Monday, October 11, 2010

Group Therapy: Frustrated

Welcome To Group Therapy:

"My wife and I are great friends.  We get along really well in all aspects of our life, but one, sex.  She just doesn't enjoy it and I want it all of the time.  I always feel like I'm begging her and she always feels like I'm nagging her for it.  This is the one thing in our marriage that we can't seem to come to a compromise on and I'm all out of ideas. It's a big enough deal to me that I'm starting to be bitter about it.  Lotion, my hand, and alone time is getting old.

I was wondering if there were people out there in my same situation.  If there is, or if anyone has any ideas, I am all ears.

I love my wife.  

What should be our first step in helping this part of our lives.


Okay you guys know the drill.  Please leave your advice in comments, and feel free to comment on other peoples comments.


PorkStar said...

Honestly, even coming to a compromise with the wife when it comes to this, if she's not in the mood, it simply won't happen. Women work totally different in this regard. Couple's therapy could possibly be of help since it may help find out any extra issues that may be causing her not to want to have sex. Just my two cents.

Momma Sunshine said...

In my experience (and I was totally there with my ex) when something isn't going right in the bedroom, it is often just a symptom of other issues in the relationship.

The Green-Eyed Brat said...

I personally have a higher than normal libido. I'm like a teenage boy times two...however there was a period in my life that I was COMPLETELY A-sexual and when I was finally beaten down to have sex i would just lay there with my eyes closed and my knuckles white from balling my hands into fists. The only noise I would make was when I HAD to breath or when I asked if he was almost done.

I didn't love him so sex was NOT enjoyable. I don't know much about your relationship. I can only speak from my own experiences.

A relationship without sex is shitty.

sleepless in cyberspace said...

I could be the wife in this situation. I have absolutely no sex drive, and my husband could honestly do it 3 times a day without a problem. When we do it, it's generally sympathy sex on my part. I wish it were different, but it's true.

However, last night, my husband arranged a little date night at home. It was really sweet and just the smallest effort on his part went a long way for me. I felt appreciated, and I felt like he *loved* me, not just that he was horny. We went to bed early and took our time. It was worth it.

My advice would be to make time for it. Speak your wife's "love language." (Time, service, gifts, etc.) Make sure she knows you think she's beautiful, that you love *her*, and not just sex. Make sure she's telling you what she wants. Make it all about her.

Good luck.

Tit for Tat said...

I recommend a new book called "sex at dawn". It may not help your marriage per se, but it definately will have you think differently about sex and monogamy.

wendy said...

Like the Green Eyed Brat...I too am very sexual. I. Love. It. and I'm 59.
I am just wondering...I have a sister and my best friend just could care less if they ever had sex ever again. They've never liked it. Then on more talking with my sis...she told me SHE HAS NEVER HAD AN ORGASM/CLIMAX.
Made me wonder about my friend.
I think if I NEVER "got there" I might not like sex so much either. It would seem a little more likea futile chore.

How many women out there have "missed out" on the big O.
Cause I have to think if you've experienced that, how could you not want more and more.

Women are very different in their sexual experiences /abilities it seems.

I don't know what advice I can give you or help for that matter.

Have you asked your wife if she is able to "get there"......what can you do to make the experience more pleasurable for her??

that is a hard one. (oops, I think I just made a funny there)

Anonymous said...

I hear you, I went through the same thing, although our relationship was not perfect. The cliff notes on my path:

-Nervous breakdown and split from reality, started seeing escorts, wife realized that she wants me in her life, she changed her way of thinking and let go of her stupid religious and self image baggage and just started to enjoy being with has been so plentiful that I don't have time for escorts any more (although I have not given that up).

-If you love her but you need your fix...well...that is why there is Backpage, and Citivibe and (until recently) Craigslist. The oldest profession in the world, for a reason.

Unknown said...

If you find this answer you will put all of the divorce attorneys out of business!!

Try the small gentle steps and recreate the passion. It might be hard - but make her feel important.

Meeko Fabulous said...

This sounds like a problem that me and my partner have. Sometimes I suck it up (no pun intended) and just do it to get it over with. Other times I just have to say no. Sometimes I'm tired or too emotionally drained to have sex. Is there ever a time when she's in the mood and you're not? Perhaps asking her if there's something that she would like during sex? Or maybe you're coming on too strong and she needs to be wooed or a tad more foreplay? Just a few thoughts. :)

Nolens Volens said...

The thing is, this blogger is frustrated with having to spend time with his built-in girlfriend when he would rather be with his wife.

I know that my wife isn't the kind to jump right into sex. She may have a higher sex drive than I do but she still enjoys foreplay.

If I were you in this situation, I would try having a honest conversation with no hidden/bitter agenda with her and find out what it is exactly she wants the most from me.

If she wants me to do the housework, I will do it. Need me home to take care of the sick child? I'll do it. Need me to fix the window? I'll do it.

You get the idea. Talk to her.

DCHY said...

Hmm. You did talk to your wife about this? Hmm. If that's the case, did you two ever try a session with a sex therapist?

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

I guess everyone has pretty much nailed this one on the head... but you must communicate. You want it anytime, so the thing to do is ask her what makes HER want it.

