I wouldn't want to be a teenager again for anything!

Shelle Edit: Vodka Logic I have known for a long time and she is absolutely one of the best people I know on the internet. Plus she twitters and facebooks and so we have many avenues to talk to each other. She always has something pretty cool to say and relevant. So go check her out after you comment here with any advice or opinions! :) Her site HERE.

Image taken from HERE

I wouldn’t want to be a teenager again for anything. Offer me life ever after and I’d turn it down. Being a teen is hard, especially these days. My experience is hands on these days. I have two daughters, one is 21 and despite a few set backs in middle school, made it through fairly easily. We’ve had our differences but for the most part it was smooth sailing. My other daughter is 16 and has struggled. Middle school was a nightmare, elementary school was difficult too now I think about it. She is angst filled and emotional.

She fights with us over every detail, regardless how small. She has caused me more grey hair and tears than I care to admit. I cry because of her and with her. I have loved her and not liked her at the same time. Does this make sense? Sure does if you have a daughter like mine.

I have taken her to therapy in the past and other than one initial woman she hasn’t really “clicked” with anyone. She has been asking to see someone again and let me say it has not been an easy task. I have left more messages at therapists offices and gotten no call backs. If I do get to speak to someone they don’t take our insurance or they don’t have appointments for months.I don’t want to wait months, I want to help my daughter. It has been very frustrating.

We have an appointment finally lined up with a woman but I have my reservations. I left messages four days in a row before I got a call back. I am not sure she called back on her own or because I asked the pediatricians office to call on my behalf. Needless to say she better impress me.

We love our kids and want to do what we can to keep them but sometimes the powers that be make it difficult. Trying to help my daughter and not over react is a fine line. I tend to be a worrier and I don't want to project this on my daughter.

My daughter has now had two sessions with her therapist. The first I sat in on with her and the therapist asked questions about what she was like as a little child, her developement, behavior etc. She asked what  we expectd from the sessions, our family history and what we could anticipate from her. Overall a good meeting.

Monday my daughter had her first session alone. I sat in the waiting room listening to my ipod and wondering what was going on inside. After they were finished I went in and made the copayment and scheduled the next appointment. The therapist suggested we go weekly for the time being. On the way home I asked my daughter how it went and she was a bit evasive at first. I told her she didn't have to tell me what they talked about just how she liked her and did she think it would help. She seemed unsure but since we have just started it is probably too early to tell. She did however open up about a few things, our parenting styles and things that bothered her that she mentioned to the therapist. I have to admit some of it was hard to hear and we both shed a few tears as I drove home. My daughter felt bad she made me cry but I said I wanted her to feel she could talk to me without worrying about my reaction.

Certainly some of what she said is true but some is also her perception of things. It doesn't make them wrong it is just her reaction to situations and admittedly I don't always have the words to explain things the way I would like. As a good friend said to me, "it will probably get worse before it gets better." True I am sure.

Certainly no one ever said raising children would be easy... seems I still have a lot to learn.

How do you balance raising a teenager today?


Vodka Logic

How about being a Regular Contributor?

OKay.

I have decided that I want this blog to start rockin it again with postings daily and hot conversations in comments.

But I know it's been my fault and laziness.

February is the month of redemption I say.

SOOOOOOO...

What I want to know is if ANYBODY out there is interested in being a REGULAR CONTRIBUTOR to this blog.

It's volunteer work... the only payment you get is the knowledge that you are helping me out along with whomever reads your posts and learns from them!

You also have to sign your name in blood and stuff... but nothing to big.

If you want to be a regular contributor here at Real World then I'll link you up on the side bar and throw a Meet The BLogger form at you and we will get you rollin on the TOPIC emails I will be sending out again.

I will still ask for Guest Contributors and want them always always.

But I need some consistency and reliability with people who volunteer for a topic and then post it when I schedule it to be posted.

Let me know in comments if you're interested and/or via email @ blokthoughts@gmail.com

I still have these topics that need to be covered if anyone's willing to take them!

2. Money ruined my relationship because...

3. Our love isn't the same since we first met and it is a good thing because...

4. I love my kids but they have come between me, my significant other, and our sex life... (go anywhere from there)

5. My most embarrassing moment with my significant other...

6. My significant other wronged, lied, etc... yet I still love them... (go from there)

7. This one relationship in my life made me a better person because...

8. Common sense vs. book smarts-- HE said, SHE said? Or take it on yourself.

9. I found someone with not only good looks but smart, funny, and the rest of the package, but they don't belong to me...

10. I'm heavy and my spouse is not--it's a big deal/ or/ ISN'T a big deal because...

11. My co-worker sees me more than my significant other and it causes problems in my relationship because...

12. My significant other always makes us late or has to ALWAYS be 10 minutes early...

13. Make up your own topic... please, if you have a suggestion or have something you feel you NEED to talk about, write it in!!!

And, of course, any DEAR YOU letters!

Love all,

Shelle

Follow Up Post: Debt Free and Going Strong!

Shelle Edit:  I love NOTHING better than for people who have written on here to do follow up posts about how things are going now.  What differences they made in their relationship.  What things have changed.  What can we learn.  Thank Alex for doing just that!

Money. I hate money. Money causes so many problems and yet we, as a society, desperately need money. We need it for food, transportation, gas for that transportation, clothes, shelter, everything within that shelter that makes it a Home, and don’t forget all the things we want but don’t necessarily need.

In July 2010, I wrote a guest posts for In the Real World; Venus vs. Mars about money, the issues they can cause and taking responsibility for our debt. I wrote about how it took all of three months to get thousands of dollars into debt and several more months before I knew what was going on (and we had fallen even more in debt), which meant we were now coming to a point of very little hope. It took us just over a year to pull ourselves out of that debt, but we did it and we can say that we are debt free.

Debt is a vicious cycle, especially when it comes to bills such as phone, cable, electricity, etc. When you’re already three months behind on all your bills, things start to get shut off. You start to catch up on one bill, only to have another fall even farther behind. It’s hard to pull yourself out of the loop. But it’s entirely possible. It takes time, effort, determination, honesty, openness, embarrassment, and a whole lot of planning.

It’s been 24 weeks since that post in July 2010 (I’m writing this on January 6th 2011). A lot has happened in those 24 weeks.

A few months prior to writing the post, we found out our best friends were getting married in the Dominican Republic. It was going to cost us $3,500 CAD for the two of us to go. We officially paid off our trip before December 28th 2010. We never left ourselves short each week, though there were a couple of weeks where we were tight.

One of the agreements that my husband had with his boss was that their company would pay for our car. They’ve done this since 2006. Things are still really hard at his work and they were unable to continue paying for our car. We’ve suffered a $500/month pay cut. But guess what? Because of our debt free situation, because of our budgeting and planning, we’re able to pay for our own car! We wouldn’t have been able to do this before and it’s a huge accomplishment. Do I hope my husband’s work picks up and they can go back to paying our car payments? Well yeah! I’d love to have that $160/biweekly (we now own a car and not a van – much cheaper) for our savings account!

We’ve also found that being honest with family and friends (you know, the real friends that you have) has helped a lot. They all know that we don’t have a ton of extra money kicking around and are all understanding. My best friend comes here instead of me going there (we live an hour apart). My family has chipped in for gas money when they’ve wanted us there or have covered dinner for us if we come during the evening. Or, better yet, they’ve come here to visit (again, we live an hour apart).

I’ve even found that we’ve been able to treat ourselves to some things. I was able to get another tattoo done and have almost completed my back artwork. And by signing up for WagJag.com, we’ve been able to have a family trip to see some amazing reptiles for a whole hell of a lot cheaper (normal cost would be $80 and we only spent $35!).

This road hasn’t always been easy though. There has been a few times where dinner consisted of sandwiches or cereal. Those are usually the weeks where it seems like everything is due the same time. But this is reality. We’re not living in a dream world anymore.

We still stick to our budget, which I write up three months in advance consisting of every single bill, expenses (ie: Hair cuts, presents for birthdays/showers, etc) and money to put aside into the savings account. We’ve made Life work without a ton of money. Christmas was great despite not being rich! Racer and Diva received two presents each under the tree, two joint presents (games/puzzles) and stocking stuffers. They loved it and weren’t overwhelmed. They also didn’t receive a ton of things they didn’t need and things that would just take up space. Diva’s birthday was just a week after Christmas, and again, she received three presents from us, one of which I won on a Blog Giveaway and she couldn’t have been happier!

