Who's That Girl?

Well hello there. Been a long time since I posted over here, I know! I have been going through some major relationship issues as of late. It's only now that I realize, while I have been slackin' with Venus and Mars, it's probably the best place for me right now. But before we get into any of that, I have a little story I want to tell you. 

Once upon a time, in a land far away, just outside Detroit, I was a girl with a dream. I was a single mother with a 1 year old in tow. I knew I needed to figure out what I was going to do with the rest of my life and get started on it. 

I had always been immersed in the world of art, starting at a very young age. I was always drawing, and sometimes painting. I took many classes to fend off my feelings of insecurity, about the craft. But deep down I knew, no one can really make a career out of drawing. 

That was until I realized, I was in MI, and tattooing was legal there. I took the bull by the horns, walked into a studio and made fast friends with one of the old dogs of the tattoo world. I got an apprenticeship immediately. I never felt as “at home” as I did in the studio. It was a one man show, and the owner, Doc, ended up being the closest thing I had to a father... EVER! 

I wanted it so badly, that I worked 10 hours a day, six days a week there. The apprenticeship did not pay, so in order to support my daughter, I worked the graveyard shift at a gas station. I went on this way for months, exhausting myself. I ended up in the hospital at one point, but it did not slow me down. I was on my way to being a rock star of the tattoo world, and nothing ever tasted so sweet. 



The Inner Demon

And then one day, I had to come back to the East Coast on short notice. Not long after that I met my, would be, husband. In the time that we dated, I purchase my own tattoo equipment, almost $4000 worth. I was determined to continue on my journey, and worked on myself and my friends. I occasionally made the trip back to see Doc, where we would spend the day in the studio working on my skills. I was getting good, and I was building a client list. People who only wanted to be tattooed by me. During that time, tattooing became legal here. But by the time I was ready to go back into that world, I was pregnant and engaged.  


Irish and American Indian Heritage

We'll just skip right to the end of this story. Shortly after we were married, my husband informed me that he didn't want me to get any more tattoos, because he didn't want to be married to a 'biker bitch'. Oh and it wouldn't be good for our relationship, if I went to work in a studio. What he expressed was we were a young family, and I would be spending to much time away in the evenings. 

So I put my dream away. I put on my happy face, and calmed my inner wild child. I eventually took my tongue ring out, and tried harder to conform, to not rock the boat, to keep the peace. A fat lot of good it's done me. It's been 10 years since I walked into that studio. And everyone one around me is miserable, most of all me. 

I still dream, at night, about working in the studio. About getting the tattoos I worked out in my head all those years ago. Thinking about it now makes my heart feel like someone is squeezing it. 

About a month ago, after another screaming session with my husband, I sat and thought about my life. I spent a week seething with anger, waiting for him to say he was sorry, again. When I realized that this time, it was not coming, I started to think about what I want out of life. For the first time in a long time, I put everyone else on the back burner. I decided it was time to be a little selfish. 

With a little patience, I managed to work the barbell back into my tongue. It's my armor, it makes me feel like the tough girl I used to be. Before I settled for someone elses idea of what my life should be. 

It took him 2 days to notice, but when he finally did, I decided it was time to tell him. I am going to try to get back into the tattoo world . It's been 10 years, so I will need to re-apprentice. But I don't care. I need this so badly, I can manage to put everything aside, and focus on what I need to do to make this happen. 

He is not happy. I tried to explain it as nicely as I could, but the point was, he doesn't have a choice, or any say in the matter. I used to be a bad ass. I used to have the temper of a raging bull if you pushed me too far. I used to walk around, all my ink show, proud. I used to have a mouth worse than any drunkin' sailor. I used to be outgoing, and make fast friends. I was strong and confident and beautiful in my determination. I was on my way to being a rock star in the tattoo world. I am none of those things anymore. 

Somethings that have changed are for the best. My children don't need to hear my former foul mouth. And the chances of me ending up in jail, because I hit my husband with a vacuum while he screamed horrible names at me... slim to none! But I miss the person I used to be. I want to be that happy go lucky person. I want to look forward to getting up every morning. I want to hear peoples life stories, while they sit in my chair. I miss helping people heal part of their pain through a tattoo. I want back the excitement of planning a piece of meaningful art. To see it realized in their skin. To be humbled that they would wear my art, for the world to see.


