Who is this Woman and How Do I Kill Her?

Oh boy. Already I question the "class" of my word choice within today's post title. But hey, life is really rounding some tough turns these days, and quickly my care about what anyone thinks around my writing and whether it's appropriate or not dissolves. Poof.

Question:

Have you ever had a time in your life when things just seemed to be spinning out of control? I mean, to the point where you literally talk to your own self, saying repeatedly "WHO IS THIS PERSON?"

That's the week I've had. And of course, with good reason. Yet at the same time, I've knowingly yet without intention have turned all my anger and stress towards my husband. And I feel terrible about it.

I've apologized. I've gotten mad when simply asked by him "Are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong?" I've went quiet for periods of time. I've snipped at him for things I would never normally do. And it's like I'm looking from the outside in, at this woman who is totally not herself.

This is an example of the abuse of strength in communication and respect within marriage. I made my plea and have apologized immensely. I've even taken steps to rectify the situation. All in all, we live fortunate lives. Yet, sometimes, like this week, things and decisions and life-changing moments can cause us to either separate from those we love, or present the opportunity for us to learn from those moments, and cause an even stronger bond of intimacy and closeness. I hope we've managed to do the second.

In the meantime, if I can offer one ounce of advice, it would be the following:

Don't EVER take on a new job that requires weeks away from home across the country while at the same time buying a new home and selling your own home within 7 days at full price with no contingencies which is great at first but then allows you absolutely no way to back out of the deal which is exactly what you'd want to do when you unexpectedly find out that the inspection on the home you're buying came back with major issues including electrical fire hazards and gas leaks that could cost up to $10,000 which the seller refuses to fix and you've realized that you may be homeless because the ruthless real estate agent who was supposedly your dear friend has too much money on the line to now ensure "all things work out" as she has also already sold the house of the people buying your own.

Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep Breath.

I'm opening the wine early tonight. And to my dear beloved husband and to any other man out there that must tolerate the behavior us woman bestow upon all of you at some point or another:

God Bless You.



And I am sincerely sorry.

Marriage and Budgeting... Suggest this new Line Item Expense

After 3 months of becoming a victim of our down-spiraling economy and facing separation from my company of 13 years, I'm heading back to work full-time in less than two weeks. I've been thinking about the budget and all the necessary things we need to re-institute.

Cleaners (Oh YEAH!)

Summer Daycare for 4 Kids (Kill me NOW.)

A Few New Suits (Yeah!)

Dry Cleaning Bills (Wasted spending to me.)

Lawn care, garage floor repair, garage paint job, cement stamping of side patio and front walkway, new candles for back patio, garden paraphernalia and lots of vegetables, new day planner, new work bag, sharp raincoat for spring, sports camp fees for soccer and basketball, window treatments for bedroom, summer clothes for kids, plane tickets for trip in August....

Seriously, I could go on. And then it hit me. The ability to create and run a family "budget" has never been more important than now. A budget is something we throw around "loosely" here, but heck, every 15th and 30th of the month, my husband and I sit down and go through what amount is coming in, and what amount must go out.

We have subject lines for everything we can think of. Not a regular excel spreadsheet, and no we don't use any of those software programs - let's just call it a third class system, but at least we've got one. AND, we do it together most of the time. We sit down with pen and paper, and rattle off the 15-20 average line items of expenses for each month instantaneously. And then it becomes a messy but functional working document for the next 2.5 weeks.

And what I realized is that we are adding a new line item next month as I'm re-employed full-time.

It's going to be called: "S&M".

[OK, all you with your mind in the gutter, S&M stands for Sue & Mark.]

How do such a large number of us become so pre-occupied with family, work, careers, keeping up with the Jones, driving the right car, making sure our kids have the right labels, and carrying the latest model blackberry phone while we allow ourselves to totally disengage from one another?

