Vodka Logic Says:
Do you stammer when you children start asking you those questions? Have you thought about how you would answer them when the tough questions come up? I know I didn’t and for the most part I have not been asked them and I am not referring to the “how are babies made?” questions or “if Daddy has a penis, what does Mommy have?” questions. I am referring to “Did you have sex before you were married?” or “Mom have you ever smoked pot?” questions. The ones aimed directly at you, that may make you inhale deeply and wonder “now what do I say?”
Do you answer honestly, evade the question, or do you lie? Of course it could depend on what is the real answer. Would it change the way your children think of you if you did use drugs in college [or the past]? Maybe it would depend on the drugs involved. I am not going to go into what I have or have not done in my past but I don’t think I would tell my children about any drug use. If they were very young when they asked I would definitely lie to them, as they may not be able to understand completely. For example when my daughter was young we were talking about drinking and driving with another family and she chimes in “Mom you drink and drive”. I promptly said, “I do no such thing” and it turns out she meant coffee. A very different thing of course but you see my point.
If my child was a teen or older, I probably wouldn’t lie out right but perhaps circle around the answer, again if the answer was yes. The setting is important too, are you joking around or having a serious tete a tete.
There is an exception. If my children were suffering due to drug use of their own it may help to share some experiences. They may need to know they aren’t alone in their experimentation or use. My main agenda in this post though is just the questions that may arise not a family deep in alcohol or drug use. I am sure there are families where the questions don’t need to be asked, the children know from observed behavior.
The question of sex for me is easier. I have children obviously I have had sex and from a young age they know that. I got all the “how are babies made?” questions like most of us get but I have never been asked about premarital sex. As my children are older now, aged 15 3/4 and 21 this month the sex topic is easier. My youngest [both children are girls] winces at the thought of her parents having any sort of intimate relations and the older just laughs. I have had discussions with my older daughter about sex such as don’t forget condoms or please be safe all those parental concerns. I have also told her I don’t expect her to be a virgin when she gets married, most people aren’t these days. It’s her choice of course but as she navigates the dating world and gets closer to possibly finding the one I feel these discussions are more necessary.
I guess I did go off topic in that last paragraph but the point is the sex question probably won’t come up. The question I don’t feel I need to answer is “was there anyone before Dad?” Again, none of their business, if it doesn’t affect [or is it effect] them it isn’t necessary to tell them. I don’t have a problem telling them either, to mind their own business. What happened BC [before children] stays BC.
Adam says:
So what am I supposed to do when my lovely little 8 year old grows up and she is looking for guidance? Do I tell her the right thing or the true thing? The answer should be an easy one, but my counter-part here is having some struggles searching for the answer.
This shouldn't be a hard question to answer. I'm gonna pull a Freud and answer a question with a question. What if you child found out the truth to the question you decided not to spill the beans on?
When looking to someone for guidance, help, or coaching you are assuming that the person who is giving you the advice is truthful, and also walks the walk. I have had bosses tell me what to do, without understanding what it is they are asking. I have seen parents tell their kids not to smoke as they choke on a puff from their Camel Lights. I have seen politicians say one thing, yet do another.
Why is it we need to do the same thing as parents? I have seen parents straight up lie to their kids about their pasts, just to justify two self-serving things. 1. It's not their business and 2. to save face and maybe ridicule from their teenage kids.
Why wouldn't you tell your kids? What are you afraid to say? Are you scared that if you tell your kids the truth, they might actually go out and follow suit?
We are so scared to tell our children the truth, but didn't your parents tell you not to do drugs, or not to have premarital sex? We see how well that might have worked out. Why would you expect your child to actually listen to you, when you yourself defied you parents wishes against it? This is the typical Catholic thing to do. We want to tell our kids what to do, but not actually equip them to make the right decisions. You cannot honestly tell a teenager that having premarital sex is bad, knowing they are going to do it anyway, and not at least tell them what a condom is. I know Vodka Logic said some things to this nature that this is not a problem. My school of thought on this whole idea is, don't hide behind your [self proclaimed] mistakes and let them be a chance to learn and use them to illustrate a point to your kids.
