Tuesday, May 25, 2010

I've worn this fat suit like armor... Gucci Mama writes.

Okay for today's Guest Contributor I don't know HOW I didn't know about her before. The girl is not only a great writer, but witty to boot... she's right up the alley of what kind of blogs I like to read! After reading this post you should go check her blog out. She's quite literally... awesome.

I was so, insanely hot when I was twenty. I was lean and curvy and perky. My hair was shiny; my glasses made my look like some kind of naughty fantasy librarian. While I have always prided myself on my intellect, I was also a big, fat idiot when I was twenty. Not only did I not realize what I had (I was very good at imagining my physical flaws) but I took the beauty I did recognize for granted. I thought the attention from men, especially my (soon to be) husband wouldn't fade.

Fast forward several years to miscarriages, pregnancies, bed rest, laundry, and about forty tons of pasta and I want to travel back in time and kick my twenty year old self square in the throat for a.) not having myself dipped in bronze and b.) not taking a little better care of myself so I didn't have to work so hard now to feel like a woman again instead of some kind of dowdy housekeeper/caretaker of children who just fades into invisibility in the eyes of men, especially my husband.

Oh, he loves us. I know he does. He tells us and he shows us. He's a good father, an excellent provider, and a really great...roommate. Somewhere along the road of being married for the better part of a decade we've lost our spark. Living with him right now is like living with my best friend. We laugh together, we talk about our day, we plan for our future, we raise our children, and sometimes we bicker. But gone are the days where he sweeps me into an impromptu dance in the kitchen or steps into the shower behind me. Infertility/pregnancy loss turned sex into a procreation mission instead of an expression of love and desire and commitment. After my second successful pregnancy sex became a distant memory, something other people do.

Because I'm so good at it anyway, of course I blamed myself. First of all, it was my baby rabies that could only be cured by a second child after the first one was so difficult to produce. Then it was my broken, failure of a body that put me on bed rest first at home by week 16 of my pregnancy and then in the hospital by week 28. It's on the bed rest that I blame the weight gain. Well, that and the twice a week ordering of pizza while I was in the hospital because the cafeteria food was so horrifying. I certainly can't blame the weight gain on my baby, since she weighed all of three pounds. It was me and my stress eating.

After my little, tiny daughter was born things were quite stressful. Life with a sick little preemie does not exactly lend itself to a stress free existence. I believe I mentioned I'm a stress eater. So I fell into this cycle of feeling like shit, eating my pain, feeling worse for having done so, and then eating my pain again. It's not something I'd recommend.

My daughter slowly gained strength, my life resumed a much more normal order, and I set out on a mission to find myself again. I'm still walking the road, and from my perspective I'm doing it largely unsupported. I don't want to be twenty again, and I don't want to make radical, sweeping changes in my life (though at times the idea does hover at the edge of my mind and seem to have some merit) but I do want to be valued for more than my ability to make meals and read bedtime stories. I know my husband would say that he does value me for more than that, but it doesn't feel that way.

I want to feel like a woman again.

It's not about the weight and it shouldn't be. There is so much more to me than my appearance, and that's what he fell in love with so many years ago. So I'm left wondering what happens now? I'm getting my body back, but that scares me. It scares me that I might have just been the hot rich girl twelve years ago when we met and now that she's gone (well, her hotness anyway) there's nothing left. Where did my confidence go? Did the stretch marks and shelf ass kick it to the curb? And if so, was it really confidence in the first place or just vanity?

I've worn this fat suit like armor to protect myself and by shedding it I feel like I'm throwing myself on a double edged sword. On the one side, I want to be beautiful and desirable again. On the other side, I want to be beautiful and desirable in the eyes of my husband even when I'm overweight and I haven't worn make up in three days and my hair is in a haphazard pony tail because my children aren't interested in waiting for me to do my hair before we go to the park.

It's very difficult, at least for me, this learning to be a mother and a wife. I'm not sure why it's all up to me, yet it seems to be. Clearly I should just have had myself dipped in bronze and called it a day.

Gucci Mama also blogs at her personal blog Mama Still Wears Gucci

And she has a cause... go help her out!
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Anonymous said...

As I wear my fat suit as armor it does not keep me from being that sexy goddess I knew I was/and is. It was just not as many who admired it but they were more appreciative.
No matter how big I am I have not lost my zest for being sexy and getting some love in the bedroom.