And then again, maybe a good number of us actually don't fall to the above pressures of keeping up with the Jones. Some of us drive plain cars, some of us don't have blackberry phones. Many of our kids live in Target or Old Navy clothing and some of us might even call our own favorite "staple of an outfit" a faded pair of favorite no-name jeans, with a tank top and flip flops.

But still, spending occurs, and priorities are set. In every household, and in every relationship.

With my upcoming change in employment status, we've been re-evaluating our 529k contributions, our personal savings contributions, our ING savings contributions, our 401k contributions, our daycare spending budget and hell yes, even "Target" has its own darn line item. But if we can suddenly adjust and re-balance our investments and spending, we can surely PLAN and EXECUTE an "S&M" spending category.

It's the perfect time.

Maybe it's just $20 a week. Maybe it's $500. To me, paying a babysitter to come over for 2 hours for $20 would let my husband and I go for a walk or head to the gym.

Together.

Maybe we don't actually use a sitter for the next few weeks, and instead begin to bond in just the planning of a future weekend trip we agree to take together after a few months of savings? We can e-mail each other about ideas and hotels... we can text one another about how we can't wait to get away for a weekend... We can bribe our family members to entertain our children for 24 hours.

This is my priority in two weeks. I'm budgeting "S&M". The patio can wait. I can use last year's patio candles.

And who the heck needs a spring coat? That's what umbrellas are for.

So when might your perfect time be? Pick a day of the week. Pick a date. Pick a holiday. Pick an event. Just make sure you execute it and enjoy.

And then call me if you need a babysitter.

Infidelity and Elephants...

Infidelity is an amazingly all-too-common occurrence these days.

It's almost "cliche".


I see it all around.
I hear about it.
I lived it.


And so did my current husband.

And while we both lived the same lives ironically around the exact same time, once married to people we thought we trusted, it was our spouses who were out living lives of their own. Lives that neither of us knew anything about. Until, of course, they were caught.

And let me make the important point that this post is NOT a "beat up" post on those who may have made such choices. BELIEVE me, I sure as hell am in no place to judge anyone else in this world. I've walked way too many roads in the world of marriage and divorce.

Even my therapist of years ago used to tell me all the time how unbelievable it was that I wasn't the one who went outside my marriage to find companionship and intimacy back then. My response was always, "Are you KIDDING ME? I work full time, have two kids and already have one man in my life that I can't figure out. WHO THE HELL has the TIME and ENERGY to cheat???"

And of course with infidelity there are always two sides to each and every story. I believe there is never only one person to blame in such occurrences. Not that those of us "cheated on" can take accountability for the "external" actions our spouse has taken, but there are steps and communication issues and maturity levels and personal upbringing situations that sometimes are like elephants in a room when looking at an individual marriage with a magnifying glass.

Many times we have no idea that these elephants even exist until it's too late. And sometimes you may never even know an elephant was there at all.

I've obviously had my share of elephants. And I've owned a couple of them myself, which I never knew existed until a new therapist was able to guide me through the process.

I realize it's a personal subject, however I think there are so many angles of interest in the world of infidelity. Children. Inattentive Spouses. Egos. Lack of Intimacy. Fear. Childhood. Upbringing. Careers. Narcissism. Our own Parents. Inabilities to Communicate. Needs. Desires. Time. Lack of Time.



Elephants.



Knowing that we've both walked a similar path and carry a similar injury from our pasts, my husband and I have always promised to be honest and respectful of one another in times of uncertainty.

Our deal is to always turn "inward" towards one another versus "outward" towards others. And when things go a few days, or a week long at most, in that so-called "un-comfort zone" between the two of us... we agree that it's then time to call it out.

And it all goes back to the notion of egos and how being human is about seeking approval. It's instinctive. We need it. And we admit to each other that if there's a period of time in our marriage where we are not making each other feel good, feel proud, feel strong, and feel beautiful then the attention could easily come from others at some point. Intentional or not.




And that's an elephant I'm not lettin' in again.

Special Moments in Everyday Marriage: What are Yours?