We live in a world of lies. Everywhere you look. The television and movies make having sex for the first time downright glamorous. Little do our kids know that the first time sucks, but it will get better. Or when you take the first hit off the bong, you're going to cough, but the second hit will be better.
We need to give our kids the knowledge so they can make an informed decision. This is something I was taught at a young age. I was never told NOT to have sex before marriage. I was never told that I shouldn't do drugs. I learned about them, I talked about them, and to say the least, I am drug free and I have only had 2 sexual partners. It isn't because the adults around me weren't scared to tell me the truth when asked a simple question. I mean they aren't asking you to smoke up then and there with you. They just want some guidance.
So where do you stand? Pre-teen kids, teens, grown children, will you lie? Will you tell the thruth the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Showing posts with label Adam. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Adam. Show all posts
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
He Said She Said: Joint Checking Accounts
Every other Thursday, two of our contributors are asked to take opposing stances on an issue and present a case for their viewpoint. Comment and tell us who you agree with or what you believe or think! The topics are suppose to illicit a response and start a conversation in comments. Enjoy!
This subject has always been a fascinating one to me so I was excited to voice my opinion.<---I know I AM ALWAYS excited to voice my opinion so shut it..
Me and Duke are "old fashioned". Very conservative. Fairly no nonsense (I'm the boss and he is not)...
When I got married there was no discussion whether or not to have joint accounts. I guess part of this is the way I was raised. You get married, you pool your money (including debt), I take his last name, he takes my parents as his own for better or worse.... snort.
Then I started talking to friends and realized this isn't a universal practice. Some wives get an "allowance", some spouses have separate checking accounts and the bills are divvied out between the two and one person is responsible for the house payment and the other takes care of other expenses.
This was totally foreign to me. Why would you take the time to do this?
DO you not trust your spouse?
If you don't, why would you marry them?
If it isn't a trust issue then what is it?
Maybe each spouse wants the freedom to spend money the way they want to without having to "hear about it" later? Let's explore that a bit...
If we have good communication & organization skills, if we share the same goals financially and are both responsible enough to stick to a budget... then there is no need for this. We should never worry about having to "hear about" ANYTHING in our marriage, right? It should be a mutual respect without fear of retribution.
So what if one spouse proves not to be fiscally responsible, but you love them and this is the only way to keep the peace? I see that... I HAVE seen that in friends. I don't know how I would handle that... maybe I would opt for separate budgets and accounts.
It makes me sad.
To me, Marriage is JOINT. It is TOGETHER. It is a meeting of the minds. If you are unable to do that then I think it may be time to evaluate the deeper problems that inhibit you from accomplishing this.
*waiting for the backlash*
Topic: Joint Accounts. Yes or No?
She Said
Me and Duke are "old fashioned". Very conservative. Fairly no nonsense (I'm the boss and he is not)...
When I got married there was no discussion whether or not to have joint accounts. I guess part of this is the way I was raised. You get married, you pool your money (including debt), I take his last name, he takes my parents as his own for better or worse.... snort.
Then I started talking to friends and realized this isn't a universal practice. Some wives get an "allowance", some spouses have separate checking accounts and the bills are divvied out between the two and one person is responsible for the house payment and the other takes care of other expenses.
This was totally foreign to me. Why would you take the time to do this?
DO you not trust your spouse?
If you don't, why would you marry them?
If it isn't a trust issue then what is it?
Maybe each spouse wants the freedom to spend money the way they want to without having to "hear about it" later? Let's explore that a bit...
If we have good communication & organization skills, if we share the same goals financially and are both responsible enough to stick to a budget... then there is no need for this. We should never worry about having to "hear about" ANYTHING in our marriage, right? It should be a mutual respect without fear of retribution.
So what if one spouse proves not to be fiscally responsible, but you love them and this is the only way to keep the peace? I see that... I HAVE seen that in friends. I don't know how I would handle that... maybe I would opt for separate budgets and accounts.
It makes me sad.
To me, Marriage is JOINT. It is TOGETHER. It is a meeting of the minds. If you are unable to do that then I think it may be time to evaluate the deeper problems that inhibit you from accomplishing this.
