.....and I think it should be that way.
(I do my very best to be ummmm understanding here and not be to tough on others and their point of view, or to be condescending!)
Well I often hear about people with different opinions on this but as I have stated before and as is my rock solid position when we were married we decided that what we do would always be what was in the best interest of our kids. I will honestly say that I truly don't understand folks (men especially) that say/feel like they should be first, above their kids. This is just my opinion but the men I know personally that have this as a public stance are ummmm softer than the rest. Needy. More sissyfied. That being said I can understand their take IF the man does the majority of the parenting. If say the man is in an stay at home dad situation then I can see it.
I can also see a girl, female, woman feeling differently. Especially if they do the bulk of the parenting. I can see their take being "I tend the kids, they are fed, clothed and where they are sposed to be when they are sposed to be there, now someone needs to put me first!" And lets face it women see things differently, and they feel more and other reasons I just can't understand. Not negatives just the way it is.
It is my belief that if you choose to breed and give birth then that life IS the reason you do whatever it is you do. That life is the veto power in all your decisions. If the best thing for the kids is opposed to what you want to do then the best for the kids veto's your other desire. Of course people need time alone and for themselves and together without the kids. THAT is in the kids best interest so that mom or dad doesn't punt them to the moon!
The reason I am for the bride putting my kids first is because I am a grown azzed man. Now it should be said that I never look to her or anyone else to do things for me, I don't ask for help even if I need it. Hard headed I reckon, who'da thunk it?
Kids, all kids, need to be put first in my opinion. They need to know that their best interests are being placed at the top of both parent's list and both parents need to back that up. It is my hope that the bride, when asked "why wasn't daddy at my game like XYZ's daddy?", she replies "because son your daddy is out of town so he can earn money so we can have/do this that or the other."
That goes both ways.
Well all that is to say I never would want the bride to put me first. She doesn't. I would be disappointed if she did.
I think that's the way it should be............ what do you think? Do grown folks that feel like they should be or need to be placed atop the list selfish? Are they lacking confidence? Are they suffering from low self esteem? Let me know what you think.
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21 comments:
Veronica and I long ago made a commitment to ALWAYS be home for a family dinner. Does work sometimes interfere? Sure, but usually it's because of circumstances beyond our control.
You make a good pt about parents needing their own time together, to foster and preserve their relationship (and sanity!). Which is part of the reason the kids ARE NOT coming to Vegas with us this weekend!
Good stuff Sage
LOL-- my real and in depth opinion is and will be stated tomorrow...but NO I don't think they are lacking in confidence or that they are sissified.
Parents do, like u and Hubman said, need time away from the kids to stay "sane" and the kids need it also--adults can drive kids crazy! :)
There is a point when one parent can get too wrapped up in their children, which sometimes becomes their escape from their partner, sometimes on purpose and sometimes subconsciously. It is not good for a healthy marriage.
Good point to put into ply Hubs. The dinner thing is good!
Shelle, ur odd.
Sage...coming from u I'm okay with that :)
I think a lot of this has to do with perspective. Looking at "mom having time to herself so she doesn't punt the kids to the moon" as putting the kids first is a fine way to look at it. I look at things the same way--I'm doing for myself b/c no one else will and you can't pour water from an empty pitcher. However, I put my husband on that list of being first right there with the kids. Probably not to the same extent I do for the kids b/c they need my help more than he does, but he goes to work all day to meet our financial needs. That leaves just me to make sure that his other needs are met. That means I make dinner (as much as I hate it) b/c he shouldn't have to do that when he gets home from work. I do the shopping and cleaning and laundry, etc etc, b/c he shouldn't have to do all of that after a hard day of work. Does this mean I always take care of these things on my own? Ummm, no. But, that's the goal.
I have always said - Us first then the kids. That means, the kids are fed, taken care of, loved, we go to all school/sports functions, family activities, family dinners, etc.
I think there are MANY couples, who put the kids first or actually in the way of a great partnership the couple could have. kwim?
And uses the kids as an excuse on why there is no "couples time"
We can't go out - because of the kids, we can't have sex, because of the kids. We can't.. because of the kids. The kids are more of an excuse, than actually "first"
And soon, you see those marriages don't have much in common with each other.. except those kids, who will grow up and move out and there you are stuck with a person you don't know.
So yes kids first, to a point. And actually showing your kids how much you love their dad or mom and that you spend time with each other is a gift to pass on to them. SO they have a normal, loving relationship someday.
Ok, I really blabbed, sorry, lol
great post.
I am going to start this by saying that I am needy and selfish and I know it.
With that said, my daughter will always come first to ME. She is mine. However, I want to come first to my man. I don't really expect it, but that is what I want.
What can I say other than read the 1st line. And I am a chick.
