I emailed Shelle about writing a post for the blog. When I told her what it was about she thought it would be better to do it in this kind of forum.
I have to give SOME background to help with the bulk of the questions.
I feel I'm like any normal male, or most males. I'm average. I say this when I'm talking about pornography. I don't need it and I don't have to watch or look at it, but every now and then when I need a quick pick me up and especially before I was married, it was a fast way to reach the "goal". No harm no foul. If it was there I'd look but nothing obsessive, never ruled my life.
Fast forward to marriage. My wife has never looked at porn. She thought of it as vile and disrespectful to women, even though those women fully engage of their own accord. It was something we talked about before getting married and she said that if I wanted to look at something or watch something that we do it together as a couple, see in her mind, it was worse if I was getting off behind her back or being sneaky about it, so her compromise was together or nothing at all. I agreed to it because like I said before I didn't need it and hell if she wanted to watch and look at it with me I could roll with that.
Not going into a lot of detail because it would suck to listen to, she tried the compromise thing and long story short we looked at porn, really really soft porn.
Fast forward a bit and one day I get sent an email from a friend which sent me to a website with porn. Being a weak human I looked at it. For longer than was probably necessary, I admit, I was guilty and looked at it.
In walks wifey on me. And she flipped. I mean she turned into a whole other person. Screaming, ranting, crying! You would have thought the end of the world was upon us. To say the least, she was not happy about it. I begged to be forgiven. Told her I'd never again look at it unless she was right by my side. Claimed I'd block any friend that sent me that kind of material again. I did whatever I could to try and make it better.
She said she needed time. Time to think about it. Time to let it go.
It's been 2 years. If you were an outsider just walking in on an argument of ours you would think I was caught last week. She still holds it over my head. She still thinks she cannot trust me, even though I haven't looked at porn without her there or knowing about it. She throws out divorce when we argue and blames any problem on the fact that I was the one who caused it by looking at porn.
I love her. I don't want to divorce her. We have a beautiful little boy together. I want my family to stay together.
My questions are: If your spouse or partner did something that made you lose your trust in them and you were able to get past that, how did you do it? Is there anything I can do to make it better, to help her trust me again? Or is there nothing I can do? Is there no hope? Will it only get worse?
***If you have any questions or problems that you would like to have addressed in Group Therapy please email me at blokthoughts@gmail dot com orrealworldvenusmars @ gmail dot com.
Leave your advice in the comments, comment on other comments, and feel free to comment Anonymously.