My body, My relationship...

(This is one of those post that you hit publish and you feel open and naked to the world because you have just revealed something completely personal).

"You need to stop putting yourself down. You look great, you should be thankful for what you DO have." (At this point in my mind I roll my eyes and think "yea right I look great, do they want for me to compliment them back?")

I get told this all.of.the.time.

I really really wish I could.

I wish I could make my mind see what other people see. I wish I loved my body as much as my husband does. I WISH I didn't compare myself to people on magazines because in my mind I KNOW it is the expertise of someone who is really good at Photoshop.

I wish I was okay with how my body looked.

And I do go through phases where I give myself the right affirmations every morning… that if I tell myself enough that I am beautiful and Gosh Darnit people like me my body that I will actually believe it, but those are short lived and I go back to seeing my body the way I see it.

Image taken from HERE

You have to know that I naturally come by a very competitive personality. In this respect, the respect of body image, I'm ALWAYS comparing myself to others. I can blame some of it on media, showing us women that are extra skinny but have great boobs or women that have these shapely bodies and NO cottage cheese or fat to speak of. Sure it may start with that. Maybe it was that in middle school I was put on fat pills by my Mom, I could blame her for it, but I begged her to let me.

If you were to ask me about my body growing up, this is a good example of what I might say to you:

"A short history I grew up dancing. I was always taller than most of the girls. So therefore my body frame was bigger. I have always had a waist, which to me, made me think my hips were to big. I just needed to lose those last '5 pounds'. Then I started my period and on came what REALLY is described as hips and boobs. I hated my breasts! I was a dancer and not the type of dancer where big breasts were beneficial! So I would double up on bra's and sucked in a bit more.

Then my freshmen year of high school I had ANOTHER growth spurt and then I was too skinny! All legs. And my hips disappeared. I had NO shape. I wasn't happy about that either! I remember the next year after I made the high school dance team we had a summer swimming party and I went to go flip off the diving board (I also dabbled in gymnastics) and one of the Senior girls yelled, 'Get some meat on your legs!' I took that as the worst kind of criticsm. I was so self conscious of my legs after that. You see, no matter HOW much I ate I never could gain weight because I danced all.of.the timw, early in the morning, after school, sometimes during school. It was my life. My short shorts didn't look as good on me because I had chicken legs and my friends had these nice shapely legs.,"

I wasn't big enough, I wasn't small enough. I was and am never satisfied. I don't know if I ever will be.

My husband gave me a few years of reprieve. I have never felt so beautiful as the time from when I first met him until I had my first child. I mean, I got attention from guys growing up, but I always looked at them as friendships and couldn't imagine them thinking of me as anything but a friend. He made me FEEL beautiful, I don't know why it was different, but it was, at first. He made me feel of worth the way I was. Ya know that song by Jessica Simpson, "With You" that is exactly how I felt and I rode on his confidence of me for a while.

It was really good for our relationship. The sexier I felt the more he "got some". It was incredible to feel that way.

Then I had my first child. I lost my sense of sexiness. I felt huge and even though I am one of the girls that says, "I LOVED pregnancy" because I loved the energy and how I felt. I did not however, feel sexy, especially when the stretch marks started making an appearance (I do have to say that before I was pregnant I didn't have stretch marks, anywhere...sigh)… which was a downer on our sex life, and that happens to be the part of our relationship that my husband really needs. Nine months he endured, "not feeling it baby" or "maybe after the baby is born". I was NOT one of those women that pregnancy HELPED those hormones AT.ALL.

After the baby it was worse. I didn't slim right down like I should have. I'm sure it was those cravings during pregnancy of late night Wendy's runs and those kids meals I got. Either way, I was not back to my pre baby self and it effected me greatly and my desire to do anything when it came to bedroom play.

For someone that already had a hard time thinking herself beautiful before stretch marks and weight gain it was worse after all of that.

It effects our marriage because I'm always saying something about it. He's a guy, he doesn't care, he still says I'm beautiful--but it irritates him to hear me complain about it. As much as I know this, I can't help it. I try to hold my tongue, but when we are in bed being intimate and he touches me somewhere where I can "feel" the fat… I freeze up. I hate it. Instant mood killer for me.

Even when I complain about it he never says, "well DO something about it" or "You can't say that and then eat that snickers bar fatty!"

My husband can tell me how beautiful I am, how sexy he thinks I am, he can adore my body with his mouth and hands, but if I can't see it… if I'm not feeling that way… it doesn’t matter, he can compliment me until h blue in the face but my mind still says, "Well he has to say that."

About 4 years ago I got sick of talking about it and decided it was time to do something about it. I began working out. That did LOADS of good. Each pound that came off… came a little more sex drive and in turn helped our relationship, but you undo years and years of horrible body image in four years time.

I have realized that each time I start to say a negative that I should turn around and make it a positive. I try to push the thoughts aside and not say as much out loud because I have a daughter and I want to be a good example for her. I don’t want her to struggle with her body image as I have. I want her to see a strong women who eats right and is active who feels blessed for having a body that can do that kind of stuff. So that is what I have been attempting to do and be… for myself, for my relationship, but mostly for her.

Like an addict it is an everyday struggle. It isn't easy for me. Everyday I get up and make myself be active. Everyday I am presented with choices on what to eat and I try to choose the healthy stuff… but sometimes I slip up. Everyday I see something that I hate about my body, that if "this was gone" then I would be happy… and I try to push it away before it becomes a full-eating-away-at-me thought. I realize that I HAVE to do this everyday for the rest of my life.

Because old habits are hard to break and in silence I still can never measure up.

So does your body image effect your relationship? Does it effect all relationships or just the one with your partner? What are YOUR suggestions on how to work through years and years of bad body image?