Thursday, February 4, 2010

He Said She Said: Casual Sex

All I asked of the contributors is that they take one side of the issue and tell us why they believe that! Comment and tell us who you agree with or what you believe or think! The topics are suppose to illicit a response and start a conversation in comments. Enjoy!

TOPIC: Casual Sex. Can two people just have "casual" sex?

SHE Said:

Casual sex is not casual and it’s just that….sex

I am definitely not a proponent of casual sex. I have been on both the giving and receiving end….no pun intend. Well, maybe just a little one!

Sure, I’ve sex with guys in casual relationships. But the key word there is casual *relationship.* Meaning we’ve shared a meal, went out for more than one date, shared a dialogue. Something.

I think there is a certain type of person that is able to have sex with someone (whether they know them or not) and just be able to move on from it. And that person is not me.

Nothing good can come of it. No matter much you go into it telling yourself this means absolutely nothing. Even if you don’t have feelings for the other person. Even if you have no desire to see that person again. There is still an emotional string there. Unless you’re one of the guys I’ve had casual sex with!

I’m not proud to say that I’ve done this before. Well tried to anyway. I met some guy online and it had been a while for me. A girl has her needs too! There was some attraction there (there has to be at least that!) He was younger than me and I knew that I wanted nothing more to do with this person than to just sleep with him. He didn’t want anything more either. So we agreed. We would meet for a drink, then go back to his place, have a little fun and move on.

Well, drinks were awkward to say the least. Neither of us had anything to say to the other one. The only positive that came out of the drinks was that he paid. And that’s not much.

After the cocktails, we headed back to his place, which was conveniently really close to the bar we were at. We didn’t say anything to each other. He just led me to the bedroom and we had sex. It was pretty good too, actually! When he was done (yes, he. Are you surprised that he didn’t care to try and help me climax? I’m not!) he threw me a towel, walked out of the room and asked me what I was going to do for the rest of the night.
Now, like I said earlier, I knew I didn’t want any more from this guy than to have sex, but it still feels really, really dirty. I felt terrible afterward.

That is exactly why I cannot just have sex with someone. No matter how much I tell myself there won’t be any feelings involved there always are.


I start to feel guilty, not worthy. Like why am I disrespecting myself like this. I’m better than that. And while none of those feelings were for him, I still had them. Even though I didn’t feel any of those things while we were actually having sex, they always creep back into your head after the fact.

But again, this is just my opinion. I know plenty of people that can do this on a regular basis and never bring in the emotion that I do. Or do they?

Really, I feel that it boils down to respecting yourself. If I treat myself and my body like it’s public property, how will I ever meet someone that’s truly interested in me and in being just with me. How can I ever expect anyone to respect when I freely give away what is truly precious and special. Myself and my body. It feels like I’m making myself a doormat for guys to just come and sleep with me whenever they want and not have to give anything in return. Namely, respect. What guy would buy the cow when they are getting the milk for free?

So, this doormat has been officially put away. Until someone with honorable intentions comes a knocking. At least with my vibrator…I’m the one doing the using and I can guarantee you there are no emotions involved. And I always make sure I *take care* of myself first!

HE Said:

When I read what SHE said, I am forced to offer a point of clarity. Trolling the internet looking for someone to 'do' is not casual sex. To argue that casual sex is wrong, or that it isn't for you, you must know what you are saying no to.

Casual sex is not having sex with some anonymous partner from the internet. Casual sex is having an understanding with someone of the opposite sex. If it evolves to bumping bathing suit parts together at the end of a drink, then so be it. But casual sex is not an orgasm-less experience. This is probably why SHE isn't a fan. She got a douche-bag in the sack. Congratulations, be glad you didn't marry him.

To have a good causal sexual experience you must be very up front with the other party. Hey, we're gonna do it, make sure I get mine too. The point of casual sex is to get off. It isn't about cuddling after. It isn't about talking about those pesky things called feelings. It's about unadulterated bump and grinding. [insert R. Kelly here, and yes, i really did intend to use insert and R. Kelly together]

So before you talk down about something that you think is wrong or not for you, make sure you know what you are talking about. Again, let me reiterate, talking with some dude from 'i need to get my pee pee' then having a drink and doing it, is NOT casual sex. That is creepy. That is dangerous.