I contacted Shelle with the idea of a follow up post to my first one not to brag about getting out of debt and doing well right now. I wanted to write a follow up because I wanted other families who are in debt to know that (a) you CAN get out of debt, (b) you’re not alone, and (c) when you are out of debt, you still need to plan, budget and be realistic.

Remember: Microsoft Excel is your friend when it comes to budgeting. It has saved me and helped me in so many ways. Be honest, open and keep the lines of communication open. Sometimes my husband gets annoyed by my weekly reminders about our budget but he tells me quite often that he appreciates it and he knows that without me stepping in, we’d have been beyond repair financially and emotionally. It’s without a doubt, our marriage would have ended.

And for those of you who remember and are curious; yes I do still believe that because I do not bring any money into our home, it’s none of my business what my husband makes or the state of our finances. However, I know my husband and without my help, we’d end up right back where we were before I stepped in and took control of our money.

Alex

This Thing Called Our Life
This Thing Called Adoption

Dear You: Papa K Verbally Assults His Old Boss To The Blogosphere

Shelle Edit: I did internet bleep out the curse words in his letter for those people with sensitive eyes or are wearing the proverbial "ear muffs" :)  PapaK is doing an awesome thing on his blog where if you leave a comment he will donate a dollar to the Make-a-Wish Foundation.  So hop on over to his blog and leave a comment on THIS post.   

Hope you all have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Dear You:

I first met Vicki during my job interview for a sales position at a staffing company.

I had struggled after graduating college to find my place in the work-a-day world. I had stumbled through several lines of work (retail, restaurant, insurance, etc.) and this interview with her was my opportunity to get a “real” job! Something with substance! Something with incentives! Something with a base salary! Something with benefits! Something with career potential!

She was a tall, middle-aged looking woman with a nose that more resembling a beak than a human breathing apparatus. Her fingers were long and boney and reminded me of something that might belong to a vampire from a silent, black-and-white movie. She fiddled with her hair during the interview like most high school cheerleaders do when they’re talking to the Varsity quarterback.

I could tell she liked me and I freakin’ killed that interview.

She hired me.

Then I killed that d*** job.

Despite having a penchant for not really wanting to talk to people, I was a newly married dude with something to prove to my newly minted trophy wife. I won all the “Top Rookie Salesperson” awards you could win and was responsible for raising the branch I worked for to new heights previously unmatched by past sales people.

I proved myself beyond a shadow of a doubt to everyone… except to that beak-nosed, vampire fingered, cheerleader wannabe b**** of a boss that hired me.

As it turned out Vicki was a power hungry, man-hating divorcee with an unconscious need to belittle her worker bees and conveniently make her marriage to her job THE ONE AND ONLY priority to everyone.

She also:

-Stole sales from me and reaped the benefits of commissions on how well the branch was doing
while depleting me from extra money that should have been mine.

-Remained an active “selling branch manager” which enabled her to extract both a salesperson’s
commission check and a branch managers commission check from the company

-Falsely accused me of going “behind her back” when in reality I couldn’t wipe my butt without her
knowing about it

-Made me keep a journal of what I was doing every 15 minutes for a month only to file it away never
to be seen again

-Made me draft every email and let her read it before I sent it because she didn’t think I “wrote good
emails”

-Wouldn’t allow me to leave AT 5 O’CLOCK ONE DAY A WEEK in order for me to attend a bible study

-Accused me of taking credit for her ideas

-Gave credit to others on employees I found, screened and placed at jobsites

-After I left, she denied me my last commission check valued at around $2,000.

-Did not allow me to contact my customers to let them know I was leaving when I handed in my
notice

The list goes on but at the risk of sounding too much like a whiny little b****… I’ll stop right there. I’d never met, and hope I’ll never meet again, a boss like Vicki.

After enduring nearly two years of her never-ending stream of crap… I found a way out by getting
another job.

After getting into a normal workplace setting, I was able to start the healing process and realize how
much sooner I should have just walked up to her and barfed this random stream of thoughts:

“Hey Vicki… You constantly bemoan the fact you’re divorced and how much of an a** your ex-husband is but I’m here to tell you that if I was married to you I would have left your a** too because you’re bat-s*** crazy! He was probably sick and tired of your narcissistic personality and false accusations! Do you know that everyone who works for you quits? Look around you! Everyone who has worked here since I got hired or after I got hired is gone! That’s not a problem with them… that clearly points to a problem WITH YOU!! Do you know your nose looks like a beak? Instead of getting that boob job you were hoping none of us noticed then perhaps you should have gotten some rhinoplasty to change that beak into some sort of tangible nose! If you were a dude… I’d go ahead and help get the process started by breaking your nose with a tire iron! I helped make this branch over a MILLION DOLLARS! If you want to b**** at me for not placing a period where a comma should have been in an email then I’m just going to take a huge s*** on your desk because everything else in this world is secondary to your pathetic managing skills. You just lost the best employee you’ll ever have… I quit.”

Well… I feel better now.

Anyone else had a boss they wanted to eviscerate?

Papa K

Dear You: Breaking Free

Dear You,

You're making me hate you.  We've been on this road for the better part of our marriage now, but lately it seems with each cruel word, each controlling action, each time you remind me how useless you think I am you're making me hate you a little more.

And you know what?  I'm glad.  Because you used to make me hate myself.  I used to believe you.  I used to think I was useless and fat and stupid and spoiled and ridiculous.  I used to think it was rational for you to give me an "allowance" because you don't want me to spend "your" money.  I used to think it was okay for you to treat me like a second class citizen.

But I don't think that anymore.  You know what I think?  I think you're the useless one.  I think you're an insecure, cruel, shell of a man and you resent me because I'm better than you.  You married above yourself, asshole, and everybody knows it.  My parents knew it when they told me not to marry a boy from "the other side of the tracks".  Your parents knew it when they were so out of depth in my world that they embarrassed us with their backward behavior at our wedding.  Everyone in my life knew it but I refused to see it.  Bravo; you put on quite a show.  You convinced me that you weren't marrying me for my daddy's money or the doors he opened for you.

I hate that I was so wrong about you.  I hate how you've turned things around in your mind so much that you think you're above me.  You think it's okay to belittle me.

I gave up so much for you.  I gave up a scholarship to a prestigious private college to go to a state school with you.  I abandoned my dream of law school because you asked it of me.  You wanted to start our "life", build our business, start your career and you didn't want the intensity of me being in law school holding you back.  And I gave these things up without complaint because I loved you.  It never mattered to me how much money you had, where you were from, or what your family was like.  You mattered to me.

You did, until you turned into a monster.

Your slow fade into this cruel, petty person you've become is such a shame.  You had so much potential.  You are very smart and driven and motivated.  We could  have been so happy together if you were the man I thought you were when I married you.  If you hadn't allowed your insecurity and resentment to build and build until the only way for you to release it was to spew it onto me and onto our children.

You used to make me proud to be your wife.  Now you just make me sick.

Here's a little secret, sir.  You know how I told you I'm going to grad school whether you like it or not starting this fall?  And you know how you dragged your feet about it and didn't want it to happen but ultimately "relented" and "allowed" it?  Well, guess what?  After I finish (and you pay for it) my children and I will be getting the hell out of here and we won't be looking back.

You can enjoy this luxurious prison you built for me all by yourself.  I am breaking free. 

Anonymous 

If you have a letter to write send it in!  HERE is more info on what to do!  We want to hear from you!!!

So leave a comment, follow comments, come back and comment on other people's comments. Tell us how you feel or what you think!

Dear You: Mom

Here's another great Dear You Letter!  I've got a few to post so I will also post one on Wednesday so make sure to comment and follow comments!  A lot of you have shared with me how it has been kind of nice to write what you have down... kind of freeing.  I'm so glad... I hope those of you that are wondering if you want to send a letter, that you do!

Dear You--Mom:

You stumbled over my blog by accident. I wasn't thrilled about it, particularly when you started trying to talk to me about my posts.  And I really wasn't happy when you started giving out the link to other people.  But I decided that wasn't going to stop me from writing what I want, how I want, when I want. 

But mom, now you've crossed the line.

You've been reading me for awhile, so you know I don't post about myself all that frequently. I write stories. Vampires. Crime. Whatever else pops into my head.  They are works of fiction.  Products of my overactive imagination.

