Monday, August 31, 2009

Guest Post-SCIFI Dad

SciFi Dad has his own blog where he talks about his two children and his wife who he calls MultiTaskingMommy or (MTM)... He's funny, witty, and sometimes downright to honest. But he's always interesting and so is his writing! I'm so happy that he decided to write a guest post on our site... we are humbled! Enjoy guys, it's a good one... it might just make you laugh! :)

This the story of the first time I stayed at my in-laws' cottage, which is also the first time I met them for more than two minutes in a doorway.

It was the August long weekend. I had met my wife the previous June, so we had been together for a couple of months. We drove up in her car since I did not know the way (and believe me, it is no easy task to find this place). This allowed me to keep a close eye on what I had believed would be my saving grace that weekend: my cell phone. You see, my wife explained to me that I could not, under any circumstances go out wandering in the bush by myself. I shrugged it off and said that I'd have my cell phone with me and if I got lost I could just call for help. For the last thirty minutes of the drive, my cell phone said two words to me, over and over, "No Signal". It was around this time I started to hear the banjos from Deliverance in my head.

We rolled down the dirt road (that was a far more of an uncomfortable slope than I was used to) and approached the building. I can call it a building because the place is bigger than the house my parents raised three kids in. I would later learn it stands as a testament to how far one man will go to convince his wife to live in the middle of nowhere for their retirement. (Aside: they are never moving up there full time.) It was beautiful. It was scenic. It was picturesque. Of course, I have to take my wife's word for all that - I was still staring at my cell phone and realizing that there was a definite chance my future FIL could kill me and dispose of the body and no one would ever know.

You have to understand something about SciFi Dad. I grew up in the city. I mean, the real city. My parents' house isn't really located in a suburb, just a residential area of a city. And we were across the border from a very big city - one that was the murder capital for a while. Going there was my idea of adventure, not running into the woods and hoping nothing ate me. Crazy people shoot at you for a reason; animals just eat you because you're fleshy and slow moving.

Once I came to terms with the fact that I was completely dependent on my wife for the weekend, and that without her I would surely die (because we both knew if I wasn't with her my inlaws would have left me out in the bush to be eaten by the fishers) we went inside.

A few events stand out from that first weekend. I'll never forget that my wife, in an effort to force us to bond, left her father and I to make up the futons for us to sleep on while she went to get ready for bed. This allowed the following to happen:

FIL: "So should I make up one bed or two?"

Me: "Uh, two, sir."

"Because I know you don't have two bedrooms at your apartment."

Silence. Awkward, painful, silence.

"So two beds then."

"Yes sir."

If my memory serves me correctly, I did not allow my wife to use the bathroom by herself the rest of the weekend.

The next wonderfully fun anecdote from that weekend came the next morning. I awoke to learn that my snoring had kept.everyone.awake. So now on top of being the asshole who was sharing a bed with their daughter, I was also the guy who kept everyone up all night. Nice. I slept the last two nights on the screened in porch on an air mattress. From the vantage point of the present, the only solace I have in looking back at that story is that now my MIL sleeps on the same air mattress in our office whenever they stay at our place.

And to put a foul smelling cherry on the whole experience, the septic tank began to leak. It wasn't full (the cottage was only a couple of years old) but something went wrong and there was a brown hole on the property with a less than amiable smell emanating from it. And since it was August and there was no a/c, the windows remained open.

To recap:
  • city boy in the woods
  • unflappable thoughts of Deliverance
  • "One bed or two?"
  • sleeping on the porch
  • warm air + septic problems
and I still married her... does that give you a sense of how amazing that woman is?

What about you? How did the first time you met your future spouse's parents go? (Go ahead and say it: "Not as bad as yours." I know most (all?) of you will.)


Anonymous said...

Well I lways knew the outlaws, so that was no prob. The thing about the beds though is it seems never acceptable to be bumpin uglies with ANY dads daughter, EVER, except of course the 1-2-3-4 times when conception occurred, ONLY though with artificial insemination isn't available.

SciFi Dad said...

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. We can have many names: boyfriend, fiancee, husband, father to their grandchildren. At the end of the day, we're still just the guy who's banging their little girl.

Multi-tasking Mommy said...

Thanks, hon! :)

Funny post, even though it was so funny as we lived it.

And because I don't say it enough...I'm sorry :(

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

LOL! OKay the first time I met MY in-laws my soon to be MIL wouldn't let me in her house. HONESTLY she told me NO WAY no how was I to be welcomed in her house... because she said it was a mess and she didn't want me to see it.

I had to beg and beg and beg to get in because I HAD to go to the bathroom!

