Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Group Therapy-Is his sex drive normal???

Welcome to Group Therapy: where we help each other through advice and comments!

"My husband and I have been married for just over a year. And I'm throwing this out there to see if this is normal.

My husband wants sex all.of.the.time! I mean, morning, and night, and sometimes in the afternoons at our lunch breaks. I can barely keep up with him! When we first got married I just thought it was the over excitement of finally being able to have sex (we waited until we were married to be sexually active), but now I'm just plain worn out! It hasn't gotten better or lightened up, if anything, it has gotten worse!

I understand sex is important in a marriage, but I'm getting to the point where I get up really early in the morning, quietly, so as not to wake him up so that I can get a break. Night time is unavoidable, he will wake me up no matter if I pretend I'm asleep or not, it's just easier if I give in and get it over with!

A few afternoons a week I sneak lunches in my bag for work so that I can work through lunch so I don't feel guilty for not going home. Only because I need a REST. I need a break! I'm was not born with such an extreme sexual drive!!!

I tried talking to him once and he asked if I felt like I needed to see a doctor to get a pill so that my sex drive would match his!?

He says he's normal and that I'm abnormal. And why wouldn't I want sex since it feels so good?I don't want to be a prude, but I think there should be some sort of balance right? Much more of this and I'm afraid it could be a really serious problem for us or me!

Please any advice or validation would help! I'd actually laugh at this if it wasn't ME going through it!--Frustrated beyond measure!"

***If you have any questions or problems that you would like to have addressed in Group Therapy please email me at blokthoughts@gmail dot com orrealworldvenusmars @ gmail dot com.

Leave your advice in the comments, comment on other comments, and feel free to comment Anonymously.


Anonymous said...

Get him a blow-up doll!

No, seriously. It seems that all he wants is to pop his rocks at his leisure with little thought for the recipient.

Does he understand that, generally speaking, women need a bit of a build-up before any sort of meaningful sexual activity? And that, generally speaking, for most women in a long term relationship, sex MUST be meaningful to be pleasurable?

Is the sex good for you? And by good, I mean, are you enjoying each and every roll in the hay? If not, and it sounds like this MAY be the case, or very soon will be, then you need to talk to him about it. Preferably when he's NOT on top of you . . .

stupid smart girl said...

You've tried doing it his way for a year, and it isn't working for you. His response to your concern is alarming - to assume that you are abnormal because you don't agree with him, well, that sends off all kinds of red flags.

You have the right to say no if you don't want to have sex. Marraige isn't about getting what you want all the time. It's about compromise and considering the other person's feelings and doing your best to meet their needs. If he expects you to meet his needs but won't consider yours, well, that's just wrong. Perhaps you can work out some compromise - have sex more than you wish to, but less than he wishes to.

It is very very common for one partner to want sex more than the other. It's a big issue in most marriages at one point or another. And honey, when/if you start having children, and are getting up at night, etc, you sure ain't going to want it MORE than you do now!

Straight talk is in order here. It is good and right for you to express your wants and needs. Don't just give him his way all the time. Stand up for yourself.

Big Blue House said...

Ditto on what 'stupid smart girl' said.

Relationships ARE about compromise. He should be thinking about you also.

Anonymous said...

Yeah you are going to have to sit down and have a talk. Not fun, but necessary. If sex has become a "chore" then it's not good for your marriage. Yeah, sometimes we suck it up and do it b/c the other wants to, but when it's ALL THE TIME, no one should have to "put out" like a robot like you are doing. Kind of ruins what sex is really about. Does he know how you feel? If not, when you explain it to him he hopefully will understand that you aren't there to simply have sex "at", but "with". And he'll see that when you do it wholeheartedly it's MUCH MUCH better sex. Quality, not quantity is what counts, IMO. And if it's better you may find YOUR sex drive increase some. Good luck.

Meagan said...