Some of the tales are better than others.  Sometimes the stories write themselves, others I take months to polish until I get them right.

I've written stories that made you cry. That made you laugh out loud. That got you all hot and bothered. And that's the mark of a good writer - that I can make you feel...anything.

Just because I write about a vampire does not make me one. I write about murder - I certainly have never committed the crime. And just because I may, on occasion, write about the other woman doesn't mean that I have experience being the other woman.

I have a good imagination. I read. A lot. I research plot points. Just as any good writer would.

Sure, I can write emotions. Do you think at 32 years old I haven't had my heart broken? That I haven't been sad? Hurt? Scared? Scarred? Wondered "what if"?   Show me a person that hasn't felt all those things and I'll show you someone who knows nothing but denial.

I draw on those feelings to convey my stories.  Just as any good writer would.  So don't read things into my words which aren't there. 

Now... If my stories bother you, you have a choice. You can accept my pieces as the works of fiction that they are or you can stop reading.

The choice is yours. I love you. But your accusations were way out of line. And we will not be having this discussion again...

Jaime

Relationships during the Holidays-Guest POST? Help me out?

Doesn't it seem like relationships are either stronger or weaker during the holidays?  Like this time between Thanksgiving and New Year's is a pivotal time for couples.  Is it the onset of depression that comes with Winter for some?  Is it finances?  Is it family pressure or the pressure of having to see family?  Or could it be the feeling of giving that gives some a feel good euphoria?  The anticipation of something new?  The weather forcing those inside to spend more time together, therefore, strengthening relationships that needed that quality time? (Of course, that could work the opposite way also).

It's time for you to volunteer your excellent voices to the Real World blog once again!

I want your stories.  I want to know what memory or event turned your world upside down.  What thing happened that either weakened or strengthened your relationship during this season between Thanksgiving and New Year's?  How did it?  Did it affect just your relationship and/or every relationship around you?  How did it change you?  How did it change the person you had/have the relationship with?

Your first love?
Death?
Friend in need?
Family in need?
Newborn?
Financial burden?
Financial blessings?
Runaway?
Depression?
Joy?
Old love renewed?
Love given up?
Falling out of love?
Worst fight ever?
Best make up ever?

Those are just off the top of my head.  But I would like you to share your story with us here at the Real World.  Share with us what you went through, can we learn from it?

I also have a few LETTERS that have been written that I will post in between your stories (if you don't know about the LETTERS posts please click HERE to find out)-along with Group Therapy-and What Would You Rather.  So VOLUNTEER and GUEST POST over here!  We, I, would love the help and would love to hear about YOU!  You can do it linked back to you or Anonymous like always.

So comment here and let me know what you want to write about and I'll schedule you... or email me at blokthoughts@gmail.com, SUBJECT: Story.

Love you all!

Shelle

Advice for the men

Shelle Edit: Okay well Ken is not a new blogger here to this blog, but this is his FIRST time posting here and he has decided to grace us with his wisdom. Have fun and check his blog out when you get a chance!

OK Guys…listen up . I am speaking to you guy-to-guy here. Look I am a single guy who has been on the prowl for a while. I have been taking my time, watching, listening, paying attention. I have even been schooled by the fairer sex on things I wouldn't even have known to look for before. I have been talking to your wives, your girlfriends, your sisters, hopefully none of your daughters, and for some of you even your moms.

Look I am not trying to brag, but I do have a gift. I have developed a keen sense of listening. No..NOT hearing..that is involuntary! I am talking about the art of true listening. To be honest sometimes women treat me like I am their gay friend and I really don't mind. Total strangers will pour their secrets out to me, and I am not even sure why. All though I suspect part of it is I can quickly make someone very comfortable about talking to me. The thing is I have been listening and learning. I want to share what I have learned to help some of you guys out here, because almost unanimously women tell me most guys are clueless.

Now lest you think I am some sort of "Ladies Man" ( I hate that term) or Don Juan ( hate that term even more) I am not. In fact, that's why a lot of women are so comfortable with me. I really don't come across as having an agenda. I am not looking to see how many of these women's panties I can get inside. It's totally not my style. Although if I really wanted it to be my goal to get horizontal with as many of them I could…easily…why? Well that is what I am about to tell you. Understanding these things has lined me up with more potential action than I could ever handle. I have never really needed a dating site or a personal ad because I understand these things. Women contact me out of the blue all the time. All…. the….. time. I am not bragging it's just a fact.

So whether you want to step up your game, or just make your current relationship better here are few things you may or may not already know. Live 'em , learn 'em…LOVE THEM.

1) She wants you to listen to her….not just hear her, or even worse endure her. Do you know the difference? If the answer is no then keep in mind women DO know the difference, and it is very important to them. In fact for many women having a guy actually listen to them and be genuinely interested is like foreplay. They will tell you it is a total turn-on.

2) You are NOT all that and a bag of chips. I don't care if you have won the Superbowl or are the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. Yes, women love confidence, and its true power can be intoxicating, but in reality I think most women will tell you self-indulgent smarminess is a total turn-off. It's the core of who you are that is important not the picture you paint of all that you THINK you are. While we are at what the hell is up with fat guys who say rude things about their wives/girlfriend's weight? That shit just pisses me off. I am always looking at these guys and thinking WTF are you serious?? Have you looked in a mirror? You guys are the exception…YOU ARE all that and a bag of chips. In fact, you are every bag of chips you have ever eaten!

3) A nice set of six pack abs and some decent biceps doesn't hurt, but in case you don't have them ( most of us don't) then you need to work with what you've got. It amazes me with the current imagery of what the perfect male is these days that men don't have just as many eating disorders as women. Still if you don't have the most perfect body you can work with what you have. I am not saying you can avoid exercising you lazy couch potato bastard! No.. I am not saying that at all in fact get your lazy ass up right now and give me 25 for thinking it (said in my best R. Lee Ermey voice)!!

What I am saying here is women want a guy that thinks enough of himself to take care of himself regardless of what he has going for him physically. I am not even saying the latest fashions are necessary because jeans and a t-shirt will do just fine depending how you carry yourself. Try not to slouch, sit like like a slob, pick, and/or scratch all the time. Ok..get it??? If this doesn't make sense go see your mom about personal grooming.

4) Being able to show emotion is a sign of strength not weakness. If I had a dime for every woman who has told me she is with an emotionless soulless pit. I'd have a dime..ok just kidding…I'd have at least like $1.60. A lot of women tell me that their man is capable of only two emotions basically anger and elation (usually associated with a Sports victory of some kind) who suddenly expects to hop right to the sack at the drop of a dime. Guys ..really…some women would rather have sex with a dry vagina. I am generalizing, but if I am being honest most women need some kind of emotion/attention/shutthef*ckupandlistenforaminute first before givin' you a trip to pleasure town.

Whether it is love , laughter, or sincere appreciation of beauty that shit is like important to their stimulation (that tingling feeling between their thighs). Now you have to be careful here not to over do it. Women who like men (notice the qualifier here) dig the masculine for a reason. They want a guy who is strong and confident, and and takes the lead now and then. If you are too emotional …like totally limp wristed emotional.. you know like crying all the time…well it becomes drama and is totally draining. Women don't do draining very well. In fact, men don't either. Don't be this guy

5) All women have a bad girl side. Do you hear me? They all have it…They ALL want something down and dirty sometimes. The question is not whether it is there, but how to get it out of them. Number one rule. They have to feel comfortable with you. You make them feel awkward about their body, their emotions, their closeness to you and all bets are off. Part of that feeling close to you is knowing you respect them, and yes it does have emotional quotient to it. Look..I get it... having fun, casual sex isn't bad. I know some here will tell you all the quasi religious and moral reasons its bad. I am not here to argue that subject (yet), because I do believe, and know that on some level the sex you have with someone you are totally in love with and feel comfortable with is off the friggin' wall compared to any casual encounter. You think that wife of yours that you have been married to all these years can't possibly have a dirty freak side. I am telling you that you are wrong. You just got to know how to bring it out of her. Oh and for the record just sitting her down in front of the computer with porn and saying "here watch this" doesn't work.

Coming home from work, acknowledging her day, helping with the kids, talking to her sweetly..well that does work. Now you find the real dirty side of someone you are in love in with, and all I can say is two things. Plan on being up all night…and plan on having a pitcher of water in the room somewhere you are going to want to stay hydrated!

