Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Dear You: I long for you

Dear you,

How many letters must I have written that were left unsent? How many times did I stare aimlessly at
your number in my phone only to never call? How many hints have I tried to secretly muster out of
family members to hear how you were doing…to even hear your name.

It’s obsessive, sad, pathetic really.

I am a married woman after all.

Yet, why then can I not stop thinking of you, dreaming of you, wanting you, needing you.

Writing these words alone disgusts me.

I am not that vulnerable helpless romantic; at least I tried so hard not to be when I was with you.

Now that’s all I want to be, if it means I get to be vulnerable in your arms.

The words…they are just so tasteless and sickening, I’m nauseated by them myself, not to mention
embarrassed and ashamed, but I can’t help feeling this way.


That’s what it is.

I long for you.

I know I’ve inflicted this pain upon myself. I chose this life without you. I sent you away. I hurt you. I
broke you. I left you.

Then why am I the one left broken?

Why am I the one lingering onto the past; a past that can never be a part of the future.

I know I selfishly only told you this when it was too late, but I love you.

I know at that point I still had a fleeting chance to make you mine because I saw you loved me too, but
again, I naively or cowardly chose my current path instead.

I chose the path of safety, security and stability over the path of spontaneous uncertainty.

I chose the path of comfort and luxury over the path of struggles and simplicity.

I chose my superficial checklist over passion and intensity.

…Over love and genuine authenticity.

I lied to myself and convinced myself that this life would make me happy… that Somehow I’d find
meaning in it too.

On the contrary, I’m left empty and trapped in a world replete with meaningless illusions of grandeur
and external appearances.

Although consistently consumed by his presence, I am ever so lonely.

He doesn’t understand me the way you do.

He doesn’t listen to me the way you do.

He doesn’t see me the way you do.

He doesn’t look at me the way you do.

He loves me, but he doesn’t know me.

The way you do.

Forever hoping, dreaming and loving…




Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

If I didn't already snag the love of my life I think I'd feel that same way. I think it's normal for everyone, once in a while, to remember an old love and think "what if"... but I think yours is on a different level since you admit to marrying for stability.

I'm sorry... that's really really hard to pine for something else.

Gucci Mama said...

Damn. I was exactly there, and then my "one" died. It's been over nine years and I carry it with me every day. I feel your pain. I'm so sorry.

Maybe it's not too late for you? I hope not. I wish you the best.

PorkStar said...

The feeling is understandable. However, once we chose a path, we've chosen it for good. Whatever it is that you want to proceed forward, it's obviously full of risks. Sometimes we can't get what we want, or everything we wish for.

Wish you the best of luck.

GoodWill said...

Wow, very powerful to read. I can imagine there are a TON of people who would write similar letters, although that doesn't make the pain any easier.

Thanks for sharing.

robin said...

Oh, I am not sure I agree with PorkStar. Paths are not chosen for good. There isn't just one way to travel... detours can be taken, steps can be retraced, new roads can be found. It's not as bleak as it seems!
I guess I wonder if he's moved on? If he hasn't, is reconciliation possible? Are there children involved? if not, would it be all that horrible if you left your current situation? If there are kids, I understand how complicated that would be. But I'm all for being happy no matter how hard it might be to recapture that.
Wishing you all the best.

Anonymous said...

Thank you all for all the comments. I appreciate all of them.

It's really difficult to even describe the emotional impact this has had on me. I'm starting psycotherapy in two weeks because it's all just screwing with my mind.

There are no children involved yet, though I am considering it. For the record, I want children because I love them. Not to save our marriage. I want children more so than I want a husband, but clearly I have issues.

My husband is a good man, there's just no passion or intensity. It's not the genuine love I long for, yet I still chose him. At the time, I needed someone to take care of me and he was able to do that. He's a bit on the controlling side and overly critical, but he does so much for me at the same time. He's very rigid and anal and I am more of a free spirit. In some ways we balance each other out. On the other hand, we don't exactly understand each other and its been causing a lot of turmoil in our marriage.

The man that got away,well, I recently saw him in August. It's complicated. He lives in a different country and I would have had to change my entire lifestyle if it meant being with him. A lot of sacrifices would have had to be made to make it work, but we had a deep connection I have never experienced with anyone else. I saw him when I went to visit people there. He had just broken up with his GF at the time and he looked at me with so much love I practically melted. We spoke and flirted a little bit. He gently touched my hand and it hurt me. Emotionally. It hurt me so much not being him. It hurt me to know that touching him was wrong, yet I still wanted more of his touch.

Ultimately, he told me he couldn't control himself around me and its better he leaves. So he walked away. Any other guy would have taken advantage of my vulnerable state, but he walked away despite his feelings.

When I left the country to return home to the U.S he got back together with his GF the next day. He's still with her now. I know he loves me, but it just gets messy, so I just have to struggle with this and hope that somehow fate brings us together again.

