Tuesday, October 19, 2010

How I found out my son wasn't a virgin.

Children never think that their parents were ever children. Some weird synapses of the brain programs them to believe that their parents were plopped on earth as fully formed adults ready, willing and able to raise them. 

In some ways, I think the reverse is also true. Parents don't ever think their babies will become adults. I know we all imagine our children as grown, thinking of them being president or finding the cure for cancer.  In my case, I just was hopeful I'd be able to get them through school and out of the house at one point without visiting them in prison at any point.  But I digress.  When my son was born, it was a total surprise. Not that I was having a baby, I had that figured out, but that he was a he!  A sonogram early on predicted he was a she. (1985 sonograms not very advanced.)  My husband and I only had picked out a girls name. Everything I'd gotten for my shower was pink and/or girly.  So, you see HE was a huge surprise.  In more ways than one, he was freakin' HUGE! The boy weighed 10 pounds, one ounce at birth. Vaginal birth.  He looked like Mao Tse Tung, he was just adorable!

I did think about him becoming a man but it was a distant thought and I just never got my brain to accept the idea that he, my adorable baby boy, was actually destined to become an actual grown-up male human being. He did keep growing – the terrible two's, the I-only-want-mommy phase, the I-only-want-daddy phase, the I-hate-my-sister phase, the I-hate-everyone-phase, and the dreaded puberty.

A boy in puberty is a trial from nature. I finally understood why some species eat their young.  Again, I digress.  He grew and matured.  He began to take long showers and then he began to date. His first serious girlfriend was at the age of 15.  She was a very nice girl, got him to go to church – three times a week! They dated about a year. They were madly in love and then she dumped him.  Oh! The Agony!  That lasted about two months and my boy was back on the dating scene.  His next girlfriend, while nice, was a few months older than my son and was years wiser.  They were in lust.  I don't think she knew what church was let alone enter one, not that I'm judging, mind you.

While I could recognize the fact that my son, now a teenager with five o'clock shadow and a deep baritone voice, I still couldn't bear to admit to myself that he was on the verge of adulthood and all that entailed until the morning of July 5th of the year he was turning 17.  On that morning, I was picking up clothing from the bathroom floor to place in the hamper when a condom wrapper fell out of the pocket of his shorts. An empty condom wrapper.  An empty glow-in-the-dark (yellow) condom wrapper.

My baby, my sweet precious baby boy and his tart of a girlfriend had celebrated our country's independence with a BANG! He had also declared his own independence that exploded my delusion that children stay children.

Nitebyrd--> has also written for us HERE and HERE


Florida Dom said...

Yes, they do grow up. I remember when my daughter came home from college with a bunch of boxes. She left and then realized she had packed something she wanted and asked us to go through the boxes to find it. I think her cheekbook. As we looked, we found a box of condoms. Well, we knew she was growing up. But, hey, the condoms were a sign that my daughter and your son were being responsible. Still the evidence that my little girl was having sex took some getting used to.


Anonymous said...

At least you know he was being responsible, but I have to object to your use of the word "tart" in describing your son's girlfriend. After all, he was having sex too. If you're going to imply that she was promiscuous, then what does that say about him?

That being said, my son is 1 and my daughter will be 3 next month, and as much as I hate to think about them growing up, we already have their respective "talks" planned out. It's obvious that you did something right, since your son was practicing safe sex, so good job, Mom!

Nancy@ifevolutionworks.com said...

Oh, the agony! I'm heading in your direction. My son is almost 11 and already the 'girl' thing is appearing. The day is coming.....the later the better.

Welcome to the Garden of Egan said...

I think regardless of moral values and/or religion, this is not what most parents want to see happen for their kids.

DCHY said...

Ahh. The girls better not be ready for sex until they're 30! ;) I was nervous as hell when I told my mom that I wasn't a virgin anymore.

nitebyrd said...

Florida Dom ~ I spoke openly and honestly with both my children about the responsibilities of sex, birth control, STD, HIV/Aids, etc. It wasn’t a one time talk, it was ongoing from the time they were very young, age appropriate talk, of course. One of the worst things parents can do is to let their children be sexually ignorant, in my opinion.
My daughter is 33 and married. Her father still has trouble with her not being a virgin!

Elaina ~ Oh, my son is a big ol’ boy ho! I called his girlfriend a “tart” facetiously, in keeping with what I’d hoped was a humorous tone. She actually was a nice girl but she was much different from his first serious girlfriend. Have many talks with your kids and always know that no matter how much you tell, warn, inform, they will end up doing things you’d rather not ever know about. But also know that the majority of what you talk to them about does make an impression.

Nancy ~ Yup. Those hormones start to simmer at about that age. I can’t say if it was just my kid, having only one of each, but my son was MUCH worse than my daughter going through puberty.

Garden of Egan ~ My home is a spiritual home, not a religious one. If I had a choice in the matter, I would have preferred he stay a virgin until he was much older. I’m thankful that he and his girlfriend were responsible and that he is not promiscuous.

DCHY ~ Yeah, good luck on that! My daughter woke me up one morning at 2:00 am to tell me she wasn’t a virgin anymore making me swear an oath not to tell her father. She wasn’t close to 30! Her father is still wondering how she’ll have the children she’s planning on because he can’t imagine his “little girl” having marital relations!

Ron said...

