Vodka Logic Says:
Do you stammer when you children start asking you those questions? Have you thought about how you would answer them when the tough questions come up? I know I didn’t and for the most part I have not been asked them and I am not referring to the “how are babies made?” questions or “if Daddy has a penis, what does Mommy have?” questions. I am referring to “Did you have sex before you were married?” or “Mom have you ever smoked pot?” questions. The ones aimed directly at you, that may make you inhale deeply and wonder “now what do I say?”
Do you answer honestly, evade the question, or do you lie? Of course it could depend on what is the real answer. Would it change the way your children think of you if you did use drugs in college [or the past]? Maybe it would depend on the drugs involved. I am not going to go into what I have or have not done in my past but I don’t think I would tell my children about any drug use. If they were very young when they asked I would definitely lie to them, as they may not be able to understand completely. For example when my daughter was young we were talking about drinking and driving with another family and she chimes in “Mom you drink and drive”. I promptly said, “I do no such thing” and it turns out she meant coffee. A very different thing of course but you see my point.
If my child was a teen or older, I probably wouldn’t lie out right but perhaps circle around the answer, again if the answer was yes. The setting is important too, are you joking around or having a serious tete a tete.
There is an exception. If my children were suffering due to drug use of their own it may help to share some experiences. They may need to know they aren’t alone in their experimentation or use. My main agenda in this post though is just the questions that may arise not a family deep in alcohol or drug use. I am sure there are families where the questions don’t need to be asked, the children know from observed behavior.
The question of sex for me is easier. I have children obviously I have had sex and from a young age they know that. I got all the “how are babies made?” questions like most of us get but I have never been asked about premarital sex. As my children are older now, aged 15 3/4 and 21 this month the sex topic is easier. My youngest [both children are girls] winces at the thought of her parents having any sort of intimate relations and the older just laughs. I have had discussions with my older daughter about sex such as don’t forget condoms or please be safe all those parental concerns. I have also told her I don’t expect her to be a virgin when she gets married, most people aren’t these days. It’s her choice of course but as she navigates the dating world and gets closer to possibly finding the one I feel these discussions are more necessary.
I guess I did go off topic in that last paragraph but the point is the sex question probably won’t come up. The question I don’t feel I need to answer is “was there anyone before Dad?” Again, none of their business, if it doesn’t affect [or is it effect] them it isn’t necessary to tell them. I don’t have a problem telling them either, to mind their own business. What happened BC [before children] stays BC.
So what am I supposed to do when my lovely little 8 year old grows up and she is looking for guidance? Do I tell her the right thing or the true thing? The answer should be an easy one, but my counter-part here is having some struggles searching for the answer.
This shouldn't be a hard question to answer. I'm gonna pull a Freud and answer a question with a question. What if you child found out the truth to the question you decided not to spill the beans on?
When looking to someone for guidance, help, or coaching you are assuming that the person who is giving you the advice is truthful, and also walks the walk. I have had bosses tell me what to do, without understanding what it is they are asking. I have seen parents tell their kids not to smoke as they choke on a puff from their Camel Lights. I have seen politicians say one thing, yet do another.
Why is it we need to do the same thing as parents? I have seen parents straight up lie to their kids about their pasts, just to justify two self-serving things. 1. It's not their business and 2. to save face and maybe ridicule from their teenage kids.
Why wouldn't you tell your kids? What are you afraid to say? Are you scared that if you tell your kids the truth, they might actually go out and follow suit?
We are so scared to tell our children the truth, but didn't your parents tell you not to do drugs, or not to have premarital sex? We see how well that might have worked out. Why would you expect your child to actually listen to you, when you yourself defied you parents wishes against it? This is the typical Catholic thing to do. We want to tell our kids what to do, but not actually equip them to make the right decisions. You cannot honestly tell a teenager that having premarital sex is bad, knowing they are going to do it anyway, and not at least tell them what a condom is. I know Vodka Logic said some things to this nature that this is not a problem. My school of thought on this whole idea is, don't hide behind your [self proclaimed] mistakes and let them be a chance to learn and use them to illustrate a point to your kids.
We live in a world of lies. Everywhere you look. The television and movies make having sex for the first time downright glamorous. Little do our kids know that the first time sucks, but it will get better. Or when you take the first hit off the bong, you're going to cough, but the second hit will be better.
We need to give our kids the knowledge so they can make an informed decision. This is something I was taught at a young age. I was never told NOT to have sex before marriage. I was never told that I shouldn't do drugs. I learned about them, I talked about them, and to say the least, I am drug free and I have only had 2 sexual partners. It isn't because the adults around me weren't scared to tell me the truth when asked a simple question. I mean they aren't asking you to smoke up then and there with you. They just want some guidance.
So where do you stand? Pre-teen kids, teens, grown children, will you lie? Will you tell the thruth the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
2 days ago