Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Your spouse is cheating... with a twist!?

Shelle Edit:  I was going to go on my regular rampage about our Guest Blogger today.  I've seen her around, I know her to be intelligent, and I've been on her blog, reading some time consuming material, but she explains herself better on her profile, "My life has been dramatically changing with life altering events on a consistant annoying basis. I have become full of love, hate, and resentment. Come understand ME, through laughter, tears and the opportunity for friendship" --I highly suggest you read her personal blog. You'll understand why. Thanks ChocoDrop for taking a Giant Leap and writing about this over here, exposing a very varied audience to an almost taboo subject.

Sexually things have changed rather quickly and you two have fought and talked and talked about your dwindling sexual relationship. Suggestions of counseling, a third party (3somes) or an open marriage were all shot down because he "LOVES" me and he doesn't want anyone else. In the back of your mind you wonder is he cheating? Then the bombshell happens after a year you find the unexpected but expected...... You find out he is no doubt looking to stray from your marriage. Your spouse is cheating with a twist.

He is looking/involved with a MAN. Yes a man!!!! Seeing the words and pictures (in black and white) sent back and forth and the things the two MEN were talking about doing was very eye opening. I have to admit that there was a sense of relief knowing it wasn't me!!! Knowing he didn't want me because I was a female and I had the wrong equipment, made it easier. In a blink of an eye all the talks and fighting are now very vivid in my mind with ALL the lies he told.

It's one thing to find out your spouse is cheating, but is it different when the same sex is involved?? How do you handle it? Would you react to it the same way? Before you had to worry about competing with women everywhere but its a whole other can of worms when you are now competing with men.

So my questions are is he sleeping with his buddies?? How many are real buddies and how many are "buddies"?? When he and the guys get together are they shacking up in a motel together instead of at the bar or the golf course?? I mean seriously are we talking a brokeback mountain thing???? Is he being safe? Has he exposed me to things beyond my control. Yep...FEAR is here. All tests NEGATIVE!

The ultimate in a marriage has been betrayed. I didn't marry to be the wife he could hide behind for his escapades!!!!! I didn't marry to be in a sexless marriage, I am to young for that crap!!!! I didn't get the opportunity to make a decision in this!!!

The LIES.....the!

You can't hurt me with the truth you can only hurt me with a LIE.



tiarastantrums said...

wow - that's all I have right now! Still processing

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Okay, first of all... I think the Vagina with the name, "please eat me" is stepping over my line of they are okay to follow? I'm not sure they are even a real person!? And I'm too afraid to look. But that's a little pornish for me. So Vagina person... if you are a real person. I'm happy that you are wanting to read over here, but I'd ask that you follow anonymously so the picture doesn't show up. That really goes for nipple girl and someone in a sexual act.

I'm not sure they will read this comment... but if they do. This isn't a porn site. It's a relationship site.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Okay, ChocoDrop- I don't know what I'd do. But that would be a betrayal that would be hard. I'm not sure which I'd prefer, the cheating on a woman or the cheating with a man?

But I agree... I don't like being lied to, or being blindsided... being the "one that didn't know".


nitebyrd said...

The comfort of at least knowing that it wasn't you, while small, something. That he did LIE, not only to you but to himself, is not right. That you really can't "fix" your marriage is evident. I do hope you can get over what he has done and move forward to someone that wants you because they love you as a woman.

Gucci Mama said...

Wow. Such devastating betrayal. I wish I had something relevant to add. I just can't imagine.

I've faced infidelity, but not like this. This, to me, seems more devastating than cheating with another woman.

I don't know. I've typed and erased things like six times because I don't know how to say what I want to say. I just don't have a frame of reference for this.

I'm just sorry you have to face it. I'm with nitebyrd; I hope you can move on and find someone who will love, value, and respect you.

vailian said...

This is more common than you would think. A co-worker of mine--with a wife and 3 children-- went the same way, fell in love with a young man... left his family to pursue his new life. They had to sell their beautiful big house and he had to completely redefine his existence.
But you know what? Now, after 2 years, he has found a new female partner, he is much happier and more well balanced, and has reconciled with his family.
And another very close friend was bisexual for a long time, but ended up marrying a lovely girl (they have 2 kids now). I suspect he is still torn by conflicting feelings now and again, but he is fiercely loyal (and faithful) to his wife.
I could tell dozens of similar stories (OK, I move in a world where it is more common and doesn't carry the stigma it might do in some communities), some of them end happily and some don't. I am not convinced there is any absolute truth here, the joy and the suffering just swing back and forth.