Casual sex is more of a business relationship than an emotional one.

Adam- This is his COMING OUT over here at the Real World, he is our NEWEST contributor! But he's been doing this blog thing for a while and just had a new edition to his family! Plus he does kinda pretty cool Podcasts... go check his blog out!

Donna says more................

In response to what HE said:

By the way Clinton, casual sex can be having sex with someone anonymous partner from the internet, or with someone you know. Yes, it’s not the smartest thing to do, but if you don’t happen to have a bump and grind partner readily available to you and are safe about it, what difference does it make? Hence the emailing, texting and meeting for a drink first. So I beg to differ on HIS opinion that I don’t know what I’m talking about. The example I gave was ONE experience that was had. And I do not troll the internet looking for guys to do.

Besides, isn’t that how all relationships are built? Casual sex relationships or otherwise. And yes, I say relationship, because regardless of how much you just think with your dick, there is always emotion involved.

What’s creepy to me is that someone can actually just have sex and not have one single, emotion or feeling afterwards. I am not a fan because I just can’t have sex without emotion. Other people can, I can’t do it. Which is what I thought this was supposed to me about, MY opinion on the subject. Not getting attacked by someone who thinks I troll pee pee wet .com (who comes up with this shit?) and what I did was creepy.

Part 2: Adam says more.........

Let me clear the air. I wasn't attacking you. If you felt offended in anyway I deeply apologize. I was attacking your stance on casual sex. Last I checked this was a he said she said argument. Your stance is that, casual sex is NOT ok, and my stance is that casual sex is just fine and dandy.

So let me put it out there. I have NEVER once ever in my life had casual sex [honestly I have only had 2 sex partners], but that doesn't mean that I think it is bad or have it's place. See I don't buy your argument that you think it is bad. I do believe that casual sex is not FOR YOU. That's fine. I don't think casual sex is good for me. But casual sex is just fine for many people out there.

I think we seem to agree that casual sex is fine as long as it is safe. That is what my argument was structured the way it was. It was designed to get a reaction out of you so you can show us what you REALLY think. It's ok, I agree with you too. Casual sex has it's pitfalls, but I don't think those pitfalls disqualify it from being something that can fill in the sexual side of your life until the next relationship starts.

Relationships built from casual sex NEVER work out. I have had plenty of friends cry on my shoulder from this. Relationships are built on friendship that develop into sexual relationships.

***Note: So to sum it up, SHE thinks casual sex is bad, but has partaken in the act of casual sex. HE thinks casual sex is ok, but has never had casual sex himself.



Mel said...

I am a SHE who has partaken in the act of casual sex. While I've been in long-term relationships for majority of my dating life, I had pockets of being labeled as "single." And I think casual sex is awesome.

Although I don't seem to be wired the same as other women in my ideas about sex or relationships. That being said, I *do* believe that casual sex can turn into a relationship (it's happened for me twice - one lasted 4 years). Does that count under the umbrella of casual sex -- I believe so. We didn't know one another, met in a bar, slept together on first date, etc. etc.

But it doesn't always work out to something long term. I gleefully adapted to a casual fling for almost three years. I loved every minute of it -- and we were long-distance, so it opened up my life at home to still, well, have my own life (something I greatly treasured at that period of my 20s).

It ended when he moved his girlfriend in -- like I said, we had our own lives in our respective cities. But we didn't ask.

I have very open ideas about sex -- and I am completely emotionally detached from the act itself ("making love" is a foreign and strange thing for me). Which is why I have somewhat skewed views on what's considered "cheating" as all.

I could go on, but then it gets all kinds of personal and untraditional... so, I'll leave everyone to his/her own imaginations.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Adam (ha that's twice now).

I'm a little weird though. There are some people that I can and have had casual sex with. There are others where I know it wouldn't ever be casual sex with.

