My husband and I have been married for almost 6 years... as long as you count the 1 ½ years we were separated. Now I know what people say about abusive relationships: If you keep going back, he is not going to change.
Let me be clear. My husband never hit me. I have very strong feelings about physical violence that I won't get into here. But when my husband was mad, the whole world was going to know about it.
After about a year of weekly screaming matches I'd had enough and kicked him out. At that point in our relationship, we were 2 different people, with very different views on how life was supposed to be lived.
I was very serious about this. I went to court, got custody of the kids and restraining orders. I took him to court for child support. We mediated about visitation. And he, grudgingly, went to anger management therapy.
Some other significant things also happened. He lived on his own for the first time in his life. He was responsible for his own bills, and getting them paid on time. He made friends outside of our relationship, and interacted with their families. It was during our separation that he began to understand that the only person accountable for what happened to him, was him.
A lot changed in that year and a half. I found the no nonsense, not taking anyone's crap, girl I used to be. He saw that I didn't need him to provide for me. Finishing his anger management along with some other changes made him a much calmer person.
I had the opportunity to see him change. Not for me, but for himself. Because I had made it plainly clear, I was not going back to him.
Through all that, I never stopped loving him. And there came a point where we were friends again. Our relationship grew without the expectations of getting back together.
We started living together again almost 2 years ago. As a married couple. I can probably count on 1 hand the number of fights we have had in that time. We just deal with things differently now.
Our separation was painful and stressful for everyone involved. It was an uphill battle that, for us, proved to be worth the work in the end.
What do you think? Can separation be good for a failing relationship?
1 year ago