*waiting for the backlash*
He Said:
So let's talk about Joint Checking accounts.
For the sake of FULL disclosure, I am a banker, and I write this from a perspective of someone who is married and also from the perspective of a banker, who has seen the ugly side of having a joint account.
Why have a joint checking account? The answer is easy. You either want to be micromanaged by your spouse, or you want to micromanage your spouse.
Joint accounts may have few upsides, but the downsides are rather large.
Many marriages are centered around money. Money = happiness in too many marriages in America, and who cares if it is right or not, it is just the way it is. Everyone wants to say communication is the key to a happy marriage, but I am not sitting around the dining room table having dinner talking about the balance of my checking account.
I understand that my money isn't JUST my money, but rather OUR money. I work and make money to provide for my family, but I have no desire to keep my wife on such a short leash or give the illusion that I want to know what she is doing. You need to give your partner latitude to do what they think is right, because if my wife had to tell me about the purchases she made as she made them, or visa-versa, after a while, you start to think your spouse is passing judgement, not to mention that having a joint account completely messes up getting gifts for holidays. If my wife had access to my account balance details, she would know that for mother's day I ordered flowers, ordered a pandora charm, and that I have money stocked away to take her out for our anniversary. What happened to spontaneity?
I have also seen how joint accounts can break a marriage. If you have two people on one account, and you fail to tell your spouse of your purchases at Target for 37.87 and you used your debit card, you run the risk of over drafting your account and paying a ton of fees. Why pay a fee when you can just manage your own stipend?
Joint accounts are not an ideal situation, it just opens too many risks to pay fees, lose money, and spoil the surprises.
For the sake of FULL disclosure, I am a banker, and I write this from a perspective of someone who is married and also from the perspective of a banker, who has seen the ugly side of having a joint account.
Why have a joint checking account? The answer is easy. You either want to be micromanaged by your spouse, or you want to micromanage your spouse.
Joint accounts may have few upsides, but the downsides are rather large.
Many marriages are centered around money. Money = happiness in too many marriages in America, and who cares if it is right or not, it is just the way it is. Everyone wants to say communication is the key to a happy marriage, but I am not sitting around the dining room table having dinner talking about the balance of my checking account.
I understand that my money isn't JUST my money, but rather OUR money. I work and make money to provide for my family, but I have no desire to keep my wife on such a short leash or give the illusion that I want to know what she is doing. You need to give your partner latitude to do what they think is right, because if my wife had to tell me about the purchases she made as she made them, or visa-versa, after a while, you start to think your spouse is passing judgement, not to mention that having a joint account completely messes up getting gifts for holidays. If my wife had access to my account balance details, she would know that for mother's day I ordered flowers, ordered a pandora charm, and that I have money stocked away to take her out for our anniversary. What happened to spontaneity?
I have also seen how joint accounts can break a marriage. If you have two people on one account, and you fail to tell your spouse of your purchases at Target for 37.87 and you used your debit card, you run the risk of over drafting your account and paying a ton of fees. Why pay a fee when you can just manage your own stipend?
Joint accounts are not an ideal situation, it just opens too many risks to pay fees, lose money, and spoil the surprises.
Okay now it's up to you!!! Comment away. What side do you take? Joint Accounts yes? or no?
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Addiction. It isn't just for drugs.
When Shelle asked me to post about addiction, I sat back and realized that I don't have a single person in my life that is addicted to the traditional things to be addicted to. Cigarettes, Drugs, Alcohol, and Sex [all the rage in the celebrity sex scandal now]. I have friends addicted to other things and most importantly, a friend that is addicted to chaos and has an addiction to attention. Now I use the term friend loosely, because once I caught onto this dangerous game of attention, I try and distance myself from them.
We all have those friends. You know the kind that over stay their welcome, come to almost EVERY family function, and call your parents mom and dad (but they say it just like you and not like a friend).
Some of you may say, " No I don't have any of those.". I find it hard to believe that I am alone in this world. So if you don't have friends like that, then you are that person.
There is nothing more awesome than having a close circle of friends. They are there in times of joy, and they are there in times of need. But when does that close friend become a nuisance? I will tell you when.