Dealing With The Lose of a Newborn

I am not sure how this life would have turned out if giving up my dream had made a difference.  If my husband was not always angry and hateful.  It might have been worth our happiness then.  But that's not the way it turned out.  So... I am choosing my happiness over him.  When the girls go back to school in the Fall, I will begin the journey again.  And I will find happiness in the person I used to be, whether he stands beside me or not. 


Shelle Edit: Is there a way to make this work AND their relationship?  Is it fair? Is there a compromise? Or has Missy compromised enough?


Missy

Honey Do... Something

Holy crap... I was just posting this funny video I found on the internet to my blog, and I remembered, 'Shit, I'm supposed to post to Venus v. Mars on Friday.' So maybe my procrastination in this post makes it entirely void! Or does it? The difference between Sexy Papa and myself: I remembered that something needed to be done, and even though I have been up since 4am, and I'm dead tired, I am being responsible and fulfilling my commitment.

OK, so I have this little problem. His name is Sexy Papa, and he is a horrible procrastinator. On top of that he is sort of a slob too. I don't ask much of him. Hey, I get it. He works a "real" job... yada yada yada! Not like I don't have 3 part time jobs, outside of motherhood. But whatever.

There are somethings I can't do around here, or that he would like me not to do... him being the man with the power tools and all. For instance, when my youngest daughters drawer front came off the drawer... I heard "Oh, I'll take care of that. I'll bring my drill home this week"

4 weeks later, and I am still looking at the broken drawer sitting in exactly the same place I left it. And I couldn't help but think 'Could you at least bring home the drill so I can fix it myself?'

This is the story of my married life. Before I met him, I did everything myself. I am the one who originally built the dresser. I could have fixed it. But I don't want to insult him. He gets irritated if I just skip the middle man and the hassle.

So tell me? Is this a common problem? "To do" lists sitting full for weeks or months? Is it just Sexy Papa? Or am I just being a crabby.... you know what?

Oh, and if you wanna check out that funny video...
Left Field Missy

He Said She Said: Satellite/Cable/TV

Every Thursday, two of our contributors are asked to take opposing stances on an issue and present a case for their viewpoint. Comment and tell us who you agree with or what you believe or think! The topics are suppose to illicit a response and start a conversation in comments. Enjoy!

TODAY'S TOPIC: Satellite/Cable TV. Is it necessary?

SHE said:

In general, I could live without TV. That doesn't mean I don't enjoy it, but I could live without it. Internet is another story for another day. That being said, I think cable is not only acceptable, but beneficial. The key is balance and guidelines.

For the kids, TV, and all the cable programming that comes with it, is a privilege, not a right. On a good day they each get to choose one, 30 minute, show. That means no more than 1.5 hours of TV, per day. It does not mean a free for all, to choose anything they want. I am very strict about what gets watched. For example, no Sponge Bob. The girls know what they are, and are not, allowed to watch. For as many bad programs that are offered by cable, there are just as many good ones. We opted for the Discovery tier, which opens up a whole world of educational TV for the kids.

Any of the girls can lose the privilege of watching TV for misbehaving. I find that it is a good currency.

Another important aspect is balancing TV with other childhood activities. Creative activities and outside play for example. On a typical day, when they get home from school, they eat snack and go out to play for an hour. When they come in, they do homework. Once everyone is done with homework, if there is time before dinner, they can watch TV.

For my husband and I, cable means DVR. DVR means we can watch "our" TV when it is convenient for us. I generally watch TV during the day, when no one else is home, while I fold laundry. My husband will watch a program when he gets home from work to unwind. Then there is the one and only show we watch together. Thanks to the DVR, we can watch that after the kids go to bed.

For us, cable has not meant more time planted in front of the TV. It has offered better choices in what to watch. For the kids, it's more educational. For my husband, it's Food Network. For me, it's all the wonderful food my husband is inspired to make... I mean news whenever I have a free moment. Without it, I would be limited to stupid reality shows, and soap operas.

