Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Group Therapy: Did I over react?


This is where people write in and ask for advice. So read and please comment.

Saturdays are all about the kids dance classes, I'm a taxi and I love it. It’s my day to be proud I don’t see it as a chore.

The last of the classes ended and we headed home, it was about 6pm. The son was playing out and the husband enjoying a beer watching footy. At 6.30pm I asked what time the son had to be back, (he is only 6 years old and whilst you got to let them have some freedom it comes with boundaries and controls. The ones I set are no further than the park and if he goes in a friends house we have to know which one and agree times to come home).

"He is due back soon" hubby says, I continue to prepare tea. At 7pm I ask "who is he with?", “I dunno” was the reply “a little guy on a bike” . What time did you say he should be back “he couldn’t find his watch so I didn’t say when”.

I grab my bike and get the girls to get their’s and do a lap of the estate and he is no where to be seen.

I go into mild panic but control and strategy are also present. I go back to ask the husband "is he on his bike his scooter or what?" “why you all mad at me” he says “I’m not the one who’s late”.

Using carefully chosen language that I shall not repeat “it's about finding him right now not your ability to act as a responsible parent” he said “more like you are being neurotic, he will be fine, he will come home soon”.

Really would you sit at home waiting to find out or would you knock on every friends door until you found him?

I did, he was in the 6th house colouring in Ben 10 posters.

When we got home and I had a calm chat with the son about being specific about where he was and who he was with he said, "I told Daddy I was in Lewis’s house and he said ok". The husbands memory instantly returned and he said, "yeah the little guy was called Lewis!"

All he had to do was take some responsibility and remember some basic info and none of that would of happened. Instead he told me I was being unreasonable and dramatising something that didn’t need to be.

Or was I over reacting?


Heels X


Anonymous said...

No I would have been in panic mode also. Never had a big scare but if my kid isn't right where he/she is supposed to be it is freak out time in short order.

In this day and time you can't do it like we used to. When I was 8-9-10 me and my cousin used to walk DOWN THE HIGHWAY 3 miles to go fishing, and be gone all day and nobody worried a bit, you think I'd let my kids do that?

Your man needs to step up and be a little bit more concerned now a days!
Good Post Heels!

heelsnstocking said...

thanks Sage x

Its like no other feeling when you think you have lost them. He went missing in Disney, florida, the honey I shrunk the kids thing. They shut the whole park down after 30 mins of them not being able to find him and another cild being reported missing. I was crawling through tunnels and climbing walls looking for him. When I came down I have a bible basher stood next to me praying I wanted to basher her myself! After another 15mins him and the other child turned up!! they had found a service hatch that lead to a storage room full of cool Disney stuff and had been playing in there all the time! upside is Disney gave us loads of freebies and they fixed the hatch so it wouldnt happen again.

Anonymous said...

I too would have been in panic mood in this were a situation I was in. With the amount of children that are kidnapped, hurt, raped, murdered and so forth, every parent should know where their child is at all times.

I think you're husband should have known where your son was. If he forgets easily then he should be writing it down. He didn't even seem to care that you were upset, that your son was basically missing and that he hadn't even bothered to help you look for him. That's a HUGE problem in my books and something I think you should be talking to him about. You have EVERY RIGHT to be upset, and you are not "unreasonable", "dramatising something" or "neurotic".

Maybe this is just me being overly cautious, My son will be six in June. He's fairly responsible and mature for his age. However, I would NEVER allow him to play anywhere outside without me or my husband. The only place he may go without one of us outside is our very own, fully fenced in, difficult to get out of and into backyard.

Anonymous said...! I would have been out of my mind! I would have had some very colourful language (out of little ears range) for my delightful other half....

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

I'm going to be the bad parent in this group. I would say NO you didn't over react for you because you husband should remember the important details, but also I'm guessing if his subconscious hadn't told him he knew but just couldn't remember he might have been a little more worried maybe? Like for instance, one time I got home after a long day at work and my daughter was no where to be found, so I asked my dad (who was watching her) where she was.

He sat there for a moment and then said, she's at a friends.

And I was like, okay...which friend?

And he said ya know? I can't remember right now.

I just said...okay, as long as you where told she went somewhere I'm good.

I didn't panic because I know he wouldn't allow her to go anywhere that wasn't safe, he just had a brain fart and couldn't remember whose house.

An hour later her BF's mom dropped her off, which was the plan her and my dad had worked out.

I understand the things that can happen to children and if your gut instinct told you to worry then I say trust that...but also what about having some trust in your husband that he wouldn't let your child go with just anyone???

I don't know. Just thinking out loud. Every parent is different and you have to be comfortable with your choices.

If no one knows where one of my kids are...then yea, I'd freak. But we have rules like you and they are pretty good to follow them! :)

Forgive spelling, I'm on my phone!

Mrs.Duran said...

UMMM NO you didnt over react! I am in shock that you hubby was being so " laid back" the whole thing he should have seen how worried you and helped you find him! what would he had done if he wasnt at his friends house coloring! I am a cops wife and I hear some many horrible stories about children who were killed or taken because their parents didnt know where they were at! Your husband needs to grow up and take responabilty for his children!
Good for you for being a great mom and caring about your sons well being! in this day and age we can be to careful!

Missty said...