I was a slut between the ages of 16years of age and 21 years of age. Numerous men were casual sex partners. I rarely had a meaningful relationship (when I look back now, I actually only had two before my husband). And for the record, I don't feel an ounce, not even a smidge or regret or self pity. I had fun and knew exactly what I was doing and getting myself into ... or onto ;)

I think Casual Sex is fine if done safely. Use protection, listen to your gut and feel out the situation and the place before you end up having sex. I've not listened to my gut before and have ended up in a terrbly life threatening situation.

I do believe that most casual sex partners will never make good relationship partners. Now, there are always exceptions lol. There are when it comes to everything in life. But I feel, for the most part, casual sex partners are just that; sex partners.

I also believe that you need to trust the other person. I mean, really, you're allowing this person to put his penis inside you (or you're that person putting his penis inside her). There needs to be SOME level of trust; trust that they're not crawling with some disease, trust that they're not going to make you do anything you don't want to do and trust that feelings will never come into the picture and if they do, they say something immediately so you can adjust the partnership accordingly (even if that means that you never see each other again).

Adam said - "Casual sex is more of a business relationship than an emotional one".

I love this statement and couldn't agree more with it.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

All I know is that Casual Sex for me, although I have never partaken of it, is dumb. :)

I can only go off third party looking in stories. But nobody and I mean NOBODY has really benefited from a casual sex relationship, IMO. Okay well maybe BENEFITED... but not in the long run. The girls and guys that I have known that have had casual sex partners have ended up pretty "scarred" up from it mentally and emotionally.

Mostly girls... it seems guys can pull casual sex off pretty easily because somehow in their brain they can separate emotions from the physical act itself.

I could never do it because I'm an emotional person... I based a lot of decisions off my gut feelings or emotions after I've studied the practical side of it... in the end I go off how I feel about it. And sex to me like Alex said you need to have or form some sort of TRUST to allow sex in the first place... any kind of relationship to me worth getting involved in involves for me something beyond a physical appreciation of somebody.

If I know their mind and their feelings then FOR ME it's more involved then just Sex.

And when those kinds of feelings get involved... which in cases I know of (with the exception of Mel and Alex) it never ends up very good... someone in the relationship always gets more involved then just casual meet&bang... ya know?

So I agree with Donna.

LOL@Clinton comment! hehehehe.

Great points ADam... I also agree with casual sex--if done the way it's intended and you find two totally unemotional people, should be considered a business relationship. :)

Vodka Logic said...

Like anything, casual sex is for some and not others. Basically I think it is fine as long as it is understood between the two (as Adam said a business between the two).

I have never had casual sex more for the lack of opportunity (married young) rather than unwillingness. As I have gotten older I think I could probably go for it just for the sex and not for the emotional attachment. As I am still married, it would come with consequences and I probably wouldn't partake.
I also think, in my case, I would need the partner to be an unknown. If it was a friend there are already some sort feelings or relationships.
INteresting topic.

Hubman said...

I don't think it's surprising at all that Donna thinks it's bad, as she had a bad experience with a totally selfish partner. And maybe Adam thinks it's fine because he wants to have casual sex?

The notion that relationships built from casual sex never work out is nonsense. Veronica and I slept together within 2 wks of meeting. That was almost 20 yrs ago. So our sleeping together started as casual sex, then we fell in love.

Bottom line is I have no problems at all with casual sex. But I'm a self-proclaimed manwhore, so that's not really that surprising, is it? ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hubman Said - "The notion that relationships built from casual sex never work out is nonsense. Veronica and I slept together within 2 wks of meeting. That was almost 20 yrs ago. So our sleeping together started as casual sex, then we fell in love."

Hence me saying that there exceptions to every rule. lol.

Maybe the men I had casual sex with were only good for sex lol and I could tell they'd never amount to a good relationship. Meh. Whatever the case may be lol

I stand firm with; MOST casual sex partners will never make good relationship partners.

Btw, Hubman, by saying something is "nonsense", lol I felt like I was a student that just got her hand smacked with a ruler by her teacher lmao. Don't know why. Just did haha. It sounded (in my head) like it was a "Im older than you, therefore wiser than you, therefore you need to listen to your elders" but in a funny kind of way lol.

Adan said...

@mel- There are a lot of women just like you out there, and i seem to know a few who share your views and ideals.

@alex-That's 2 for 2. I rock! Glad you liked that line.