6) Validated - I know its a psychobabble word in and of itself, but the concept is a real one. It has to do with those good old emotions again (are you seeing a pattern yet?). Now it is a stereotype to say that all women are over emotional pools of neediness.Look… guys.. it is tremendously short sighted for you to not recognize that women do internalize and handle emotions different than men. There is certainly a genetic component to this, and it may be very well born out of the role that most women have to be nurturers. NOW PAY ATTENTION:These emotions are very real and they need to be addressed. If you blow them off, ignore them, or indicate in any way you find them stupid or trivial, well you are just asking to get junk punched. Not to mention you will spend the rest of the evening asking "What's Wrong?" which is like the sex "kiss of death". If you had paid attention in the first place numb nuts..YOU would KNOW what is wrong and you would probably be fixing it right now with more sex.

7) I thought about leaving this out, but I think many women might not forgive me if I do. Learn how to give gifts. You stupid idiot...giving an ironing board as a gift is going to get you throat stabbed!! Here is a training video on what NOT to do

Seriously, a lot of women complain that that guys stop remembering birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine's day etc. It's not even that you didn't give them big luxury gifts or wonderful vacations (although its always nice). The thing that irks women to no end is you stopped being thoughtful. The small heartfelt gifts are the ones that they remember the most. It's not that you spent a fortune it's that you took the time to really think about who they are, and what they would appreciate that counts. Remember you get bonus points for just doing something out of the blue without an occasion or obligation being tied to it.

8) Last but certainly not least. If they took time to get all dolled up for you..tell them how stunning and sexy they look. If they did something nice for you let them know how much you appreciate them. If they smell nice let them know, and give them a kiss on the neck. If you think about them often..let them know. I know women have eyes in their back of their head ( at least my Mom did). That being said they are not mind readers..lie detectors yes…mind readers no. They need to hear it..not just that you thought it waaaaay after the fact…

Finally, If you love them..tell them…tell them every single day.

OK that's it for now. That's all I got. if you got more feel free to add them. If you think I am wrong feel free to let me know. I know for some this will seem like a How-to manual to get past women's emotions and get laid, but that is not it it all. It is more complicated than that, but really most guys DO want to know how to get past a women's emotions and get laid. There is nothing wrong with that. It's in our nature. The problem in attempting this is if a guy is insincere about what he is saying, or his agenda is all lit up like a fucking Christmas tree.He and by he I mean you are going to fail, and fail miserably! What I am doing here is trying to help guys understand what they might not be aware of. Oh..by the way... If you are woman reading this you have to know that kind of understanding is apparently rare. Rare like a f*cking unicorn or the McRib.

Gotta say for the record though…based on my research. I thinkwhat I have to say is pretty spot on.

Ken

Mate Poaching... do you do it? Do you know someone who does?

Shelle Edit:  I met CityMom over at The Urban Cowboy's site.  I wrote a Monday Maverick for him and then She did!  I love her enthusiasm and the way she is so day to day real on her blog.  She is newer to blogging than most, but by reading her blog and the way she comments, you wouldn't ever know.  We welcome her as a Guest Contributor and check out her blog after she writes about why women take each other's man!

Catty: "Is that him?" (eyes tall, dark and handsome male working his way through crowd)
Polly: "Yes! How do I look?" (keeps eye on male)
Catty: "I told you! You look great." (checking her own reflection, Catty ignores Polly and eyes Polly's fiance as he approaches)
John - the mate - reaches Polly,  swoops her up in his arms, kisses her and hugs her tight. Over Polly's shoulder John spies Catty who is giving him a sultry, come-do-me once-over...
Sound Familiar??? You Betcha.  Catty is the classic "poacher".  If a girlfriend has him, then she wants him too.  Now, I'm not talking about threesomes.  Personally I think that's more of a MFM success story but that's another post topic.

Is there a female out there reading this who has NOT had a  girlfriend try to poach her date, mate, husband?  Yes girls, a lot of us have done this...ugly as it may seem this behavior is quite common AND one of the "mating strategies" that has lead to the successful continuation of the human race.

And what about John, our gallant hero?  The devoted mate is so focused on Polly that he wouldn't even notice another female putting herself on the table...right?

Wrong!  Research shows that male "short term mating" (fling, affair, quickie) dates back to the stone age when part of the males' job was to reproduce many times to ensure survival of the tribe.  Where a female could at best produce one child per year (not getting into multiple births here), a virile male could produce, in theory, a child for every willing female in the tribe.

While this mass reproduction is no longer necessary in our society, the behavior patterns for men and women survive and are still in practice.  In a recent survey, one of the reasons listed by women who engaged in short term mating was "getting something" in return. Jewelry, dinner, clothing.  This tendency is even more pronounced if the female is in a marriage with a male who does not provide adequately for her.  Law of the jungle.  The old man has no money so she's out shopping around for something better.  So much for better or for worse.
The guy, well he wants the quickie enjoyed by his ancestors.  Basically, men who cheat lower their standards of selection (since they have no longterm interest in the one nighter they don't care if she'll produce quality offspring).  In fact, the male of our species prefers to meet the female and bed her as quickly as possible.  He then experiences a marked drop in his attraction to her, and bolts for the door.  According to cultural anthropology this can be traced back to the early need to copulate for reproduction's sake also.

Whatever.  I think that some people always want what they are not supposed to have. Or maybe they think of the other person's relationship as a test.  Hmm, she's happy with him. He must be a good guy.  Think I'll snag him.

Although research shows that men and women poach a lot.  In fact - this shocked me - men actually poach more!  I've always thought of this as a female specialty.
The men I know have always stated that it's an unspoken rule of "Men's World" - you just don't do that to a buddy.  Ok, so maybe the poacher doesn't know the guy.  That would make it ok in "Men's World"?  Who knows?

My most memorable experience with a female poacher was one of my college roommates.  Let's call her "Susie".  Susie liked sex.  Plain and simple.  Now mind you she was selective.  She looked around, found what she wanted and went after him.

Her tastes were diverse.  She usually saw 3 or 4 men at the same time (not all at once, but concurrently).

The first time I realized this about her was when her mother told me she enjoyed meeting the guy I had been dating.  Funny thing is...I never introduced them.  Seems the minute I left town for a week Susie and Joe were rutting like rabbits.  When I returned there was ZERO, I mean no behavior change on either of their sides.  Furthermore neither one of them was particularly repentant when I did find out.

What makes these folks tick?  They couldn't stand each other as people.  They just wanted to shag. 
Then (yes, I roomed with her after that - long story), while she never poached me again over our four years as roommates I would sometimes have to sit in the living room visiting with the guy who arrived to pick her up so she could shuttle the afternoon squeeze out the back door!

There were at least 3 married men who she didn't want any part of except the sex.  Oh, and one math professor who must have been 50! Yuck - we were like 21.  He had a gray beard and a pot belly.  Why would she want him?

So my point is rather lost in this rambling but while I agree there may be some psychology of evolution behind "poaching", I think basically there are always folks who take what they want and don't give a damn if anyone gets hurt in the process.

And mind you, none of the men were blameless.  They all knew they were married or committed and they all knew what Susie wanted. 

So what do you think?  Is it ok for a man or woman in a committed relationship to grab some on the side?  Why or why not.  Do you and your partner have a share and share alike relationship?

Let's hear from you.

Thanks for reading.

CityMom

How I found out my son wasn't a virgin.

Children never think that their parents were ever children. Some weird synapses of the brain programs them to believe that their parents were plopped on earth as fully formed adults ready, willing and able to raise them. 

In some ways, I think the reverse is also true. Parents don't ever think their babies will become adults. I know we all imagine our children as grown, thinking of them being president or finding the cure for cancer.  In my case, I just was hopeful I'd be able to get them through school and out of the house at one point without visiting them in prison at any point.  But I digress.  When my son was born, it was a total surprise. Not that I was having a baby, I had that figured out, but that he was a he!  A sonogram early on predicted he was a she. (1985 sonograms not very advanced.)  My husband and I only had picked out a girls name. Everything I'd gotten for my shower was pink and/or girly.  So, you see HE was a huge surprise.  In more ways than one, he was freakin' HUGE! The boy weighed 10 pounds, one ounce at birth. Vaginal birth.  He looked like Mao Tse Tung, he was just adorable!

I did think about him becoming a man but it was a distant thought and I just never got my brain to accept the idea that he, my adorable baby boy, was actually destined to become an actual grown-up male human being. He did keep growing – the terrible two's, the I-only-want-mommy phase, the I-only-want-daddy phase, the I-hate-my-sister phase, the I-hate-everyone-phase, and the dreaded puberty.