You need to start looking at yourself in the mirror and say hey I am sexy. Let me tell you MEN notice a weak woman and they are not attracted to her (unless they are scum). I have had men come back to me after being with the blue eyed blond and size 8 to tell me they chose the wrong one because of my confidence and attitude(trust I was more than 120lbs bigger than she was).

Men want you sweetie, but you have to love yourself first. Stop trying to do things for HIM and do them for yourself. A confident woman no matter how big will win every single time.

Most notably I have had people say I wish I had your confidence. Start loving yourself. Grab that vibrator and start with getting some mojo back in between your legs and get some lingerie that you like. It starts with you! Good luck

Big, Sexy, and still in love with me!

Gucci Mama said...

Thank you! You're definitely right, and I'm beginning to find my power again.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

I think Anonymous is onto something, only it's easier said then done.

I related to this post so much. I've tried my whole life to accept my body the way that it was, forget about it after kids! I wasn't one of the lucky ones.

The thing is, is that people automatically assume that if I don't like my body image that I lack confidence in other areas of my life. That is so not true, and I doubt it is true of Gucci MAMA (sorry, I spelled mama with two m's and she spells with just one m...I suck, I will fix when I get next to a computer). I have confidence in a lot of area of my life... Just not my body.

See I have tried the... "Look in the mirror and tell yourself you are sexy" and then I wander down my body and I see that well, my body is not. I don't need to be cut, I just don't want to jiggle when I'm driving my car and I drive over a pothole... Ya know? The stretch marks are unseemly, but I could get over that.

I want to feel sexy and my hubs tells me all the time that he loves me for me, but he signed up to tell me that for eternity... It somehow dilutes the effect of the compliment.

So what I'm saying is... I get it, and I wish I saw myself as anonymous sees herself.

I look forward to hear others advice.

As far as your husband and you, go out together... Alone, more often. I PROMISE it helps. Because if he is how you wrote him, he does love you for you, what's below the skin.

Gucci Mama said...

Shelle - Exactly. You said it much better than it sounded when I tried it, so I gave up. Sent you an email. ;)

T said...

about 3 years ago I looked at myself and decided that I needed to lose 15 pounds because I was tired of being in that kind of shape... the SQUARE kind of shape.

I lost it... and then 20 more - and felt hot, sexy and all that - and yes... it did help in the bedroom...

over the past year I've regained a portion of that weight and am currently trying to re-evaluate what I want for my body. Acceptance is important - but my item of largest importance has to be my children - and my husband... I need to be more active and healthier (not necessarily skinnier) because I want to enjoy my time with them and not worry so much about asthma and all of that (which miraculously improve when I'm within goal weight... go figure...)

be happy with you - even after putting some of it back on the bedroom activities haven't diminished... I just like to turn off the lights a little sooner :)

Amber Lynae said...

Gucci Mama I am right there with you. I could slap my younger self silly for her inability to appreciate what she had and try to keep it.

I am a stress eater trying to overcome my habits.

615sWife said...

Here is my question for you. Does your hubby know that this is how you feel?
I am a plus size women and I have a wonderful husband who cant keep his hands off of me, but I got lucky and found a man who loves plus size women. I was always very shy when it came to my weight because I was never the skinny girl and I was made fun of my whole teenage life and when I had this guy loving my body it was a differnet because i didnt think my body was worth loving.
I guess what I am asking is are you letting you husband love you new body? or are you shying away because your your thoughts? I know that it took me a long time to let my husband even touch my stomach or arms ( i hate my arms) but once I came ok with him touching me I found out that I was more and more ok with being plus size.I think you may be suprised to find out that your hubby actully likes that shelf ass!
You also need to stop looking back at the 20 year old. You are so much better now...
I trully hope you find that you are a sexy beautiful women!

Gucci Mama said...

@T - Would love to be healthier and skinnier, for sure!

@Amber Lynae - Would kill to be a "stress starver". I'd weigh like forty five pounds.

@615sWife - Yeah. He knows. My weight gain came with my high risk pregnancies; I was thin my whole life. There's a definite correlation between fat and loss of attraction, which is a huge part of the reason I haven't lost the weight for so long - totally afraid to face the pain of being "lovable" again only when I look like I did when he met me.

Sassy Pants Freckle Face said...

I think You are a sexy BEYATCH!!!
<3 Ya!

Gucci Mama said...

@Sassy - Well, you rock.

Missty said...

I was wondering how old you are? It seems when we are in the stage of having babies, being a mom 24/7 we push away the "wife" part of us. and its a shame.

And as the kids start to get older we go through some of the very things you are. We want our man back, we want to be sexy, etc.