Just like any time-consuming extra curricular activity, you have to make good choices. You can't ignore the real people in your life for the TV. Just because you have access to more programming, doesn't mean you need to watch it all.

Missy

HE said:

What she said.

No, really. I'm not stupid!

I was going to go on and on about how having access to literally thousands of choices makes for a remote-controlled lifestyle where one subsists on show after banal show. Where one sits down and just starts flipping through the channels and stops to watch a minute or two of this or that before heading to the next must-see offering.

But that would be how it goes for some people. People unwilling to set limits, on themselves or on the children. People with zero imagination or energy.

Clearly, Missy is no such people. And I can't argue with a single thing she wrote.

Is having satellite/cable in the home wrong? Absolutely not.

Is having satellite/cable in the home a must? Again, absolutely not.

Is satellite/cable in the home necessary?

I grew up in a home where the TV often came on before the lights. It was the ever-present glow over every meal. The disruptive, chatty, obnoxious Buttinski, ruining nearly every meaningful conversation. Benny Hill and Carol Burnett and Ricardo Montalban were my babysitters.

And then came cable. With its nonstop marathons of mayhem and doting detectives and music videos. (Well, actually, that last part was pretty cool. Especially back when they played videos. Remember those?)

And now? Well, it takes every ounce of my extremely diminished willpower to keep from turning off the TV when we go over for a visit. I just can't stand the inanity of it all. The way it sucks you in and won't let you turn away, even (or, perhaps especially) from the more ridiculous stuff.

Now don't get me wrong: I love to do stuff that involves a TV. I play the occasional video game. my favorites including the Silent Hill series and any game that requires a guitar controller. And I am an avid movie viewer: I have a Blockbuster membership and get my money's worth. My library's collection of episodic shows on DVD has been perused and used regularly. (Most recently, it was The Wire. My God! After those 60+ hours, I'll never watch another Jerry-Bruckheimer-Dick-Wolf-produced show again.) The same goes for the rest of my family. They have things they like about the TV and, for the most part, they use it wisely. (Currently, it's nonstop Apolo Ohno. I hate Apolo Ohno.)

But their needs to be limits. And Missy covered those nicely. She also pointed out some nice alternatives to spending hours in front of the tube, to which I'll add some specific examples that my family enjoys:

1) The Library. Find the one in your town and go get a card if you don't already have one. Each of my children got their own library card when they turned five. Sure, the fines pile up occasionally, but I can eat those easier than a cable bill.

2) Family Game Night. I know. It's an overused platitude, but it works. We have a closet just for games, ranging from the simple (Uno) to the more time-consuming and complex (Arkham Horror). Sometimes everyone joins in, and at other times it's just a select few. Regardless, it becomes a habit. One that leads to conversation, laughter, and the occasional argument. The stuff of life. Real life. Not the crap you see on TV. Your Family Game Night doesn't have to look like the one on TV, with all the saccharine smiles and whoops of joy. Make it your own.

3) Read something! See #1. And when you get your basketful of books home, grab one, grab some couch, and crack that cover. We don't do this as much as we used to, where everyone sits down together and just enjoys a book. But it's not rare to find someone hanging out in their favorite corner, or in my favorite chair, curled up and reading. There is enough imagination-inducing goodness between the covers of most any book to easily rival whatever TV has to offer.

Our TV? Not a flat screen. It's 27 inches of big, fat monstrosity that likes to shut off on its own right in the middle of the good parts. I have rabbit ears hooked up to the digital converter the government made me buy. I am told that I should probably consider getting hooked up. Verizon won't leave me alone, wanting me to upgrade to the latest mind-blowing package deal. And I probably will eventually. But I'm glad I've taken the time to ensure that TV-watching is a lesser priority.

It sure makes things just a little bit quieter . . .

Alright, people. It's your turn. Is satellite/cable TV necessary? Is television in general necessary? Can you live without it? Should you live without it? Can we live without it? Sound off in the comments . . .

[Flickr image by kevinzim and is protected]

You Spent How Much???

I think for most women, shopping is a fun activity. We all do it for different reasons. Some have to have the latest and greatest fashions. Some are in it for the hunt, of a great bargain. Some women even refer to shopping as therapy.

