Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Group Therapy--My boyfriends best friend

Welcome to Group Therapy

Today's question was pretty interesting because I know MY take on it.

"My boyfriend has a best friend that I'm not charmed by. Not only is it a SHE but a pretty she. They text or email or talk everyday yet when I try to tell him that it's bugging me he just brushes it off and says, 'It's nothing, we are friends, good friends... but just friends. Nothing sexual.' I found out that he went to her for advice on stuff to make things better for me in bed?! Is that even appropriate? If I'm honest, she is a nice person, and they were friends before he knew me and I'm not neglected because of her, but it just doesn't seem right?

So my questions are: Am I overreacting? If not, how or can I ask him to scale back on his time he gives to her?


I'm a hater"

Okay write in comments your feelings and suggestions for, "I'm a hater", feel free to comment anonymous if you feel so inclined. (BTW, I love the Dear Abby like names you guys are coming up with, you are cracking me up!)

***Have any questions or topics you want addressed? Email us at realworldvenusmars @ gmail dot com or blokthoughts @ gmail dot com.


Anonymous said...

I am so passed the days of boyfriend and girlfriend! My wife and I celebrated 18 years together this past June . . .

But I remember, when we first met in college, how the fact that a good friend of mine from high school, a girl and very good friend, would call occasionally or send letters (no texting way back then; we used smoke signals and telegraph machines) and it would drive my new squeeze crazy. I said the same things sorts of things. We'd been friends for a long time and had just spent our last summer having a blast before starting college, so quitting her as a friend seemed to be an unwelcomed option. My wife-to-be had her moments, but generally accepted the facts that 1) there really wasn't any thing going on, 2) my old friend was harmless, and 3) that's just the way it would be.

All these years later, that old friend of mine and I are still friends, but contact has dwindled over the years, she's gone and finally gotten married, and my wife still things my tractor's sexy. (Ha! If I even owned a tractor!)

Having said all that? This is a different day and age. With cell phones and social media, and the ease with which one can do things anonymously, I guess all I could suggest is a reliable system of checks and balances. Accountability is the key. Is he willing to let you look through his phone? Does he get bent out of shape if you hover near him when he's on the computer? Even if he is a private person and would consider such things intrusive, he needs to realize that these are the steps that he needs to be willing to take if he wants to be taken seriously.

He probably won't scale back much, especially if they are still such good friends after a very long history. They share experiences that you two will never share together, so there will always be that. Until they have some big falling out, you're probably stuck with having her around in his head. I hope he has more than a shred of integrity . . .

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

This is always such a touchy topic.

I am a girl that grew up having a lot of guy friends. It was harsd for me when we started marrying off that their spouses wouldn't let them talk to me any longer.

Luckily my guy was never like that. He was always said he knew that about me so it didn't bother him.

Like cheekofgod we didn't have cell phones or easy you guys have it!

Anyway, like COG said above, if he hides stuff from you, texts or emails or whatever then you can question and be worried, but if they are open about it then try not to let it bug you.

I know that is easier said then done, bit you will push him closer to her if he feels like you might be TELLING him what to do about their relationship.

Although I don't think its wrong of you to tell him your opinion, and he should be considerate of those and being willing to talk to you about it to come up with a compromise you will both be happy with :)

Good luck!

Susan said...

I'm married, but still feel strongly about a couple needing to have each other as their main "go to" person, particularly regarding sex, and intimate things in life.

I say not appropriate. Nope, not ok. If the shoe were on the other foot, there would be issues on his part. Guaranteed.

Anonymous said...

Reading back over the question . . . I am with Susan regarding the sexual stuff. This is always such a tricky thing, and even casual talk about such topics can be interpreted so many ways, and become so much more than simple banter.

But then I wonder if the OP would be ok with him thinking about these sorts of things by doing research on porn sites (at worst) or on some sites dedicated to spicing up things between the sheets. There are ways to get advice, and not all of them are appropriate or worth the time invested . . .

Goob said...

Is there really such a thing as "just friends?" Doesn't that really mean "I'm in love with her, but she won't sleep with me, so for now I'll take at least being friends if we can't be anything else?"