I would say its normal that a guy thinks about it a lot, but actually thinking that you would want it that much is not normal. You should show him some stats about how often married people have it. There are people out there that go months without doing it! My Hubby and I are on an every other day schedule. It works for us and for when we want to start trying to have kids. Obviously there are days when we do it more and less but I think you need to let your husband know that its not you, its him and try to come to a compromise.

Anonymous said...

I agree, without even the slightest bit of hesitation with Stupid Smart Girl. ESPECIALLY when she wrote;

"His response to your concern is alarming - to assume that you are abnormal because you don't agree with him, well, that sends off all kinds of red flags."

That is NOT ok for a husband to say this. It is rude, inconsiderate and bordering on verbal abuse (in my opinion).

Instead of a doctor, as he suggested, why don't the BOTH of you see a sex therapist? Maybe there's a reason for him having such an active sex drive. Maybe there's a reason for you have a less active sex drive. And maybe there's a compromise that the two of you can come to.

At the very least, he can use his hand and masterbate every once in a while. Heck, why not take some naughty pictures of yourself, put them a pretty album and let him enjoy them :D It would make a pretty awesome Valentine's Day gift.

Funny Farmer said...

I'd like to see some more men comment on this...

It seems that your hubby has certain expectations about married sex. Indeed, I have talked to men who waited until marriage to be sexually active, and their feeling is "hey, I've waited my whole life I DESERVE it as much as I want it." And while it's true there is a lot of pent up demand, it's not a mature or realistic way to look at it. You are a person too, and have needs. I agree with the person who said that sometimes you have sex when you don't really want to, as a gift. But NOT twice a day! Um no, that's excessive.

Sometimes we'll have sex every day for several days in a row, but normally it's more like every other day. And of course not at all at that time of the month (my hub doesn't mind, but I DO. EW!), or if one is under the weather.

And dude, nothing annoys me more than being awakened from a deep sleep by groping hands. IF he wants to spoon and snuggle me until I'm awake, fine, but don't go burrowing and caressing to wake me up! He's being selfish and not respecting you by demanding it so much.

DGB said...

Shelle Tweeted that she wanted a guy to comment here I am!

I can understand this to a point. This is a new sexually active relationship. You guys waited until married to have sex. To all of us, think about that first year in a relationship. You're in the bedroom all of the time. You're up all night doing it. But gradually over time that fades and you find a more normal rhythm.

I'm guessing that your husband is a younger guy, cause let's face it, us guys tend to slow down a bit when we get older. He's like a kid with a new toy and he always wants to play with it.

You should not have to live your life in fear of him trying to hump you all of the time. You need to set some boundaries and he needs to respect the "no". If he's got urges all of the time, he needs to learn to take care of himself. There is hundreds of hours of free porn on the internet. Give him a bottle of lotion and some tissues and tell him to give you a little bit of breathing room.

Danielle said...

I am going to take a wild guess and say that you don't have kids yet.
That will slow him down.

Quinten said...

Hey there, so far from what I have read most things have been covered but I'll kinda cover them again.

I do agree with stupid smart girl, who stated, "His response to your concern is alarming - to assume that you are abnormal because you don't agree with him, well, that sends off all kinds of red flags."

Just this alone tells me he thinks sex as something he is 'entitled' to. There is no passion or love to it with this mentality.

On the issue of a sex therapist, I would suggest this but for other reasons than just to see why he has a 'high' sex drive.

In a nutshell you shouldn't have to have sex everyday. Its not healthy for the relationship or for you. Also some people tend to forget that NO means NO even when you are married. Most states have laws on the books for marital rape, and it does happen more often than people will admit. I could also go on about the psychological side but this post would be extremely long then.

Just suffice to say, even as a guy, and I enjoy sex, and making love ALOT, someone wanting it EVERY day like this is out of the norm.

The Bare Essentials Today said...

I think part of it is, is he just having sex? Are you getting anything out of this? Is there foreplay, does he make it enjoyable for you or is all about his satisfaction?

I personally have a high sex drive (but maybe that's because I'm not in a relationship so it's all I think about!) but his response to you was definitely alarming. You are in no way abnormal!

Anonymous said...

