Tuesday, October 12, 2010

HSSS: Open Marriages

Two of our contributors are asked to take opposing stances on an issue and present a case for their viewpoint. Comment and tell us who you agree with or what you believe or think! The topics are suppose to elicit a response and start a conversation in comments. Enjoy!


Topic:  Open Marriage

She Said (Gucci Mama):
I'm a pretty smart girl. I mean, let's just face it; I'm brilliant. But, and this may surprise some of you, there are some things I just don't understand. One of those things is this concept of "open marriage". It seems there are many couples who just, ah, have sex with other people! Sometimes while everyone is right there in the room. Is it naive that this shocks me? I just have no frame of reference for this kind of thing. I can't imagine.

Maybe it's that I've been devastated in the past by infidelity. Maybe it's because it's my hopelessly romantic (in clear spite of my real world experience) belief that sex between a man and his wife is about more than physical pleasure. It's about connection and intimacy and expressing love that is saved for just one person. I don't understand, if one is in a relationship that is connected and intimate and full of love - as most people open marriages say they are - then why look elsewhere?

I have other questions. Some are just logistical, like, how does one go about finding other couples who want to participate? It seems the potential for rejection and humiliation and maybe even being ostracized is pretty significant. I wonder if anyone ever gets jealous, seeing or knowing about their spouse with another person. And then, what about the kids, if there are any? Do they know about the lifestyle and if so, what does that teach them about the value of commitment and love and the sanctity of marriage?

I just don't get it. Splain it, NV, baby.

He Said (Nolens Volens):
Not trying to be a smart-ass here, but I wanted to get the definition of what the phrase "open marriage" means so I can 'splain better.

As seen on Miriam Webster online, the definition is "a marriage in which the partners agree to let each other have sexual partners outside the marriage" and MW lists the first appearance of that phrase in print as early as 1971.  That's clearly different than being a swinger - definition of "swinger" on MW is "one who engages freely in sex".  That word has been around since 1543.

How is that different?  The concept of open marriage is that the partners have to get approval first before having sex with someone.  Swingers tend to go together and they tend to do whatever they feel comfortable doing. I'm also saying that it's not always the case with every swinger or with open marriages.

I must confess that I am not a typical swinger or participant of an open marriage.  I would say that ours is more of a part-time open marriage.  We do not play with others without expressed permission by either one of us.  We may have people who would love to play with either me, my wife, or both of us, but we do not cross the line.

For my wife and me, this is a marriage enhancer. We've been together almost 12 years, 10 married, and we're much more physically in-tune with each other now and emotionally bonded than we were before. Would we have become so bonded without opening our marriage? Perhaps. We'll never know.

There are no feelings of jealousy or rejection because this is a mutual arrangement. We enjoy sex SO much (and my wife is bisexual) that we want to share it with others. We don't have sex with just anybody, either. She and I have developed a very long list of rules over the years for our partners and we follow them, to a T, no matter what.

As for my wife, she has told me that our intimacy is just as sacred now as it's ever been. The idea of saving yourself for just one person is still an idea we hold dear, we just chose to express it differently. My wife's not as passionate with others as she is with me, her emotions aren't the same, she's not as free with her body and her desires as she is when there are just us 2. It's the same for me. I can't ever look at or have sex with anyone else the same way as I do with my wife.

How's that as an explanation?   ;)

Okay... comment away!

56 comments:

Elaina said...

I'm fine with it. I'm all about sexual freedom. However, as someone who, like GM, has experienced some measure of infidelity, my only requirement is that everybody's on the same page and consents to share, and that this is done willingly...as in, not "You can give me permission to sleep with so-and-so or not, either way I'm going to so you might as well just agree to it."

Consent, agree, and play safe, and I'm happy. It's not for me, but I don't mind it if others want to do it. Are you happy? Is your spouse happy? That's all that matters to me.

Tracie said...

To each his own. If it works for some people than have at it.

Gucci - I have been approached by 3 different couples asking if my hubby and I swing. Could have knocked me over with a feather - LOL. Hubby and I have chatted about it. I don't think we are morally opposed to the idea just none of the couples were that interesting ;)

Big Fat Gini said...

I tend to be on the same side as GM. It's not for me. And I share my husband about as well as I share food, which is not well at all. Why get married at all, if you don't want to/can't commit to one person for the rest of your life?

On the other hand, if it's your thing and all parties are happy with the situation (and of course are safe), then good luck and God speed...

binks said...