Gucci Mama said...

Or, instead of waiting on fate, you could take control of your own destiny. The regrets I have now can never be fixed because the person I have regrets over has died. My (totally unsolicited) advice would be try not to have any regrets in this situation, whatever that means. You don't want to spend the rest of your life wishing you'd done it differently, believe me.

Anonymous said...

Thanks, advice is good and encouraging! I agree with your advice and I would probably say the same thing to anyone else. I would say to take control over their lives and go after what they want and what they love...but I'm terrified. It's so messy and uncertain. I know living in regret isn't a good solution either, but what if I create even more problems by taking control. I'd be hurting my husband, destroying my stability and hoping to break up someone elses relationship. It's such a selfish thing to do, yet I think and dream about doing it all the time. I just don't know if I have the courage to be that person.

Gucci Mama said...

I know exactly where you're at. Exactly. I've felt and said those same things. (And I haven't - or didn't I guess - make any moves either). The devil you know is less terrifying than the deep blue sea you don't. I get it.

It's not as easy as it sounds to just go after what you want. It's terrifying and difficult and there are a million "what if" questions and the reality is, things may not turn out the way you want them to.

But for the last nine years I have wished with considerable might to relive the last ten minutes I had with my Joshua when he was alive. It has kept me up many nights, it has affected my subsequent relationships, and it has colored how I see the world.

If I had it to do over, I would throw all caution to the wind and take my chances, even knowing there was a chance my heart could break. (I don't think it would have, but then that's easy to say now, since I can control the outcome of pure fantasy).

With Joshua, the flight would have been worth the fall, though I doubt there would have been a fall had I not created one by screwing everything up.

What you need to decide is if your flight with this man (who sounds just wonderful from what you describe) is worth the fall should that happen.

As many regrets as I live with, and as much as I wish I'd have done things so differently, and as many times as I've relived the whole scenario in my mind I hate to see anyone in the same situation.

It's not like I pine away every day and weep all the time (lord), but even after nine years, it weighs on me.

I know you're afraid of hurting your husband; I know you don't want to do that. But being married to him and loving another man like you do isn't fair to him either, or to you. Even if he doesn't know (I assume he doesn't) he's not getting all of you. And you're not getting all of yourself when you're divided like this and I have learned in my own life that settling is no way to live. I think the pain and resentment that can cause is harder to live with than the difficult (but temporary) pain of telling your husband the truth and following your heart.

I hope that, whatever you decide, you will find peace and contentment in your decision.

Anonymous said...

Thank you. Your words make so much sense and I feel a bit stronger just by reading them. I know its easier said than done, but I really hope I ultimately take that chance before it really is too late. I just want to make sure I'm certain its the right decision before I destroy so many peoples worlds.

I've spent the past two years evaluating the situation and trying to fight the feelings and snap out of this going back in time fantasy, but to no avail. It's been two years and the thoughts and desires remain.

I really hope I find the strength to follow my heart wherever that may lead in the end...

Gucci Mama said...

I hope you do too, love. I wish you the best.

The voice of reason said...

I am just going to put this out there but it seems to me like you are the type of person who doesn't know what you have until it's gone. So who is to say that you will not feel the same about you current husband if you leave him.
Learn to be happy, and learn to love, as far as the passion thing i am pretty sure if you are not feeling it neither is he, so spend some time trying to fan the flame of your marriage and not so much time fantasizing on him. and by all means don't have a baby. seriously! one more time for good measure don't have a baby until you have grown up having one now would be selfish

Anonymous said...

Someone should tell your husband so that he can dump you and build a family with a loyal and faithful wife who loves him.

You will never be happy with what ever you have - you are a destructive person. If you have any respect or feelings for your unfortunate husband then set him free to find happyness and furfillment with another.

You are right to feel disgusted with yourself. You disgust me too!


Anonymous said...

Ouch. That was harsh Anon.

A lot of what you said in your comment above sounds like me. Married for security, to be with someone, because I thought I had to- it is what you do and it was time and I wanted babies and 'that' life. I am the free spirit and he is the very linear straight and narrow guy- i say that he is the string and I am the kite and he holds me down. But what happens when string breaks on a kite? it spirals out of control, doesn't it?

It sounds like you have some personal issues to get straight before you make any major decisions. PLUS it is never a good idea to make life altering decisions in the depth of the depressing winter.

But, if i were to give advice I would say keep using that birth control .... seriously! Any decision I might make for myself at this point in my married life is always trumped by the fact that I have children and they have a dad and it is a bigger picture. It only complicates things. and if you think it is easy to be sleep deprived, over touched and under appreciated, in a used up body that has not regained any sort of shape you can recall as yours (which you totally are and totally happens when you have a newborn) you are wrong. things are only harder during that time.