Shelle Edit: I met CityMom over at The Urban Cowboy's site. I wrote a Monday Maverick for him and then She did! I love her enthusiasm and the way she is so day to day real on her blog. She is newer to blogging than most, but by reading her blog and the way she comments, you wouldn't ever know. We welcome her as a Guest Contributor and check out her blog after she writes about why women take each other's man!
Catty: "Is that him?" (eyes tall, dark and handsome male working his way through crowd)
Polly: "Yes! How do I look?" (keeps eye on male)
Catty: "I told you! You look great." (checking her own reflection, Catty ignores Polly and eyes Polly's fiance as he approaches)
John - the mate - reaches Polly, swoops her up in his arms, kisses her and hugs her tight. Over Polly's shoulder John spies Catty who is giving him a sultry, come-do-me once-over...
Sound Familiar??? You Betcha. Catty is the classic "poacher". If a girlfriend has him, then she wants him too. Now, I'm not talking about threesomes. Personally I think that's more of a MFM success story but that's another post topic.
Is there a female out there reading this who has NOT had a girlfriend try to poach her date, mate, husband? Yes girls, a lot of us have done this...ugly as it may seem this behavior is quite common AND one of the "mating strategies" that has lead to the successful continuation of the human race.
And what about John, our gallant hero? The devoted mate is so focused on Polly that he wouldn't even notice another female putting herself on the table...right?
Wrong! Research shows that male "short term mating" (fling, affair, quickie) dates back to the stone age when part of the males' job was to reproduce many times to ensure survival of the tribe. Where a female could at best produce one child per year (not getting into multiple births here), a virile male could produce, in theory, a child for every willing female in the tribe.
While this mass reproduction is no longer necessary in our society, the behavior patterns for men and women survive and are still in practice. In a recent survey, one of the reasons listed by women who engaged in short term mating was "getting something" in return. Jewelry, dinner, clothing. This tendency is even more pronounced if the female is in a marriage with a male who does not provide adequately for her. Law of the jungle. The old man has no money so she's out shopping around for something better. So much for better or for worse.
The guy, well he wants the quickie enjoyed by his ancestors. Basically, men who cheat lower their standards of selection (since they have no longterm interest in the one nighter they don't care if she'll produce quality offspring). In fact, the male of our species prefers to meet the female and bed her as quickly as possible. He then experiences a marked drop in his attraction to her, and bolts for the door. According to cultural anthropology this can be traced back to the early need to copulate for reproduction's sake also.
Whatever. I think that some people always want what they are not supposed to have. Or maybe they think of the other person's relationship as a test. Hmm, she's happy with him. He must be a good guy. Think I'll snag him.
Although research shows that men and women poach a lot. In fact - this shocked me - men actually poach more! I've always thought of this as a female specialty.
The men I know have always stated that it's an unspoken rule of "Men's World" - you just don't do that to a buddy. Ok, so maybe the poacher doesn't know the guy. That would make it ok in "Men's World"? Who knows?
My most memorable experience with a female poacher was one of my college roommates. Let's call her "Susie". Susie liked sex. Plain and simple. Now mind you she was selective. She looked around, found what she wanted and went after him.
Her tastes were diverse. She usually saw 3 or 4 men at the same time (not all at once, but concurrently).
The first time I realized this about her was when her mother told me she enjoyed meeting the guy I had been dating. Funny thing is...I never introduced them. Seems the minute I left town for a week Susie and Joe were rutting like rabbits. When I returned there was ZERO, I mean no behavior change on either of their sides. Furthermore neither one of them was particularly repentant when I did find out.
What makes these folks tick? They couldn't stand each other as people. They just wanted to shag.
Then (yes, I roomed with her after that - long story), while she never poached me again over our four years as roommates I would sometimes have to sit in the living room visiting with the guy who arrived to pick her up so she could shuttle the afternoon squeeze out the back door!
There were at least 3 married men who she didn't want any part of except the sex. Oh, and one math professor who must have been 50! Yuck - we were like 21. He had a gray beard and a pot belly. Why would she want him?
So my point is rather lost in this rambling but while I agree there may be some psychology of evolution behind "poaching", I think basically there are always folks who take what they want and don't give a damn if anyone gets hurt in the process.
And mind you, none of the men were blameless. They all knew they were married or committed and they all knew what Susie wanted.
So what do you think? Is it ok for a man or woman in a committed relationship to grab some on the side? Why or why not. Do you and your partner have a share and share alike relationship?
Let's hear from you.
Thanks for reading.
6 days ago