I am constantly amazed by people and their proclivities.
I can see the allure of wanting to spice things up, but I would think that one would have to have a boatload of self confidence in order to pull it off.
I would always have that little voice in the back of my head wondering what if.
Truth be told, I could care less what people do in the privacy of their bedroom and it takes all kinds to make the world go around.
Just not my cup of sex.

Kenny said...

An open marriage would be my cup of tea...I would love it....I could stop sneaking around.

I do believe there would have to be rules in place. A lot of communication and trust.

I am not sure if my wife would go for it...I don't even know how to ask or broach the subject.

While I imagine meeting other open couples would seem hard...when you are in the lifestyle I imagine it's easier than you think. The biggest problem would be finding someone attractive.

When it's about sex...you want to fuck someone hot...not average...many swingers/open people I have seen are average at best. (not that I have known a lot)

What do you do if you want to open the marriage and your partner does not???....Cheat or pay...

Gucci Mama said...

I'm fine with it too - not for me but I don't care if you do it. I just don't get it. I'm not against it, necessarily, but I don't really see how it makes sense. And I wonder if both partners are always truly willing, or if one goes along for the sake of the other, because they're afraid of losing/disappointing/whatever their partner. And then jealousy and resentment builds, etc. The "why am I not enough" feeling is not something I'd wish on anyone, and I have to believe it exists to some degree in these situations.

Traci - People have approached me too! Blows my mind! And, just saying, people have kind of come out of the woodwork since I started doing HNT and balancing all sorts of sweet stuff on my boobs...

;)

Daisygirl said...

This is an interesting subject...first time on this blog by the way!
Let me say this: the idea of an open marriage is what almost caused a divorce between my and my husband of 11 years.
I am a very sexual person...so is he to a point. We talked, thought we had decided on how our situation would play out but once I had found "My play partner" and told him about it all went to hell.
It is hard to be in a relationship where both people feel the same way I find that jealousy will rear its ugly head unless you are with someone that is exactly the same as you....now that is just not really possible.

This lifestyle does work for some people, I have seen it! But maybe I am now leaning towards the occasional threesome every so often. Sex can just be sex.

Elaina said...

The thing about open marriages is, I think it really needs to be something that's agreed on before you make the commitment of marriage. Marriage can be as free or as committed as the people in it want it to be.

I don't want to get all TMI here, but my husband is in the Army, and he's gone a lot, and so I don't really have a problem with him watching porn...I just don't want to see it or know about it. I would have a problem if he had an affair, because when you're away from your spouse for soooo long, I think it's the emotional connection that crave as much as the sex.

I guess I could probably at least consider an open marriage if he brought it up, though I don't think I'd ever be able to be comfortable with it. I have no interest in being with anyone else. And I think, frankly, if he wants to be with someone else, I'd rather he just divorce me and be with them. If he wanted to be free to sleep with whomever he liked, I don't see why he would want to be married to anyone.

Anonymous said...

I try not to judge others or how they live their lives because it is their life to live, not mine. But I'm baffled. What is the point of standing before a church full of people and declare that you will love that one person for the rest of your life. What is the point of committing yourself forever to one another? If you want an "open marriage" don't get married. It's a shame that this country's values and morals have fallen so far from what they used to be. It's all of a sudden ok for a 15 year old to have sex, get pregnant and raise a chid when they themselves are still a child. It's okay for two men or two women to be together even if that wasn't what we were created for, oh but excuse me, as long as someone is happy it all of a sudden makes everything right. Guess I better pick up my heroin and have at it.
I'm not starting a debate or a war here. What you do is what you do. But can you stand there and justify yourself to your children? And if you share your partner with someone and they catch a disease, do you hold blame to that person for passing it on to you? How is this an okay thing? Honestly. Why do people have to be so selfish. You can't handle loving only one person? You are so greedy that you need other people. I think it is a sign of selfishness, weakness, lust and gluttony in a way. People need to read just their moral monitor and get back to the right way.

Elaina said...

Anon, what in the world do gay relationships and teen pregnancies have to do with open marriages?! And you know those teen girls didn't get pregnant all by themselves, right?

The problem with saying that "people need to... get back to the right way" is that you're using your own personal definition of "the right way". Not everyone is going to agree with that. Not everyone believes as you do, nor should they have to.

As for justifying yourself to your children, why would you share such a personal detail about your sex life with your kids?

