Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Group Therapy: STD

Welcome To Group Therapy:

We had someone write in a question! Please Please everyone, DO THIS--We WANT you to write in your questions and concerns to bring to Group Therapy! And do it Anonymously...or not.

Here you go:

"Question--anonymous please

The decision to have sex/relationship with someone with an STD.

I have known a girlfriend of mine for many years and she has an STD, herpes.
I am fully aware of her sexual indiscretions as she is of mine. She pulls in more sexual encounters than myself without an STD.

How does one make the decision to have sex with someone risking exposure to themselves?

I know there have been plenty of suitors who didn't even care and didn't want to even use protection with her. I can't even comprehend that. NO CONDOM NO SEX!!!!! I would NEVER have sex with anyone knowing they had any kind of STD, would you? (Maybe I am a bit critical)

So when is it appropriate to present this information to a mate when starting a courtship, in the immediate beginning or after things get more serious?

If you tell someone at the beginning and they can't deal with it then there was no chance to see where things could have went and if you wait you still run the chance that they walk after feelings are involved.

Once you have decided to accept ALL of this person and things go sour, then what? Assuming at some point you stop using condoms.

She was always open about it but also lost good people because of it. My heart always went out to her because it would go both ways and I could see her hurting.


I hope this never happens to me!"

***Well there you go guys. What is your opinion? Let them know. Feel free to comment anonymously if you feel more comfortable doing so. Comment and then follow or feel free to come back and comment on other peoples comments.


heelsnstocking said...

for me it would only be a consideration if I wanted more than just sex with this person. If i wanted a relationship and felt we had a chance then I would try and deal with it and any other problems. But if it was just an itch that needs scratching (sorry no pun intended) then I wounldnt risk health and friendship just for that.

MommyLovesStilettos said...

Call me selfish, but I could never have sex or a relationship with someone with an STD. I wouldn't ever let it get that far because that is a deal breaker for me.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

I'm sorry. I don't think I could do it either and I'd be mad if I found out even later when my feelings were involved. Maybe that is selfish or maybe it's self preservation, but I couldn't do it.

Bossy Betty said...

Hummmmm....I'd really have to think about it.

Anonymous said...

If I know a person has an STD, I'm not sleeping with them period. Condom or no condom. But I won't have sex without condoms. Not even in a committed relationship.

Evonne said...

A friend of mine was in such a situation where the guy she was with admitted he had an STD. She educated her self on how to stay safe if they were to take the relationship to the next level.

If it were me in this situation, I would like to think I'd do the same, depending on the disease. But at the same time, I am a worrier and the worst case would always be in the back of my mind. I'd like to think I would try to make things work, but I'm not really sure.

615sWife said...

Like someone already said it just depends on how far you want to take the relationship. If you are just looking for a good time then No I wouldn't but if you are falling head over heels in love with this person then you take the right steps to be careful and go to the doctor together so you can find out what you need to do to be safe. It is all about being smart and careful. Hope it works out for you!

~Kenny said...

Wow seriously I cannot believe the paranoia surrounding this subject. For the record I don't have an STD and I a not planning on getting one. However, I know some beautiful, intelligent, sweet women who have STD's unfortunately. These women were not women who slept around a lot or were considered sluts they made A mistake with A dishonest guy.

One gal slept with a marine whom she thought she loved her. He was her first. She got a very bad case of Herpes, she didn't know what was going on. She ended up in the hospital, she needed a blood transfusion and it was in the beginning of the 80's. Guess what ...she got HIV to boot.

Now why do I say this. Because if their current partners were as closed minded as some of what I see here then they should have never gone on to meet the right guy or have healthy normal sexual relationships. I am happy to say both are in committed, healthy ,and happy relationships.

If I was really into a woman and I knew she had an STD that would not stop me. Yes, of course I would use protection and if she really cared about me she would want me to use protection.

Now if it was just a one night stand. Which is not my style anyway. It would depend on the situation. I mean if the woman has untreated syphilis or gonorrhea or something like that, yeah NO FUCKING WAY, but if she says hey I have Herpes but I am not in an outbreak or something like that..sure OK, but I am wearing a condom. However, the problem lies within the fact that it is a spur of the moment sexual encounter, and very often there is little time for common sense or honesty. This is why they aren't my style.

If I am being blunt and honest. Guys in reality are not that picky about their sexual partners a lot of time, and I am not saying that's OK I am just saying its the nature of the beast, and if the girl is hot enough some guys will forge ahead even if they know the risks and will even go "raw dog" not caring. Somewhere buried in our hypothalumus is the drive to not care. It seems with maturity ( a poorly used euphemism for age) comes more control from the reasoning centers of the mind versus the "Reptilian brain".

Honestly the only thing that would really be a deal breaker for me is if I was in a committed relationship and the woman still insisted on a condom that seems so clinical to me. I am a 43 y/o male with a clean bill of health and a snip job, if I am having sexual relations and we are both healthy and committed then I don't believe a condom is necessary. Speaking strictly for myself it really inhibits the experience.

Peace Out

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Kenny I get what you are saying and it really sucks when they were the ones getting lied to. I definitely think it is something that should be disclosed early early on in the relationship so shallow and close minded people like me can move on and those truly meant for those people can find them.