Today's poster is another great blogger! A wife to her best friend, mother of two girls and step mother of two boys all close in age. In her own words it equals CRAZY! But a good crazy. Recently downsized from a career in pharmaceutical sales she is enjoying the rewards of full-time mommyhood. You can find Sue at Life's Too Short Not To Share.

Well, if you saw the little disclaimer on the right hand column of this great site noting that we have many different "writing styles" featured here daily, I'm thinking that it could be ME who may have caused the warning...

So my attempt at this first post is with lips taped tight so I can't even verbalize a foul word as I diligently type this "serious as they come "post of mine. Deal???

*****************************************************

OK, let's just get it out there. I was D-I-V-O-R-C-E-D.

There. I said it.

Anyone still reading?

But today, I'm going on two years of being married to the most amazing man. He.Makes.Me.Laugh.So.Damn.Hard.

Oh crap. Is "Damn" allowed on here? Shoot. I'll do better.

And we love calling each other out on little things we know we

NEVER did or discussed with our ex-spouses.

[Call it one of the ways we always try to make the other feel special.]

Here are a few examples:

• My husband just admitted to me that he shaved his big toes before a massage two weeks ago because he didn't want anyone to think he had ugly feet. (OK, it took him two weeks to admit this to me and he prefaced it with "Normally, I would never admit this to anyone, but..."). He chose ME to tell. ME!

• We've created a whole second world of "nicknames" for people in our life [including ourselves...swear!]. Let's just call them FUN nicknames for the people who drive us insane at times... like my littlest daughter who we might refer to as "Corky", or my husband's ex-wife "BMama", or his ex-wife's fiance "BigR"... [Note to Self: appropriateness to expand on nickname meanings will have to fall under personal blog...] . Please understand, in blended families sometimes humor is the only pillar of strength you have at times. Got it?

• We have a rule that we must "make-out kiss" within the first four minutes of either of us walking in the front door. And if we don't, the first one to call the other out on it gets to request something later. And I'm not talking eggs and bacon.

• He got me to sleep naked every night from day one. And that's someone who slept with sweats, sweatshirt, and socks years ago because I'm always so.frickin'.cold!!! [PS... try it for ONE week. I guarantee that no matter how tired you or your partner are, within the week there will be a time that something unexpected happens.]

• We never mock each other or get a laugh out of anyone around us at the expense of one another. Never. Oh, I hate that and can pick it out of a crowd instantly. [PS... I swear I got permission to talk about his toe shaving in bullet one for this post. Uh, yes. Full fledged spousal permission. ]

• We have a deal with each other that we won't participate on any social networks out of respect for our marriage. If we need to talk to someone, e-mail someone, call someone we can do that through a normal communication mode. [Oh, Uh, except blogging, K?]

• If we go too long without having sex we tell each other. I wouldn't have said this to my ex-husband for a million dollars. And he would have always just gotten more distant or angry. Today, I can be in the middle of dinner with 4 kids running all over and mashed potatoes in my hair and I will suddenly get pulled into the hallway, kissed passionately and hear the quiet whispered words "I need you tonight." How could anyone resist those words?
  

So there they are, just a sample of the little things that work in this crazy girl's life to keep her marriage and her man front-and-center. I will never walk the path I walked in my previous marriage, or if I begin to turn in that direction, I now have a partner who will pull me back forcefully with the strongest two-hand grip you could ever imagine. So in addition to the amazing therapist that has helped me walk the road to a world of health and happiness, I'm proud to say I've come a long way and it is possible to find that perfect someone. And I think today my priorities are set.

Now may I ask: How do YOU set your priorities today? And I'm not talking about getting to the grocery store and picking up the kids from school. Who comes first in your own family world? Kids? Partner? Work? Self?

How do you and your partner create those cool, special moments that make you realize life is good to be with them? I hope you'll share some.

And I hope you'll share your challenges as well. Lord knows, we all have 'em!