Beckie said...

Wow...I think....I think you should watch SIster WIves. You would learn a lot. I think anymore that anyone being happy is a whole lot better than being miserable and causing trouble or issues for anyone else. Times and people change. You have to change with them. That or buy your own island, move there and never come back.
I do see the complications from committing yourself to one person and then deciding you want to sleep with other people. It doesn't make sense to me. And according to my beliefs that makes sleeping with someone while being married a sin. But that's my own personal belief, others have their own beliefs and just because they are different from my own, it doesn't mean they are wrong and I am right.
I'm the person who would do it to please my husband, to make sure he is happy but it would be the downfall to my marriage because in trying to keep him happy I'd kill me inside. I'd be jealous and hurt and my self esteem would drop. Why would my husband want another? Why am I not good enough for him? Those sort of questions would run through my head all of the time. The fact that my husband loves only me and wants no other means so much to me. I'm more than satisfying for him. I please him and keep him happy. That means I am doing my job as a wife and well.
It is fascinating to learn about how others live their lives but to also compliment them for what doesn't work for me is amazing that it works for others. Kudos to those that can survive something like this and make it work. :)

Nerdy Jess said...

My first marriage was an open marriage and I was totally ok with it. However, in my second marriage I would never be ok with it. My first marriage was an emotional roller coaster and not to mention completely destructive. Now that I am in a good, healthy marriage, I'd never go for it & if he suggested it, I'd be devastated. However, I would never look down on people who do have an open marriage. I am all for whatever works best for you in your situation. I found what I was looking for with my husband and it works for me.

~Kenny said...

You know I am a single guy, and I have been with married women. Not because I seek them out, but because many of them are looking for something outside of their marriage that isn't working for them. Often because the fire is out, or the marriage has been neglected for a very long time. I would argue that re-kindling the flame or keeping things spiced up in a traditional marriage is A LOT more difficult that finding it an open marriage. I can also tell you that a lot of women are seeking that spice regardless of the status of their marriage.

That being said my personal belief is while keeping things going in a monogamous marriage is much much harder. I think it is infinitely more rewarding. Personally, I find it hard to separate sex and emotion, and therefore I think I would be naturally inclined to become jealous. Even if we "had the discussion" and were both on board. Heck I read the stories of open marriages all the time and I feel sad and jealous and I am not even involved in the story. I mean cuz here is the deal. People are people and I don't care how good your set of "ground rules are" there are going to be issues to deal with. What happens when your wife's sex partner gets a little to rough with her, or when your husband's sex partner won't stop calling. Let's not forget there is always the risk of STD's as well. Maybe that shit never happens, but I am willing to bet it does.

Am I outright condemning open marriages? No I am not… truthfully they may in fact be a better option than "catting around" behind someone's back. I mean they do require a certain level of truthfulness and honesty that does not exist in MANY marriages. I would say though if you or your partner are on the fence about something like this and you are doing it because you think it will save your marriage. Then think again. Try counseling, try marriage camps, try sex therapy. IMHO I think open marriages work best when the couple are open to the lifestyle going into the marriage and not as some sort of marital chemo therapy to stave off the cancer of infidelity.

~Kenny said...

You know I am a single guy, and I have been with married women. Not because I seek them out, but because many of them are looking for something outside of their marriage that isn't working for them. Often because the fire is out, or the marriage has been neglected for a very long time. I would argue that re-kindling the flame or keeping things spiced up in a traditional marriage is A LOT more difficult that finding it an open marriage. I can also tell you that a lot of women are seeking that spice regardless of the status of their marriage.

That being said my personal belief is while keeping things going in a monogamous marriage is much much harder. I think it is infinitely more rewarding. Personally, I find it hard to separate sex and emotion, and therefore I think I would be naturally inclined to become jealous. Even if we "had the discussion" and were both on board. Heck I read the stories of open marriages all the time and I feel sad and jealous and I am not even involved in the story. I mean cuz here is the deal. People are people and I don't care how good your set of "ground rules are" there are going to be issues to deal with. What happens when your wife's sex partner gets a little to rough with her, or when your husband's sex partner won't stop calling. Let's not forget there is always the risk of STD's as well. Maybe that shit never happens, but I am willing to bet it does.