Anonymous said...

Hey ChocDrop darling. You know my thoughts on this already. But I thought I'd stop by any way to show my support here on Real World as well. LOVE YOU LOTS!!!

Anonymous said...

What a stunning and heartfelt post. The last line is especially powerful and true.

Thanks for sharing your story with us. I believe there's hope in every experience, even one as devastating as this.

Perhaps the more you're able to talk about this openly in forums like this one, the more it will help in your healing process, allowing you to move on to a healthier and happier life. It will also serve as a lesson for us. Maybe, someone who is considering going into a marriage or any other kind of relationship with a lie (without allowing his or her partner to be a part of the decision-making process) will think twice about it, after reading about your experience and seeing the overwhelming hurt and betrayal it can and will cause...

I wish you all the best.

heelsnstocking said...

wow tough thing to deal with, i know i would struggle with that wonderin what parts of our relationship had been a comprimise but you need to focus on you and find a way to move forward, sometimes things fall apart so something amazing can come together.

Yummy x

Big Fat Gini said...

I can honestly say that I'd be more hurt and devastated if it happened this way. I don't know if it would be easier to wrap my head around the idea or if I would still blame myself (because it's my personality).

That's really tough...

The Bare Essentials Today said...

I think I'd be equally hurt and disappointed regardless if it were a man or a woman.

Thanks for sharing your story!

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

So I've been thinking about this all day as comments have come in and even talked about it with a friend whose FIL did the same thing to her MIL. I told her to read the post.

She says that her MIL's hardest thing to get over is that she DOES somewhat blame herself. Like she wasn't woman enough or something like that.

I love that you see it differently. Or from what I read you know that you need help through it... that it's hard and something hard to go through, but that your going to weather the storm and come out on top.

I would still, like you, be pissed that he lied regardless. It's no fun at all being blindsided or getting the feeling that you are being blindsided.

Again, thanks for writing this for us.

vixen kitten said...

*hugs* Sweetie. Sending you lots of them.

Now, I can't answer for him. I won't begin to. What I can do is share some things that I've experienced.

I don't hide the fact that I'm bisexual. I'm not bisexual in the "oh my guy really wants to see this, or oh being with a man and a woman would be such a hot little experiment." I'm bisexual in the fact that I am attracted to both sexes. More so women, than men. Am I bisexual and not a lesbian because as a young girl coming of age my feelings for women had to be hidden? I honestly can't answer that. I can tell you that the pressure put on people to be "normal" in the eyes of society is huge. Being a female and being attracted to other women in these days is not as frowned upon, however, being a man who is attracted to other men still carries intense scrutiny and stigma.

Now I don't know the whole story of your marriage and your relationship. What I want you to know is that I truly doubt he set out to intentionally hurt you. I would guess he set out with the best of intentions, but deep down inside of his heart he couldn't deny what and who he is. For those of us who's sexuality doesn't follow the conventional road, the journey of self discovery can be long, painful and filled with lies.

In the end we all want to be loved. The warm touch of another person. A place where we feel our self and safe. Knowing the beautiful heart that you have I would guess that he sought to conform and thought he could have that with you. Maybe that will make it easier to forgive him. I don't know. Again, I don't know all the details of your relationship, and I can only speak from the many friend I have in the LGBT community and the things they have shared with me.

I hope you can move on. I hope you can forgive. I know the right person will find you and love you, because that wonderful heart of yours radiates love, radiates warmth, and radiates the beauty that is within it.

Love to you, Sugar,

vixen kitten said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Meeko Fabulous said...

I am SO sorry you had to go through that! OMG. I remember when I was dating a guy only to find out a few dates later that he was married! I dropped him quick style. Nothing makes cheating ok. Nothing.

DGB said...

So much here...I don't even know how to form a comment or question.

Does he consider himself gay? Bisexual? Has he been hiding his "true" self and it's only now coming out?

That doesn't make the betrayal any less severe, but it could shed some light on his behavior.

So sorry you're going through this.