Breaking UP or Breaking Through

Have you found yourself in a relationship where the frustration level and the number of times you butt

heads with each other seems to increase by the second?

You say blue, she says red, and the fights just seem to be going in circles.

If the answer is yes, then some say you may be at what they call "the break UP point."

But I wonder, is it break UP, or break through?

Maybe you're at the place where you're finding out things about each other that you need to fix.

Maybe it's an opportunity. A critical one, but an opportunity nonetheless.

Let's say the honeymoon's over, and you start that constant UPhill drive to build a relationship. If you

start bumping heads, instead of uglies, then it might be time for a "re-group", or chat, if you will. The

first few months and even years of a realtionship are the most critical time to build that relationship. If

you stop doing the little things that make the day nice; good bye kisses, notes, texts now that we're in the

modern era, and frisky, friendly, flirting, then you're at a break UP point. It's time to be really honest with

each other and compromise, work things out. Break through, not break UP.

"My wife/husband doesn't understand me." Isn't just a line from some jerk in a bar. It might be the

truth. People come from different backgrounds, and no two homes are exactly alike. Heck, the five

children in my family could not be more different, but were raised by the same two people, and for most

of our lives, in the same house. So, blending two people into one family takes work. Understanding each

other isn't easy, and it's a constant task. People change, times change, ideas change, goals change. Make

sure you talk about the changes you are going through, and make sure you include your partner in them.

Don't break UP, break through.

If you start to punish each other, things are getting serious. I'm not talking about a little mutual friendly

S&M kids, I'm talking about passive agressive behavior. You know, "he left his clothes on the floor, so I

just won't put them in the load of laundry I'm doing even though there's room." Or "She never puts the

cap back on the toothpaste, so I'll just leave the seat UP!"

Stop it!

It's silly, and it's dangerous. Resentment can build, feelings get hurt, the game escalates, and then all hell

breaks loose!

Use it as a break through point, not a break UP point.

Have you stopped "fighting" or "arguing"? Well, that's a danger sign. Walking out of the room gets

nothing done. And even though you can't unsay things you've said, sometimes you have to say them.

(This is not permission to be a jerk, think before you speak!)

Fighting isn't a bad thing. It clears the air. I'm not saying you should start throwing pots and pans, and

no one needs a baseball bat, but talk about it. Yell if you have to. When you stop fighting at all, you've

stopped fighting for the relationship, and you've reached a break UP point. Use it as a break through.

Have you actually thought about leaving? Well, then you're at a break UP point. You need to regroup,

take a few days and think it out. Some therapists recommend leaving for a few days or a week at this

point. I'm not so sure. Maybe a weekend with the girls (if you're the girl), or a fishing trip, or camping

will do some good. But don't say, "we need some time apart". That may just be what your partner wants

to hear, and it may not be the real solution. Stick it out, but take some time. Go visit some friends or

family, or go see the Biltmore House, but spend some serious windshield time thinking just how your life

would be if you walked. You may envision something that isn't possible, and hopefully you'll realize that

you're where you need and WANT to be. Make it a break through.

Once you've thought about it, and worked it out. It's time to take a stand. A stand for the relationship

or a stand to walk away. Go back, talk, make decisions. Life is way too short to be miserable. Both of

you need to try, and both of you need to work at it. Evenly, and willingly. If you don't try, it's a break UP point. If you do, you might just break through.

UP- who also guest posted for us HERE.

What a Cluster...headache.

Shelle Edit: RedNeck Latte is new to me.  The time I spent on his blog, however, I became much more educated.  The guy knows his history and it's entertaining!  Can you believe it?  I didn't even snooze... not once!  I'm so happy he wanted to write on such a tough subject.  So take the time to read his blog and see what he has to say over at Red Neck Latte. After you read this well written post on his blight with depression.

Ah, depression – anger turned in on oneself.

Seriously, that’s what the ‘experts’ say.

And there are days, I agree.

I suffer from depression from time to time.  The first event was immediately after my first heart-attack.  I’ve had four.  Apparently fried foods and cigarettes are bad for you.  Who knew?  There should have been a report back in the 60s or something.  You know, some advice from a doctor or panel of them.  Hmmm.

At any rate, depression hits me from time to time.  After the first HA, I was terribly depressed and didn’t realize what was going on.  No one, not one doctor, nurse, aide, tech, no one – told me, “Hey, you’re gonna feel like crap.” 

But I did.

After speaking to my cardiologist, he realized what was going on and sent me to a counselor.  It helped.

Depression comes in many forms, and from many places.  This is my story, it may not be yours.  You alone can decide where yours comes from.

But after the initial bout with depression, the cluster headaches started UP.  I suffer from Horton’s Syndrome.  It is a form of Classic Chronic Cluster Headaches usually found in men.  In the rare cases when women have them, they often say it’s as bad as childbirth.  I won’t make that claim, I’ve never given birth, I’m a man, and that would be presumptuous. 

The pain is excruciating.  And comes out of nowhere.  No real warning, just a slight burning in the nose and then Bang!  There they are. 

They are unilateral, one side of the face and all.  And they are really not headaches, but face aches.   My teeth hurt, my nose burns, my tongue burns, and my head throbs.

I have one now.  It’s slight, and it’s under control, but I caught it fast. 

The real cause isn’t known.  But there are things that exacerbate them.  All the things that are supposed to be healthy for me do the trick.  Avocados, walnuts, strong cheeses, DARK CHOCOLATE, coffee, all the things I love, many of the things that are good for me.  They make them kick in.

And stress.

Some last for a few minutes.  I take OTC pain killers, a mix of Excedrin, Tylenol, and Advil along pure oxygen from a tank and with an ice pack on my face, and I can usually get them to go away.

The worst one lasted for 57 days.  It was horrid.  I wound UP in the ER.

The headache pain and experience is depressing, and we Cluster heads call it “dancing with the devil”.  

You have suicidal thoughts.  It would just be easier to die than live like this. 

After the headaches subside, or go away completely, the depression kicks in.  I don’t know if it’s that way for everyone, but for me, it’s deep, dark, and devastating.

The anger gets turned inward.  For years, no one, and I mean NO ONE believed I was in as much pain as I was. 

I was “emotionally fragile”, overstating it, being weak.  Faking it. 

But I was in pain, and I was depressed.

And even now, when they go away, I get dark, I get depressed.

Therapy helped.  The doctor I saw showed me a few “tricks” to use on myself to bring me out of the funk that the headaches leave me in.  I refused medicine.  I have an aversion to alcohol or any possibly addictive drug, so I steered clear of all that.

Walking helps.  With cluster headaches, a dark room, quiet, solitude: they don’t do the trick.  There has to be light, noise, action, movement.  So I walk, I read, I write.

And I talk.  Talk to anyone who will listen, keep company, and keep the dark thoughts away.  I usually try to steer clear of telling the listener what’s going on with me, it just scares them off.  And I need them.

I need the interaction.  I need the company, I need the comfort.  I need to avoid the anger.  I need to keep from turning on myself. 

So, talk to me, tell me your story, hell, tell me a lie.  I don’t care.  Listen, and talk. 

See, the headache is gone.  Time for some happy thoughts!

UP @ Redneck Latte