Thursday, August 19, 2010

Better Left Unsaid

Arguing is my full-time job. We call it our "craft" and hone our abilities to a finely sharpened sword. I can chest thump and posture as well as any male attorney - and often have to do it louder and harder to overcome my long hair, breasts and lack of male genitalia.

It's a challenge to turn that side of my personality off. Harder still is that hubby is also a litigator. And when two people who get paid to argue turn those skills on each other, watch out!

My horoscope yesterday said that I need to work on finding a sensor between what I think and what I say. kidding! There's no greater place I need to fight for that sensor button than in my relationship.

With little things, it's no problem. Like when I gave our son a cupcake for breakfast yesterday morning as a reward for his using the potty. Before I knew it, my finger was at my lips, "Shhh...this will be our little secret, honey. Daddy doesn't need to know you ate frosting for breakfast."

For a long time, I also didn't tell hubby about my blog. I wasn't hiding it from him, per se. It never came up in conversation and I liked having my own little slice of cyberspace where I could write ANYTHING I wanted. I didn't want to have to censor myself because family could be lurking out there reading my stuff, giving me free reign to bitch about hubby or my in-laws if the mood struck.

Larger things are tougher to keep in. I'm not talking the "honey, I went out and dropped a grand on things we don't need while we're supposed to be saving for a house" stuff. Or "whoops! I bounced the mortgage payment this month."

I'm also not talking about little white lies. When I was pregnant and big as a house, I'm glad he said I was beautiful. He could have told me (accurately) that I looked rather...bovine. I return the favor by not pointing out that his tie clashes with his shirt and he shouldn't be wearing his brown shoes with the black pants on a day he took extra care with his appearance.

I mean things like "I hate your mother."

Those words never should have escaped my lips. Come to think of it, neither should "If you think that woman is going to be alone with our son ever again, it'll be over my dead body."

The gory details which led up to those statements don't really matter and I make no apologies for feeling that way. I still maintain that I was right and she was dead wrong. Despite that, I could have handled the situation better and didn't need to make a public spectacle of things.

But the part I feel badly about is that he didn't have to know. As pissed off as I was, hubby could have remained blissfully ignorant - or willfully blind. He didn't have to be made to feel like he had to choose between his wife and mother.

I probably deserved it when he told me if I couldn't get over his mom being in our son's life it was over. Did he mean it? I don't really want to find out. I kind of wish he kept THAT one to himself.

Should there be open communication in a marriage? Absolutely! Should you tell your spouse every little thing? I say HELL NO!

Think about it. Do you really want to know all the dark thoughts lurking in the recesses of your partner's head?

I sure don't. What I don't know, can't hurt me...

Jaime  --Has also posted for us HERE


Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Actually, I use to think that I needed to know everything he was thinking or feeling about me. I have come to find out that NO I do not. I'd rather be blissfully ignorant... with any relationship I am in actually.

In a sense it's living in somewhat of an unrealistic world. But I don't care. If I'm going off of my mind as comparison, than I'd rather not know.

See my downfall is that I get over things really quickly. I use to think that was one of my best qualities, but I have come to find out that it is actually a big weakness on my part--I tend to get "walked on" in a sense. People that know me, use that against me, they don't have to say sorry or care what they do to me because if they wait sometimes even a few minutes, I will have gotten over it.

So as far as any relationship I'm in... if I don't know what they are thinking or doing, especially if it's no good for me, the better--

Thank for the post girl!

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

That was suppose to be THANKS with an "s" for the post! :)

nitebyrd said...

You're so right. There are definitely things that your partner/spouse should never know. It's very hard during the heat of the moment to keep the thoughts from spilling out but for the good of the relationship, holding them in is a must.

Actually, spilling them out to relieve tension is what a blog is for! ;)

Anonymous said...

Hm. I half agree.

I've always been really big on "I'm sorry for what I said and how I said it, but I'm not sorry for how I feel."

When I have had a problem with my husband, especially when it comes to his family, I've made my feelings entirely clear. I have made choices of who I will be around and who I will not and when I will make exceptions to my decision. I have the right to not want to be around certain people. But then, he has the right to be around those people. I can't choose for him.

I will never, ever, make my husband choose between me and his family, nor do I feel it's fair of me to use my children as pawns and will never deny their grandparents access (if they've done something to harm them, then that's entirely different and would have to be discussed and whatever the decision be, they would never be left alone with them again).

Now, despite those specific situations/topics, I know for a fact that my husband keeps things from me in regards to his feelings about me (if he's angry, upset, etc). I do the same. He does it because if I knew, if could affect my depression. If I tell him, it could affect our marriage. And neither of us are willing to let those things happen. Deep down though, we usually know what the other is feeling/thinking any way.

It all goes back to a saying I read in a Chicken Soup book;

"Sticks and stone will break bones. Words can shatter the soul."

Great post Jaime. It was well written and I think a lot of people can relate to this, one way or another.

stupid smart girl said...

IMO, it's the ultimatums that should go unsaid. Making threats is not a constructive way to communicate, no matter how valid your feelings. It doesn't build trust, and it doesn't encourage cooperation.

Meeko Fabulous said...

I agree entirely. I don't always tell my Significant Smother about everything. I don't call it lying . . . I call it withholding evidence . . . LoL Sometimes it's just easier to avoid a fight that way. :)

wendy said...

I have learned (I think) over the years and 3 marriages.....pick your battles.... and better to choke on your words sometimes then have your loved ones drown in them.

I am basically not a confrontaional person, but I know how badly words can hurt. And even though one may say "I'm sorry" kinda don't forget. We should....but we don't.

Interesting that you are both attorneys. I used to be a clerk for a Judge for 13 years.

that's kinda like our personal fights I guess, might be out of line and inadmissable in the fact of "will this really help or hinder the situation"

I'm rambling.
Wrap it up counsel.

TisforTonya said...

I can think of two things ManOfTheHouse said just this morning that I'd be better off not having heard...

it was a crappy morning.

of course, there are plenty of things I probably should learn to keep to myself as well - it's not just him all the time (just today)

GoodWill said...

Ohhhh do I know what you mean. My wife is an attorney as well, and your writing could be words out of her mouth.

And I'd agree with what you wrote. Not every little thing needs to be said, nor should every thought be shared. There's a difference between honesty and unnecessarily brutally honest.