Friday, April 3, 2009

Special Moments in Everyday Marriage: What are Yours?

Today's poster is another great blogger! A wife to her best friend, mother of two girls and step mother of two boys all close in age. In her own words it equals CRAZY! But a good crazy. Recently downsized from a career in pharmaceutical sales she is enjoying the rewards of full-time mommyhood. You can find Sue at Life's Too Short Not To Share.

Well, if you saw the little disclaimer on the right hand column of this great site noting that we have many different "writing styles" featured here daily, I'm thinking that it could be ME who may have caused the warning...

So my attempt at this first post is with lips taped tight so I can't even verbalize a foul word as I diligently type this "serious as they come "post of mine. Deal???
OK, let's just get it out there. I was D-I-V-O-R-C-E-D.

There. I said it.
Anyone still reading?
But today, I'm going on two years of being married to the most amazing man. He.Makes.Me.Laugh.So.Damn.Hard.

Oh crap. Is "Damn" allowed on here? Shoot. I'll do better.

And we love calling each other out on little things we know we
NEVER did or discussed with our ex-spouses.
[Call it one of the ways we always try to make the other feel special.]

Here are a few examples:
    • My husband just admitted to me that he shaved his big toes before a massage two weeks ago because he didn't want anyone to think he had ugly feet. (OK, it took him two weeks to admit this to me and he prefaced it with "Normally, I would never admit this to anyone, but..."). He chose ME to tell. ME!
    • We've created a whole second world of "nicknames" for people in our life [including ourselves...swear!]. Let's just call them FUN nicknames for the people who drive us insane at times... like my littlest daughter who we might refer to as "Corky", or my husband's ex-wife "BMama", or his ex-wife's fiance "BigR"... [Note to Self: appropriateness to expand on nickname meanings will have to fall under personal blog...] . Please understand, in blended families sometimes humor is the only pillar of strength you have at times. Got it?
    • We have a rule that we must "make-out kiss" within the first four minutes of either of us walking in the front door. And if we don't, the first one to call the other out on it gets to request something later. And I'm not talking eggs and bacon.
    • He got me to sleep naked every night from day one. And that's someone who slept with sweats, sweatshirt, and socks years ago because I'm always so.frickin'.cold!!! [PS... try it for ONE week. I guarantee that no matter how tired you or your partner are, within the week there will be a time that something unexpected happens.]
    • We never mock each other or get a laugh out of anyone around us at the expense of one another. Never. Oh, I hate that and can pick it out of a crowd instantly. [PS... I swear I got permission to talk about his toe shaving in bullet one for this post. Uh, yes. Full fledged spousal permission. ]
    • We have a deal with each other that we won't participate on any social networks out of respect for our marriage. If we need to talk to someone, e-mail someone, call someone we can do that through a normal communication mode. [Oh, Uh, except blogging, K?]
    • If we go too long without having sex we tell each other. I wouldn't have said this to my ex-husband for a million dollars. And he would have always just gotten more distant or angry. Today, I can be in the middle of dinner with 4 kids running all over and mashed potatoes in my hair and I will suddenly get pulled into the hallway, kissed passionately and hear the quiet whispered words "I need you tonight." How could anyone resist those words?

So there they are, just a sample of the little things that work in this crazy girl's life to keep her marriage and her man front-and-center. I will never walk the path I walked in my previous marriage, or if I begin to turn in that direction, I now have a partner who will pull me back forcefully with the strongest two-hand grip you could ever imagine. So in addition to the amazing therapist that has helped me walk the road to a world of health and happiness, I'm proud to say I've come a long way and it is possible to find that perfect someone. And I think today my priorities are set.

Now may I ask: How do YOU set your priorities today? And I'm not talking about getting to the grocery store and picking up the kids from school. Who comes first in your own family world? Kids? Partner? Work? Self?

How do you and your partner create those cool, special moments that make you realize life is good to be with them? I hope you'll share some.

And I hope you'll share your challenges as well. Lord knows, we all have 'em!


The Blonde Duck said...

What a great topic! It sounds like ya'll really have your communication down.