Am I outright condemning open marriages? No I am not… truthfully they may in fact be a better option than "catting around" behind someone's back. I mean they do require a certain level of truthfulness and honesty that does not exist in MANY marriages. I would say though if you or your partner are on the fence about something like this and you are doing it because you think it will save your marriage. Then think again. Try counseling, try marriage camps, try sex therapy. IMHO I think open marriages work best when the couple are open to the lifestyle going into the marriage and not as some sort of marital chemo therapy to stave off the cancer of infidelity.

~Kenny said...

You know I am a single guy, and I have been with married women. Not because I seek them out, but because many of them are looking for something outside of their marriage that isn't working for them. Often because the fire is out, or the marriage has been neglected for a very long time. I would argue that re-kindling the flame or keeping things spiced up in a traditional marriage is A LOT more difficult that finding it an open marriage. I can also tell you that a lot of women are seeking that spice regardless of the status of their marriage.

That being said my personal belief is while keeping things going in a monogamous marriage is much much harder. I think it is infinitely more rewarding. Personally, I find it hard to separate sex and emotion, and therefore I think I would be naturally inclined to become jealous. Even if we "had the discussion" and were both on board. Heck I read the stories of open marriages all the time and I feel sad and jealous and I am not even involved in the story. I mean cuz here is the deal. People are people and I don't care how good your set of "ground rules are" there are going to be issues to deal with. What happens when your wife's sex partner gets a little to rough with her, or when your husband's sex partner won't stop calling. Let's not forget there is always the risk of STD's as well. Maybe that shit never happens, but I am willing to bet it does.

Am I outright condemning open marriages? No I am not… truthfully they may in fact be a better option than "catting around" behind someone's back. I mean they do require a certain level of truthfulness and honesty that does not exist in MANY marriages. I would say though if you or your partner are on the fence about something like this and you are doing it because you think it will save your marriage. Then think again. Try counseling, try marriage camps, try sex therapy. IMHO I think open marriages work best when the couple are open to the lifestyle going into the marriage and not as some sort of marital chemo therapy to stave off the cancer of infidelity.

Gucci Mama said...

Kenny, I think you stated it perfectly. Three times. ;)

~Kenny said...

You know I am a single guy, and I have been with married women. Not because I seek them out, but because many of them are looking for something outside of their marriage that isn't working for them. Often because the fire is out, or the marriage has been neglected for a very long time. I would argue that re-kindling the flame or keeping things spiced up in a traditional marriage is A LOT more difficult that finding it an open marriage. I can also tell you that a lot of women are seeking that spice regardless of the status of their marriage.

That being said my personal belief is while keeping things going in a monogamous marriage is much much harder. I think it is infinitely more rewarding. Personally, I find it hard to separate sex and emotion, and therefore I think I would be naturally inclined to become jealous. Even if we "had the discussion" and were both on board. Heck I read the stories of open marriages all the time and I feel sad and jealous and I am not even involved in the story. I mean cuz here is the deal. People are people and I don't care how good your set of "ground rules are" there are going to be issues to deal with. What happens when your wife's sex partner gets a little to rough with her, or when your husband's sex partner won't stop calling. Let's not forget there is always the risk of STD's as well. Maybe that shit never happens, but I am willing to bet it does.

Am I outright condemning open marriages? No I am not… truthfully they may in fact be a better option than "catting around" behind someone's back. I mean they do require a certain level of truthfulness and honesty that does not exist in MANY marriages. I would say though if you or your partner are on the fence about something like this and you are doing it because you think it will save your marriage. Then think again. Try counseling, try marriage camps, try sex therapy. IMHO I think open marriages work best when the couple are open to the lifestyle going into the marriage and not as some sort of marital chemo therapy to stave off the cancer of infidelity.

Lee Strickler said...

I am with GM on this one. Others can do what makes them happy, but personally after experiences with infidelity, and insecurity in an unhealthy marriage, now that I have a happy, health marriage - I do not share!!! I do not play well with others. My toys are mine and mine alone. :-} Like Elaina said, it is more than just sex in our relationship, it is intimacy, a closeness reserved for each other.

I can see, if it was decided and mutually agreed, not just one agreeing to please the other, then I am sure it can be exciting and add to their sexual pleasure. I think it is not something I could be happy with, but it sounds like there are many couples who are happy having an open marriage.

DCHY said...

So, are you saying that as long as you're not "emotionally involved", it doesn't matter? I am trying to understand the way of thinking. That's all.

Gucci Mama said...

