Monday, October 5, 2009

Level Playing Field

I find it more than a little ironic that men hit their sexual peak beginning in their late teens and women hit their peak anytime in their 30's and/or 40's. Who thought this was a good idea?

Maybe it is helpful to keep our peaks at different times to keep us from being cooped up in bed for 10 years or so.

Okay- so here is the topic- what do you do if your spouse is not as interested in sex as you are? I had a very interesting discussion with FiM about this as I was pondering what exactly to write. The topic, which usually ends up making me giggle as we open up to each other, brought on a serious discussion. So I am gonna tell y'all how it was for us. Hope you won't mind the personal touch to this post.

When we were first married FiM was a horny devil. Who wouldn't be, he was a virgin and was SO ready to get rid of that title. Plus, he is a man. Of course he was constantly horny. I, on the other hand, had some baggage that I brought into the marriage (but still a virgin) and was very scared of the prospect. So, here we are, on different spheres, trying to make the intimacy thing work for us.

I majored in Human Development, minored in Social Work. Had to take a lot of classes on the human body and on relationships, emotional as well as physical. I know about the needs of men and women. But it is totally different understanding the different needs.

There were MANY times I was so proud of myself. I would take one for the Gipper... "giving in" to his needs. I thought I was a fabulous wife, helping him fulfill his needs, not realizing the many times he let one go for the Gipper, knowing that I was not up for sex.

Now, here we are... 10 years into a great marriage, 4 kids later, and I have hit my peak. WOW! I think I am finally beginning to understand the need FiM felt. And, with that understanding I feel HORRIBLE! The physical need that I am constantly feeling is overwhelming. If he felt like this, I have to say, he is the best man to ever live. He set aside his needs when he knew I wasn't up for it. Never demanding...even when I would offer to "just lay there". We are finally on somewhat level playing field and I am grateful I understand him better. I know that he understands me and my needs.

K- so now that you know WAY too much about me... I want to put it out there... does this sound familiar? Was there ever a point of realization when you or your spouse really understood the needs of the other? How did you and your spouse deal with the differences in desire and drive??? Let's discuss...

12 comments:

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

I don't think I could ever want it as much as my guy wants it...seriously they can just be up and ready anytime...I think for me to be like that I would have to take Viagra for women or something!?

If I had a small glimpse of how hard it is to shut that down once its started I would probably be a lot more sensitive to those needs...

So what I'm saying is, you have been blessed :)

ZenMom said...

In the last year or so - since I hit my mid-30s - I keep feeling like I need to apologize to my husband for the first 10+ years of our sex life. ;)

Because, yeah, I suddenly have sex drive of a teenage boy. Makes for empathy.

Fortunately, the Husband's libido hasn't declined at all with age. So we are both enjoying the ride right now. ;)

But we've had some interesting conversations speculating on Mother Nature's patterns.

Not to go all science-geek on you, but, if you think about it, it kind of makes sense.

Biologically, men are driven to spread their genetic material while it is most viable - ergo: Strong sex drive in the younger years.

Whereas women are biologically preconditioned to be focused on survival of offspring at that stage - a goal that is not supported by a stronger sex drive.

By mid-30s, progeny are (statistically) more capable and fertility is declining ... I like to think of that last little sexual oomph as a kind of reward. :D

Makes me wonder, though, what our evolution will bring next? With the advent of greater control over fertility and contraception and the trend toward having children later .. will our "natural" cycles adapt in future generations?

Fascinating stuff ...

Oh ... I actually did go all science geeky, didn't I? Sorry. Carry on with the sex talk. ;)

Youngblood4ever said...

k- viagra for women might not be a bad idea Shelle. I am totally enjoying the ride. But you still have a few years till your scheduled peak is to begin. Watch out!

ZenMom- YEAH for us! Love you explanation. Here is my geeky-science question for you... How long am I going to be enjoying this surge??? I really don't want it to end.

Southern Sage said...

Well it has always been my belief that enthusiasm means far more than just getting to the O. I would rather do it myself than her "just lay there". I would guess that when men cheat it is nearly always due to the spouse being n unenthusiastic lover. I think Shelle is right that no matter what age I can't imagine her (any her) wanting it more'n me. Ever.

Plus men r straight line thinkers. If n O is good to you, then why would you ever not want to have one? If it feels good, then why wouldn't want to do it? If you want me then why wouldn't you give what I wanted enthusiastically? If it costs you nothing then why not? Does it hurt? If it doesn't hurt then lets get after it! etc etc etc

(it can't be that hard to fake enthusiasm!)