A boy in puberty is a trial from nature. I finally understood why some species eat their young.  Again, I digress.  He grew and matured.  He began to take long showers and then he began to date. His first serious girlfriend was at the age of 15.  She was a very nice girl, got him to go to church – three times a week! They dated about a year. They were madly in love and then she dumped him.  Oh! The Agony!  That lasted about two months and my boy was back on the dating scene.  His next girlfriend, while nice, was a few months older than my son and was years wiser.  They were in lust.  I don't think she knew what church was let alone enter one, not that I'm judging, mind you.

While I could recognize the fact that my son, now a teenager with five o'clock shadow and a deep baritone voice, I still couldn't bear to admit to myself that he was on the verge of adulthood and all that entailed until the morning of July 5th of the year he was turning 17.  On that morning, I was picking up clothing from the bathroom floor to place in the hamper when a condom wrapper fell out of the pocket of his shorts. An empty condom wrapper.  An empty glow-in-the-dark (yellow) condom wrapper.

My baby, my sweet precious baby boy and his tart of a girlfriend had celebrated our country's independence with a BANG! He had also declared his own independence that exploded my delusion that children stay children.



Nitebyrd--> has also written for us HERE and HERE

Breaking UP or Breaking Through

Have you found yourself in a relationship where the frustration level and the number of times you butt

heads with each other seems to increase by the second?

You say blue, she says red, and the fights just seem to be going in circles.

If the answer is yes, then some say you may be at what they call "the break UP point."

But I wonder, is it break UP, or break through?

Maybe you're at the place where you're finding out things about each other that you need to fix.

Maybe it's an opportunity. A critical one, but an opportunity nonetheless.

Let's say the honeymoon's over, and you start that constant UPhill drive to build a relationship. If you

start bumping heads, instead of uglies, then it might be time for a "re-group", or chat, if you will. The

first few months and even years of a realtionship are the most critical time to build that relationship. If

you stop doing the little things that make the day nice; good bye kisses, notes, texts now that we're in the

modern era, and frisky, friendly, flirting, then you're at a break UP point. It's time to be really honest with

each other and compromise, work things out. Break through, not break UP.

"My wife/husband doesn't understand me." Isn't just a line from some jerk in a bar. It might be the

truth. People come from different backgrounds, and no two homes are exactly alike. Heck, the five

children in my family could not be more different, but were raised by the same two people, and for most

of our lives, in the same house. So, blending two people into one family takes work. Understanding each

other isn't easy, and it's a constant task. People change, times change, ideas change, goals change. Make

sure you talk about the changes you are going through, and make sure you include your partner in them.

Don't break UP, break through.

If you start to punish each other, things are getting serious. I'm not talking about a little mutual friendly

S&M kids, I'm talking about passive agressive behavior. You know, "he left his clothes on the floor, so I

just won't put them in the load of laundry I'm doing even though there's room." Or "She never puts the

cap back on the toothpaste, so I'll just leave the seat UP!"

Stop it!

It's silly, and it's dangerous. Resentment can build, feelings get hurt, the game escalates, and then all hell

breaks loose!

Use it as a break through point, not a break UP point.

Have you stopped "fighting" or "arguing"? Well, that's a danger sign. Walking out of the room gets

nothing done. And even though you can't unsay things you've said, sometimes you have to say them.

(This is not permission to be a jerk, think before you speak!)

Fighting isn't a bad thing. It clears the air. I'm not saying you should start throwing pots and pans, and

no one needs a baseball bat, but talk about it. Yell if you have to. When you stop fighting at all, you've

stopped fighting for the relationship, and you've reached a break UP point. Use it as a break through.

Have you actually thought about leaving? Well, then you're at a break UP point. You need to regroup,

take a few days and think it out. Some therapists recommend leaving for a few days or a week at this

point. I'm not so sure. Maybe a weekend with the girls (if you're the girl), or a fishing trip, or camping

will do some good. But don't say, "we need some time apart". That may just be what your partner wants

to hear, and it may not be the real solution. Stick it out, but take some time. Go visit some friends or

family, or go see the Biltmore House, but spend some serious windshield time thinking just how your life

would be if you walked. You may envision something that isn't possible, and hopefully you'll realize that

you're where you need and WANT to be. Make it a break through.

Once you've thought about it, and worked it out. It's time to take a stand. A stand for the relationship

or a stand to walk away. Go back, talk, make decisions. Life is way too short to be miserable. Both of

you need to try, and both of you need to work at it. Evenly, and willingly. If you don't try, it's a break UP point. If you do, you might just break through.

UP- who also guest posted for us HERE.

To Get Along or NOT to get Along? In laws...

I get along pretty well with my in-laws. My husband parents are divorced, and both are remarried. My husband has three older sisters, and while I’m not particularly close with any of them, we also get along pretty well. My mother-in-law and I are pretty close. We talk on the phone at least once a week, normally, and even though we disagree on politics and religion, we have a friendly relationship. It hasn’t always been that way, though.

When my husband and I started dating, his mother made it no secret that she wasn’t that fond of me. I, being a polite young Southern girl, was always polite to her, but she made me feel very uncomfortable, to say the least. He was her baby, and her only boy out of four children. I was not invited to the family Christmas party at his mother’s house the year we were engaged, even though we were, you know, engaged, where in contrast, my husband has always been welcome at my family events, even when we’d only been dating a few weeks. My mother had always been benignly mistreated by my father’s parents, and figured that as long as I was happy with him, she’d make sure he felt welcome.

My husband joined the Army in the first year of our marriage, and shipped out 7 months after the wedding. On the last day before he left, I took him to the recruiter’s office, where his dad met up with us. I’ve always felt close to his dad, maybe because I don’t have one of my own, but he and his wife have always made me feel like part of the family. I even lived with them for a while when I came home, pregnant, during my husband’s deployment. Anyway, my husband was sent to a hotel in Atlanta, right outside the airport, because he’d be flying out in the morning. After he checked in, he was given permission to leave the hotel, as long as a civilian signed him out. Well, of course, he’d forgotten his glasses so I drove to the hotel to take them to him.

While I was there, his mother called. He told her that he was free to go out for dinner, so she said she’d come up. He told her that I was there, and I heard her say that she just wanted it to be them, and our niece that was visiting his mom. I lost it. I sat in my car and cried like a baby. My husband half-heartedly offered to call her and insist that I come along (he’s never been good about standing up to his parents), but by that point my face was red and splotchy, I was angry with both of them, and I’d used my sleeves as Kleenex (gross, I know). The last time I saw my husband before he shipped out was with a tear-stained face, and a heavy heart; my mother-in-law obviously didn’t want me around, and apparently keeping the peace was more important to my husband than standing up for me.

When my husband graduated AIT (advanced individual training), my sister and I drove to Missouri for his graduation. His mom flew into St. Louis, and we picked her up from the airport. It was a 2 hour drive back to Fort Leonard Wood, and it actually wasn’t half bad. It was one of the first times we’d been together without my husband as a buffer. We went to these caves that were on the way and took a tour, and she stayed in our hotel room to save a little money. It was a little awkward, especially for my sister, to have to share a hotel room with her, but we made it work. We all drove back to Georgia together; me, my husband, his mother, and my sister, plus all his Army gear, in a Plymouth Neon. Still, it was far too soon to say that were close, or that we even liked one another.

I know plenty of people don’t get along with their in-laws, even after years or decades of having a spouse/child in common. For us, we didn’t really start getting along until my daughter was born. I guess she figured out that at this point, even if I divorced her son tomorrow, we were always going to be a part of each others’ lives. For me, well, I learned to ignore the sometimes hurtful comments, and eventually they ceased. I started to appreciate the woman who obviously adored my daughter, who sent care packages to the baby and me in Germany as often as she sent them to her son in Afghanistan. I started to really enjoy our chats, and even look forward to the phone calls I’d make to her.

I’m sure to her, I was just someone who was trying to take her son away, and the thing is, it was true. Because I was uncomfortable around his mother, we both avoided her, for the most part. When we did have to spend time with her, we made our excuses quickly, because he knew how awkward it was for me. As I became more comfortable spending time with her, it became easier for him to spend time with her. Now, well, we still disagree about politics and religion, but we don’t really talk about it. We do, however, agree that we both love her son, and the children that her son and I have produced, and that gave us some excellent building blocks to build a relationship that was just ours.