Then, you must accommodate her.

I think someone mentioned that maybe she is one of those women who just don't have an orgasm or it isn't that strong... and so sex isn't fun to her.

And for that... I'm not sure what you would do.

Someone also mentioned a Sex Therapist. I'd say start there if communication doesn't work.

Jodi said...

Hi Wendy!! thanks for your visit to my blog!! always especially great to meet another Canadian blogger.. although I still feel like I am not really a 'blogger' officially since I am still so new to this!!! Look forward to reading up and keeping up with your blog!!

Refreshing Frank said...

Check that she has a clitoris, then improve your petting technique until she gets better orgasm from you than herself.

Once you've done this make it difficult for her to masturbate - if possible. Cutting her off from the internet and porn sites unless your around is an important step.

If her clitoris has been removed in early life, and a surprising number of women have had this done by their mothers (I have personality known two for certain) then do not expect a sex life with her.

Lastly never push her into sex unwillingly. Wait until she is in the mood.

Good luck to you :)

Rachel said...

This sounds very much like my husband and me. Our first year of marriage and beyond was pretty rough because he wanted it ALL THE TIME, whereas once a week was enough for me. We fought about it a lot.

However, we worked really hard at communicating openly. Things didn't always go smoothly, but it got better. I began to get a better understanding for his needs, and he began to understand and respect mine. I promised that I would accommodate when he asked, as long as he was respectful of me (i.e. don't ask if I'm really sick or have been up all night with the baby).

As unromantic as it sounds, we eventually kind of established a schedule. With jobs and kids we are often exhausted and stressed. For him sex was a great stress relief, but for me when I was stressed sex was the last thing on my mind. Now, with a schedule I am able to better mentally prepare in advance so that night I am ready to go. He is happier knowing he won't have to ask for it and that he has something to look forward to. Sometimes I have to do it when I don't want to, and sometimes he has to wait a day or two, but we keep it balanced. Of course the "schedule" is flexible- if one of us is sick or whatever things will change. And of course, if the mood strikes you can always do it more than the so-called schedule dictates! That combined with honest and non-judgmental communication has really gotten our marriage on the right track.

Rachel said...

Oh, one more thing! Positive reinforcement goes a LONG way. Whining, guilt trips, and comments like "we never have sex!" will totally backfire. Your wife will feel unappreciated and resentful for the times she did do it when she wasn't feeling like it.

Being kind and appreciative, even if you are a little frustrated, helps a lot. Saying something like, "thanks for thinking of me tonight. I know you've been tired and I really appreciate it. I love you." Or, "I love spending time with you, thank so much for making time for us to be together tonight" or whatever will really reinforce those positive associations in her mind. Then, be sure to do something she likes without the expectation of sex in return. The dishes, a footrub,a date, whatever makes her happy.

It's all about mutual respect and give and take. You both have to regularly put the other person's needs above your own. It takes time to undo past resentment and frustration, but with effort and consistency hopefully things will get better over time.

nitebyrd said...

Since you didn't give a lot of information, I'm just gonna go with some of my own thoughts.

If she works full-time and you have young children, she may be exhausted from child care, work and then household duties. Do you help with these things?

Do you change things up? Having sex the same way over and over and over can suck the libido right out of you. The internet is a vast warehouse of knowledge for sexual techniques, etc. Setting the mood is always nice. Introducing "toys" and arousal creams might be a welcome surprise.

Does she feel taken for granted or under appreciated? Let her know she's beautiful to you. Make her feel special. Men can usually be "up" at a moments notice. Most women need some prelude and foreplay.

As others said, communicate! If there seems to be a physical, mental or emotional problem then seek professional help. Don't wait until either you or she are so angry/disgusted/unhappy that nothing will help.

CityMom2 said...

1. Has your sex life ever been "good"?
If yes, what changed?
If no, proceed.

2. Was it good before you got married?
If yes, what changed? Maybe she grew up in a house where she was sexually abused or women were a sub-species of the human race and the act of getting married triggered subconscious sex-dread. Definitely get help.

3. Do you have kids? If the answer is yes then she is probably
a. bone-tired
b. hyper aware that the kids might hear you.
c. bone-tired.
Also, if a woman has not had a second to herself all day the last thing she wants is sex.

4. 70% of married women report they have lousy sex lives and have difficulty climaxing. So you are not alone. The other guys are just BS-ing you.

I've been married 26 years dude. My hard earned advice is this.
Have you been married less than 5 years? If this is already a problem you need to take action.

Have you let yourself go? Does she still find you attractive? Be honest now. Are you still the same guy she fell in love with or do you resemble the hobbit?
If you have grown a beer gut, don't shower or shave all weekend and walk around scratching the boys then you are not too appealing (sexually). Do you brush your teeth?

I've seen some married guys just go to the dogs after only a year or two.

Good luck bud. Try to work it out now because at age 25 your testosterone levels begin to drop and continue dropping the rest of your life. Your wife, ironically, will peak at about 40.

Talk to her is #1. If she won't even talk about it...head to the therapist. If it is really as bad as it seems, you may have to consider whether or not the marriage should continue.