Thursday, February 25, 2010

Addiction. It isn't just for drugs.

When Shelle asked me to post about addiction, I sat back and realized that I don't have a single person in my life that is addicted to the traditional things to be addicted to. Cigarettes, Drugs, Alcohol, and Sex [all the rage in the celebrity sex scandal now]. I have friends addicted to other things and most importantly, a friend that is addicted to chaos and has an addiction to attention. Now I use the term friend loosely, because once I caught onto this dangerous game of attention, I try and distance myself from them.

We all have those friends. You know the kind that over stay their welcome, come to almost EVERY family function, and call your parents mom and dad (but they say it just like you and not like a friend).
Some of you may say, " No I don't have any of those.". I find it hard to believe that I am alone in this world. So if you don't have friends like that, then you are that person.
There is nothing more awesome than having a close circle of friends. They are there in times of joy, and they are there in times of need. But when does that close friend become a nuisance? I will tell you when.
That friend becomes a nuisance when they come to a family function because their parents "kick them out" and you tell her sob story to your family, and they all start to feel sorry for her. Then because your family is kind hearted they allow her come to again, and again, and again. It's a year later and you sit back and realize that most of everything your friend tells you is 100% bull shit and you can't bring yourself to tell your family. When you do, your parents tell you things like, "oh they are young, its a defensive posture, no one could make all that up, there must me basis for the story."

Your friend went from being a friend, to being a reflection of lies that cannot be corrected without ending the relationship. They have conned you into selling their story of down and out luck to your family and it opens a window for them to start to manipulate you and your family. This type of person doesn't do this for fun, they do this as a method of operation. The type of person probably comes from a large family and has lots of siblings. Many people call this 'middle child syndrome'. So they'll latch on to a friend of theirs who has a smaller family than theirs and will capitalize on their "horrible" parents and childhood. How she is always forgotten by her parents. We will never hear the other side of the coin. We will never hear how she berates her parents or is constantly telling them they don't need them. Never will you hear how most of their problems are completely made up, or how none of their stories match at all.

Now that this has gone on for years, your friend has infiltrated every aspect of your life. It starts with family gatherings, it moves to family vacations, and it moves to calling your parents and family then your friend tells you how your family is. They visit your family on the weekends and it's your friend telling you how your mom got into a fight with your grandmother and it leaves you wondering, why doesn't she visit her own family?

It even goes so far as your parent who owns their own company hiring your friend to give them a stable job, and then they steal the petty cash. When they get caught they tell another lie, and they are off the hook.

When does this type of friend need to have boundaries set? Immediately? Who knows. What you do know is that you wrestle with decision to tell your friend how you feel, but you know what will happen.
If you tell your friend how you feel, they are going to guilt you. They aren't going to be understanding to how you feel. Well at least this type of friend won't understand. They are going to cry, and tell you that you are being a jerk, or selfish, or any other thing they can say to get you to stop telling the truth.

You can tell your parents how you feel, but like how they have in the past, they will tell you that your friend is not a bother, and that you need to stop being selfish. They apparently didn't have as good of an upbringing as you did so have some heart. Little do they know that everything that has come out of your friends mouth has been a lie from the start.

This type of person is out there. I have had more than 1 of these friends and I now pride myself that I myself don't have a friend like this, but I know people within my close circle of friends that do. I hear their frustrations, and this is one problem I know how to fix, but most people lack the courage to make that decision. You need to tell this person to stop doing whatever it is they are doing. If they can't respect that, then they need to take a hike.

This type of friend can go unchecked, and then one day your parents will stop talking to you. Why? Because your friend told a lie, like they are known to do, but this time it was about you to your family.

Its coming. Just wait. There are many lifetime movies that are based on true stories that can prove my point. Being addicted to chaos is something that is just as dangerous as drugs. Because the high they seek is in the attention they get.

Adam-Throwing Quarters


Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

I totally had a friend just LIKE that when I was just entering high school!

She was at my house all.of.the.time and like you said, placed herself as a part of my family.

Sometimes I'd go to hang out with other friends and come hom to her hanging out with the family and giving ME the third degree on where I was!?

It was like she was jealous if I was friends with any other person.

I think the hardest part is finding a way to get rid of them, because MY friend, even after I told her to take a hike, (hardest thing I've ever done) she still came over to hang out with my family!!!

It's true... some people are addicted to attention and drama in their lives. I'm a MIDDLE CHILD though... so... maybe I am THAT friend to other people?


Who knows?

Great post Adam!

MommyLovesStilettos said...

I've definitely had a friend like that. We're no longer friends - but it took me a LOT of years to put a stop to the bullshit.

~DokterKenny said...

This type of friend is a sociopath and actually a very specific type of sociopath that is well documented. This is a dangerous personality type and well worth getting your hackles up about, and yes given time this cancer will destroy YOUR family relationships.

Vodka Logic said...

I have had a friend like this but not as deep as you describe, luckily. I would just die if I was a friend like this...

People who never have anything go right in their lives and always have it worse than you are annoying.

I find I am picky about who I let get close.. perhaps this saves me from these friends

Great post Adam and not one often discussed.

Adan said...

shelle-blok: you are not alone, we allll have these types of friends at one point or another.

shell-the damage caused by the idiots is worse than someone stealing your identity. it takes years and years to let the wounds heal and everyone to move on

kenny: wish i didn't have first hand experience with a person like this and it took me a long time to open the eyes of some people to notice what was going on.

vodka-you are right, this is NEVER talked about much because good hearted people think everyone has a heart in some way so they often ignore the warning signs.

Chief said...

I cant answer too much on this site for fear of someone seeing.

This hits home with me

April said...

To touch on what you first started with, people addicted to chaos, that's my dad. He is not happy unless there's turmoil in his life. And when he can't find any, he'll either create some or start harping on shit that's happened years ago just like it happened yesterday. As a matter of fact, he just called me 3 Saturday's ago all upset talking about this and that. This and that were things that happened FIVE YEARS AGO. No lie. I said, "Dad. This happened 5 years ago. Why are you calling me up on a random Saturday CRYING like it just happened to you this morning?" And I'm not talking about a death or something tragic like that. Oh no, that would be understandable.

*Sigh* Anyway, I've decided that I don't need him in my life and have severed the ties. I cannot deal with his manipulation, lies, and self-inflicted drama. We cannot have a normal father-daughter conversation. He doesn't ask about my life or anything about me. It's all about HIM and what's happened to HIM.

Ok, I'll stop now. But yeah, I know people who are addicted to chaos and it's annoying.