That friend becomes a nuisance when they come to a family function because their parents "kick them out" and you tell her sob story to your family, and they all start to feel sorry for her. Then because your family is kind hearted they allow her come to again, and again, and again. It's a year later and you sit back and realize that most of everything your friend tells you is 100% bull shit and you can't bring yourself to tell your family. When you do, your parents tell you things like, "oh they are young, its a defensive posture, no one could make all that up, there must me basis for the story."
Your friend went from being a friend, to being a reflection of lies that cannot be corrected without ending the relationship. They have conned you into selling their story of down and out luck to your family and it opens a window for them to start to manipulate you and your family. This type of person doesn't do this for fun, they do this as a method of operation. The type of person probably comes from a large family and has lots of siblings. Many people call this 'middle child syndrome'. So they'll latch on to a friend of theirs who has a smaller family than theirs and will capitalize on their "horrible" parents and childhood. How she is always forgotten by her parents. We will never hear the other side of the coin. We will never hear how she berates her parents or is constantly telling them they don't need them. Never will you hear how most of their problems are completely made up, or how none of their stories match at all.
Now that this has gone on for years, your friend has infiltrated every aspect of your life. It starts with family gatherings, it moves to family vacations, and it moves to calling your parents and family then your friend tells you how your family is. They visit your family on the weekends and it's your friend telling you how your mom got into a fight with your grandmother and it leaves you wondering, why doesn't she visit her own family?
It even goes so far as your parent who owns their own company hiring your friend to give them a stable job, and then they steal the petty cash. When they get caught they tell another lie, and they are off the hook.
When does this type of friend need to have boundaries set? Immediately? Who knows. What you do know is that you wrestle with decision to tell your friend how you feel, but you know what will happen.
If you tell your friend how you feel, they are going to guilt you. They aren't going to be understanding to how you feel. Well at least this type of friend won't understand. They are going to cry, and tell you that you are being a jerk, or selfish, or any other thing they can say to get you to stop telling the truth.
You can tell your parents how you feel, but like how they have in the past, they will tell you that your friend is not a bother, and that you need to stop being selfish. They apparently didn't have as good of an upbringing as you did so have some heart. Little do they know that everything that has come out of your friends mouth has been a lie from the start.
This type of person is out there. I have had more than 1 of these friends and I now pride myself that I myself don't have a friend like this, but I know people within my close circle of friends that do. I hear their frustrations, and this is one problem I know how to fix, but most people lack the courage to make that decision. You need to tell this person to stop doing whatever it is they are doing. If they can't respect that, then they need to take a hike.
This type of friend can go unchecked, and then one day your parents will stop talking to you. Why? Because your friend told a lie, like they are known to do, but this time it was about you to your family.
Its coming. Just wait. There are many lifetime movies that are based on true stories that can prove my point. Being addicted to chaos is something that is just as dangerous as drugs. Because the high they seek is in the attention they get.
Adam-Throwing Quarters
Thursday, February 4, 2010
He Said She Said: Casual Sex
All I asked of the contributors is that they take one side of the issue and tell us why they believe that! Comment and tell us who you agree with or what you believe or think! The topics are suppose to illicit a response and start a conversation in comments. Enjoy!
TOPIC: Casual Sex. Can two people just have "casual" sex?
SHE Said:
Casual sex is not casual and it’s just that….sex
I am definitely not a proponent of casual sex. I have been on both the giving and receiving end….no pun intend. Well, maybe just a little one!
Sure, I’ve sex with guys in casual relationships. But the key word there is casual *relationship.* Meaning we’ve shared a meal, went out for more than one date, shared a dialogue. Something.
I think there is a certain type of person that is able to have sex with someone (whether they know them or not) and just be able to move on from it. And that person is not me.
Nothing good can come of it. No matter much you go into it telling yourself this means absolutely nothing. Even if you don’t have feelings for the other person. Even if you have no desire to see that person again. There is still an emotional string there. Unless you’re one of the guys I’ve had casual sex with!
I’m not proud to say that I’ve done this before. Well tried to anyway. I met some guy online and it had been a while for me. A girl has her needs too! There was some attraction there (there has to be at least that!) He was younger than me and I knew that I wanted nothing more to do with this person than to just sleep with him. He didn’t want anything more either. So we agreed. We would meet for a drink, then go back to his place, have a little fun and move on.
