Thursday, October 21, 2010

Mate Poaching... do you do it? Do you know someone who does?

Shelle Edit:  I met CityMom over at The Urban Cowboy's site.  I wrote a Monday Maverick for him and then She did!  I love her enthusiasm and the way she is so day to day real on her blog.  She is newer to blogging than most, but by reading her blog and the way she comments, you wouldn't ever know.  We welcome her as a Guest Contributor and check out her blog after she writes about why women take each other's man!

Catty: "Is that him?" (eyes tall, dark and handsome male working his way through crowd)
Polly: "Yes! How do I look?" (keeps eye on male)
Catty: "I told you! You look great." (checking her own reflection, Catty ignores Polly and eyes Polly's fiance as he approaches)
John - the mate - reaches Polly,  swoops her up in his arms, kisses her and hugs her tight. Over Polly's shoulder John spies Catty who is giving him a sultry, come-do-me once-over...
Sound Familiar???
You Betcha.  Catty is the classic "poacher".  If a girlfriend has him, then she wants him too.  Now, I'm not talking about threesomes.  Personally I think that's more of a MFM success story but that's another post topic.

Is there a female out there reading this who has NOT had a  girlfriend try to poach her date, mate, husband?  Yes girls, a lot of us have done this...ugly as it may seem this behavior is quite common AND one of the "mating strategies" that has lead to the successful continuation of the human race.

And what about John, our gallant hero?  The devoted mate is so focused on Polly that he wouldn't even notice another female putting herself on the table...right?

Wrong!  Research shows that male "short term mating" (fling, affair, quickie) dates back to the stone age when part of the males' job was to reproduce many times to ensure survival of the tribe.  Where a female could at best produce one child per year (not getting into multiple births here), a virile male could produce, in theory, a child for every willing female in the tribe.

While this mass reproduction is no longer necessary in our society, the behavior patterns for men and women survive and are still in practice.  In a recent survey, one of the reasons listed by women who engaged in short term mating was "getting something" in return. Jewelry, dinner, clothing.  This tendency is even more pronounced if the female is in a marriage with a male who does not provide adequately for her.  Law of the jungle.  The old man has no money so she's out shopping around for something better.  So much for better or for worse.
The guy, well he wants the quickie enjoyed by his ancestors.  Basically, men who cheat lower their standards of selection (since they have no longterm interest in the one nighter they don't care if she'll produce quality offspring).  In fact, the male of our species prefers to meet the female and bed her as quickly as possible.  He then experiences a marked drop in his attraction to her, and bolts for the door.  According to cultural anthropology this can be traced back to the early need to copulate for reproduction's sake also.

Whatever.  I think that some people always want what they are not supposed to have. Or maybe they think of the other person's relationship as a test.  Hmm, she's happy with him. He must be a good guy.  Think I'll snag him.

Although research shows that men and women poach a lot.  In fact - this shocked me - men actually poach more!  I've always thought of this as a female specialty.
The men I know have always stated that it's an unspoken rule of "Men's World" - you just don't do that to a buddy.  Ok, so maybe the poacher doesn't know the guy.  That would make it ok in "Men's World"?  Who knows?

My most memorable experience with a female poacher was one of my college roommates.  Let's call her "Susie".  Susie liked sex.  Plain and simple.  Now mind you she was selective.  She looked around, found what she wanted and went after him.

Her tastes were diverse.  She usually saw 3 or 4 men at the same time (not all at once, but concurrently).

The first time I realized this about her was when her mother told me she enjoyed meeting the guy I had been dating.  Funny thing is...I never introduced them.  Seems the minute I left town for a week Susie and Joe were rutting like rabbits.  When I returned there was ZERO, I mean no behavior change on either of their sides.  Furthermore neither one of them was particularly repentant when I did find out.

What makes these folks tick?  They couldn't stand each other as people.  They just wanted to shag. 
Then (yes, I roomed with her after that - long story), while she never poached me again over our four years as roommates I would sometimes have to sit in the living room visiting with the guy who arrived to pick her up so she could shuttle the afternoon squeeze out the back door!