It's a struggle, esp. b/c my husband works almost 60 hours a week sometimes. I've actually been trying to think of ways to mix it up and keep it fresh!

K said...

Making open communication about more than just our day-to-day tasks with my hubby a high priority helps us to keep our relationship healthy and fun-loving. While our daughter comes first in our lives it doesn't mean our relationship comes second. Somehow it all just works out. Your post is a great example of how communicating with each other is a key to happiness! Thanks!

Unknown said...

This is a good topic. I do have to say I am guilty of putting my kids first. There's always something that forces me to take of what they need first. Since we live thousands of miles from the nearest family we don't get much time to go out alone (and we seem to fall into a black whole of babysitters, they either move away or have a baby every time we start to find one we like).
So I do put my hubby second sometimes. Maybe it's not the greatest idea but sometimes juggling everything gets a bit hard and something has to be kicked from first place.

Susan said...

Oh, believe me - we don't have all the kinks worked out! And as I mentioned on a comment on yesterday's board, my EX-husband was as intimate as a potato! So I'm simply movin' up in the world {which isn't so hard to do when you're your baseline is compared to a friggin' potato!)

Susan said...

And baby, when you read this: You are so far up the chart rankings when compared to a baseline potato!

KOBE BEEF! Yes! That's you!!

And I do mean beef, baby. ;)

Anonymous said...

My husband ALWAYS comes first. In the end it will be just me and I have to find a way to fall in love with him EVERYDAY.

Some days are definitely harder than others...don't ya think? :)

It's hard because he's also my best when I have to vent about can get weird? lol!

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

My husband ALWAYS comes first. In the end it will be just me and I have to find a way to fall in love with him EVERYDAY.

Some days are definitely harder than others...don't ya think? :)

It's hard because he's also my best when I have to vent about can get weird? lol!

Stephanie said...

So well written! Yeah you!
Hubby and I make a "date" with at least once a week. Now that doesn't mean we get out of the house once a week...far from it. But we do make sure those kids are in bed early so we can cook a late dinner together and have some quality time together. Married 12 years and counting so I guess we are doing ok!

Susan said...

Hey Modern Mom... I LOVE the "Stay at home date night after kids go to bed" idea! Especially since I am newly UNEMPLOYED, going out for dinner and wine just can't happen like it used to...

valerie said...

Great post! I think its very important to keep your relationship alive, which can be hard with kiddos running around. When hubby get's home from work, the kids get 15 minutes to tell him all the things that they are just dying to. Then mommy and daddy get to talk (or smooch!) about their day.

Missty said...

Great post. From the very first day of being married it was "us" first, everyone and everything else after that. Easier said than done - no. I think you priortize what you want, how you want. Kids are smart and will take every inch and then some if you let them.

We do simple things like at church, kids don't sit in between us, they sit on the sides of us. We always hold hands as we walk. Same with the dinner table - not at opposite ends of the table but side by side. Matt always calls me sometime through the day. We always put our kids to bed at 8:30 - even as young teens. You don't have to go to sleep - but you have to go to your room for the night. Older teens that drive, etc don't want to bother thier parents anyways, so not an issue. lol So we have plenty of "alone" time.

We NEVER talk bad about each other to another person. EVER. But then I have nothing to talk bad about! ;o) lol

And I agree with the sleeping naked - we always have. Not one to think you need to have something on. Clothes can be close by. Nothing better than a naked body to snuggle to.

Susan said...

Hey Val - I LOVE the idea of letting the kids get first dibs on their dad - then he can be ALL mine for the night. ;) And Misty, wow... you need to write for us! And even though my kids are still kindergarten, first, second and third, I'm totally taking your tip on 8:30 bedtime in teen years. Go.To.Your.Room. Love it!

Melinda said...

Great post!
I always feel so lucky because I can talk to my husband about anything--we call each other out too. So when he says one thing, I can say 'no you totally meant this didn't you?!' And he'll admit to it. Its great! Like the toe shaving thing, sometimes I have to work up to telling my husband something (because he does tease mercilessly), but I'd never hide anything from him. And the teasing thing isn't bad, we love to joke around about everything, our own personal inside jokes. :)

Anjeny said...