I will admit, I do love to shop. In my defense, I shop for others mostly. I like coming across something that, So'n'So must have, and being able to buy it for them.

I did mention "mostly" right? I do have a personal addiction that can be very costly. FABRIC! I love to sew. And when I started sewing again a couple of years ago, I became obsessed with fabric. Now, my spare bedroom has been turned into a studio and it's wall to wall fabrics. When you consider that I buy high end fabrics, $8 to $13 per yard, you realize that a big chunk of money is sitting in my studio. And don't even get me started on the machines.

My addiction to fabric is why I started selling my creations online again. I needed something to do with all the stuff I was making, and some funds to support the habit.

My husband used to get irritated with the amount of money. With rude or nasty comments about my spending on fabrics. Until last Christmas that is.
I hadn't even been selling for a year yet. So he couldn't see any profits. All he saw was the spending. Until Christmas shopping season began. And all of the sudden, I was getting orders almost everyday. And by the time it was all said and done, I had paid for Christmas. What I made online covered it all. Which worked out great, because he was unemployed last Christmas.
This year, he has been very encouraging. Excited even, about my Christmas sales.

So yes, I do love to spend money. On all sorts of things, not just fabric. But I also realize that in order to have this privilege I must also contribute. Everything I buy, that isn't considered a 'need', more than pays for itself in the long run. My husband is usually understanding. The bills come first. We pay for everything with cash, so we owe no one. I think it works out well in the end.

I have opinions about women who don't work, but run through the household money like water. I have met them. And I feel sorry for their husbands. But that's all I am going to say on the subject.

How about you? Do you know someone who is out spending all the money, while hubby is busting his butt to earn it? What's your opinion about this sort of behavior?

Missy
Life In Left Field

Socially Inept?

The question is:
What do you do when your significant other is socially inept? Does that affect what you do as a couple together? Is it a problem or not?

First lets look at the definition of inept

I don't think that accurately describes my husband. I think the word "retarded" is more appropriate. Hi my name is Missy, and my husband is Socially Retarded. Which is a stark contrast to myself. I am a take charge, get in there, get the party started, kinda girl.

In his defense, he has always been that way. When I met him, he had 1 friend. The same friend he has had since Jr. High. Funny thing is, the friend is more like me than hubby. Outgoing and social.

He does not: 1) like big crowds 2) new people 3) bars or clubs 4) change 5) my family. My family has grown on him, but it's taken 8 years.

This used to be a problem for us in the beginning. And it still can be on occasion. But mostly, those of us around him, know how he is, and we just deal with it.

He would much rather have the family cookout at our house than go to my Mom's. I think he feels more secure and in control when he is the host. Plus he loves to cook and it gives him something to do rather than talk to everyone. Somehow it works out.

I think this one comes back to compromise. Sometimes he goes with me and the girls to family events or outings. Sometimes we go without him. If he is feeling particularly grumpy, I'm just fine with him staying behind. If I force him to go he is just going to be miserable and crabby. Why bother?

The good news is, since he met me he has doubled his friends... He has 2 now!

Missy
Life in Left Field

P.S. I am having a Giveaway on my blog.

The Order of Business: FUN

What do you and your partner do for fun? No, you pervs, not that kind of fun. Normal everyday, you could do it in the middle of the street and not get arrested, fun.

Sexy Papa and I go through stages. I find that it's very easy for us to fall into our daily routines. Walking around like zombies, trying to get done all the things that need to be done. We easily forget that we are a couple who likes to have fun together.

Sometimes we will spend a whole weekend in bed watching old movies, being bums. I really like that. Not naked, just together. There is lots of time to talk to each other and share.

Other times we waist away a weekend on the Wii. Taking turns whooping each others butts at Wii sports. Something about winning makes me really happy. It makes him happy to see me get excited about winning. We poke fun and taunts at each other.

It's been a pretty long time since we did something fun together, though. Like I said, it's easy to fall into everyday life. But this weekend I was looking through some of my old drawings, from when I worked in a tattoo studio. We got to thinking and one thing led to another, and we opened an Etsy shop together.

It was a lot of fun collaborating on the t-shirts and onesies that we came up with. We worked together, bouncing ideas back and forth. Laughing, having fun with it. He thought he was clever when he wanted to put “Who's My Daddy?” on a baby t-shirt. It was funny, but I had to over rule him.