@shelle-that clinton line was awesome! I agree with you!!! and i DO know plenty of women who can just do it, and dudes who are all like, i love you and what not.

@vodka-nice to see you here...again

@hubman- i do NOT want to have casual sex. I can't. I tried. i would stop before it got that far. but just because I don't partake, it doesn't mean I think it's bad.

Adan said...

@alex in re: hubman's comment--I think the word you are looking for is....pompus

Anonymous said...

Aw not "pompus" lol. That makes it sound bad. And I giggled when he used the word "nonsense". Kinda felt like I got caught with my hand in the cookie jar right before dinner lol.

Hubman said...

Shelle- re: your friends hurt by casual sex encounters, I wonder if that's because of differing expectations? Was 1 of them thinking of it as "just" sex & the other as the start of a relationship?

Alex- I didn't mean to come across as a know it all, I just have a differing opinion based on the genesis of my relationship with my wife.

TQ Writer- did I imply that those who are against casual sex think it's "bad"? Not everyone is comfortable with the idea of casual sex, due to values, experience, whatever, there is no good or bad implied either way.

But really, pompous? After that annoying little Scotsman David Edward, I expect better insults than that! Besides, I think I'm more arrogant than pompous ;-)

If I was really pompous, I'd point out that you spelled it wrong ;-)

Anonymous said...

lol no! I thought it was funny :) I didnt think you came across negatively or like a know-it-all. No worries there. And really, I should listen to my elders more haha. I'm a long way from knowing it all ;)

The Bare Essentials Today said...

I'm wondering if my HE counterpart has actually ever had *casual sex* to offer those strong opinions.

I do agree that there are exceptions to EVERY rule, just for me I know that it's not that easy for me to just have casual sex and then just walk away. That's not who I am and it's not the way I function!

I wish it was that easy cause believe me I'd be all over it! Being single, it's hard out there for a pimp, yo! lol!

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Hubman pompous? Arrogant? Nah...NEVER! :)


Correct me if I'm wrong but I thought casual sex was two people who got together to have sex. That's it. No hanging out or other things?

So technically if Veronica and Hubman hung out 4 two weeks b4 weren't you already more involved than anything casual?

Donna-- Adam already stated he's never had casual sex. But someone can surely agree with it or not or have opinions on it?

Like Vodka Logic...she says her situation is more out of getting married young and not having an opportunity, but she's thought about and formed her opinion!

I think though Donna I am more like you. I just am not the "casual sex" type personality! And if I were single I would wish I was okay with it because being single IS tough! Lol@pimp yo!

Anonymous said...

Just so we're all on the same page, can we agree with this definition for Casual Sex, from that bastion of integrity and accuracy, Wikipedia:

"Casual sex refers to certain types of sexual activity outside the context of a romantic relationship. The term is not always used consistently: some use it to refer to any extramarital sex, some use it to refer to sex in a casual relationship, whereas others reserve its use for one-time encounters, promiscuity, or to refer to sex in the absence of emotional attachment or love."

If so, then here are my thoughts:

I wonder how many couple who are married end up having "casual sex" with their own partners. They just do it because they are supposed to and fail to make any sort of attempt at connecting emotionally. Which, in situations where there is opportunity, leads to other "casual sex" encounters outside the marriage, hoping for that connection that never seems to happen.

If people who are sexually active would only put a millisecond's worth of thought into the emotional and psychological ramifications of flippant sexual activity, there would be fewer casualties.

Now understand: I am a happily-married man. Going on twenty years. And before my wife, I had no other sexual partners. Not that I wasn't eager for sex, mind you. It just never happened for me, perhaps because I was an overly sensitive teenager and wasn't looking to put myself in any situation where I could either be hurt or hurt anyone else. I desired to lay a solid foundation emotionally and mentally before engaging in sexual activity. And since I held to a rather dogmatic religious worldview at that time in my life, I didn't want to piss off the Big Man. (This is a can of worms I am leery of opening, so I'll leave it at that.)

But at this point in my life, I have a hard time believing that any sexual activity can be dubbed merely "casual". Sure, you can do it. Any one can do it. And maybe a few can bury the emotions and feelings and just keep on doing it. But I believe that that sort of activity digs deep into a person psyche and can leave scars.