I'm saying I don't see how it's possible NOT to become emotionally involved and/or how it's possible not to be emotional (negatively) about your partner wanting to sleep with other people or wanting you to sleep with other people. I don't think you can possibly separate emotion from this issue. So I just don't understand how it works or why people want to take that risk.

Rachel said...

Personally, I just cannot get on board with the open marriage thing. Maybe I'm old-fashioned but I can't even wrap my head around the idea that "sex is just sex". To me, there will ALWAYS be emotions involved on some level. While I believe some people are able to separate the two more, I think it's a risky game to play. Sure, maybe things are carefree for a while, but what happens when your spouse happens to hook up with someone they just "click" with? Things become a lot more complicated at that point.

I like sex to be "special". The thing I reserve for my husband and I know he reserves for me. I think it creates a bond and intimacy that can't be found anywhere else.

I do hope that those involved in open marriages are able to balance things without getting their hearts broken (or a disease!), but in my book I think it is better to be committed and confident in my marriage.

Donda said...

Ummm Yeah. I am not down. I wanna cutta bitch if she looks sideways at my man!

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

bwhahahaha @ Donda.

OKay and Kenny... you had a lot to say... more than once... but I get ya.

I'm not really down with it either. Curiousity is one of my worst traits and so I wonder sometimes, as I know, my husband has.

But I couldn't deal with the mind games. I would hate it. I have enough to deal with in my mind... don't need to worry about that!

And I get the, if they are happy, slogan. But I agree a bit with anonymous. There has to be a line drawn or this whole world is one big heap of chaos!

Morals should be important.

That's just my opinion though.

~Kenny said...

sorry for the quadruple post...googles fault not mine...maybe the blog owner can delete a few

Elaina said...

Morals should definitely be important, I just think that it's a slippery slope to start applying your own morals to other people. After all, if I expect everyone to live my own morals, I'm bound to be disappointed, and there's always going to be someone out there who is then going to want me to live by their morals.

Live and let live. The only person's sex life in which I can really have any say, other than my own, is my husband's. However, there are plenty of spouses who do what they want anyway, and hope the other doesn't find out, so really...do any of us have any say in anyone else's, even a spouse?

The Green-Eyed Brat said...

I'm with Donda...but Diva's husband offered me a custom paint lavender Harley...so I'm open to the option...

but hey, that's just me.

Anonymous said...

I don't understand open marriages either... But hey I also don't understand getting naked on my blog for the world to see. Whatever floats your boat and makes you happy.

Gucci Mama said...

Just half naked, anon.

Nolens Volens said...

Well, it has been interesting to see how the overall consensus is. More of you were on the "it's between consenting adults" kick and you are absolutely correct.

My wife had an interesting response when I asked her why she really doesn't care what I do (other than not crossing the line). She said, "As long as you come home to me, I am happy."

We are best friends who understand that we sometimes need some time apart and the maxim "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" applies every time.

I will always come home to her. I am hers and she is mine. We have included each other in everything we do when we aren't together. I tell her about my cyberchats or I show her pictures from friends. She does the same.

To love someone totally is to trust that person completely. She knows I will not do anything without her permission and I know she will not do anything without my permission.

Nolens Volens said...

By the way, I enjoyed some off the cuff but funny comments like "offered me a custom job so I'm open..." :)

As for the anonymous privilege, everyone has a right to hide behind that mask...but nobody is allowed to abuse the right to be a jerk. Hmm?

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

GM- when I heard about HNT and I looked around to see what it was all about... Not all of them are classy half nekkid--some are full nekkid!!! And some shouldn't be either! Aaacccckkk!

I'm not anonymous that said that, obviously, but I did need to clarify! Hehehe.

NV- Anon 1 does have a right to say what she pleases even if it does come off to some as being a jerk. She has the right to be baffled. Heck I don't get it either!? Some have a more passionate way of saying it!

At least you and GM have a way with words to lead people to respond! Awesome!

Gucci Mama said...

Shelle, I knew that wasn't you, baby! I was just talking about my HNT, which are always half or less than half, since that little gem from anon was directed at me.

I'm still baffled about the open marriage thing, ps. It's not about whether or not people should do it, because I can't control that nor do I wish to; I just want to understand the motivation. I hear the trust, the honesty, the whatever, and that it's important when making this decision, but I still don't get the WHY of the whole thing.

Maybe I never will since I don't really have a frame of reference for it.