The last thing you mentioned also Kenny is another selfish reason why I don't think I could deal with it on a long term basis because I think condoms suck :) but that's a personal preference

Anonymous said...

Well it would depend. Right now if I was going to get some stray I would not do it if she had anything I might get even with a full body condom. If I was single it would depend on what they had. If it was something my kids could ever from me I'd shut it down.

Now if I was just going to hit it and be out and was sure condoms would protect me, and like Kenny said, she was hot like me, I'd prolly do it.

If I was looking to court and marry I would probably not do it.

Back in the 90's when Clinton and Koop and Okra and Rather and the big Democrat machine was lying to the country (something they were unsurpassed at) and Okra said by the year 2000 most people would have aids and all that stuff and Koop said hetero's were as likely to get aids though sexual contact as homo's, ya know Clinton on TV telling bald face lies, I came up with a plan. It would work in this situation!

Why not have a place STD'rs can hook up?

Like Ashley Madison/STD
or Elove/std
or Craigs list/STD

My idea in the early 90's when I was young and naive (ya know not smart enough to disbelieve anything uttered from the mouth of a Democrat), pre-internet, was the Aids Phone Book.

That way people with HIV/Aids could hook up and roll around naked and nobody is any the worse off.

Just a thought.

Margaret said...

I would tell people when I was dating them that way I don't have to worry about it and if they walk away then ok and if not that is even better.

Anjeny said...

Ok, I will comment on the question in the post and some of the comments in here.

I'm not going to be apologetic and say I'm selfish or what not but I feel that the person with the STD needs to be responsible and considerate enough to divulge that info to their sexual mate/encounter or whatever the heck you call it whether it's a one night stand or a long term thing. Yes, I know it sucks that sometimes someone gets lied to and ended up with something from someone else who lied to them so why continue to spread it to others.

If it was me, I would definitely want to know in advance if the person I'm going to have sex with have any STDs and I'd be even more pissed if there were already feelings involved.

Shelle, you are not selfish nor are you shallow for wanting a sexual partner who is healthy without any of those could be life threatening diseases.

Kenny..although I like some of the points you have in your comment, I'd like to point out that not ALL guys have your way of thinking...that there are actually guys out there who really do care about themselves and do have some degree of self make it sound like guys in general are just a bunch of dogs.

There ya have it, my view and feeling on the subject. Peace out!!

~Kenny said...

Well first off let me say the assumption in this conversation has to be disclosure..right? The tops is would have sex with someone that has an STD. That has to mean the person has been courteous enough to speak up. Without disclosure this becomes a whole different conversation.

And I am certainly not saying there are not guys without self control, but there are enough of them. Certainly enough of them under the age of 25. let's be honest here though it is not entirely due to a lack of wisdom, there is a VERY strong biological and evolutionary to reproduce, so I do believe that in general men in that age range are willing to be more risky in order to fulfill that need. Yes, plain and simple some men are just like dogs and from a science standpoint some dogs are just like men.

I think a more interesting approach to this question is this you like her..she likes you. There has been full disclosure. Do you still ditch a person you care about because of a mistake they made and may not have been aware of. I mean in some way doesn't that continue to punish that person?

T said...

I think the down and dirty of it comes in whether or not we are forgiving people... Do I judge someone on their past errors in judgment?

Would I sleep with a guy who had an STD? being a happily married woman this is kind of a weird question... because I wouldn't be sleeping with anyone else anyway... BUT if 17 years ago my then fiance had disclosed an indiscretion that had resulted in an STD???

Ack people - this is too much thinking this late at night!

I'd forgive him... but considering it wasn't ME he'd hurt it wouldn't be my place to forgive...

Meandering much today? Okay - I think it would be a hard thing to disclose (glad it's not me) and I think it would be a hard thing to move past in a relationship... but we live in a miraculous medical age - I think certain STDs would still be deal breakers... but Herpes... that one I could deal with...

Shutting up now. :)

Anonymous said...

It all boils down to honesty. Knowing the facts goes a long way in determing whether or not to have sex or a relationship with someone.
When my longtime boyfriend and I broke up, we were STD free.
A few years later, before we got back together, he informed me that his interim girlfriend had given him herpes. She had neglected to tell him BEFORE they had sex.
After 5 years of marriage, I think I made the right decision.

heelsnstocking said...

love the idea sage.... im rolling on the floor laughing and admiring its simplistic brilliance!

Anonymous said...

I have to admit that I am one those people that would NEVER even consider to start something with someone who has an STD. Isn't the reason that we use condoms today is to prevent that sort of thing to happening to us????
Now I do not consider myself as selfish for making this decision, it is for my health and well being.

Someone mentioned some about it would be different if it was HIV. I mean seriously what is the difference if it is Herpes or HIV??? You have each for the rest of your life no matter what, they both can be spread through sexual contact, and someone else had to give it to you...whether you were in a relationship or they lied to you. What is the difference????? They all take time to deal with when there are appts, medications, maintenance.

On the note of someone else's comment about condoms. I agree you don't get sex without a condom, apparently AIDS doesn't scare anyone anymore. Usually I consider myself as open-minded and still do but to have sex without condoms is suicide. You can't trust people today and to trust someone you hardly know is just opening yourself up to these sort of risks.