This topic reminded me of a conversation my hubby and I had when our first child was born. Before kids, my life was wrapped up around my hubby, he's all I think about, love, everything was him. Then when our first child was born, I was actually surprised that my love could pan out like that to wrap two people in it, know what I'm trying to say? The baby was more vulnerable so she was taking more of my attention and his..so we were both wrapped up in the baby.
I don't know but I'm sure a lot of you have gone through this where when you're holding a little baby in your hand, you commit yourself to loving that baby and do anything in your power to protect that baby and of course in that thinking you start imagining physical dangers that might befall your child.
Sorry, I need to cut this short...
So hubby and I were talking one night about what each of us would do and who would we save when in case of a life threatening emergency.
He asked me.."who would you save if all of a sudden our place were on fire?" without hesitation, I told him the baby, of course. I asked him the same question and his response was "me". I asked him why me and not the baby (I guess I was a bit disappointed, I was hoping he would say the baby) but he said since he know in heart of hearts that given the choice I would save the baby, he picked me because while he's saving me, I am saving the baby, in that sense both baby and I will be saved. He said when he asked the question he was actually hoping I'd say the baby so that way he would actually be saving us both. I thought that was kind of sweet.
So answer your question...I don't think a spouse is selfish if they wanted to be placed top of a list. We do need to put our spouses on top of our list and vice versa but not to the extend where the kids are neglected.
I agree that sometimes I get over emotional and demanded that my hubby put me first because I've spent all my time and day taking care of our kids, putting their needs above mine. And the same goes for him...he's out there working to take care of our family, who else is going to look out for him or put his needs above else but me?
And I agree with these ladies already, esp. Missty...there are actually people out there who use their kids as an excuse not to take care of their relationship with their spouses. The kids will be grown and moved out of the house so the couple will be back to just being the two and their relationship needs to be strong to stay together. I would hate to think the only thing I have in common with my hubby is our kids. We'd end up killing each other the very first moment the last child is out of our house.
You do have a good point Sage..put the kids first as far as needs go but not so far fetched that you put your relationship with your spouse to suffer. Aight, I'm babbling on so I'll totally shush up now...LOL.
alright- I will say more after Shelle has her say. But I think it is possible to have both.
I want my children to learn what a healthy relationship looks like so that when they are searching for a mate they know what to look for. In order to do that they need to see their parent's have a healthy relationship -right?
Now, I am home so that they can have the best that we can offer them (and I am obviously not talking about material things here) Hubby comes home and shows interest in them first and their day, concerns, activities etc. But the kids also know that mom and dad need time and when they are talking that is not to be interrupted (unless you are bleeding)
They also know that we go out to be closer as a couple. It is our way of staying connected and not killing the kids (for me) Kids that can't see their parents have a relationship will not learn what one looks like.
So, yes - they are high up there in importance but if there is not a stable foundation to build our family on the kids will suffer. When we aren't good as a couple the kids aren't in a good place either - the tension spreads.
maybe i said it all, maybe I won't have anything for Shelle's side - but I doubt it ;)
I think that your kids AND spouse should be first. As one of the other comments said, people can get too easily wrapped up in their kids and not make time for each other.
If I had to choose to save my son or my husband from a burning building, of course I'd choose my son. So yeah, I'd put him first in that situation.
This is a great post!
Heidi, sounds like we agree!
Missssssssssssssssty, hmmm interesting tzke. My reply would be that the way I see it is that the kids are my charge since I decided to breed em. So I should put them first even above my happiness.
Dzni,
some things come standard issue with z vagina, I factored that in with "and other things I don't understand."
anjeny
I cried some @ the first comment.
anj
hmmmmm
well I would take my relationship with my kids over the one with the bride. I only get one shot @ rising them, shes a grown up she cn get over it. Dr. Phil makes a living on kids who weren't put first it seems to me.
agin though I surely see chicks seeing it that way.
Jules
again from my POV the kids have NEEDS the bride or hubs has wants.
I dunno but if the kids re good then I'm good, if I can be good then she cn too. Im not suggesting shes a second class citizen, dont get me wrong but just that if shes 30 years old+ she needs to get over it is my thinking (or him)
april
well that wasnt the question really. Others first I get though.
Good points Sage - In reply to your answer to me. I think good parents put the kids first above our own happiness, to a point. I mean I was not out shopping and out to dinners with the girls, etc. Doing "my thing" Because we have kids, and they are first.
BUT I was out occasionally with my husband, and we spend quality time together... making sure we have a great relationship to raise those kids.
I so agree with your "my kids my charge" That I NEVER even did carpools. My kids - I will take and pick them up where they need to be. BUt if and when there is spare time, it was "us" time for my and my love. Pretty much above anything else.
Ok cool. We are on the same page then for sure!
yes, but I do both. I am amazing that way. the kids have all they want and need, and we work on us as a couple too. Both are possible.
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