Then once we had settled on the layouts, I got down to business prepping the art. I found he was standing behind me so I asked “What are you doing?” “Just checking things out.” he answered “Plus I really just like to watch you draw.” That was nice.

Now we are really excited to see how it goes. Yesterday, when he got home and wanted to see how far I had come. This is good for us. We have a project together. A common goal. And it's fun.

That got me wondering what everyone else is doing for fun. So how about it? What do you guys do together for fun? I mean besides the obvious?

Missy

Left Field Missy

Missy Talks About Sex part 2

Continuing on our discussion of sex and making it work better for our marriage...

Let's Talk About Sex Part 2

What else is standing in the way of a great sex life?

Exhaustion? Even if the wife doesn't leave the home, she has also worked all day. If you have young kids at home, you should resign yourself to the fact that your sex life is going to change.

Stress? If there is a lot of crap going on, kids having a hard time in school, car payment is going to be late, Mother-in-law is coming for a visit, it's hard to put it out of our heads sometimes. Remember women are initially aroused in their brain, as opposed to visually, like men.

Anxiety about sex itself? Knowing that your husband/wife is expecting sex can be stressful. This is when it begins to feel like just one more thing he or she is expected to get done in a day.

Environment? I know that I am not aroused, when my house is a mess. A messy house is very stressful to me. I feel like everyone should pitch in, even if I am responsible for keeping the house nice. It makes me angry when my family makes a mess without cleaning it up. Especially when they seem to have no regard for my feelings. If I am feeling like the unappreciated maid, I won't be feeling like a lover.

Fighting? Fighting amongst yourselves is a sex killer. I have heard “The best part of fighting is making up.” But I don't believe it. In fact, I have never met one couple who ended a fight with sex.

What can be done about the things getting in the way?

Exhaustion: Even if you don't feel like your wife works, trust me-she does! Your not going to change her mind about this. The sooner your on her page, the better off you'll be. She wants to feel as though her work is recognized and appreciated. And, every now and then, she needs a break. A bubble bath is probably not the ticket, unless you can guarantee the kids won't be screaming at each other, or bothering her.

At least one day a week, I leave the house and do something, by.my.self! I am not a complicated person. Sometimes it's just grocery shopping without the kids. If my husband checks the mail and finds a flier from our local fabric store, he will give me 20 bucks and tell me to go have some 'me time'. Whats important about that is, it was his own idea. And when the kids fuss because they want to go, he explains to them that I need time away by myself. Big points for Sexy Papa. Fabric shopping by myself-very arousing. If he has put the kids to bed by the time I get home, bonus points.

Stress: Very often there isn't anything we can do to eliminate stress. Understanding when your partner is stressed out is key. Maybe instead of thinking about sex, the husband and wife talk about the stress and try to come up with a plan to battle it. There is no harm in trying. Maybe all the time spent together, talking, will lead to sex later. Maybe the problem gets solved and you have sex to celebrate.

Stress in men is often alleviated by some down time. I think it's important for my husband to have some time to himself when he gets home. So if he doesn't start talking to me right when he gets home, I don't go yack his ear off with my day to day crap, unless it's important. We'll have time to talk later when the kids go to bed. He needs to get over the stress from work before he can even hear about the stress at home.

Anxiety about sex itself: My wife should give me sex whenever I want it. Not so long ago, my husband belonged to that school of thought. Guess where that got him?
While he was feeling entitled, I was feeling like it was another chore. Chores=not fun. I resisted, he became grumpy. "I guess I'll go to bed, not like I'm getting sex anyway." I heard that a lot. Finally one day I turned to him and said "talking about all the sex your not getting is not a turn on to me." His pouting like a 2 year old before he even tried to coax me always made me go cold. The light bulb started to flicker for him.

Stop bugging your wife for sex. Matter of fact, try to go a couple of days without bringing it up. Just to see what happens. I can tell you, my husband is a much happier boy. He still pouts on occasion, but only if it's been a really long time.

While we're on the subject, a long time is MORE than 14 days. Most married people don't have sex everyday. The average amount of times married couples have sex is slightly more than once per week. Look it up!