What a faaaaaaaabulous post, Nitebyrd!!!!

"The boy weighed 10 pounds, one ounce at birth. Vaginal birth."

OMG...you deserve a special birthing award!

I have to agree with Elaina...at least your son was being responsible.

Yup...I was 17 too when I lost my virginity.

Shhhhh...but don't tell anyone, ok?

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

aaaaccckkk!!! I don't want to go through that ever. I don't want teenagers... how do I give my kids back?

I'm way unfit to handle any of that.

I'd have fainted.

Unknown said...

I am busting my ass laughing sweetheart. At least he's using protection right?! lol.

~DokterKenny said...

1) This last sentence "my baby, my sweet precious baby boy and his tart of a girlfriend had celebrated our country's independence with a BANG! He had also declared his own independence that exploded my delusion that children stay children"
<<<TOTALLY Freudian I'm just sayin' :-)

2) Meh...I found Condoms, porn, liquor and pink fuzzy handcuffs in my oldest son's room. I didn't know whether to pat him on the back or chastise him!

Tracie said...

Well my 6 year old has promised me that he is done growing! So while you all have to deal with teenage children mine will forever stay 6.
I love my world :)

wendy said...

That last paragraph was hysterical.
I remember when I first discovered my oldest son had pubic hair.
He was 12 and changing out of a swim suit....my little boy.....and I turned around and saw PUBIC HAIR.
I freaked. I just wasn't ready to believe he was growing up.

I think it is important in this day to make sure our children understand sex, whatever value you as a family put on it, and how to be responsible and accountable.

TisforTonya said...

with a 15 year old boy this makes me want to stick my fingers in my ears and run around in circles screaming "I can't hear you nyah nyah nyah"

too bad that won't accomplish anything... well, except for getting myself thrown in the loony bin. where at least I wouldn't have to be doing laundry.

time for another "talk" boys...


Love it! And yes, thank goodness you informed him on how to protect himself. Sex is fun til somebody gets hurt, right?

Fun post!

Riff Dog said...

Seventeen? Seventeen??? No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. No. That must just be an east coast thing, because my girls won't be doing anything like that until they're at *least* 25. Maybe when they turn 18, they can hold hands. Yep.

Great post.

~DokterKenny said...

Good luck with that Riff...the biological will to bump uglies is much stronger than parental supervision.

nitebyrd said...

Ron ~ I'll keep your secret. No one will ever know. ;) I thought I was giving birth to a full grown dolphin! He's still big - way taller than his dad and anyone else in the family. He's 6' and his sister is 5' 1"! LOL

Shelle ~ I tried to give 'em back several times. However the stork never showed up and I had to take them off the roof. The neighbors complained. You'll be amazed at what you will handle as they grow. The trick is to always make them think you are omniscient.

Alex ~ Thanks! I actually think I was most appalled that he was using a cheap glow-in-the-dark condom then I was at him having sex. I went out and bought him a box of Trojan condoms that I knew were fresh. Here that, Shelle - I went to the market and got condoms for my kid! :/ I was probably as red as a beet but I wanted him to know that quality was important when it came to protection.

Kenny ~ 'splain the Freudian to me. I'm trying to figure out where my slip is showing. ;) Finding the porn videos in his room is a whole other story along with him having a sleep-over with the girlfriend!

Tracie ~ I'm SO happy for you! I wish I could have extracted that promise from mine. But then I'd never have gotten them out of the house!

Wendy ~ My son would not let me see him naked from the time he was 5 years old. When he was a bout 13-14, I sent his father into the bathroom while he was taking a shower to check things out, make sure all was proceeding as it was supposed to, you know? He got so angry! He stomped out of the bathroom, towel draped, dripping wet and announced that, "All my junk is FINE, MOM!! *snort*hysterical laughing*
I grew up without very much parental involvement in anything, let alone sex, I didn't want that for my kids.

T ~ (AND EVERYONE WITH KIDS) Here is an absolutely fabulous site for parents and teens: SCARLETEEN


It's honest, thorough and sex-positive. I recommend it for parents to view before hand to discuss with pre and young teens. For older teens and beyond, it's wonderful. I wish something like this was available when my children were young.

T ~ I always thought both boys and girls need to have responsibility for their actions. That meant birth control and STD/HIV/Aids protection and awareness. Also, drugs and alcohol. Having too many alcoholics on both sides of the family made my husband and I almost fanatical about that.

Riff ~ Oh! You are so delusional! That's not going to happen, hun. Visit SCARLETEEN then get a hobby like doing 5,000 piece jigsaw puzzles, 'cause your gonna have some late nights waiting up for them to come home from dates!

Kenny ~ Amen, brother!

UP said...

Don't wanna know, don't wanna know, not listening, not listening, not listening. La la la la la la la la la la la la la, is it all over now?


binks said...

Great post!
I found out when I went in my son's room to get him up for school and there was a girl in his bed.
Not cool!

Citymom said...

Super cool you got the dude fresh condoms. It's good he thought of protection. Believe they DON'T all listen.
My idiot niece is having unprotected sex at 14, yes you heard me right! The Aunties have begged, bought and pleaded but this child and the fool she is banging continue this unhealthy habit.

You can still talk about sex, even if he covers his ears...just follow him around. Emphasize that quality condoms are a must.
Hang in there!