Monday, December 6, 2010

Dear You: Lost Cabin Pressure

Leave your comments of help or advice or your own frustration.  Comment on others comments... let's have a discussion... Thank you so much Lost Cabin Pressure for sending this letter in I'm sure there are so many out there that will relate!

Dear You,

I am frustrated. Many times a week, several times a month, and numerous times a year I hear, “Why do I have to read your blog to know what you are thinking? Why do I have to read your blog to know what is bothering you?” It is then followed by, “I really wish you would just talk to me.”

Some of the bigger things you were upset I didn’t come to you about were a conversation you heard when I was talking to my mother about being upset about a non-fiction book I had just read; I was jealous and upset over the relationship the author had with his father, and I was longing to have a better relationship with my father. I was sad for days. You were upset because you didn’t know what was going on. You were even more upset when you read my blog and learned how bullied I was in school when we were in middle school. You had no idea, and didn’t know the passion I had to stop and prevent bullying until you saw the video I made. Why hadn’t I said anything?

I understand your frustration.

You know I had my heart ripped out when I realized that everything I thought about my first marriage turned out to be a lie, a misunderstanding, or just sheer stupidity. I built walls that have started to crumble and still stand, like the Berlin wall in the early 80’s. It’s hard to see what is in my heart through a protective barrier. These walls have started to come down over time. My walls seem to have been taken down when we got married. I was an open book. You could ask my anything and I would give you the answer.

It has been recently I have started to put some walls back up, out of fear. Thing change when you have a child. I know this. My first marriage centered around the birth of our oldest child. I knew the stress that is involved with having a child, and I knew that the stress of a child is overwhelming. The desire to make sure there is enough money in the back, food in the cupboards, and a roof over their heads. This puts a damper on the purse strings. With you not working it has been tough. It has been tough on our growing family, it has been tough on our resolve, and it has been tough on our families.

So why are these walls being built again?

There was an analogy I read in an article not long ago. If you have ever been on an airline you surely have watched and listened to the pre-flight safety briefing. You have heard the announcer say, in the event of a loss of cabin pressure, an oxygen mask will come down. You are instructed to put a mask on yourself before you put a mask on your children; because in order to take of your children, you have to take care of you.

I feel like we are losing cabin pressure. The oxygen masks have come down and you are pouring all your energy into taking care of the kids and not taking care of yourself. What do I mean? The glue that holds relationships together is sex. Not the actual act of sex, but intimacy, a night out without anyone but us, and the spontaneous things we did before we had a child in the house full-time. So when it comes to talking about sex, and things that are bothering me, I find it hard to talk.

Why? Because you have said at every opportunity that sex is something you feel should never be talked about. You said you parents never talked about it, so why should you? We never really talked about sex before because we had sex nearly 75% more than we are having now. I have stated that in a healthy sexual relationship, sex plays about 10% in the overall happiness of the relationship, but in a relationship that is lacking in sex, it 70% in the overall happiness of the relationship. I want to talk to you about it.

I want to talk about it, but I feel that if you don’t want to talk about the things I want to talk about, then what is the point? Every time I open my mouth about sex, you get defensive and you feel bad about NOT wanting to have sex. I get that. You are putting a lot of time and energy into the kids. I know they appreciate it, but ignoring sex and the thought of talking about it is like goo gone to the glue that holds us together.

So every time you tell me, “Why don’t you talk to me about things,” it is like Reagan saying, “Tear down this wall” but like anything, you also have to tow the line. You have to put down your walls and talk about things you find uncomfortable to talk about.


Lost Cabin Pressure

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Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

I think after we had kids that my husband felt the same way. He use to always complain we weren't having it enough. Sad thing was, I had no desire so it was easy for me to overlook it.

If sex were up to just me and involved just me... I'd never have to have it.

But after much reading on marriage books and topics I realize that men REALLY DO need it. I know that sounds insane. But it sends of signals to their brain and body that boost their esteem, energy, and personality if you ask me... among other things.

So I hope she will talk to you about it. I came from a highly religious background and sex was looked upon as dirty and vile. But then you get married and everyone is like "go now and do this 'sacred' thing with your husband and ENJOY it and talk about it and make it important" and I was left thinking... "huh"?

So talk about it... bring in a third party if necessary... but intimacy, the marriage act, sex... IS important in a marriage or relationship period.

Adan said...

You are right. Men need it. In my case, I feel wanted when my wife wants to have sex with me.

It isn't always about sex either. I think it is about communication. If you can talk about something like sex, I think everything else falls in line.

UP said...

Sex is UNDER-rated.


wendy said...

I think we at some time or other experience loss of cabin pressure. BUT the key is to not suffocate because of it. Yes, things need to be discussed and addressed or they just get bigger. and bigger. and worse.
As a mom of 5 kids....and now being 59 years old, I find it is paramount to love and take care of the kids of course and all things family....BUT you must protect those things that keep you IN LOVE and brought you together...and will continue to KEEP you together.
Talk about Sex
Have sex
Talk about everything
take care of your relationship, cause kids grow up and move away
You find yourselves just looking at each other.......
and hopefully saying
Hey, lets go have sex.
Talk then do

Welcome to the Garden of Egan said...

Ditto with all the comments.
Sex is very very important.