Environment: Try pulling your weight around the house without expecting sex as a reward. No married couple should be using sex as a tool. Occasionally my husband will pitch in on a marathon cleaning session. Somehow he has figured out that if the house is clean by Sat. night, he is more likely to get Sunday morning sex. If he is home when I pull out the vacuum, he offers to do it, because he knows it hurts my knees. Those little things make a big difference to me.

Fighting: Screaming, throwing things, slamming doors. These things create a terrorizing environment. Gaven DeBecker wrote something that basically stated: Men fear that a woman will reject him. Where as a woman fears that he will kill her. We aren't so far removed from the past that we don't realize that it can happen. And if your screaming at your wife a lot, she is wondering when it will get turned up a notch. She is wondering if your going to hit her.

Think about the reason for your fighting. Determine it's weight in your relationship. Is the thing your fighting about important enough to wager your marriage on? There is a time in every relationship where the issues are important enough to fight about. That being said, fighting should not be a weekly event.

Would you scream at your boss the way your scream at each other? How about your mother, or even a stranger on the street? Doesn't the person you love deserve at least as much respect as you would show a passing stranger?

How often do problems get solved by fighting? I know I didn't feel satisfied after a good screaming match. Neither did my husband.

Whatever it is you can do to get away from this scenario, DO IT!

Missy

Life in Left Field

Missy Talks About Sex part 1

See, I got you interested in the s e x with my title. No it's not that kind of post.
Just my opinions on some things I have figured out. But thinking about these things has helped me, so I want to share.

Let's Talk About Sex part 1

I am of the opinion that the battle of sex, in a marriage, comes down to a simple old phrase:

Wife: Whats mine is mine and whats his is mine.
Husband: Translation--She gets sex whenever she wants it. I get sex, only when she wants it.

Now, I realize that not all long term relationships are defined in that way. Everyone is different, if even just a little bit. But I bet, if you asked 100 husbands, the majority of them, would identify with the previous statement.

Lately, I can't get enough of Sexy Papa (my hubby). Maybe I am hitting my "prime"? That seems odd to me, as I am still 29 and holding, but whatever.
Suddenly it doesn't sound fair; that Sexy Papa doesn't get it whenever he wants it and I do.
Since the days of the submissive wife have long since passed, men are left pondering..."I thought once I got married, I would get laid all the time. What the hell happened?"

I have been thinking about this situation for a long time now. Trying to figure things out, in order to better make our marriage work. I want to have more sex with my husband, I really do. But it seemed as though some unknown force was standing in the way. I have come to understand some things that I am eager to share with the rest of the married world.

First, and most important, in my opinion, is honesty. I think it's high time we, as a demographic, got over the Junior High giggles, when it comes to talking about sensitive issues. Women, this is especially important for us.

Second, we have to get over our own selfish needs and be able to listen, hear and ponder the honesty which we are about to receive. Guys this one is especially important to you.

There are many things that can and will go wrong, making it impossible for a woman to want sex.

What if the wife has gas? It happens right? But do we tell our husbands? Nope. We just shrug off his advances, leaving him to believe 'She just doesn't want to have sex with me.'
Why can't the wife be honest with the husband? Maybe she is afraid he will tease her. Maybe she is still holding out hope that he believes her to be the perfect human being, who doesn't produce any bodily functions, which might offend someone. News flash ladies... Your husband has figured it out. Your only human. Get over it.

The honesty part is a whole lot easier, when we know that our husband is listening to us. It's hard to spell it out for men sometimes, so let me try to do it now.

Question: Why can't a woman want sex when she has gas?
Answer: Because she wants to relax and enjoy herself with you. It's hard to do when your concentrating on not farting on your husband. Do you have kids? Have you ever noticed your wife cross her legs before she sneezes? She does that so she doesn't pee on herself. Her abdominal muscles don't work as well as they used to, on their own. You want your wife to enjoy herself don't you? She is not going to relax enough to have an orgasm if she holding back gas!