Is this boyfriend otherwise marriage material? Because that information seriously colors the next step. If you think he's marriage material, he needs to drop the chick-friend. If he's not marriage material, then its no big deal, just be prepared to have an angsty boyfriend who is longing for another woman, or to get dumped for the other woman when she finally agrees to sleep with him.

I just don't believe that HE is in control of the "just friends" part of the relationship, if she wants him, my guess is, he'll be there.

there's my two cents. Take it for what its worth.

Goob said...

sorry, coming back to subscribe

Meagan said...

My advice would be to discuss the speaking to the friend about your sex life. Its hard when you start a relationship to stop yourself from discussing all details to your friends. Let your guy know you would prefer he get advice from books or magazines and not discuss your intimate times with any friends male or female.

As far as him having a female friend, you gotta let that go. Every couple has to figure out which friends can come into the circle and which ones can't. I say try to befriend her yourself. People say when they like you its harder for them to betray you. Your gut and people around you will clue you in if she has bad intentions.

Anonymous said...

So much good advice here! I think along the same lines as has already been said. If he is marriage material then some sacrifices need to be made on his part.

When I was newly married I had an old boyfriend call me in a "friend" capacity. I was OK with keeping it friendly but my husband had a fit. It was something that I really had to come to terms with. Who did I want to spend my energy on? The answer was my husband so I ended that friendship - a bit awkwardly. But now, 12 years later it is so NOT an issue at all.

It comes down to choosing who is more important to you. If he chooses you then life is roses, but if his "friend" wins then I think you need to move on and find someone who thinks that you are #1 on their list. Sorry, that may sound harsh. :)

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

This is where I differ with the majority.

Yes you can be friends. I don't know the situation with his best friend, let's assume they DID have a go at it and realized they had a friendship but they did have the sexual connection. I had that with so many of my guy friends. I LOVED hanging out with them, and we made each other laugh, talked about everything but the physical chemistry wasn't there and we both knew it :). I believe guys and girls CAN be friends, but I know I'm in the minority with that for sure.

I also don't think its inappropriate to get advice in a sexual nature whether it be from the opposite sex or the same sex as long as you are both comfortable. But it makes sense to me. I ask my girlfriends for advice or what they would do with certain things...but they have NO idea how it really makes a guy feel right? So why not go ask a guy, or girl in this scenario, what works for them?

See for me sex isn't a taboo issue. I know for my guy and me, the more we learn and experience that better it is for us, and we gots to keep it exciting...we r stuck with each other FOREVER!

I would much rather have my guy ask a friend that was a girl for advice then have him looking at porn, and possibly becoming addicted to it.

Personal preference.

Goob said...

Shelle, are you sure you BOTH knew it? Or were they playing along to keep you near?

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

That is suppose to say, "they did NOT have a sexual connection" not "they did have the sexual connection" :)

Really though it all depends on u.

I was thinking if they were like this before u came into the picture than you knew what u were getting into right? Why pursue it? Just wondering.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

COTCH- you know I don't know for sure. So I guess you have me on that. I can only go by what I felt our relationship was like...I knew how I felt, and I can see I'm friends still with all but two of them.

But you are right. I don't know for SURE.

Anonymous said...

If a guy has a friend, a good friend that is a girl he would sleep with her if she offered 97.7342 % of the time (and he thought he could get away with it). That being said is he better in bed? If so then good for him & you.

If they were best buds before you then you don't have much of z case here.

If you make him chose you might not like the result and he will surely hold it against you for z long long time. It would be proof that you don't trust him.
If you don't trust him then you should run like you are on fire right now before it goes any further, with 50+% of marriages ending in divorce going further without trust would be a poor poor decision.

Anonymous said...

I disagree with Susan last thought. He isn't the one with the issue. She has the problem. Her options are deal or bail it seems to me.

If I were him and the relationship with BF was on the up and up I'd run off the gf if she made me choose, that would be a slap in the face of an honest man.

Anonymous said...

COG and Susan, I would be FOR the bride watching porn, reading books or talking to whoever if she was really trying to be better in bed!!!! Who would be against that?