Shelle, where's YOUR HNT? Hehehe.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Right, I knew you knew. And I knew about the comment... I was clarifying that half-nekkid to some meant full blown nekkid to others. But the classy comment was from me to you, of course! :)

My HNT's are the hot ones every week, you know the ones.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Kenny- the blog administrator said she likes for you to have a voice, even if it is repetitive.

I like to blame blogger and google also ;)

Gucci Mama said...

Shelle, you are the fabulous. I'm keeping you.

Nolens Volens said...

Shelle - my comment about being a jerk was NOT directed at Anon #1 or anyone...just reminding everyone that they do have a right to be a jerk - just don't abuse that right. ;)

nitebyrd said...

The word and meaning of the word "marriage" puts me right off. I was married to the same person for 33 years. Yup, longer than many of you have been alive! During that time, I came to realize that, for me, marriage was a trap. I don't believe in marriage, open or otherwise, anymore.

Regardless of your feelings for your mate and theirs for yours, you simply cannot be all things to one another.

Familiarity breeds contempt. It's a fact.

The concept of monogamy was fine when people only lived for 35 years. I don't think it's a logical choice anymore. Maybe having to renew marriage licenses every 10 years or so might prove practical. Would save on divorces. If you decided you didn't want to be married, you didn't have to re-up again.

I didn't read any of the responses because my opinion is pretty much set in stone. I won't condemn someone who says they are happy in their monogamous marriage and that they are "best friends", I'm glad for them. I also will encourage someone who wants to explore open marriage. I won't counsel anyone about getting married because I'm definitely not the person to ask.

If y'all can razz me or argue with me fine, but you have to be married to the SAME PERSON for 34 or more CONSECUTIVE years. ;)

Gucci Mama said...

Nite, baby, your response makes so much damn sense to me.

Anonymous said...

Half naked then. I would be uncomfortable if my husband put up revealing photos on a popular blog and my husband would be uncomfortable if I did the same. It's one long spectrum of what's acceptable behavior within a marriage.

Anonymous said...

what is the point of getting married if you're gonna be with other people. why not just stay boyfriend and girlfriend.

Gucci Mama said...

Well, anon, that's not the way you stated it the first time, about you or your husband being uncomfortable about HNT, which admittedly is not for everyone. The way you stated it the first time was pretty condescending, I think. Whether or not I've posted pictures of my cleavage on my blog is irrelevant to this discussion.

Anonymous said...

I'm not the same person as whoever was anon the first time. i just read the blog and put my comment. I guess call me anon#2

Anonymous said...

or #3 there seem to be quite a few anon comments i guess i should have read the comments first. (oops) but i am the anon that asked

what is the point of getting married if you're gonna be with other people. why not just stay boyfriend and girlfriend.

Nolens Volens said...

Nite - now I know how to torture you...by having you get and stay married to me. ;) Everyone has a right to their opinion, right or wrong. I am NOT saying your opinion is wrong, but I am not saying it's right. Hehe. I do like the idea of having to renew every few years - this allows the unhappy ones to opt out.

Anon #3 - the point for some people is to enjoy different experiences while remaining committed to the partner. When my wife and I started talking about threesomes (which she brought up on her own, I swear!), we were surprised to discover that we think alike.

Then we had a "near experience" and we discovered that our love for each other was strengthened. Took us a while before we had an actual experience with someone else and we loved it. That's how it works for us. We stay married to each other because we love each other and we both know we would rather be together than be bf/gf.

Think of it this way...you've broken up with your mate and you feel a bit lost. Nobody to be with and you're on your own when you have to date again. You try to make up with your mate, only to break up again. And again.

As for showing naked/half-naked pictures, some of us are exhibitionists. Some of us have fantasies. The rest of us just don't. You have the right to not show anything.

I enjoy the sexual freedom of being NV that I could not on MySpace, Facebook, etc. Again, all that isn't relevant to this HSSS topic. Maybe the nudity could be a HSSS topic...Shelle?

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Ummmm... I think we will stay of nekkidness as a topic, at least for now.

I think the relevance of what she was saying... whomever it was, and it did at first come across as a slight for GM... but as I read it again, I THINK, which doesn't really mean a whole bunch... but I THINK she was stating that even for HER and HER relationship, posting nekkid pictures on the internet would be crossing a line she and her spouse wouldn't be comfortable with.

So every couple has their lines and what they are comfortable with... kinda thing?

:)

Great discussion guys!

PorkStar said...