What about those of us who feel a little less than beautiful? Maybe we are having issues with our weight? This also happens, frequently.
The husband wants to see his wife naked. The wife wants to keep the lights out and her shirt on. The truth about this situation is:
Your husband thinks your beautiful. He especially likes it when your naked. He loves all of your part, perfect or not. They make you who you are.
AND
Your wife is much more relaxed when she feels comfortable. She might even be willing to try something new in bed, if she felt sure you weren't going to try and relieve her of her shirt.

What if the wife was honest, and told her husband "I feel much more comfortable during sex with my shirt on."?
What if the husband pondered the honesty and then said "I love it when your naked. Your perfect to me. But if you feel better with a shirt on, I can accept that." And then don't try to take her shirt off.

Third, but still important is compromise. Don't forget that you decided to spend the rest of your life with this person. Your a team, and it takes work. Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to.

My husband and I are working on these daily. For instance, when I tell him I have gas, he understands. Because I am able to be honest with him, he doesn't feel abandoned. He makes a fart sound with his mouth, we both have a laugh, and no ones feelings are hurt. It's important for both of us that he knows: It's not that I don't want to have sex with him, it's something else, that neither of us can control, and life goes on.
We compromise about my shirt too. I usually wear something that he thinks is sexy, like a white tank top. If I am feeling up to it, I will wear a sexy camisole or short nightie. He understands that I am more comfortable, and that the sex is more important than the naked.

Missy
Life In Left Field

Real Life V. Fantasy

Did your parents read you fairy tales as a child? Did those fairy tales help to mold the way you thought about relationships? I think I was somewhat disillusioned as a child. I think subconsciously I let those fairy tales influence how I viewed the men in my life.

It took me far to long to figure out that having sex with a man didn't mean he was my knight in shinning armor. Far to long to realize that the fairy tales were full of fluffy crap that had no basis in reality.

Don't we want to guide our children through the tough reality of “life ain't fair”? I wonder if we read more fairy princess stories to little boys, would they try to be more like the handsome prince? Of course not. Because those stories set the bar to high, there are no perfect people.

So why then, do us girls let ourselves believe in the magic? Even still, why do we continue to entertain little girls with these fables? Is it really fair to them to emphasize the best thing that could happen to a princess is to meet prince charming and fall in love, living happily ever after.

This whole thing seems to me like old wives tales or urban legends. Once we figure out that those things are not fact, we tend not to continue passing them on.

As much as it's no fun for us girls, it's also not fair to the men in our lives. If we have high expectations that no man can live up to, they have no choice but to fail. They were doomed from the start.

Could this explain some of the problems long term relationships have? Can we better prepare the next generation by post scripting those stories with a bit of the truth?

Left Field Missy

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder?

My husband and I have been married for almost 6 years... as long as you count the 1 ½ years we were separated. Now I know what people say about abusive relationships: If you keep going back, he is not going to change.


Let me be clear. My husband never hit me. I have very strong feelings about physical violence that I won't get into here. But when my husband was mad, the whole world was going to know about it.


After about a year of weekly screaming matches I'd had enough and kicked him out. At that point in our relationship, we were 2 different people, with very different views on how life was supposed to be lived.


I was very serious about this. I went to court, got custody of the kids and restraining orders. I took him to court for child support. We mediated about visitation. And he, grudgingly, went to anger management therapy.


Some other significant things also happened. He lived on his own for the first time in his life. He was responsible for his own bills, and getting them paid on time. He made friends outside of our relationship, and interacted with their families. It was during our separation that he began to understand that the only person accountable for what happened to him, was him.


A lot changed in that year and a half. I found the no nonsense, not taking anyone's crap, girl I used to be. He saw that I didn't need him to provide for me. Finishing his anger management along with some other changes made him a much calmer person.


I had the opportunity to see him change. Not for me, but for himself. Because I had made it plainly clear, I was not going back to him.


Through all that, I never stopped loving him. And there came a point where we were friends again. Our relationship grew without the expectations of getting back together.


We started living together again almost 2 years ago. As a married couple. I can probably count on 1 hand the number of fights we have had in that time. We just deal with things differently now.


Our separation was painful and stressful for everyone involved. It was an uphill battle that, for us, proved to be worth the work in the end.


What do you think? Can separation be good for a failing relationship?



Missy
http://left-field-missy.blogspot.com/