You don't want it to be better? I need to re-read cause I must have mis read something up there.

If she was trying to cook steak better who cares where she gets the info?

I would't care if she polled the whole south east!

Hell I'd even be more FOR it if she talked to guys to find out how I could make it better for her or how she could make it better for her with me!

This one is simple.........

every time!

Anonymous said...

I agree with COTCH (which tickles me cause that is almost COOTCH)

Look around, guys seldom have female friends they don't think about rubbing down with oil and playing naked with!

I also agree with Shelle on it being ok to seek advice.

Anonymous said...

Shelle, I'm with COOTCH

only you knew it, they wanted to fill up z #3 washtub with whoopin cream and eat you up with it!

Anonymous said...

@ anon
I agree with you. BUT is she doesn't trust him now..... that surely can not bode well for the future.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Sage, you butt, I DIDN'T know!!!

Like now we can get together with them and play cards or board games and their wives adore me! :) its one big happy family!

Plus most of them married blondes!? So I apparently wasn't their type.

Anyway, I was thinking about it some more and I can see how you might over look the girl best friend to get to know Boyfriend more if he was super hot and you couldn't help it, but now that you have him you want to change him...which is almost impossible.

So Sage has a point in saying if you can't trust him then you should move on. That's not fun to hear especially for us females, but it will just be bad in the long run, cause your chances of changing a guy or a person in general, if they don't want to change, is pretty slim.

Goob said...

I've heard the number one cause of divorce is Selfishness...I say its getting married to somebody you want to change...because you won't be able too, and why would you want too?

If you catch yourself speaking the words "He'll change" for any reason other than being followed by the remainder of the sentence "the baby's diapers"
...consider those to be the biggest red-flags you've ever seen waving in the wind.

DGB said...

There is so much information we don't know here, it's hard to fully analyze this situation.

How long have you guys been dating? How long has he been friends with her? Just how did you go about "finding out" he had a sex conversation with this woman?

There's a big neon sign here that says Hater is not secure in her relationship. I think she needs to figure out why. Cause she doesn't trust her man and she doesn't trust this woman.

That said, Hater how are you approaching your boyfriend about this woman? I'm giving this guy the benefit of the doubt here and the reason why he's brushing you off is cause he doesn't perceive this as something you should be jealous of.

Be flattered that this guy is asking about sex tips for you.

Anonymous said...

Hi, its me "I'm a hater".

So many comments. I don't know where to start or end.

First of all, his best friend and him both had a relationship about 5 years ago. We have been together officially a little over a year. They said what someone mentioned that they got along well so thought they would try to be more than friends but they both say that it just wasn't right, that they are better being just friends.

I don't want to change him. That wouldn't be fair I just think it is a bit excessive.

As far as asking her advice about how to make sex better, after the comments I see how I could see that as a positive thing, I just wished he would have asked me first but he says that that defeated the purpose of surprising me. Admittedly the advice was good advice, no GREAT advice, I should really thank her.

I think I am cursed to have trust issues for every relationship because of experiences I have had to deal with.

But he IS marriage material. I am not ready to give him up nor do I want to. The more I read this the more I realize its me who needs to overcome things. But I hate that he just acts like my feelings are pointless and I think if he would sit and discuss them with me he would realize that effort would go a long way.

I haven't even thought to really check his phone, I learned that doing stuff like that just makes me crazy, but I don't recall him ever openly hiding that from me? A couple of weeks ago you guys had the "would you switch cell phones with your partner?". When I asked him he said he wouldn't care.

So even though it is hard to hear your comments and advice is helping me look at things a different way. Thank you.

Goob said...

apparently I have nothing better to do today than read and comment here, but I just can't leave this alone:
"he IS marriage material" and "I hate that he just acts like my feelings are pointless"...not two thoughts you would normally see in the same paragraph...just sayin'

Anonymous said...

Hater, you now have the horse pointed in the right direction!

Go Girl, Good luck!

Anonymous said...

COOTCH I think she addressed it when she said.........

The more I read this the more I realize its me who needs to overcome thing

She surely hzs to get over or passed it if its going to work out for them.