There were at least 3 married men who she didn't want any part of except the sex.  Oh, and one math professor who must have been 50! Yuck - we were like 21.  He had a gray beard and a pot belly.  Why would she want him?

So my point is rather lost in this rambling but while I agree there may be some psychology of evolution behind "poaching", I think basically there are always folks who take what they want and don't give a damn if anyone gets hurt in the process.

And mind you, none of the men were blameless.  They all knew they were married or committed and they all knew what Susie wanted. 

So what do you think?  Is it ok for a man or woman in a committed relationship to grab some on the side?  Why or why not.  Do you and your partner have a share and share alike relationship?

Let's hear from you.

Thanks for reading.



Anonymous said...

OMG ..yes this happens and from a male perspective it is flattering and annoying at the same time. I have a friend with benefits. That's the gig, that's how we like it.

She has a friend who totally hopped on board in terms of friending me in Facebook, hanging out with us, etc. She is TOTALLY trying to poach me even though I have expressed no interest in her. I have told my FWB this and she says "Oh Yeah she has tried this with every guy I have practically ever been with". Which makes me wonder why they are friends? I digress, the thing is it has escalated to her being all over my FB, trying to convince her friend not to go home with me. Even getting mad at her for doing so, as if she even had a shot with me. Plus her friend knew from the very beginning we were hanging out.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

So this is all new to me... because I usually just hung out with a bunch of people alot... never the bar scene. But I guess this could apply to all avenue's of life and friends with your boyfriends and stuff like that.

I know of a few poachers that were my friends... but if the guy is stupid enough to go with that girl then he didn't deserve me!

I wonder if my friends ever thought I was the poacher? huh...

Anonymous said...

I am an unrepentantive cheater and I usually frequent escorts for my pleasure, I am aways on the look out for a good affair.

If I know you or now, your wife is fair game to me. If she is hot for me and I am for her...I will "shag".

Call it biology, call it sociopathic behavior, I just call it a good time.

If my wife was into it (she is not) I would be open with what I am doing. I do not seduce, I do not play games, I do not take advantage or a woman in a bad situation.

If you are open minded and your mate is not, and you want to get it on...then get it on with me!

As far as girls poaching...poach back....

Nolens Volens said...

Good post, CityMom. I've had women try to poach me. Always amuses me to no end because I will not cheat on my wife. Most of the time, the poacher isn't aware of that.

Whenever someone tries to poach me, I tell my wife about it right away so she's clued in on that woman. The end result is usually drastically reduced interaction time.

Citymom said...

Kenny, I know I've read either your posts or comments before. Actually I really enjoyed them now that I think about it. But I do have a question - do you have an open marriage?

NV - you do have a an open marriage but with strict stipulations (from your V vs. M post) if I recall. And I'm down with that...totally cool when both parties by in.

In fact, even if the marriage isn't open I know some women just don't like sex and it's ok for the hub to get it elsewhere.
I just don't like the hurt feelings part.

TisforTonya said...

I can only relate as far as the "poaching" goes and not the "rutting like rabbits"... because in college - sure, there were some guys my roomies had their eyes on that I probably "poached"... hey, what can I say - guys are suckers for the tiny girl they can "protect"... of course, those relationship never went anywhere (and they certainly never went "there")... probably a guilt thing.

and yes, I've been the poachee - and the one left behind as well... it's the dating scene.

...and I'm OH SO GLAD to have left it behind!

Anonymous said...

I'm sure this happens all the time. I know of a few women who specifically attempt to poach as many married guys as they can.

As for me, I'm with Shelle. If a guy is easily poached, he's not the guy for me.

Before I was married, if any of my true female friends were interested in someone, I steered clear, regardless of the signals I got from the guy. They did the same. I don't think it is a bad thing to practice restraint for the sake of friendship.

Personally, I think that the evolutionary biology and other such arguments are used as a rationale for people to do whatever they want.


citymom said...

Oh and Shelle, I like your "If the guy is stupid enough...he doesn't deserve me." - I put you in charge of he self esteem of all young females. From now on!