Youngblood4ever said...

Oh Sage- you make me smile. Did you eavesdrop on my conversation with FiM??? I am thinkin' ya did because he pretty much said that same thing to me. He isn't in to getting an O if I am not showing at least a little bit o' enthusiasm about the situation. Can't say I blame him. I have a lot more fun if he is into the activity!

Steph said...

I like ZenMom have felt bad in the past b/c of the first years of marriage with DH. He was interested, but I was ho hum about sex. Now that I am in my peak along with a change in birth control, I am ready all the time.

Good thing for me, my guy is ready too. Makes for a great match. Thankfully my guy didn't throw in the towel for me.

And Sage, my guy didn't want me to just lay there either. lol!

Anjeny said...

Oh Julie...you do bring up the most interesting sex talk. I was going to say that maybe there is something wrong with my hubby wanting it all the time even now when I thought he'd be slowing down since I am at my peak but then after reading Sage's comment, I feel better knowing my guy is normal after all.

Like ZenMom, I did feel guilty too about the first ten years of my marriage, now that I'm at that stage you are Julie because my poor guy had to go without a lot of times.

I guess could actually justify that fact that my lack of enthusiasm and maybe our limited sex was based on sleep deprivation, nursing and kids. Glad that the hubby was more understanding of that.

And he's a lot happier now since I am actually the one initiating sex...I am definitely making up for lost time and he's one happy camper...LOL.

Just Jules said...

I only have a moment as I steal away to the computer - not suppose to be here :o

ok - I brought baggage - a lot. My hubby had a huge sex drive. I had huge physical issues that related to sexual parts. Uggg it was horrible.

I remember a wife/co-worker telling me that sometimes you just have to "do it" Guys need it.

It wasn't until I took the time to realize a guy really physically needs this and that - really once I got going I liked it. I just took a while to warm up. Like my car in the winter - the motor has to be started and left to warm before I can expect to drive it. We now know that I can not go from holding a baby to lying on my back screaming - there is transition time and "motor warming" necessary.

As I start to get into that 30's peak I get it more. I get it, yes I get it. However, now my hubby is either being vengeful or is truly stressed because sex has set back in importance for him.

OR maybe, just maybe because I want it more - he still wants it the same - it just seems like less. Ugggg sex... who knew it could be so hard?

Just Jules said...

I only have a moment as I steal away to the computer - not suppose to be here :o

ok - I brought baggage - a lot. My hubby had a huge sex drive. I had huge physical issues that related to sexual parts. Uggg it was horrible.

I remember a wife/co-worker telling me that sometimes you just have to "do it" Guys need it.

It wasn't until I took the time to realize a guy really physically needs this and that - really once I got going I liked it. I just took a while to warm up. Like my car in the winter - the motor has to be started and left to warm before I can expect to drive it. We now know that I can not go from holding a baby to lying on my back screaming - there is transition time and "motor warming" necessary.

As I start to get into that 30's peak I get it more. I get it, yes I get it. However, now my hubby is either being vengeful or is truly stressed because sex has set back in importance for him.

OR maybe, just maybe because I want it more - he still wants it the same - it just seems like less. Ugggg sex... who knew it could be so hard?

Hubman said...

I just asked Veronica about this topic, maybe she'll come back and comment herself...

We've been lucky, in our 19 yrs together, we've been pretty well matched the entire time. Sure, there have been times when we weren't having sex as often, but that was due more to mis-matched work schedules, grad school, babies, etc. The basic desire between the two of us has always been there and about the same.

You thought ZenMom got science-geeky? Look out...

Viagra does nothing for stimulation. In men, it helps *maintain* an erection, is does not *cause" one. Same for Levitra, Cialis, etc. Same for in women, it can help maintain blood flow to the ladybits, but won't cause an increase in the first place.

And if that wasn't science-geeky enough, ask me about Viagra and phosphodiesteraze-5 inhibition ;-)

Anonymous said...

I have wondered if we would adapt also, because sex drive is increasingly decreased during those first years of a childs life because you are just SSSOOOO exhausted!

And I was early twenties when I had my kids!

So I can't imagine being older.

My sex drive is incredibly better now that my children are older, but I don't desire as much as I know the great outcome so I don't push away when he wants it, plus like it has been said the babies NEED it...rolls eyes! Lol

Shelle-BlokThought via blackberry

Youngblood4ever said...

Thanks everyone for your awesome thoughts. I was really hoping Veronica would make an appearance, but thanks Hubman for your "geeky" talk. Interesting!

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