See open marriage as a choice between those who like beef or those who want to be vegetarian. Some like one, and not the other, or it simply works best for the rest. It all depends on the person and no one can be expected to understand this topic and that is totally ok.

I was in an open relationship as well and as the post (the male part) said, it was also something that got us very close and very happy. We also had plenty of rules which we obeyed and expeected from the people we met.

The most important part of it all is communication. It took us a lot of time to get to where we were but we discussed it all, there were no secrets between us and it simply helped with getting rid of jealousy.

Again, it's something that not everyone may understand but it's something that works for others. It did for us, it does for others.

TheWildcardz said...

Hey Everyone, We're the Wildcardz. We've been together for 12 years and in the swinging lifestyle for 3. We stumbled upon this website while reading another article about the lifestyle and figured we'd chime in on your discussion. There have been some constructive and not-so-constructive questions and comments on here and we’d like to address a few of them.

The first is for those people who say this lifestyle is gross or simply say “Ewww”. We’d like to counter this with a question. Why is it that our society accepts that people will sleep with a few different people, there by sowing their wild oats, before they get married but claim that after the don the ring extra-marital sex is perverted or disgusting.

The next is the question of “Why get married in the first place?”. For us, we got married because we love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together. We want to experience all that life has to offer together. We didn’t get married to confine our partner or restrict what it is they can and can not do. We want each other to enjoy life, live out dreams, fulfill fantasies, and to share those experiences with each other.

Jealousy. Yea it happens. On very rare occasions we have encountered jealous but it’s how you handle that jealousy that sets you apart. Society, mainstream media, and especially television have led us to believe that the only way to handle jealousy is to fly off into a rage and pound someone’s face in. How is that civilized? Two of the major benefits of this lifestyle are communication and self-awareness. If either of us ever feels jealousy we talk about it and discuss what about the situation made us feel jealous and what we can do to keep that from happening in the future. In may cases the emotion we feel isn’t jealousy, it’s envy. Feelings like “I want to be able to do that.” Or “Why doesn’t he make that sound with me?” can more easily be discussed and remedied then “Why did you break his nose?” or “How much is bail?”

For us the lifestyle has been wonderful. It certainly isn’t for everyone. Nothing gives us more joy then seeing our spouse having fun. It’s the idea of compersion, feeling joy knowing your partner is happy. And our level of communication has reached unbelievable heights. Let’s face it, when you can tell your spouse that you find someone else attractive and you want to sleep with that person and it’s a very real possibility, you can pretty much tell each other anything.

Hope this gives you all a better understanding of out lifestyle.

Best of Luck
The Wildcardz

TheWildcardz said...

Hey Everyone, We're the Wildcardz. We've been together for 12 years and in the swinging lifestyle for 3. We stumbled upon this website while reading another article about the lifestyle and figured we'd chime in on your discussion. There have been some constructive and not-so-constructive questions and comments on here and we’d like to address a few of them.

The first is for those people who say this lifestyle is gross or simply say “Ewww”. We’d like to counter this with a question. Why is it that our society accepts that people will sleep with a few different people, there by sowing their wild oats, before they get married but claim that after the don the ring extra-marital sex is perverted or disgusting.

The next is the question of “Why get married in the first place?”. For us, we got married because we love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together. We want to experience all that life has to offer together. We didn’t get married to confine our partner or restrict what it is they can and can not do. We want each other to enjoy life, live out dreams, fulfill fantasies, and to share those experiences with each other.

Jealousy. Yea it happens. On very rare occasions we have encountered jealous but it’s how you handle that jealousy that sets you apart. Society, mainstream media, and especially television have led us to believe that the only way to handle jealousy is to fly off into a rage and pound someone’s face in. How is that civilized? Two of the major benefits of this lifestyle are communication and self-awareness. If either of us ever feels jealousy we talk about it and discuss what about the situation made us feel jealous and what we can do to keep that from happening in the future. In may cases the emotion we feel isn’t jealousy, it’s envy. Feelings like “I want to be able to do that.” Or “Why doesn’t he make that sound with me?” can more easily be discussed and remedied then “Why did you break his nose?” or “How much is bail?”

For us the lifestyle has been wonderful. It certainly isn’t for everyone. Nothing gives us more joy then seeing our spouse having fun. It’s the idea of compersion, feeling joy knowing your partner is happy. And our level of communication has reached unbelievable heights. Let’s face it, when you can tell your spouse that you find someone else attractive and you want to sleep with that person and it’s a very real possibility, you can pretty much tell each other anything.