Well, drinks were awkward to say the least. Neither of us had anything to say to the other one. The only positive that came out of the drinks was that he paid. And that’s not much.
After the cocktails, we headed back to his place, which was conveniently really close to the bar we were at. We didn’t say anything to each other. He just led me to the bedroom and we had sex. It was pretty good too, actually! When he was done (yes, he. Are you surprised that he didn’t care to try and help me climax? I’m not!) he threw me a towel, walked out of the room and asked me what I was going to do for the rest of the night.
Now, like I said earlier, I knew I didn’t want any more from this guy than to have sex, but it still feels really, really dirty. I felt terrible afterward.
That is exactly why I cannot just have sex with someone. No matter how much I tell myself there won’t be any feelings involved there always are.
Mine.
I start to feel guilty, not worthy. Like why am I disrespecting myself like this. I’m better than that. And while none of those feelings were for him, I still had them. Even though I didn’t feel any of those things while we were actually having sex, they always creep back into your head after the fact.
But again, this is just my opinion. I know plenty of people that can do this on a regular basis and never bring in the emotion that I do. Or do they?
Really, I feel that it boils down to respecting yourself. If I treat myself and my body like it’s public property, how will I ever meet someone that’s truly interested in me and in being just with me. How can I ever expect anyone to respect when I freely give away what is truly precious and special. Myself and my body. It feels like I’m making myself a doormat for guys to just come and sleep with me whenever they want and not have to give anything in return. Namely, respect. What guy would buy the cow when they are getting the milk for free?
So, this doormat has been officially put away. Until someone with honorable intentions comes a knocking. At least with my vibrator…I’m the one doing the using and I can guarantee you there are no emotions involved. And I always make sure I *take care* of myself first!
HE Said:
When I read what SHE said, I am forced to offer a point of clarity. Trolling the internet looking for someone to 'do' is not casual sex. To argue that casual sex is wrong, or that it isn't for you, you must know what you are saying no to.
Casual sex is not having sex with some anonymous partner from the internet. Casual sex is having an understanding with someone of the opposite sex. If it evolves to bumping bathing suit parts together at the end of a drink, then so be it. But casual sex is not an orgasm-less experience. This is probably why SHE isn't a fan. She got a douche-bag in the sack. Congratulations, be glad you didn't marry him.
To have a good causal sexual experience you must be very up front with the other party. Hey, we're gonna do it, make sure I get mine too. The point of casual sex is to get off. It isn't about cuddling after. It isn't about talking about those pesky things called feelings. It's about unadulterated bump and grinding. [insert R. Kelly here, and yes, i really did intend to use insert and R. Kelly together]
So before you talk down about something that you think is wrong or not for you, make sure you know what you are talking about. Again, let me reiterate, talking with some dude from 'i need to get my pee pee wet.com' then having a drink and doing it, is NOT casual sex. That is creepy. That is dangerous.
Casual sex is more of a business relationship than an emotional one.
Casual sex is not having sex with some anonymous partner from the internet. Casual sex is having an understanding with someone of the opposite sex. If it evolves to bumping bathing suit parts together at the end of a drink, then so be it. But casual sex is not an orgasm-less experience. This is probably why SHE isn't a fan. She got a douche-bag in the sack. Congratulations, be glad you didn't marry him.
To have a good causal sexual experience you must be very up front with the other party. Hey, we're gonna do it, make sure I get mine too. The point of casual sex is to get off. It isn't about cuddling after. It isn't about talking about those pesky things called feelings. It's about unadulterated bump and grinding. [insert R. Kelly here, and yes, i really did intend to use insert and R. Kelly together]
So before you talk down about something that you think is wrong or not for you, make sure you know what you are talking about. Again, let me reiterate, talking with some dude from 'i need to get my pee pee wet.com' then having a drink and doing it, is NOT casual sex. That is creepy. That is dangerous.
Casual sex is more of a business relationship than an emotional one.
