gosh. That's a tough one. In my mind, a spark is SO important. I also think marrying someone you love is important.

I couldn't personally marry someone I didn't love or have a spark with...but everyone is different. If you are content with settling now, that may change later in life. You may wake up one day and realize that you aren't happy and you want more out of a relationship than that.

Good luck. xoxo

SciFi Dad said...

It all depends on what you want from your marriage. If you want spark, or sex, then don't get married. If you want a male companion/best friend to grow old with, then marry him.

Bottom line, if you feel like you're settling, your marriage isn't starting out on the right foot IMHO.

Anonymous said...

dang. I'm with Sci-fi. You need to decide what you want. I would also say nobody is plain, everyone is unique.

Also I think some folks have a skewed sense of love/marriage, it isn't a fairy tale far from it actually, so if you are waiting on perfection you will get old alone, on the other hand I never settle.

There is a non-answer for ya. My bride got the last perfect guy!

Missty said...

Wow. Like the others said above, you need to do some soul searching. Sex is an important part of most relationships, but if its not for you then I say go for it. There is nothing better than to be married to your best friend. But really, the man of your dreams should be your best friend.

And the other thought is - make sure you haven't built up the man of your dreams into a guy who doesn't exist. kwim?

Good luck to you.

Missty said...

Ok another thought. lol I was re-reading and thinking. You need spark, there has to be something between a relationship that gets you excited - excited to see him when he comes over, or when he calls, etc. So if there is none of that, maybe you need to look elsewhere.

And as for sex- there are lots of other sexual things you two could do to take care of you both. Just sayin'

Maybe try a few things... and see if there is a spark.

Danielle said...

The way you described yourself makes me think you are settling already. Do something about that first and then look for someone. You might be amazed at who you find.

Becky said...

The concept of 'settling' doesn't feel good to me. If he is someone you love and enjoy then perhaps it is different. I can't imagine going into a relationship feeling like I had 'settled'. My husband (of 25 plus years) at first was a good friend and it took a while for the spark but when we were married I knew it was right and he was much more than a friend. My two cents worth ...

ZenMom said...

If you are thinking of it as "settling", then no. It's not fair to either one of you.

Daddy Geek Boy said...

Does he know you'd be settling? Cause I agree with the above...not fair if he doesn't.

As proven in countless stand up routines, morning talk shows, sitcoms and this blog, relationships are hard. If the heart ain't in it, I can't imagine how much harder it would be.

Margaret said...

If it were me I would rather be alone than stuck with someone where there is no spark. I am also ok being alone so for me it would be an easy choice.

Anonymous said...

Well it's never gong to work if you age going into it feeling like you are doing him a favor.

I am sure if a guy told you he was settling on you, you would prefer that he moved on to "bigger and better things" then.

so if you feel like it's a settle then you shouldn't do it. if you feel like this is a grate opportunity for happiness even if it's not the exact kind you have imagined then go for it

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

I would say get married if it's your best friend! Sex can be creative and like someone said the spark may come after.

I say your not settling you are attaining companionship. He's your best friend when the "spark" dies out, the friendship is all you have, your ahead of the game! He treats you like GOLD what some married women would KILL to have that!

Just seeing how my single friends divorced or never been married have just hated to be lonely and without that human contact it has been hard for them.

So to go against the grain I say do it! Get married. Be happy with your best friend...make it work, that's how marriage is.

WannabeVirginia W. said...

Oh no, don't settle or marry for the sake of it! For starters it sounds like you are already unhappy with yourself based on your self description to add on something externally that you are going to be unhappy with - it sounds like your heading for disaster and utter unhappiness. My suggestion would be to find something within you that you are happy with and perhaps stay friends with him and see where that takes you... IMHO

clan of the cave hair said...

sex can be worked out, "spark" does not equal love, but lust, and lust can only get you so far in a relationship. It sounds like its time to get out a pen and paper and make a list. How do you feel when you're around this man? What does being treated like "gold" mean? (Does it mean he is kind enough to not beat you, or does it mean he thinks of you first, puts your needs above his, sacrifices for you?) What are the expectations he is NOT meeting? (in other words, what, besides the fact that he's impotent is he lacking that you desire?) and then consider whether those expectations are likely to be found in any man? (I once knew a woman who felt about herself much the way you've described herself, but had a crazy-insane laundry list of physical attributes she was looking for in a man, that not even the world's sexiest hollywood star could have lived up too.)Then decide if you're being reasonable with yourself and with him. "Settling" just won't work, so long as "settling" is what you beleive you're doing.