But it was the first time I had met her. AND she said, "OH! I thought MSM would choose that girl (pointing to the other girl we were with) not YOU... you don't look like his regular type"

True story.


ZenMom said...

See, you tell the best stories. :)

Sounds like a fun-filled weekend all around. o_0 But I have to say that I think the "one bed or two moment" was definitely the most traumatic.

Reminds me: In college, I went camping with my roommates and boyfriend up at our family's rustic little cabin. I had car trouble on the way up and called my dad about it from the nearest town to get his advice. He said the problem would be fine until we got home.

Well, I guess Dad thought it over and decided it would be best to rescue us from our car troubles. Because he showed up at the cabin at 7 a.m. the next morning - while I was still in my sleeping bag with said boyfriend.

Oh, hi dad, have you met my new (half-naked) boyfriend?

Yeah, that boyfriend was pretty much doomed from that point on.

Steph said...

SciFi- Love it!! Your wife must be amazing after all of the trama.
Being from the south and all- Love the banjo comment!!

Shelle- Your MiL's comments sound like mine's. The first time we met I overheard her tell my now SIL that I wasn't as pretty as she thought I would be.
I wonder why we've had a rocky relationship?

Zen- Oops.. Reminds me of my 1st apartment- my dad thought he would come by and take me to breakfast on a Sat. Well I was in bed with a boyfriend and he was freaking. I told him to be quiet and he would go away. Lucky for me he did. lol!

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

I giggled at this. I know it was not funny but it was so funny at the same time. One bed or two? Really what do you say to that?

I met my in-laws on Father's Day. Cycling Papa thought that would be an AWESOME time to meet his parents and his sister...

Yeah, not quite. I made the potatoes (we bbq) and after an hour they still hadn't cooked correctly in the oven. I'm fairly sure his mom thought "no way this girl who can't cook is going anywhere near my boy!"

To say it was awkward was an understatement. The next time I met them? Mom's b-day party - the big 50 with the entire LARGE clan. Naturally Cycling Papa had to go and injure himself the day before at work chasing a suspect so he was confined to a deck chair the whole time leaving me to the vultures Or rather his family....

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

My question is... Will u be any different when ur daughter suitor comes along?


CaJoh said...

Excellent story. I love the way you sum it up in the end.

Ahh, the smell of the great outdoors!

SciFi Dad said...

Shelle - I'll be more direct. I plan on telling any boy that comes a-courtin': "If my daughter sees your penis, I cut it off. Capice?"

Youngblood4ever said...

SFD- Cut it off! Heeeheeeheee! Good for you. The first time I met my future MIL was before FiM were even engaged, so it was pretty relaxed. First time I met my future FIL- H.E.L.L. and that is no exaggeration. If you met him you would just nod your head and pat my shoulder in consolation.

I think the first time FiM met my parents sounds crazily parallel to your story. Except, he was there to ask permission to marry me and my dad kept him in the room lecturing for 2 1/2 hours. My Mom and I were about to intervene. Later I asked him what my dad said to him. All he could remember was, "A son is a son until he is wed, a daughter is a daughter until she is dead." Ya, he married me...amazingly!

April said...

The first time I met my future FIL was the day after our first date. We had gone out, had dinner, drinks, shot some pool, rented a movie and went back to his place. We were both a little tipsy, ok *I* was drunk, and things got a little heavy. Yeah, I put out on the first date. Not a normal practice for me, but everything was just perfect between us, and still is.

Anyway, the next morning I woke up with bite marks all over my neck. (see: too much alcohol) The night before I had promised him I'd make breakfast and coffee in the morning. He didn't have any coffee so I decided I'd run to Dunkin' and pick some up. I threw on my pants and his sweater and walked out the door. I saw this silver car with an older gentleman pulling up into the driveway. He yelled, "Is Joey awake?" OH SHIT, I think this is his dad! "Yes, I'll tell him you're here."

I ran into the house and into his bedroom where he was still naked, and said, "Your dad is here." He said, "No way. Are you serious?" I said, "Silver Mercury with a handicap tag." He said, "OH SHIT! I'm so sorry." It wasn't a big deal to me other than the fact that I had bite marks all over my neck and it was the day after our first date that I had obviously put out on.

His dad came in and Joe introduced us. I offered to get his dad coffee too and he said sure. So I got the coffee, came back, and made them both french toast and bacon for breakfast. I managed to cover my bite marks with my long hair, so that was good.

Joe was embarrassed because his dad never just shows up to his house. And really? Meeting someone's parents can be a stressful thing. I handled it as cool as a cucumber, I think. He also thought that I wasn't going to come back once I left the house to get coffee. I'm glad I did because he is the most wonderful man in the world and makes me happier than I've ever been in my whole life!