Do you have problems with your in-laws, or have you overcome what was once a problem relationship with them? Are there some relationships that just can’t be saved?

Elaina- She has also guest posted for us HERE.

Three years ago I was a bad a$* huntin guy that could nearly do anything and everything...

Shelle Edit: Owl is what we call in BlogLand... a lurker.  When he comments he does it anonymously and signed Owl.  He felt the impression to write this post.  I am so glad he did.  He may or may not comment back in comments... but please, if so inspired, leave a comment.  Thanks.

Three years ago I was a bad ass huntin guy that could nearly do anything and everything. I even went bear hunting in Alberta Canada almost to the arctic circle and bagged a 330 lb black bear with one shot... On the first evening of the hunt.

When I returned to my home in MD, I suddenly discovered I had issues. I had the shakes, like a leaf on a tree... could not focus on work, home, kids or even do the things that were common tasks to me.

I went to my family doctor who immediately said I need to have an MRI. I put that off for a few days because my wife is a very influential employee at the local hospital and said she could set up an appointment where I could just walk in and have the test done instead of waiting 4 hours.

The next day I got a call from wifey, K you need to check into the hospital for tests. The family doctor says you have a serious condition that needs to be evaluated right away.

So I go home, argue about checking in, eventually I give in.

I see a cardiologist that evening and he knows almost immediately what the issue is...

Congestive heart failure.

He starts medication and orders a stress test (which turns out normal) what doesn't turn out normal is an EKG and echocardiogram. I am definitely headed for a heart attack.

I talk out several options with a my cardiologist and an electrophysiologist... how can someone go from being healthy to talking about being an ideal candidate for a heart transplant in such a short period of time? No real answer is given by either doctor, just scenarios!

I have a defibulator implanted in January of the following year. In July of that same year I was doing my favorite thing (water skiing) and the defib goes off... NOT once but six times. I'm nearly in shock... Kids and wife are frantic... and ASK me what I think? I said what do you think? I need to go to the hospital! So I do... come to find out the defib picked up on a rapid heart rate (euphoria). They up the heart rate threshold on the pacer/defib. DUH

So three years later I live with CHF and the fact it may cut my life short... The good news is the meds have been mostly good for me... except the anxiety and depression that go along with the diagnosis and fact I never know when the defib will go off.

How does one deal with the outcome? How do you get past the anxiety and depression?


Who else lives with the same or similar condition?


Help? 

OWL

I was like Ali on the Bachelorette; I gave up everything for love

Shelle Edit: Megs is new to me, but she seems like someone anyone could have fun with.  Her blog definitely says originality.  She knows all the celeb gossip and Media stuff... it cracks me up. I was so happy when she asked to do a post over here.  I hope she writes for us again, thanks Megs.  Check out her blog HERE.

I believe there is a human need to move away from home at some point. A great example of this is the family on Raising Sextuplets. Have you seen this show? This season the couple has decided to move their family of 8 (No they are not Jon and Kate they just have sextuplets) across the country away from both of their families. I watch this show wanting to pull my hair out. I completely agree with their parents that they are making a huge mistake!

When Hubby graduated from college in December 2oo6, the economy was still good. He had a few job offers to chose from and we had no idea the economy was going to crash. He had never really lived in a big city or away from his family. So he accepted a job 595 miles away from home (when I emailed Shelle about this topic I said, 800 miles, guess it just feels like it). It was going to be an adventure and after a year or two he would move where the company needed him. Three and a half years later we are still 595 miles from our families due to the economy slowing down.

I was like Ali on the Bachelorette; I gave up everything for love. We moved to one of the most beautiful places in the world and then the economy crashed. I struggled for two years trying to get a teaching job. You guys all know how hard teaching jobs are to get in California right now, right? So now I am at a job that isn't fulfilling and live far from my family. You know what they say, happy wife equals happy life. Neither of us planned this or signed up for this.

If we had chosen a different job and stayed near our families we might have bought a house by now. Again, the economy is to blame for us still being renters. Since we rent we don't have a dog like we one day dream of having. We have missed holidays, Sunday night dinners, and lots of fun times with people we love.

I know playing "the what if" game is dangerous because you never really know. I do believe everything happens for a reason but my faith has been put through the ringer. I try to look at the positives. Some of you are probably annoyed that I am complaining when we both have jobs. I know we are lucky. Obviously we both completely appreciate our families and now cherish every minute we get to spend with them. Probably the most positive thing is another what if, what if we hadn’t moved and our relationship didn't progress the same way. That is why I gave it all up for love and took this adventure because I knew nothing else mattered except becoming this man's wife.

How has the economy affected your relationship? Have you ever moved away from your family? Did you move back?

If you want to read about this crazy life we are living and see pretty wedding pictures check out my blog!

IS there a ONE and ONLY?

IS THERE A ONE AND ONLY

Image taken from HERE

I am a 59 year old woman, married ------three times.

It was never my intention to be married three times. I was always a believer in Happy Ever After. I was an optomistic Pollyanna. Marriage turned out to be a journey for me. I have come full circle.

At present, I am married to my First Love. The one I met 41 years ago, lost my virginity to. I was 17 and he was almost 21. He wanted to marry me, proposed when I was 18, but because of religious differences my parents strongly objected. STRONGLY. I was not particularily the rebellious type, couldn't fight that battle, so we ended up seperating.

I went away to school, found someone who I thought "fit the bill" of what my parents wanted for me and I tried to convince myself that it was right. We were engaged 2 months after having met and married 2 months after that. I really didn't even KNOW the guy. On our wedding day, just before those vulnerable moments before saying "I Do", I was sick inside. I knew I was not in love.

I was in love with WANTING to BE in love again.

During the first 4 years of our marriage, I contacted my First Love (who for the rest of this post I will refer to as F.L.). He wanted me back, but I still wasn't ready for THAT challenge. I already had a child, was still trying to hang on to the possibility of Happy Ever After. I was afraid. So, we said goodbye....again.

I stayed married to #1 for 22 years and had 5 children who I wouldn't trade for the world. It wasn't that he was particularily a bad husband. I just could not for the life of me, find a way to Fall In Love with him. I prayed: "Please Lord, help me fall in love with my husband."

I knew as the children got older that I was becoming more miserable. I did not want to be alone with him. Felt empty. To wind things up a little here, I asked for a divorce. It was painful. It was ugly. It was a collapse of my Happy Ever After.

I had met someone else. I felt connected. I felt again that rush of being in love. I really wanted him. This man was 15 years younger then me. (there are pressures to being married to someone that much younger,.....another post perhaps)

We dated for two years before getting married. He had never been married before and it was only about a year into the marriage he had reservations if it would work, and considered leaving me. He was a little overwhelmed by my Big Family. But we made it through 13 years together. I was happy.

Then out of the blue, from nowhere, my F.L. found me, contacted me. He was able to do that because after my first divorce, I kept my maiden name. I remember thinking, What is going on here. After all this time, Is it possible NOW we are actually able to be together, or is this just some sick joke God is playing on me. Now I know God doesn't play sick jokes on people folks, but that is kinda what I was thinking. It was that traumatic.

All those feelings, loss and wanting of 41 years ago came flooding back. When he first emailed me, my body went literally numb. The next few months were hell. I still loved #2, but was consumed with the possibility that I could be back with F.L.

I went to see a therapist. I needed a clear head.

Now I have to tell you that F.L.'s journey had been much the same as mine. He married a girl older then him......she already had children. They had none together. It ended badly. He had several other relationships over the years and swore he'd never marry again. He said he was never able to find what he and I had all those years ago. He tried, but couldn't find it.

I ended up telling #2 about all of this. He told me to go and meet F.L. and see how we felt about each other. He didn't want to live in someone elses shadow and have me think over the years "I wonder, what if, I should have".

He quoted to me that old saying "If you love someone set them free, if they come back to you, it was meant to be."

But I didn't....come back. A year ago June I flew up to Canada to meet F.L. We both still felt strongly towards each other. We cried. We felt like maybe NOW, fate was in our corner. We could be together.

I went home and told #2 my decision. We cried.

So here I am, in the last stages of my life, back with the man where it all began. A destiny fulfilled??

It has not been easy. There is still pain. In fact, I will always love #2, but there was something so deep within me I was compelled to make that hard decision.