Hope this gives you all a better understanding of out lifestyle.

Best of Luck
The Wildcardz

TheWildcardz said...

Hey Everyone, We're the Wildcardz. We've been together for 12 years and in the swinging lifestyle for 3. We stumbled upon this website while reading another article about the lifestyle and figured we'd chime in on your discussion. There have been some constructive and not-so-constructive questions and comments on here and we’d like to address a few of them.

The first is for those people who say this lifestyle is gross or simply say “Ewww”. We’d like to counter this with a question. Why is it that our society accepts that people will sleep with a few different people, there by sowing their wild oats, before they get married but claim that after the don the ring extra-marital sex is perverted or disgusting.

The next is the question of “Why get married in the first place?”. For us, we got married because we love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together. We want to experience all that life has to offer together. We didn’t get married to confine our partner or restrict what it is they can and can not do. We want each other to enjoy life, live out dreams, fulfill fantasies, and to share those experiences with each other.

TheWildcardz said...

Jealousy. Yea it happens. On very rare occasions we have encountered jealous but it’s how you handle that jealousy that sets you apart. Society, mainstream media, and especially television have led us to believe that the only way to handle jealousy is to fly off into a rage and pound someone’s face in. How is that civilized? Two of the major benefits of this lifestyle are communication and self-awareness. If either of us ever feels jealousy we talk about it and discuss what about the situation made us feel jealous and what we can do to keep that from happening in the future. In may cases the emotion we feel isn’t jealousy, it’s envy. Feelings like “I want to be able to do that.” Or “Why doesn’t he make that sound with me?” can more easily be discussed and remedied then “Why did you break his nose?” or “How much is bail?”

For us the lifestyle has been wonderful. It certainly isn’t for everyone. Nothing gives us more joy then seeing our spouse having fun. It’s the idea of compersion, feeling joy knowing your partner is happy. And our level of communication has reached unbelievable heights. Let’s face it, when you can tell your spouse that you find someone else attractive and you want to sleep with that person and it’s a very real possibility, you can pretty much tell each other anything.

Hope this gives you all a better understanding of out lifestyle.

Best of Luck
The Wildcardz

TheWildcardz said...

We apologize for the multiple posts. Blooger said our post was too long. So we went and split the comment into two parts. yet Blogger posted the lengthy comments anyway.

Again we apologize.

The Wildcardz

The Green-Eyed Brat said...

I'm glad someone appreciated my off the cuff comment...sometimes I like to break up all the seriousness...and sometimes, well who am I kidding MOST of the time I just like to say things because it makes me giggle.

But it was related...I was just offered a customer painted light lavender Harley by my bestie's husband and instead of being shocked and mortified...I hesitated....

I'm the equivalent to that ahole kid that always jacks ups peoples family photos by doing something stupid and unexpected.

What can I say? I'm a asshole.

DCHY said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nolens Volens said...

DCHY - what were you going to say?

Wildcardz - thank you for your two cents. Two cents. Two cents. One cent. And one cent. ;) I appreciate that you spoke up and shared with us your thoughts on this. I haven't experienced jealousy because my wife wants to share me with others. Not the other way around. LOL

Green Eyed Brat - I love off the cuff remarks and non-sequitors. So, you hesitated? That was INTERESTING, wasn't it?

The Green-Eyed Brat said...

No...not really interesting. I'm easy like that...if he had offered me a plate of goat cheese and crackers...i probably would have hesitated as well...

In the whole twitter discussion we had regarding this subject I admitted to be willing to consider it for a jug of Carlos Rossi and a half eaten package of stale saltines....

I believe in the simple things in life aka I'm easy...heh heh....

The Bare Essentials Today said...

Good post, it took a while to read through all the comments.

Not that it matters now, 5 days later, but I think to each his own. This lifestyle may not be for everyone, but who I am to judge. They are consenting adults. If you don't want to do it, don't do it. End of story.

I was curious during one of my relationships and he wasn't. Nothing ever happened but the fact that I brought it up and shared my feelings about being open to this was enough for him to never trust me again. Bummer, but it was his loss.

I think if me and my partner made the choice to do this, chose together who we were open with would eliminate the jealousy factor for me. It's when it happens behind someones back or when both parties are not accepting and willing that infuriates me..that's just plain cheating.

WE BELONG