Adam- This is his COMING OUT over here at the Real World, he is our NEWEST contributor! But he's been doing this blog thing for a while and just had a new edition to his family! Plus he does kinda pretty cool Podcasts... go check his blog out!
Donna says more................
In response to what HE said:
By the way Clinton, casual sex can be having sex with someone anonymous partner from the internet, or with someone you know. Yes, it’s not the smartest thing to do, but if you don’t happen to have a bump and grind partner readily available to you and are safe about it, what difference does it make? Hence the emailing, texting and meeting for a drink first. So I beg to differ on HIS opinion that I don’t know what I’m talking about. The example I gave was ONE experience that was had. And I do not troll the internet looking for guys to do.
Besides, isn’t that how all relationships are built? Casual sex relationships or otherwise. And yes, I say relationship, because regardless of how much you just think with your dick, there is always emotion involved.
What’s creepy to me is that someone can actually just have sex and not have one single, emotion or feeling afterwards. I am not a fan because I just can’t have sex without emotion. Other people can, I can’t do it. Which is what I thought this was supposed to me about, MY opinion on the subject. Not getting attacked by someone who thinks I troll pee pee wet .com (who comes up with this shit?) and what I did was creepy.
Part 2: Adam says more.........
Donna says more................
In response to what HE said:
By the way Clinton, casual sex can be having sex with someone anonymous partner from the internet, or with someone you know. Yes, it’s not the smartest thing to do, but if you don’t happen to have a bump and grind partner readily available to you and are safe about it, what difference does it make? Hence the emailing, texting and meeting for a drink first. So I beg to differ on HIS opinion that I don’t know what I’m talking about. The example I gave was ONE experience that was had. And I do not troll the internet looking for guys to do.
Besides, isn’t that how all relationships are built? Casual sex relationships or otherwise. And yes, I say relationship, because regardless of how much you just think with your dick, there is always emotion involved.
What’s creepy to me is that someone can actually just have sex and not have one single, emotion or feeling afterwards. I am not a fan because I just can’t have sex without emotion. Other people can, I can’t do it. Which is what I thought this was supposed to me about, MY opinion on the subject. Not getting attacked by someone who thinks I troll pee pee wet .com (who comes up with this shit?) and what I did was creepy.
Part 2: Adam says more.........
So let me put it out there. I have NEVER once ever in my life had casual sex [honestly I have only had 2 sex partners], but that doesn't mean that I think it is bad or have it's place. See I don't buy your argument that you think it is bad. I do believe that casual sex is not FOR YOU. That's fine. I don't think casual sex is good for me. But casual sex is just fine for many people out there.
I think we seem to agree that casual sex is fine as long as it is safe. That is what my argument was structured the way it was. It was designed to get a reaction out of you so you can show us what you REALLY think. It's ok, I agree with you too. Casual sex has it's pitfalls, but I don't think those pitfalls disqualify it from being something that can fill in the sexual side of your life until the next relationship starts.
Relationships built from casual sex NEVER work out. I have had plenty of friends cry on my shoulder from this. Relationships are built on friendship that develop into sexual relationships.
***Note: So to sum it up, SHE thinks casual sex is bad, but has partaken in the act of casual sex. HE thinks casual sex is ok, but has never had casual sex himself.
Interesting.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
When it comes to child support, ex husbands are always rich
Yesterday 'Jen' wrote a post about child support. She wrote that her ex complained about how much he had to pay. She also wrote about how that sometimes she has to chase him down to pay his child support obligation.
For clear disclosure, I pay child support, but I have always felt this way. My situation with that DOES NOT SUCK, but there are many others out there who have a pretty crappy situation! I do understand that the system is not fair for the men, women, and even the kids. Let me tell you a story from the other side of the coin. Let me tell you how it feels to be the guy who watches has his pay check is reduced every month because in my state, they take it directly from your paycheck.
I first want to get this off my chest. The child support system in my state [OH] and many other states is screwed the eff up. The system doesn't promote bettering yourself. It promotes taking from the father and giving to the mother as far as child support is concerned. It is designed to make guys look like the bad guys and ladies look like the fairy god mothers. It is designed to make the man either, not want to get a better paying job, or not care, or even run from their obligation, and it can also make the women in the system not want to get a better job, because at that point, their child support order could be reduced. Let me explain why that is.