Sue, thank you for this post. It especially means a great deal to me today because I am really mad at my husband right now. Reading your post is kind of like a moment of reflection for me.

I don't know what it is but seems like as soon as a woman becomes a mom, being a wife which actually came first is put on the back burner. I try and I know my husband tries also to put each other first above everything else, besides God I'll point out, but everyday life seems to get in the way a lot.

I admit most of the time, the problems I have with my husband stems from my rebellious and it's something I'm struggling to overcome everyday. All I can say is that I am happy that my husband is the husband I have, he's put up with so much and I do appreciate him.

We're not where we want to be in our marriage and I take comfort in knowing that he's trying as hard as I am to strive to keep our marriage intact and that we are making each other happy.

The one thing (besides a lot of others) is that we have a really good communication going with us. We always feel comfortable around each other to express how we feel, happy, sad, angry or frustrated which I like a lot. I actually have friend whose husband would say sweet or sing praises about them in their face but then when the wives' back is turned, the same husbands is singing a different tune. To me that is just plain wrong, you know.

So, thank you for this post...I'm sorry I've practically taken up too much space in here.

Anjeny said...

Oops...second to the last paragrah of my previous post...i meant to day "one thing I like about my hubby".

Susan said...

Anjeny... no one could ever take up too much space here. And your comment is so heart felt. We are all there certain days, weeks or months. And honestly, I don't think a marriage can ever be in a place that doesn't need work and attention. It's constant, right? It's the hard times, challenging times that make it all the more special, unique and wonderful later on. Thank you so much for your words.

Susan said...

Anjeny... no one could ever take up too much space here. And your comment is so heart felt. We are all there certain days, weeks or months. And honestly, I don't think a marriage can ever be in a place that doesn't need work and attention. It's constant, right? It's the hard times, challenging times that make it all the more special, unique and wonderful later on. Thank you so much for your words.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said... trying to make me all va-klempt here??? I get you I do.

Life has a way of throwing priorities out of whack and it's SO nice to read something like this and reflect back...helping us remember what's REALLY important! :)

Swirl Girl said...

What a great and honest post. I think one of the hardest things in a marriage is the whole 'taking for granted' thing. You can become so comfortble with one another and forget to work on those 'moments'...I should try some of yours.

Susan said...

OH, I know it's late. But for anyone else reading this tonight or over the next few days: The big shooting massacre took place in my home town today of Binghamton, NY. 14 dead. My husband, brother and brother-in-law have been at the site all day in different capacities. My husband's bomb squad was called earlier today. And can I say that after sitting for hours praying for my own family and praying for others, I just want to reach out and say go hug your husbands. And kids. And mother. And everyone else in your life.

Life IS too short.

wendy said...

I too am D.I.V.O.R.C.E.D.. Not that I would wish that on anyone, but it really makes me more aware of what's important in a relationship---and focusing on each other is sooooo much easier.(hmmmm, sleeping naked eh---I like surprises)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Susan, you are so tamn cute. You really should say tamn instead of damn. hee hee j/k girlfriend. And I love your button. Totally agree. And I love that you compare your x-hub to a potato.

This post makes me a little jealous because I've been married 20 years and ya know . . . he doesn't pull me aside during dinner and whisper urgently in my ear I NEED YOU!


But it also makes me think about the way I'm creating my own marriage and my part in stifling it at time. Maybe I should be the one to pull him aside so I'M not the friggin potato.

Ya get me?

Kritta22 said...

HEck Crash, I've only been married for four years and I need to work on this stuff!!

This is a great post! Thank you for sharing! I especially love the calling you out four minutes in the door! LOL

Susan said...

Crash and Kritta - thanks for the laughs. We're only in year 2 and I think the determiniation comes from too many miserable years in past marriages for both of us. So when I hit 20 years, let's see what my post looks like then, ok?? Hopefully, he'll still want to pull me aside at dinner wanting me. ??? ;)

The Nice One said...

i have been with the spousal unit for 13 1/2 years...I feel so refreshed and got some great little ideas here, thanks!

Anonymous said...

It's funny to picture your husband with shaved toes after seeing him in the bomb outfit. It's a combo I wouldn't expect!