So here is my question for you. IS THERE A ONE AND ONLY?

I saw on a tv show awhile ago where they were talking about re-connections, first loves, that sort of thing. They referred to it as a type of Imprinting having taken place.

It raises the question, do we have a soul mate? F.L. told me he felt within himself he could only love once, and that love had been me. He was never able to really duplicate it.

If God or some Mythical Marriage Magi were to give me another chance.....another opportunity for a choice. You may pick either #1, #2 or #3......you get one more chance.

I would pick #3......F.L. I am still going through stages of emotionally releasing myself from #2.

I believe there are different depths of love.

Is everything perfect. No. But we are blissfully in love. I think I did have a ONE AND ONLY.

What do you think? Do you believe there is just a one and only for everyone? Tell us your opinion.


Wendy

We look forward to the summer as a couple.

Shelle Edit: I have known MaeRae for just a short while, but what I love about her writing is you can tell that her family works.  I mean her relationship with her husband and her boys, it all just works.  I love reading about her time with them, for me it is intriguing.  I feel like I'm sitting on a couch listening to her tell me a story when I read her blog and I like that. Here is part of her profile, which backs up what I am saying, "I am a spoiled, but not rotten, mother of three boys and wife to the greatest guy ever."  She has posts to back that sentence up! :)  Go check out her blog after you read what she has to say here. Thank MaeRae... I love how open you are with the topic!

What's one thing you and your spouse look forward to in the summer? Do you have something that you guys just do to get time together that you can't do in the winter or other seasons?

I am not the usual woman that you read about or know.  I was raised in a large family of boys and am not afraid of those things that most woman are.  In fact, I do things that most women would NEVER.  One of those things is spend the summer in the woods with no hot water, internet or cable.  I have husband and three boys and am not afraid to kill spiders or take a fish off the hook.  The other thing that I am not afraid of telling people is that I like sex and don’t get enough of it.  Have you ever heard a woman complain about this?

Backing up a few years, my husband had been diagnosed with possible testicular cancer.  They only way to determine if it is definitely cancer is to remove the testicle and biopsy the mass. Thank the Lord above that it was not and he is healthy.  However, it was a mass of testosterone producing cells producing more testosterone cells.  My husband had a libido that was even with mine.  We would have sex at least twice a week.

Since the removal of the testicle three years ago, his drive has become very limited.  I am lucky to be able to get him twice a month now.  I have been told it is not so much drive but fatigue.  I guess this one of the side effects but it still affects the everyday aspects of life when you cannot stay up past 7 pm.

Back to now, summer has a different effect on my husband.  Maybe it is the fresh air, maybe it is extra adrenaline or maybe it is NATURE in general.  My husband has more energy.  My husband is up later at night and wanting to do some much more than any other time of the year.

During the summer months we steal away time.  With three boys in a 450 square foot cabin it is hard to find alone time, but in the summer we make it a point to.  It may be a trip out on the pond in the canoe and a quick trip to the shore where there is no foot traffic.  It may be stealing a swim late at night with no clothes on. It may be an early morning rise because the birds are right outside the window waking and telling us it is time.

During the summer, my husband and I are in much closer quarters and this is something that we enjoy ever year.  Me, I am much more relaxed, I think it is the increase in sex.  He, it is a feeling alive and back to the way he was before.  Whatever the reason, we look forward to the summer.  We look forward to the together time again.

Is there a season that you and your spouse feel you connect closer in?  Being open, is sex a contributing factor to that feeling of closeness?

MaeRae

What my parents taught me...

Shelle Edit:  Glamazon has an incredible talent.  She has 4 kids, the last 3 are all within 2 and 1/2 years of each other... which brings for great blogging material and incredibly witty and sarcastic posts. You have to go read her!  Well after you read this post. :)

Once, long ago, I was an 18-year-old who knew it all. I remember sitting outside on the front porch with my parents one summer evening and telling them, "My marriage will be nothing like yours." The words weren't spoken out of anger, it was simply a fact. I had fallen for the fairy tale stories hook, line, and sinker. My parents never held hands. They weren't affectionate. When I asked my mom how she knew my dad was the one, she answered, "I'm not sure I ever did. I just made a decision and it worked out for us." What? No moment of certainty gazing into each other's eyes? No fireworks? In my mind marriage was a journey with a best friend, someone you couldn't get enough of, basically fifty years of one endless perfect date.

The husband and I will celebrate our eighth wedding anniversary this December, and I am much older and wiser about the subject of marriage. Although I adore my hubby most days, we both have days where we don't like each other much. It's hard to hold hands when they are full of babies, and that endless perfect date has turned into sleepless nights, diapers, and trying to build toward a common goal. My parents were right-marriage is a lot of day-to-day work, practicality, and basically just getting through it. There are magical moments that make it all worth it, but they can be few and far between.

My parents relationship taught me lessons I never thought I would need: how to work hard, stay together, and just do your best. It might sound harsh, but sometimes reality is a well-needed lesson.

When the kids are in bed, we watch TV together and hold hands. I'm still a bit of a romantic, but now, twelve years later, I would tell my parents, "I'd be pretty lucky if my marriage turns out like yours."

Is there anything in your parents relationship that you learned... good or bad?

Glamazon Mom

Better Left Unsaid

Arguing is my full-time job. We call it our "craft" and hone our abilities to a finely sharpened sword. I can chest thump and posture as well as any male attorney - and often have to do it louder and harder to overcome my long hair, breasts and lack of male genitalia.

It's a challenge to turn that side of my personality off. Harder still is that hubby is also a litigator. And when two people who get paid to argue turn those skills on each other, watch out!

My horoscope yesterday said that I need to work on finding a sensor between what I think and what I say. Well...no kidding! There's no greater place I need to fight for that sensor button than in my relationship.

With little things, it's no problem. Like when I gave our son a cupcake for breakfast yesterday morning as a reward for his using the potty. Before I knew it, my finger was at my lips, "Shhh...this will be our little secret, honey. Daddy doesn't need to know you ate frosting for breakfast."

For a long time, I also didn't tell hubby about my blog. I wasn't hiding it from him, per se. It never came up in conversation and I liked having my own little slice of cyberspace where I could write ANYTHING I wanted. I didn't want to have to censor myself because family could be lurking out there reading my stuff, giving me free reign to bitch about hubby or my in-laws if the mood struck.

Larger things are tougher to keep in. I'm not talking the "honey, I went out and dropped a grand on things we don't need while we're supposed to be saving for a house" stuff. Or "whoops! I bounced the mortgage payment this month."

I'm also not talking about little white lies. When I was pregnant and big as a house, I'm glad he said I was beautiful. He could have told me (accurately) that I looked rather...bovine. I return the favor by not pointing out that his tie clashes with his shirt and he shouldn't be wearing his brown shoes with the black pants on a day he took extra care with his appearance.

I mean things like "I hate your mother."

Those words never should have escaped my lips. Come to think of it, neither should "If you think that woman is going to be alone with our son ever again, it'll be over my dead body."

The gory details which led up to those statements don't really matter and I make no apologies for feeling that way. I still maintain that I was right and she was dead wrong. Despite that, I could have handled the situation better and didn't need to make a public spectacle of things.

But the part I feel badly about is that he didn't have to know. As pissed off as I was, hubby could have remained blissfully ignorant - or willfully blind. He didn't have to be made to feel like he had to choose between his wife and mother.

I probably deserved it when he told me if I couldn't get over his mom being in our son's life it was over. Did he mean it? I don't really want to find out. I kind of wish he kept THAT one to himself.

Should there be open communication in a marriage? Absolutely! Should you tell your spouse every little thing? I say HELL NO!

Think about it. Do you really want to know all the dark thoughts lurking in the recesses of your partner's head?

I sure don't. What I don't know, can't hurt me...

Jaime  --Has also posted for us HERE

I believe Sex can be used as a tool

Shelle Edited:  First of all... I still need more pictures of you guys and your awesome relationships!!!  If you don't know what I'm talking about click HERE.

Secondly, Chris is no stranger here... he wrote about his bout with depression right HERE.  But I still wanted to put in this edit, because he did a VLOG the other day, and well, he did some interpretive dance, and I think everyone should see it.  It's a 5 star must see.  Just make sure you don't have any liquids in your mouth before hand... Just sayin.