And to be clear, many things do this, not just casual sex.

We act. We react, eventually . . .

Adan said...

@hubman-pompus is not bad. but maybe arrogant is a better word for it sure.

@The Bare Essentials- I stated it in there that i HAVE NEVER had casual sex. you must have skipped that part. but it's ok, just because I never had it doesn't mean that I think it is wrong, I just know that I cannot do that, but don't see it fit that i would look down at anyone who did.

@tysdaddy-I, personally, don't feel sex can be casual, in my life. in others lives, people feel it is just a mechanical operation. to me, not at all. again, this shows in my # of sexual partners. by the way, i was married to both of them.

Anjeny said...

This is the most interesting He Said She Said post ever...don't mean to stump the other ones. I find this interesting that the banterings had already started in the post itself. I feel like I was actually sitting a judging table in an auditorium and watching a debate going back and forth...I think the little bell will be ringing in a little while...LOL.

Alright all jokes aside..I don't have anything clever to add, just want to say that both parties gave exceptional viewpoint.

With that said, I'm gonna have to say that casual sex is not for me. I'm too much of an emotional person to just have casual sex. Whether it's good or bad, it depends mainly on the individual.

I've enjoyed the post and all the comments from everyone...I am anxiously waiting for more, can't wait to read what all the rest of the commentors have to say. Thanks Donna and Adam!!

~DokterKenny said...

Ok , so there seems to be a common thread or idea that "guys" are better at casual sex. Nothing could be further from the truth. Like in any area of society that is a generalization based on a small segment of the male population. I find nothing more repulsive than Donna's example. Not because of what she did, but because of what he did. Not only was he a douche, but he cast a pall over guys in general. Quite frankly many of us are NOT like that and do not prefer a quick fuck to getting to know someone. IMHO great sex is when two partners know and respect and are comfortable with each other. The greatest sex is when the two are in love. I know it sounds crazy and old fashioned, but it is just my opinion.

I have had casual sex with friends and even with a girl I had just met. Of the two the friend experience was much preferable, but I a cannot argue with much of which has been eluded to here, and that sex did not scar us but it DID change the nature of the friendship forever.

I do agreee with Adam that it can work as long as their an agreement. Business like in nature with all the parties understanding what the rules are. However, I cannot argue with Donna that emotion has a way of coming into it. I don't care how smooth and open-minded you are. You cannot fight evolution, and endorphins, and the way our brains are wired that's why I can see the possibility of a casual sexual relationship budding into a long term one. Shit happens....

Mel said...

tysdaddy touched on a something that I wanted to jump back in on... in regard to having "casual sex" while being in a relationship. Yes, I believe casual sex CAN happen in a long-term relationship. As I commented above, I'm not one for attaching emotions to sex. I would much rather do that "F-word" than "make love." (Can't help my hormones; I'm a horny sunnamabitch).

That said, there are many different types of relationships outside of "single" or "married" or even "committed" for that matter. This opens a whole new arena and definition to what constitutes casual sex -- both with (or without) your partner.

Anonymous said...

This is a hot topic in more ways that one, LOL.

A lot of good arguments have been put forth from both sides. However, I'd have to weigh in with Donna, that it isn't for me.

Some of my observations - For me, I don't think that "trust" is possible in a casual situation, as it is something that must be earned. Also, I don't mean any offense by this, but I find the use of the term "mechanical" in this argument interesting. Mainly because we aren't machines; we are human beings with all of the physical, mental and emotional complexities that come with the human experience.

@tysdaddy made a lot of important points, and pretty much made any further comments I could have made superfluous. However, I do think the topic of treating sex as "casual" in a committed relationship is an interesting take and could bear some more discussion.

The Bare Essentials Today said...

@tysdaddy you brought up some really good points and I think another topic that would be interesting...casual sex in relationships. Good stuff.

Just Jules said...

Oh boy... I feel like I am jumping into a big wave instead of waiting for the tide to go out... but, here goes.

Mom, stop reading if you are... you have been warned.

Casual sex - did it. (Gahhh mom, I hope you aren't reading) a bit more then a little. It worked with some guys and really really didn't work with others.

