Have you found yourself in a relationship where the frustration level and the number of times you butt
heads with each other seems to increase by the second?
You say blue, she says red, and the fights just seem to be going in circles.
If the answer is yes, then some say you may be at what they call "the break UP point."
But I wonder, is it break UP, or break through?
Maybe you're at the place where you're finding out things about each other that you need to fix.
Maybe it's an opportunity. A critical one, but an opportunity nonetheless.
Let's say the honeymoon's over, and you start that constant UPhill drive to build a relationship. If you
start bumping heads, instead of uglies, then it might be time for a "re-group", or chat, if you will. The
first few months and even years of a realtionship are the most critical time to build that relationship. If
you stop doing the little things that make the day nice; good bye kisses, notes, texts now that we're in the
modern era, and frisky, friendly, flirting, then you're at a break UP point. It's time to be really honest with
each other and compromise, work things out. Break through, not break UP.
"My wife/husband doesn't understand me." Isn't just a line from some jerk in a bar. It might be the
truth. People come from different backgrounds, and no two homes are exactly alike. Heck, the five
children in my family could not be more different, but were raised by the same two people, and for most
of our lives, in the same house. So, blending two people into one family takes work. Understanding each
other isn't easy, and it's a constant task. People change, times change, ideas change, goals change. Make
sure you talk about the changes you are going through, and make sure you include your partner in them.
Don't break UP, break through.
If you start to punish each other, things are getting serious. I'm not talking about a little mutual friendly
S&M kids, I'm talking about passive agressive behavior. You know, "he left his clothes on the floor, so I
just won't put them in the load of laundry I'm doing even though there's room." Or "She never puts the
cap back on the toothpaste, so I'll just leave the seat UP!"
It's silly, and it's dangerous. Resentment can build, feelings get hurt, the game escalates, and then all hell
Use it as a break through point, not a break UP point.
Have you stopped "fighting" or "arguing"? Well, that's a danger sign. Walking out of the room gets
nothing done. And even though you can't unsay things you've said, sometimes you have to say them.
(This is not permission to be a jerk, think before you speak!)
Fighting isn't a bad thing. It clears the air. I'm not saying you should start throwing pots and pans, and
no one needs a baseball bat, but talk about it. Yell if you have to. When you stop fighting at all, you've
stopped fighting for the relationship, and you've reached a break UP point. Use it as a break through.
Have you actually thought about leaving? Well, then you're at a break UP point. You need to regroup,
take a few days and think it out. Some therapists recommend leaving for a few days or a week at this
point. I'm not so sure. Maybe a weekend with the girls (if you're the girl), or a fishing trip, or camping
will do some good. But don't say, "we need some time apart". That may just be what your partner wants
to hear, and it may not be the real solution. Stick it out, but take some time. Go visit some friends or
family, or go see the Biltmore House, but spend some serious windshield time thinking just how your life
would be if you walked. You may envision something that isn't possible, and hopefully you'll realize that
you're where you need and WANT to be. Make it a break through.
Once you've thought about it, and worked it out. It's time to take a stand. A stand for the relationship
or a stand to walk away. Go back, talk, make decisions. Life is way too short to be miserable. Both of
you need to try, and both of you need to work at it. Evenly, and willingly. If you don't try, it's a break UP point. If you do, you might just break through.