Update - The hubs says that a guy won't poach a friend's woman, but if they are not buds then it's open season.

Anonymous said...

Is my relationship open? Nope.
Am I am asshole for what I am doing? Yep.
Do I give a fuck? Not right now.

After 20 years of trying to please Hera and live an ultra religious sexless life, I just quit. In reality I expected to divorce Hera. I never thought she would react the way she has.

Now it's a real pickle I am in.

But, after almost killing myself one night, I wonder if it's better that I am a living cheater, then just a dead husband.

Or maybe I am just a hedonistic asshole...who the fuck really cares anyway.

UP said...

No one has ever tried to "poach" me. I guess I emit the stay away pheromones...seriously, I can't be that hideous!

Oh, and I'm not unhappy about that either.


CityMom2 said...

20 years of ultra religious, sexless life? Must be a Catholic (I was raised Catholic so I can say that but damn me if you must).

The church I occasionally haunt now won me over when the first sermon I heard was about how God wants us to enjoy sex. Now, the preacher does indicate the Lord wants us to stick with one person but...moving on.

Kenny, I'm sorry your marriage is unhappy. I know my kids would rather have an alive dad, warts & all.
But curiosity is killing, where do they think you are when you are not home? Truthfully. I'm not being judgmental - I'm honestly curious. I can't post one sentence on FB that my hub doesn't call about.

UP said...

@ you hon!
@ Kenny...don't they read/know about your blog?
@ Shelle...ur the best babe, what a great forum you have here!


Anonymous said...


1) It's your life live it the way you see fit

2) It's clear you don't give a fuck which leads me to number 3

3) I don't give a fuck is fine and dandy if you were the only party affected by your actions. If you think your children don't sense the misery in your marriage then I would argue every study in the world says you are wrong. Furthermore, they are twice as likely to repeat the same kind of deceit and misery in their own lives and marriages, but don't take my word for it.

4) Yes, clearly being alive is a better choice than dying. However I would argue what your doing is not living. You are merely existing. You have managed to create a whole new purgatory for yourself of deceit and shallowness where no one is moving forward, and no one is truly happy. A good example is your story about the "escort" whose boyfriend got sick of your incessant calls and threatened to call your wife. You can't tell me that is a fulfilling in any way.

Anonymous said...

In no way did I mean to hijack this wonderful post on poaching, great read, my opinion may be unpopular but...oh well, guess I'm just as perfect as y'all.

I can't always make pretty words from my face hole, so I'll use a quote from High Fidelity:

I am a fucking asshole. I did and said those things. But before you judge, although you've probably already done so, go off for a minute and write down the top five worst things that you have done to your partner, even if -- especially if -- your partner doesn't know about them. Don't dress things up or try to explain them. Just write them down in the plainest language possible...
Pencils down. Okay, so who's the asshole now?

Anonymous said...

OK Kenny this is my mea culpa. Look I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. Nor did I mean to hijack this thread. All I was trying to do was wrap my head around is why stay married if it is so miserable? That's all. Einstein said it best (and I paraphrase here) "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Good Luck to you Kenny

Raven said...

I've been single for 4 years so maybe I'm not the best one to be answering this question, but I think that if you are in a committed relationship it is not okay in any way to get some on the side. For one, in this day and age with all the diseases out there it's just plain dangerous, even if you use protection it's not 100%. Secondly, to cheat on your partner with whom you are in a committed relationship is the ultimate betrayal of trust.

And as far as men being 'genetically wired' to do this due to behavior in prehistoric times, I think that's a cop-out. A convenient excuse to avoid taking responsibility for their behavior.

Great guest post, CityMom!

nitebyrd said...

I know that his can be very serious and could have terrible consequences, that said, I wish someone would poach, fry, hardboil, scramble, shirr, baste my X. I'd even throw in some toast and homefries! ;)

CityMom2 said...

Hey there Raven!
Howdy UP!
Thanks for your kind words.
Thanks to all who offered their input. Males & females are a mystery aren't they? I hope everyone finds a place of happiness and well-being.
Peace Out!