"On the issue of a sex therapist, I would suggest this but for other reasons than just to see why he has a 'high' sex drive."

Sorry, I probably should have clarified my whole statement about the sex therapist lol.

I agree, there are plenty of other reasons, not just finding out why he has a high sex drive or why she has a less high sex drive than her husband. I simply meant that if there is an actual reason behind this (and not a "just because" type thing), the sex therapist should be able to help.

Hope that clarifies my suggestion a bit better.

Missty said...

Wow. I would be a little worried. Is he havin sex just for himself? Are you being satisfied? It is a bit much, and he needs to see your side as well,not say your abnormal, etc.

I am with some others here - maybe he just needs to take care of himslef sometimes.

And sorry but this is a good reason to test the waters before marriage.

Just Jules said...

Guys need sex. It is a primary NEED for them. However, three times a day? Wanting it 300 times a day is normal but not having the sense God gave a slug seems to be an issue here - not to be mean to your man. But, this is something learned. You control it. You may want it - but you wait.

He needs to understand you and your needs too. Not doing so is inconsiderate and selfish.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

I think he needs to be thankful you are so willing to assuage his "needs". But of course he probably doesn't get that.

You see I waited until I was married and guys that wait also have this unrealistic idea in their heads that once they get married that they should be having sex at least 7 times in a week one time for each day!

You just have to tell him NO sometimes. Instead of avoiding him just say, sorry I can't right now, I can't get in the mood.

Talk about it though, do it now because the more you are open about sex in your marriage the better your sex life will be, trust me.

Good luck!

Mr. B said...

My first response is that it isn't that unusual for a man to want sex multiple times a day, especially in the first few years after marriage. It is unusual for a wife to provide him sex whenever her wants it. I am mostly struck by the way the question is phrased. This woman seems to believe that she has an obligation to provide sex to her husband whenever he asks for it. Is this one of those "traditional marriages" where the husband makes all the decisions and holds all the power, and the wife is a house cleaner and cook?

This isn't a question about sex drive as much as it's a question about power dynamics. Is it normal for a man to want sex all the time? It's not uncommon. I would love to be having sex multiple times a day every day. But if my wife is not in the mood, we aren't going to have sex. My wife is not my personal concubine; she is a life partner. What would happen if this woman said 'no' to sex? The claim that she is abnormal to not want sex is both a complete misunderstanding of the female body chemistry and also an attempt to control his wife through belittlement and intimidation.

A loving husband would care whether his wife is enjoying sex. The occurrence of his orgasm is not proof that she is enjoying the encounter. He doesn't seem to be listening to her opinions. If she is overwhelmed by the amount of sex, he should be looking for solutions. As a red-blooded male I can say, if he is not satisfied with sex once a day, he is being unreasonable. Most men have to settle for sex once a week, and be happy with that.

If she wants a creative solution, she can try tying him up and teasing him indefinitely and seeing how long her can maintain an erection. I somehow suspect that this love-making doesn't last very long. Is this husband giving her oral sex? Is he making sure that his wife comes first in all things? I think a creative solution is for the wife to take the initiative and tell her husband what to do. Insist on different positions or make him stop and wait so that he doesn't orgasm too quickly. Men like a woman who tells them what to do in bed, if he won't put up with that kind of direction, then this isn't about sex - it's about power.

Sex is not meant to be a chore or a responsibility. Sex is meant to be fun and pleasurable. If sex isn't enjoyable your marriage is headed for trouble. You need to have a conversation with your husband, and he needs to listen. One thing I have learned in my marriage is that a woman needs to be relaxed before she can be aroused. If sex is a chore, you will never be relaxed enough to become aroused, and you will never enjoy sex without arousal. He also needs to wake up to the fact that men and women are different, and what is normal to a man is not normal to a woman.

Finally, without good communication, most marriages will fail. You need to talk about this with him. Do not just give in and have sex to avoid a fight.


The reason this is happening is most likely psychological. You see sex as something you "owe" your husband, and that's wrong. Sex is an act of love between two people. It should only be done when both people want to and both are into it.