Along with child support comes the whole custody issue. These issues, in the court of law, are different. They first decide how much money you both make together. They then decide the child support order. They then decides who gets the kids.
When my first wife and I decided to divorce, money was a huge issue. I'm not going to lie. But we already had a predetermined custody arrangement. It was literally shared parenting. 3.5 days per parent, per week.
You cannot split it more down the middle than that.
In Ohio, the child support system is easy. There is no negotiating. They take income A then add it to income B. They then take that amount and look for it on an inch think table that determines how much it should cost to raise that child/children because let's face it, the politicians have a real grasp of how much things cost. They figure out the percentages of income contribution. So if income A contributes 65% of the total income, then you pay 65% of the total cost of raising the child.
So do you see a problem with this? No? Ok, let me explain more.
Here in lies the issue. Say, in 6 years from now, I get a raise, and then my ex loses her job. We get a summons to go re-do the child support order. They do the math again. Only this time, I make more money that we used to combined, so the amount that it should cost to raise the kids goes up. Then my percentage contribution is now 100%. So where did my raise go? I actually bring home less money now, because I have to pay more. [for the record this is a hypothetical situation, my ex has a job, but this is contemplating the 'what if's'] How is this fair. In essence, I am getting dinged for getting a better job. My ex is getting more money because she lost/quit/or otherwise doesn't have a job. Roles could also be reversed. Say my ex get's a better job, and we got through the process again, she would get less in child support. So where is the motivation for either party to get a better job for either party? Most of the time, the father's order is never reduced.
It's not like she has my daughter more than me. She has her exactly equal parts. I still pay for clothes too. I still pay for shoes too. I still do a lot of things that she also does. But my child support is supposed to pay for all that.
So now that we are having a math lesson, I pay child support for clothes, food, and other things; and my daughter is with me just as much, and I also buy her things like clothes, food, and other things on top of that; so basically, not only am I supporting her at her mom's, but also at my house. I don't understand it. I am basically paying double to raise my daughter. Do you see where this system is a bit messed up? [I don't mind spoiling my daughter at all]
Here is what I think the support system needs a make-over. I think there needs to be accountability on both sides of the child support order. Instead of handing over the cash to one of the parents, put it in a neutral bank account. Both parents have equal rights to it, and the only thing that the money is used for is purchasing things like clothes and school things for the child. They have to be held accountable for their purchases, and at any time, can be audited by the State or county.
Or better yet. Let me take the money I pay and put it into a 529 plan in Ohio and save it for college.
All are better solutions than the antiquated system that is currently in place.
There are guys out there that have to be chased down to pay. I can't say that I blame them for trying to run, but they should never skirt their responsibility and as a man, and parent, they need to step up and take care of their children. Get your ass in gear, put on your big boy pants, and do what is needed. The same goes for the ladies. Don't whine about how much this costs, that costs or how much of a deadbeat parent your ex is. You might only get a few hundred dollars a month, but think about it, your ex is giving you a few hundred dollars a month, and still buying the kids things that child support is supposed to cover. You made the decision to split up together. You both need to share that burden equally.
Don't ever assume your ex has more money, because when it comes down to it, you both think each of you is rich.
*as a note. My ex and I have a very good relationship when it comes to raising our kids. We are one of the few couples who have a cordial relationship. The situation described above is intended to spark a conversation, and not tell you that my ex is a bad person and that I am better. I am trying to illustrate the flaws in the system. This isn't the old time era of Dad's who don't care. My ex and I have a great mutual respect for one another and I suggest that you and your ex also put your differences aside to make sure the kids are raised to be productive members of society. The one redeeming quality of the system is that it takes the arguing about money out of the equation.
For clear disclosure, I pay child support, but I have always felt this way. My situation with that DOES NOT SUCK, but there are many others out there who have a pretty crappy situation! I do understand that the system is not fair for the men, women, and even the kids. Let me tell you a story from the other side of the coin. Let me tell you how it feels to be the guy who watches has his pay check is reduced every month because in my state, they take it directly from your paycheck.