I say just do it. lol we have a long weekend coming up - plan on a sexy night with your man. Rock his world!
Be who you invision. He might wonder what got into you, but he will LOVE it.

And then do it again the next weekend, and then the following... till it is your "normal"

Then worry about the weight gain, etc. But if you are already back "into" each other, that will all come with time.

So go find your sexy outfit right now.

Gucci Mama said...

@Missty - I'm 27. Way too young to feel this old, quite frankly. Thanks for your input. ;)

Garden of Egan said...

Loved the post! Will definitely be a stalker of the Gucci Mama!!!

I wear my fat like a veil of shame.
I love your attitude!

Garden of Egan said...

Loved the post! Will definitely be a stalker of the Gucci Mama!!!

I wear my fat like a veil of shame.
I love your attitude!

kyooty said...

Reminder!! when losing weight remember to have a stick handy!!!! I lost 80lbs 6yrs ago,(have to lose half of it again) and now have a 5yrold! it totally screws with the "system" in a good way sometimes. heheh screws.. sorry

Enjoy yourself, my step cousin said onetimes you have to love yourself before you feel the love of others. You've got to be confident in you and it does help so much!!

CaJoh said...

Scrolling down I'm not sure if any men said anything (perhaps it's because weight is taboo like a woman's age).

Still the same, I too (as a man) feel that I have let myself go too much and it may be effecting things in the bedroom as well. Since I don't feel as fit, I do not have as much umph as I would like and therefore don't pursue it as often as I should.

I do want to lose weight so that I feel more healthy. And in so doing, I'll have more energy and stamina to do those things that need to be done.

Missty said...

I knew it. I was thinking you were younger. lol Give your self some time. Those darn babies take alot out of us women. And we have all felt that way. really, we have. So, pick yourself up, and put somethign fun on today. Wear some make-up if that is what you "use" to do. Have your man take notice when he walks in the door tonight.... and go from there.

Or srx text him as he is leaving work - it might feel ackward and silly, but start doing little things that aren't mommy-mode. Do little things that are sexy wifey things. You will love it, and so will your man. I promise - no more rut.

Anonymous said...

Excellent post. Loved it.

Anjeny said...

I like all the comments and I think that Missty's comment sorta hit the spot. I think it's kind of an age thing, sorta, when we hit our late 20's with kids, we started missing our younger selves. I echo what everyone said here and I will definitely keep my fingers crossed for you. I enjoy reading this post and I will definitely be stalking you..LOL.

heelsnstocking said...

Honestly I could of written that post mysef until 3 years ago and I found me again. I realised I was more than a mother, house keeper, bread winner. I had forgotten what my real name even sounded like to be spoken with affection.

I got myself back and I have to say Im still mad I let it happen in the first place and it may be the cause for the demise of our marriage as im not prepared to settle for being invisible anymore but I cant lose me again if he leaves it will be all I have left.

(well that and the love of my children)

Anonymous said...

First, I want to say that I've always been a curvy girl size 10-12, 165lbs at my heaviest (5'6"). I'm now at 140 lbs, size 6-8 and feeling much better. I've had two miscarriages and I totally understand the toll that the physical trauma of pregnancy puts on your body. So although we are still struggling with infertility and have not had a viable pregnancy yet, I can relate to the issues the Gucci Mama describes.

BUT you have to make your health your #1 priority. Honestly, I have always had a deep fear of gaining weight because my mother is in terrible shape and literally will eat herself into an early grave. So I have always prioritized exercise and eating a healthy, primal diet. How can you rationally expect to feel like a million bucks if you continually give your body terrible processed foods and no exercise? You may be feeling terrible about your body because your body feels terrible.

Even when I weighed 165ls, I could squat 150 lbs and deadlift 350 lbs (I could only ever bench 60 lbs at the most). But I could lift my own canoe, hike the Inca trail, and sea kayak all weekend.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that what helped me is to start treating my body literally as my temple. If you just start making baby steps to improve your health, your self-confidence will skyrocket! And at 27, you still have time to establish years of amazing healthy habits that will add years to your life!

You are a strong person who has mentally and physically survived tremendous obstacles. Getting healthy is easy compared to what you've already done. I'm sure you already know the rules. Eat fresh whole foods, exercise frequently. This has changed my life (I was lucky enough to have the first miscarriage that actually almost killed me at 21 so I lost the weight and really started taking my health seriously then!)

You can do it! But it has to come from you, not your husband or the mirror. The brain!

-Texan Girl