DGB said...

Hater...when you approach your boyfriend about this, how are you approaching him? What is you true beef here? Is it that you're having trust issues? Is it that he's spending more time with this woman than he is with you? Is he sharing more with her than with you?

Try to think about how you want to approach this. Are you coming at him as a jealous girlfriend, which will automatically put him in either defensive or brush off mode, or out of concern for your relationship.

I don't know you, or this woman, or this guy...but if he's had a relationship with her in the past and it didn't work out, chances are good that they're not going back down that road again. If you have a bad meal at a restaurant, chances are you aren't making reservations the following weekend.

There has to be trust in any relationship you're in. I know it's hard when you've been burned in the past, but if this guy is trustworthy, don't punish him for the acts of others.

Unknown said...

I am stayin' out of this one, but in case anyone asks, I agree with Susan, and cheeks! Just saying...

Anonymous said...

thought you'd like advice from someone who actually went through this...
My husband has had a woman at work that for two years I asked him not to talk to so much. It was constant texting and IMs and he always insisted they were just great friends.
I felt like crap cuz I hated feeling suspicious and knew i should trust him. But I resented the fact that he saw her at work all day (I called her his work-wife) and still felt the need to talk to her at night when he should be with his family.
He always brushed aside my feelings and told me they were just very similar and she was only a friend to him and if I did get through to him, he would try to do it less, but it turned out he just hid it from me.
Long story short...we almost got divorced recently because he allowed himself to get so close. He finally admitted having sex with her twice. Now he is dealing with the consequences of a wife who is trying to forgive him and also honestly missing his friend who he really relied on. She was engaged too so I'm sure she's not happy with what happened either.
Everyone can say all they want that its not a big deal to have a friend of the opposite sex. I just have to say, you are playing with fire. It will be a long road back for us. The more he confided in her, the less he did me. Of course he felt like she knew the real him and we'd grown apart!
Just take my advice: Suspicions are usually correct. Even if he doesn't think there are feelings between them, he needs to love you enough to realize the risk he's taking and be willing to pick you over his friend if it is really bothering you. Hope it turns out better for you than it did for me. I'm still trying to get through each day...

MaeRae said...

Okay, I have to 100% agree with Shelle but then again everyone has valid points. I am a 40 year old woman with 7 brothers, 3 sons, and a slew of male friends. I feel more comfortable around men. My friends have accepted me as me. The comfort level of our conversations may not be up there for our spouses to hear but just the same we can talk about anything. I go to them for advice and visa-versa.

I will say without any doubt in my mind just what they have always said. "Women can be friends with men but men can't be friends with a woman." Men aren't hard wired that way. If the opportunity for sex is there they will take it. Will it make them think any differently about this woman that they have know forever...NO. It is just that way.

I can say that for years I have had these friendships and NOTHING has ever become of it besides friendship...but there is the possibilty just the same.

April said...

Of course guys and girls can just be friends. I think it's naive to think otherwise.

This to me is about trust, jealousy and insecurity. You need to trust that he's being honest with you and be secure in your relationship. Without either of them, it won't work. And you need to try REALLY hard to not be jealous. I think if she was not attractive, you probably wouldn't take so much issue to the situation.

Two of my mans best friends are both girls he's slept with. They are both pretty girls and both very nice. One of the girls is going to Vet school in Australia and was coming to visit for a few months. During her 2 month stay, she was staying at my mans house in the spare bedroom. I was completely not comfortable with that at first because once upon a time, they had bumped uglies.

I talked to him about my feelings and he assured me that what happened between them was a LOOONG time ago and wasn't something that was done out of feelings for each other, merely alcohol induced attraction. I got to know her more during her visit and she's really cool. We had a great time hanging out when I'd be at his house.

Since I trust him, I just sucked it up and got over it. And that's what I think you should do too. Try to become her friend as well and it'll make things a lot easier on you.

I also don't think there's anything wrong with him asking her for sex advice. I talk to my guy friends about sex all of the time. I give and get advice from them.

I hope all of the conflicting advice given here helps you some.