For the exact reason as Donna - some men were only interested with getting themselves off, I believe for those guys it was lack of sex ed. not knowing women have needs - this was early 20's here folks. Others it was bad because there were feelings involved from one or the other.

The times that it worked was because it was good sex (really good) and it was only for that purpose. I never really had the opportunity to see them again, for that awkward 'after sex' public meet up and it was only a memory.

There are times and places it works and definitely people it works better for.

So is it right or wrong ? the answer is YES... yes it is right and yes it is wrong. depends upon the circumstances.

Just Jules said...

Also I agree Shelle - hanging our for several times and then having sex is not in this day and age considered Casual Sex for most people anymore.

To me the meaning is more- some guy across the dance floor catches your eye and you get your groove on and then take that groove all the way to the bedroom (maybe remember to ask a name first) dancing the night away between the sheets and leaving it there - no strings.....

just saying how i understand it.

And Hubman you could never have no strings attached sex cuz you are a hot man who creates feelings in others that they themselves can not explain *ca chow! ;) *wink, you know I love you....

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

I smell fence sitters!!!

Anonymous said...

To clarify some things:


I completely agree that sex in a long-term relationship can become "casual". With all the challenges that come with those sorts of relationships, there are times when sex is simply sex for sex's sake; I've had more than my share of quickies, initiated by both my wife or myself. Perhaps the only difference is that I know that sort of casual sex is only going to happen between my wife and I; we aren't going to run off to someone else just to have a quick roll in the sack. In fact, the occasional quickie makes the special times that much more meaningful . . .

And I hope I made it clear that casual sex, for some people, is a very natural and acceptable thing, and if it works for them, then I am for it. We are adults. Some of us are single. Some of us aren't in a long-term relationship. And not everyone has a vibrator. If a scenario such as that presented by Jules presents itself, and you feel that things are safe, then bone away.

However, would I want my son to engage in that sort of sexual play? No. So, if you are single, and you have kids that stay with you, is your opinions/attitudes about casual sex any different than any presented here? There must be a few of you out there . . .


Anonymous said...

Because let's face it . . . the sort of casual sex we are talking about in the original post is that which takes place outside a committed, long-term relationship. Right? Or am I way off track . . .

And Jules, I'm not picking on you in any way by singling out your scenario in my previous comment. It's just that I imagine there are those that might find themselves in a situation like you described and end up rolling in the sack in a house with a kid sleeping in the next room . . .

Or are single folks with kids not that stupid . . .

Just thinking out loud here, people!

Anonymous said...

Or am I just some garrulous, clueless Neanderthal?

Hubman said...

Just Jules- and I love you too ;-)

Tys Daddy- I'm sure that not only are there single parents who have casual sex while kid is asleep in the next room, there are even couples who have sex with others while the kids are sleeping! Couples like Veronica and I ;-)

That's a situation way too long to explain when typing from my phone. I'll have to come back ltr when I'm home

Anonymous said...

Hubman - Yeah, and YOU people are just NOT normal!

(Totally ribbin' ya, dude . . . )

Anonymous said...

Jules said - "some guy across the dance floor catches your eye and you get your groove on and then take that groove all the way to the bedroom (maybe remember to ask a name first) dancing the night away between the sheets and leaving it there - no strings"

I am ROTFLMAO at this. Been there, done that, and have forgotten to ask a name. Whooops. Ok, but the name thing was only forgotten once. All the others I at least asked lol.

Thanks for making me laugh beautiful :)

Anonymous said...

Tysdaddy said - "However, would I want my son to engage in that sort of sexual play?"

This is a good question. My children aren't old enough, yet, to engage in any sort of sexual activity (my children are 5yrs and 3yrs).

I would hope that neither of my children would be as sexually active as I was. I would hope that they would both have sex only when they are truly ready (mentally and emotionally) to have sex.

I think sex is something we all need. It's part of human nature. I just hope that my children will be mature enough to make responsible decisions. And where as I hope my children wait until they're in a serious and commited relationship to have sex (not necessarily marriage), I highly doubt that will be the case. And if that be the case, I hope to handle it as smoothly as my mother did; she handed my brother a box of condoms and said "If you're going to use it, at least dress it up."