I first want to get this off my chest. The child support system in my state [OH] and many other states is screwed the eff up. The system doesn't promote bettering yourself. It promotes taking from the father and giving to the mother as far as child support is concerned. It is designed to make guys look like the bad guys and ladies look like the fairy god mothers. It is designed to make the man either, not want to get a better paying job, or not care, or even run from their obligation, and it can also make the women in the system not want to get a better job, because at that point, their child support order could be reduced. Let me explain why that is.
Along with child support comes the whole custody issue. These issues, in the court of law, are different. They first decide how much money you both make together. They then decide the child support order. They then decides who gets the kids.
When my first wife and I decided to divorce, money was a huge issue. I'm not going to lie. But we already had a predetermined custody arrangement. It was literally shared parenting. 3.5 days per parent, per week.
You cannot split it more down the middle than that.
In Ohio, the child support system is easy. There is no negotiating. They take income A then add it to income B. They then take that amount and look for it on an inch think table that determines how much it should cost to raise that child/children because let's face it, the politicians have a real grasp of how much things cost. They figure out the percentages of income contribution. So if income A contributes 65% of the total income, then you pay 65% of the total cost of raising the child.
So do you see a problem with this? No? Ok, let me explain more.
Here in lies the issue. Say, in 6 years from now, I get a raise, and then my ex loses her job. We get a summons to go re-do the child support order. They do the math again. Only this time, I make more money that we used to combined, so the amount that it should cost to raise the kids goes up. Then my percentage contribution is now 100%. So where did my raise go? I actually bring home less money now, because I have to pay more. [for the record this is a hypothetical situation, my ex has a job, but this is contemplating the 'what if's'] How is this fair. In essence, I am getting dinged for getting a better job. My ex is getting more money because she lost/quit/or otherwise doesn't have a job. Roles could also be reversed. Say my ex get's a better job, and we got through the process again, she would get less in child support. So where is the motivation for either party to get a better job for either party? Most of the time, the father's order is never reduced.
It's not like she has my daughter more than me. She has her exactly equal parts. I still pay for clothes too. I still pay for shoes too. I still do a lot of things that she also does. But my child support is supposed to pay for all that.
So now that we are having a math lesson, I pay child support for clothes, food, and other things; and my daughter is with me just as much, and I also buy her things like clothes, food, and other things on top of that; so basically, not only am I supporting her at her mom's, but also at my house. I don't understand it. I am basically paying double to raise my daughter. Do you see where this system is a bit messed up? [I don't mind spoiling my daughter at all]
Here is what I think the support system needs a make-over. I think there needs to be accountability on both sides of the child support order. Instead of handing over the cash to one of the parents, put it in a neutral bank account. Both parents have equal rights to it, and the only thing that the money is used for is purchasing things like clothes and school things for the child. They have to be held accountable for their purchases, and at any time, can be audited by the State or county.
Or better yet. Let me take the money I pay and put it into a 529 plan in Ohio and save it for college.
All are better solutions than the antiquated system that is currently in place.
There are guys out there that have to be chased down to pay. I can't say that I blame them for trying to run, but they should never skirt their responsibility and as a man, and parent, they need to step up and take care of their children. Get your ass in gear, put on your big boy pants, and do what is needed. The same goes for the ladies. Don't whine about how much this costs, that costs or how much of a deadbeat parent your ex is. You might only get a few hundred dollars a month, but think about it, your ex is giving you a few hundred dollars a month, and still buying the kids things that child support is supposed to cover. You made the decision to split up together. You both need to share that burden equally.
Don't ever assume your ex has more money, because when it comes down to it, you both think each of you is rich.
*as a note. My ex and I have a very good relationship when it comes to raising our kids. We are one of the few couples who have a cordial relationship. The situation described above is intended to spark a conversation, and not tell you that my ex is a bad person and that I am better. I am trying to illustrate the flaws in the system. This isn't the old time era of Dad's who don't care. My ex and I have a great mutual respect for one another and I suggest that you and your ex also put your differences aside to make sure the kids are raised to be productive members of society. The one redeeming quality of the system is that it takes the arguing about money out of the equation.
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