I was aimlessly perusing the blogosphere a few short weeks ago, trying to drum up something to write about. Since I’m not dedicated to any one particular subject, I scrolled through my list of blogs ranging on subjects from fatherhood to baseball to Kim Kardashian to movies to the highly addictive hobby of scab collecting. I came across this blog, the only one I visit regarding relationships, and was struck with excitement as Shelle was looking for contributing writers on a number of different subjects.

Since I look for as many legitimate opportunities I can to talk about sex and boobs (particularly my wife’s), I zeroed in on this subject.

By no means am I a “relationship expert” but I am a typical man full of testosterone and ready to drop everything (meaning my pants) at any moment, in any situation if it means I might be getting lucky.

So… without further adieu…

While I wish I was writing this about how, “I believe sex can be used as a tool to get what I want out of a relationship”, I’m going to be writing from the perspective of how it “can be used as a tool to get what she wants out of a relationship!”

I say this because I (and most men) cannot use sex to my advantage... that is, unless you’re Ryan Reynolds (lucky six-pack bastard). It just doesn’t work:

Me: Hey babe, can you pick me up a Red Bull on your way home from the grocery store?


My Wife: Well… I’m in a real big hurry and I don’t think I’m going to have time. I’m sorry.


Me: Okay… well… what if I let you touch my butt for a good five seconds?


My Wife: Uh… what?

Now let’s see what happens with the role reversed:

My Wife: Honey, I know we’re in the middle of a giant electrical thunderstorm but will you fix the lighting rod on top of the roof?


Me: Are you crazy? No! I could get electrocuted!


My Wife: If you go do it right now… I’ll have my naughty cop outfit on for you when you get in!


Me: Where’s my rain jacket?

Perhaps I’m wrong, but I’d be hard-pressed to think that most relationships have the “horny-male, not-as-horny-female” dynamic. From the time a guy turns thirteen, sex runs through his brain about every millisecond!

So… if you’re a woman, here’s an idea: exploit our weakness.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with using what you have to get what you want.

Now… I’m not promoting the idea of turning a relationship into a barter system 24/7 but I am saying if you want MORE of the little things done around the house (i.e. dishes, laundry, fixing the squeaky door) then they WILL get done by feeding a man’s sexual appetite.

I don’t know that I’m the only one that’s particularly privy to this information… all women are pretty familiar that a man’s brain pretty much revolves around sex all the time (and when I say “sex” I don’t just mean “the act of it”… but everything pertaining to it as well). But not many of you realize the shamelessness of using it to your advantage! Us men will shamelessly “cash that check” whenever given the opportunity!

So, if you can think of something creative… I think he’ll hang his clean laundry or take out the trash just a little bit faster than he did last week.

Papa K.

I have breast cancer...

Shelle Edit: "This is a blog by a woman in her 50's who is finally on the crooked path to find who she truly is. Married at 19 and divorced at 53. I am going to unearth the artist, the cynic, the free spirit that has been long buried. Or die trying. I've left Bethlehem and I feel free... I've left the girl I was supposed to be and some day I'll be born. ~Paula Cole"--This is how she describes herself on her profile... this was my first time to her blog... it's warned as NSFW (Not Safe For Work) but I guess I didn't scroll down enough to understand why she has that warning. What I know of Nitebyrd is she is incredibly compassionate and kind.  She also is passionate about things and how can I not love someone that has this quote at the end of every email, "I want to live my life in such a way that when my feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says, "Oh! Shit! She's awake!"

“I have breast cancer.”

My daughter said those words and my heart stopped.

My hope was that 2006 would be better than the previous year. During that year, my husband (now, ex-husband) left a job almost 20 years to start his own business. The business was pouring money out and dribbling money in. I was watching my retirement, my future, circle the drain. It had been a very difficult year. The decision my husband made was against my wishes. There was really no discussion because that’s how things always were. My unhappiness in the marriage increased in direct proportions to how quickly our (his?) money was disappearing. I prayed, begged, threatened, pleaded with “The Powers That Be” to make this New Year be better. They didn't listen.

My daughter said, “I have breast cancer.” In July of 2006, she was 28 years old. She had been married for a little over two years. Neither she nor her husband were working, they were “helping” at my husband’s business. One good thing was she had health insurance through that business. My daughter and son-in-law were living off money they’d made from a sale of their house and a small settlement they’d received from a lawsuit. My daughter and her husband were together 24/7 in a failing business with dwindling funds and now a life threatening illness. Their relationship was in trouble. To add to the drama of all this, I had decided in January of 2006 to cash in my small 401K and take a trip to Australia. I needed something to look forward to and wanted to use MY money for something that was going to give me a lifetime of good memories, not throw it into the money eating hole of my husband’s business. Selfish? Maybe, but it was something I needed to do for myself after 32 years of being a wife, mother, homemaker, office worker and person in charge of everything. My departure date was August 6, the same day my daughter was scheduled for surgery.

Once my heart started beating again, both her father and I broke down. We were totally useless for about 45 minutes weeping and swearing at God and nature in her kitchen. Once we’d pulled ourselves together, my daughter told us she would be having a lumpectomy with some lymph nodes removed to be on the safe side. Her tumor was fairly large but had been encapsulated in an antibody (pus) filled sac. Her MRI and PET scans showed a very clearly defined tumor. Her surgeon was very confident that her cancer had not spread and that the lumpectomy would get it all. Yes, this was heartening but I was still terrified for her. (There is no history of breast or prostate cancer on either side of the family. Apparently 85% of all breast cancers have no family history.) My daughter asked me not to go on my trip to Australia. I had to say no, that I still was going. I was one of the most difficult things I ever had to do.

While I knew that my relationship with her father was beyond repair, I also knew that for my own well-being, I had to go. The stress of the last 15 months had taken their toll on me – mentally and physically. If I did not get some relief, I wouldn’t be good for anyone in the future. My daughter, my son, my son-in-law and yes, even my ex-husband would need the strength I'd show for years after her surgery. I spoke to my daughter, explaining why it was necessary for me to go. I would only be gone three weeks. She understood immediately. This was a great relief to me and surprisingly, her!

My daughter was facing the scariest thing in her life and she was going to do it without the “mommy” buffer. In the family, I was the one that made the decisions, meted out the punishment,kissed the boo-boos, fixed the unfixable, made the phone calls, paid the bills, dealt with the “dirty” decisions, etc. I could always “fix it” But she knew I couldn’t fix this. She realized that there wasn’t much I could do for her other than hold her hand and maybe cook and clean for her after the surgery. She also told me that since she was going to have chemotherapy and radiation, that she’d need me for that. My daughter was only 28 going through a horrible ordeal yet she had the insight and understanding to know why her mother needed to go half-way around the world for a bit. She made me very proud.

My daughter understood, no one else did. Let me tell you that I took a rash of shit from EVERYONE and anyone. However, I would not be dissuaded. At 6:00 AM on August 6, 2006 I, along with her husband, her father, her brother, her mother and father-in-law and her cousin, kissed her and hugged her as she went into surgery. We then all waited until the surgeon came to tell us that her lymph nodes were clear and the tumor had been removed. She was in recovery, goofy from drugs but damn happy for someone just out of surgery, as we kissed good-bye and I left for the airport.

Over the three weeks I was gone, I spoke to my daughter every other day. She was marveling at how her husband was helping her so much. He was changing her drains and keeping her clean. He was doing some cooking. He asked his mother to come and stay with them for a week, which she did. He went through a very difficult patch after I'd come home but the whole experience matured both he and my daughter. My daughter and her husband started planning for the future now that it seemed much more important to do so. She loved hearing about how amazing Australia was. I was home before I knew it.

Although, my leaving for a “vacation” at this very delicate time is still a sore point with my ex-husband and some others, it has never been with my daughter. She has never once said it was wrong for me to leave. I went with her to her chemo appointments, cried with her when she lost her hair, laughed when we went to buy her wigs and have walked in the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure every year since her diagnosis. Those three weeks she spent with her husband allowed him to see her at her most vulnerable and I believe they both learned so much about each other that it was a good thing for me not to be there. My daughter has said that in a round-about way. So while it was selfish of me, it was necessary. Her diagnosis also made me realize that life is precious, it need to be enjoyed as do the people you love. I think that by her seeing that I was not just a mother but also a person, she gained valuable insight to herself and to her relationship with her husband. She enjoys her life much more now and so do I.

She has made me promise to stay around when she gets pregnant, though, and I definitely will.

Nitebyrd

P.S. She has also posted HERE.