But very very good question. Acutally, I think it's one of the best points raised in this conversation. Mind if I write about it over on my blog in the next few days?

Anonymous said...

Run with it, Alex. And thanks . . .

Vodka Logic said...

Wow what a great debate.

Girls talk to each other and experiences shared. I know for a fact that woman have casual sex for the same reason as men, to "get off" and in one case the guy kept calling. He was the one with the emotional attachment.
Sorry dude.
Even if I disagreed with the concept, not my place to say what people do or not.

The Bare Essentials Today said...

@Alex - LOVE your mothers advice, "if you're going to use it, at least dress it up" Priceless!

The Bare Essentials Today said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Another Suburban Mom said...

I have partaken in casual sex both before I met Hubman and the two of us have partaken in casual sex in the past year and a half.

I have no problem with casual sex where everyone knows its casual. I had guy friends that sometimes I would hang out with platonically and sometimes I would have sex with them.

It was all good.

I think that if you are entering into casual sex hoping it will turn into more, you are bound to be dissapointed, but if you go in with your eyes and your mind open and can be honest about what you want, you can have good guilt free fun.

OneZenMom said...

Is it too simplistic to say, "to each their own"?

Meh. I don't think there's anything "good" or "bad" about casual sex per se - like damn near everything else to do with sex, it's a matter of personal experience and taste.

To say casual sex is good or bad, or possible or impossible, or helpful or hurtful, or whatever other judgement call ... is just that: A judgement call.

The only thing you can say for sure is it works/doesn't work FOR ME. To generalize beyond that is presumptuous.

Having said all of that, I, personally, have no problem with casual sex. It doesn't fulfill the same need as "non-casual" sex, but it has it's place.

Joanna Cake said...

What a great debate!

I think Donna and Adam provided some really telling points on the whole subject that I had not thought about before, purely because of their own experiences.

I loved the idea that there is casual sex in long term relationships. I know that, in my own, I did it sometimes purely because I had to have the itch scratched. But the less I scratched that itch, the less I wanted to scratch it... until sex just became a nonenity.

I have a friend who, for financial reasons, remained living in the family home whilst he and his wife were going through their divorce. Every so often, after a couple of beers, their libidos would just get in the way. It became apparent that they still fancied each other sexually but couldnt stand living with each other. So they would have casual sex both knowing that it was not going to change the outcome of the divorce.

I have other single girl friends who have similarly single male fuck buddies that they sleep with regularly. It's providing sex to scratch the itch without long term emotional commitment other than friendship - is that still casual sex? Because I bet those friends would be there for them in a non-sex-related crisis so there is still some sort of commitment.

Like many of the other ladies, I find it hard to separate physical sex from emotional commitment. If I had some form of sexual encounter, it would be because I wanted something more from it emotionally in the long run.

But then, having met my husband when I was only 19, Ive never really been in the position of being horny and not being part of a relationship - so having sex on tap so to speak. Perhaps if that was the case, then my physical need might have overridden my emotional insecurities.

When I first met Ruf, he lived 200 miles away and we flirted by text for three months before I drove up to spend the weekend with him. Im not sure if it was casual sex for me, because I definitely had the idea that he would be fulfilling my need to have my cake and eat it too for a while - well, providing the sex was good enough :)

He didnt view me as a long term prospect because I was married and he wanted a proper girlfriend. But he did want to make me happy because he felt so sad for my lonely existence and that's what he promised for that weekend - a great fuck.

But, it became apparent that we had become emotionally attached quite early on, despite his continuing attempts to find someone who better suited his description of 'proper girlfriend' for the next two years.

And here we still are four years after that initial 'casual' sex...

I think Donna was unlucky. But I also think that there are a lot of men who are badly educated in terms of pleasing a woman, so for those men casual sex IS just about getting yourself off. Which means they treat the woman as they would a prostitute.

But, again, the physical bodies of the two people come into it because men ejaculate so much more easily, quickly and obviously than women. If a woman wants to treat a man like a gigolo, she can and he might not even notice - BECAUSE HE STILL CAME...