I am with Shelle with this one. Your son is six, - he doesn't go far ever at that age. He went off on his bike/scooter with another boy. He certainly wouldn't of taken off with an axe murderer 6 year old. So he was with someone you all knew, a friend.

I agree your husband should of remembered, but he didn't. My husband knows faces of our kids friends, but to remember there names just probably wont happen.

Nor am I a fear monger. Statistics with children abductions, really haven't went up - the meadia is just faster on getting the info on the news - which is good.

So him in the nieghborhood - I wouldn't of freaked to fast. Unless you live in the Watts part of Los Angeles, or some other horrible nieghborhood.
Lost at Disneyland or another public area, I would of freaked and have before.

And I let my 11-14 year olds get on there bikes and go fishing 3 miles away all day. Its good for them.

So many parents are not letting there kids have space and room. We keep them locked inside playing video games.... where they are safe.

~DokterKenny said...

Oh no..I would have been in high freak out mode too, and my ex would have been getting an earful. Here is the all turned out great...but what would have happened it did not. How would that husband have felt then. Unfortunately, this is one fucked up world we live in, and we HAVE to be ultra vigilant of parents!

DCHY said...

If it was me and my wife was being blase about it, I wouldv'e kicked her butt and told her to go find the kid. You didn't overreact...he underreacted. He should've known that the kids are more important than TV.

Homer and Queen said...

I'm with you...I live in Vegas and mine aren't even allowed to play in the front yard. I trust no one!

heelsnstocking said...

Wow I go in a meeting anbd youve all commentated!

thanks guys.. We live in a lvely little estate and 10 houses down is a park and thats his boundary no further. He never goes beyond it he always tells me if he is going in a friends house or moving from one play pal to the next. Its our rules. He isnt allowed out without his watch on and he comes and gives me a high five at agree intervals. You have to let them have some freedom but within my parental comfort zones. These are things me and the husband have agreed on together so thats what gets me, apart from the sheer hysteria of thinking he was missing, is im out the house for a couple of hours at ballet and everything is ignored, its not like i have my mental mother over or a lazy babysitter. This is meant to be his biggest concern and instead i am villafied for by irrational for not knowing where he was.

heelsnstocking said...

shelle, i do get your point and yes my instinct said panic because he would never go off without telling someone. If he was playing out with a little guy on the bike it is in the square in front of the house. I just dont get why the husband was so angry at me asking where he was and trying to narrow down who it was, it was like it was a personal attack on him and it was about finding something so precious

heelsnstocking said...

Missty the rules ive put in place are to let him have more freedom as I do agree we need to let the discover, like most of you im sure i used to go out on a saturday morning and only come home if I got hungry or it got dark but its different for so many reasons, road traffic and bad people being only 2 of them.

and whilst he understands stranger danger and all that I dont want to be the one to find out the hard way, how long should I of waited to go find him.

Missty said...

You know what heels, I think you have great rules for your son. I think they are perfect for his age, and so far he has done what has been asked - checking in, tells where he is going, etc. He did tell his dad. He dad, created the problem sounds like. I know my husband has forgotten kids names.

And I really think you probably freaked out at the proper time. lol
I think the problem isn't your son missing, it is how the situation was handled between you and your spouse. He could of been a bit more giving of information. "He went down to the cute little blonde boys home" Or, "cant think of the little boys name, but he is the one that is ALWAYS over here"
Something like that would of eased your mind a lot. You would of know who he was talking about.
And then could of decided to go check on him, or give him a little more time.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Good point Missty- it comes down to his disregard for her concern. He could have definitely said something to ease her mind.

And yea heels, I don't get why he would act like it was a personal attack on him unless he felt guilty or something? And so he took it as an attack?

heelsnstocking said...

Missty - the rules have done us well with the kids, he is the youngest, each time they demonstrate being trust worthy and reach milestones we have rewarded them with a little more room in the rules.

Shelle - I think guilt is a huge part of it, for at least an hour of getting the kids to bed I was under attack and I think it was him deflecting. Ive stood my ground and underlined they were his rules he broke and he is not respect what binds us as parents because lets face it if we show a glimmer of a gap in the parental armour to the kids they make the most of playing each parent of each other... far too smart for there own good.

Anonymous said...

I have four kids, and over the years I've managed to mislocate two of them.

The first was sort of my fault. We were making our way down the block for the annual summer parade, and my daughter (4) said she wanted to go back and walk with mommy, so I let her. Only she got distracted by the runners who prefaced the parade and decided to follow them. After twenty frantic minutes, a cop found her jogging along about four blocks away.


The other was when my son (3) decided to take advantage of my wife's bathroom break and head out the back door. This one was a bit more startling for both of us. I wasn't home, and she just completely panicked. I cannot blame her, for we lived on a very busy street at the time. Again, after a frantic almost half hour, the cops found him in a church playground about two blocks away.

Now we live in a smaller community, and we know the people and they know us. Had we lived here then, and the kids had gone missing, there might not have been the massive worry. We would have found them eventually, and probably not have been too concerned.

It is never too early to teach your kids to check in. We've done this as our kids have gotten older. Our rule is, if you go to a friend's house, you call immediately and let us know where you are. This has worked for us. And it teaches the kids responsibility.

So sorry for your scare . . .

heelsnstocking said...

Thanks guys, feedback been helpful. I was starting to doubt myself and now I feel I did the right thing

Heel xx