Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Our Friendship means alot

Welcome to Group Therapy:

"I met this woman online and after our first date we've done the hanging out like a couple of buddies--movies, drinks, the occasional lunch, parties with friends. She's fantastic! She's beautiful and funny and laid back, she seems like the perfect woman for me. For her job she has to travel quite a bit and when she goes out of town she texts me or emails me that she misses me, and then she will say those words, 'Our Friendship Means Alot to Me', I would always reply, 'I feel the same'. If you can't tell I have really fallen for her but the last time I took the words 'you mean a lot to me' as something more than friendship I found out it was code for I like your company and friendship but I don't like you anymore than just a friend. I am also not her only 'friend' sometimes I will ask her to go somewhere with me and she will let me know she has been asked out for that night. Since I don't know how she is with other men I have no idea if she is the same way with me that she is with the other men she goes out with.

We have everything I like in a relationship except the sex, I want to take it to the next level but I guess I'm afraid to put myself out there and learn that she really only wants me as just a friend and I really don't want to lose what we have right now.

I guess I want people's opinion on what they would do in my position? Thanks Shelle.


There you go guys. Leave your opinions in the comments and let Jay know what you think. You can also comment anonymously. I'm not sure if Jay will be monitoring comments or not, I know that he knows I posted this today.

We are also looking for more Group Therapy topics or questions so please email them to or


Anonymous said...

I once started hanging out a lot with a guy in college that I thought of as a friend. We had known each other for a few years through a mutual friend. He never gave me a clear indication that he thought of me as more than a friend. I wasn't the type to make the first move. He had to go out of town for a few months on an internship and we got out of the habit of hanging out. Later, I found out from our mutual friend that he had stronger feelings for me. However, by that point it was too late as I had met someone else. Who knows what might have been? (I was attracted to him, did care about him, and hope that he is happy, wherever he is)

The answer is always "No" if you don't bother to ask the question. Ultimately, you have to decide if you can handle remaining in the friend zone, knowing that you feel more. Personally, if I had feelings for someone I think it would be harder to know and wonder about the dates with someone else, rather than to take the chance that the "friendship" may change if I took a risk with my feelings. Only you can decide if that is a risk you are willing to take.

ZenMom said...

Well, I've never been much for subtle, so if it was me, I think I would just ask her.

Seriously, just find a moment and sit her down to talk to her. Tell her, no pressure, but I need to know if we are moving in a romantic/sexual direction or are we "just friends". Phrase it in a way that makes it clear to her which direction you prefer, but be prepared that you might not like the answer.

There could be a lot of explanations for her behavior, but sitting around stewing about it will only make you crazy.

Personally, I'd get it all out there in the open then try to guess.

I know the patented ZenMom Bluntness approach is not for everyone, but, in this case, I think the only way to relieve your concerns and move forward - one way or the other.

Good luck!

Meagan said...

I think "Your friendship mean a lot to me" is code for I don't want to take this to the next level because I am afraid I will lose you as a friend.

Margaret said...

I would just straight up ask her because that is the easiet what to get to the bottom of it all

Missty said...

I would tell her what your thinking, and that you want to move to the next level. Then wait for her to answer. She may say no - friendship only. Or that she wants the next level - but slower than you. Or she might say great I am so ready!

I know I am more of a let the guy take the first approach or lead. So maybe she is loving your friendship, but just waiting for you. She has told you she loves your friendship. And as for code on what that means... who said that is what it means? kwim?

I can say, to a guy that I want more of a relationship with - HIS friendship does mean a lot to me. Of course it would.

If the code wasn't from her - I would disregard it.

I hope Jay comes back and lets us know what he did and how it worked out.

H.K. said...

The best thing to do is to be straightforward with her. Ask her where you stand in the relationship.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Jay we have talked about this but I totally understand the fear in this. Like someone said above, you might lose out on the best woman in your life, but you might lose a friend if you go through with it and she doesn't feel the same way. For your sanity, I would ask her, people don't know this but your hot, and fun, she would be stupid not to want to take it to the next level with you.

I think I would rather do it and regret it later than to never know at all.

Good luck...wish there were more comments from the guys out there :( they would probably be a lot of help.

WannabeVirginia W. said...

In keeping with Keep it Simple, just ask her. Open the dialogue..

Anonymous said...

Thank you ladies for giving me your suggestions, all of them the same pretty much.

I am usually the type that would just go and ask her. She is different. I don't know what it is about her that scares me to lose any of what we have, but I'm not ready to give her up to take it to the next level.

Any of you know a way to get her to give me more clues of where she stands instead of coming right out and asking her right now?


April said...

Have you kissed her? Like with the tongue, not the grandma kiss.

ZenMom said...

We really need some of the guys to come give their opinions on this one, too.

Like I said before, I'm not any good at subtle. But, I think upping your flirting quotient could help. If you say and do more "romantic" things - her response to those things should give you a clue as to her feelings.

Missty said...

I think the guys perspective would be great... but he has gotten great answers from WOMEN! The same sex he is having a relationship with... a womans perspective. Umm, hello, we all would want to be asked or told you want to take it to the next level.
So as a guy listen to us. lol

Like Zen said up your flirting, etc. If your just acting like a friend, that is all you ever will be.

Let us know!!

Erin said...

I think you should tell her/ask her even if it ruins the friendship. You can't make your attraction to her suddenly go away. She can't expect to keep tapping into your affection as a friend if it's stopping you from finding someone you'd be happy with. If she doesn't want what you want, at least you can move on to someone else.