Monday, October 4, 2010

We're BACK!!! And so we must talk about FaceBook

Ah... Facebook. A love-hate relationship for many.  I felt we needed a few days to talk about Facebook and I thought there wasn’t a better topic to start our site back up on.  So... before I begin with my introduction to this week’s Topic... I need to say...


That’s mainly for me... but also filters out to you guys who have us on Reader and have decided to stick around.  Me loves YOU! :)

Image taken from here.
Okay... Topic.  Now, we’ve never really had a TOPIC for a week, but I thought it was fitting.  We had many people interested in writing their take down about Facebook and relationships and how they are effected... so I decided to throw them all together in one week.  So... this may blow up in my face and every post may seem repetitive... or this might actually have a fun twist with all the different perspectives on it!  Now, not every post will be on Facebook because the contributors have the agency to change their minds on what they want to write about.

But either way... let’s go ready for some interesting takes and opinions this week... let’s get back into the swing of things around here!

So let’s just jump in... Feet first.

I’m first.  Your. Welcome. :)

My BIL’s favorite saying since Facebook came about, “Facebook is of the devil”.  At first, I admittedly scoffed when he said that, chalking it up to him not understanding Facebook... or the technology world in general.  But now?  Now I believe he may have some kind of freaky intuition.

Image taken from here
You see.  The last two friends who have gotten divorced that I know of... BOTH because of Facebook infidelity.  I’m not even fibbing.  That doesn’t count the ones before that.  But the last two which have been in the last two months... Facebook has been a contributor.  People spending hours and hours on Facebook with games and updates statuses... neglecting family and responsibilities, an Internet addiction of another kind.

Image taken from here
Now... to oppose that.  I have also found out about people connecting with family that they haven’t seen or known in years.  Happy happy reunions.  Single friends meeting old friends and connecting and starting fantastic relationships.  Also Facebook has brought about some great things, such as, helping spread the word about different causes or helping one promote and help their business succeed. Things that are REALLY good. In fact, because of Facebook I found out about friends from High School who have this incredible story about their children who have this really rare genetic disease and someone put together this benefit concert to help raise money for them.  Something I wouldn’t necessarily have known about had I not been “invited” to the event via Facebook.  My family that lives out East... I’d never know what they were doing if it weren’t for Facebook.

So.  Love and Hate.

The one thing I wanted you guys to maybe think about to start things off... does Facebook--or social media like it... prove that love maybe doesn’t die for people?  A lot of what is happening is people are re-connecting with old friends and loves on Facebook.  From that reconnection old feelings arise and then one things leads to another... so to speak.

So can one really just forget about somebody and love dies???  Or does it just simmer...ready to resurface at anytime if triggered by memory, voice, or... Facebook reconnection? I know those relationships where strong feelings were present, the easiest way for me to “get over” those people were to separate myself from them, and then life moved on.  If I were to reconnect with them on Facebook, which I haven’t, would I just be opening a can of trouble emotionally for me?  I actually think... yes. I don’t think feelings for someone really die--I think they just get pushed down or back.  But that is just my opinion...

I just wonder what you guys think.  Are you black and white on this topic... you either Love or Hate it... or are you more gray?

Let’s Discuss... oh! and BTW... it's good to be back :)


wendy said...

Yay are back and that is great. I am first....yowza.

I "overall" am not a great lover of facebook, I use it a little, and really don't know HOW to use it like alot of you do.

The whole "invite to be friends" thing is weird. SERIOUSLY, some people like like 1000 friends. FRIENDS....or aqaintances????
You can. not. keep up with that many people.
I was invited to be a friend of someone I used to work with and NEVER had anything to do with at work, so why would they want me to be a friend on facebook.

I like meaningful things, I'd prefer a phone call.
Facebook sometimes are like mini phone calls I guess.

and the whole infidelity thing needs to be thought out very carefully. Me and my now husband (as some of you know) were reconnected with facebook.
It is something I personally am thankful for. was also very uprooting and difficult in other ways.

I don't text, I don't twitter, I rarely facebook....prefer my blog.

I am rambling. Sometimes own little opinion from an old lady.....THINK OUR WORLD IS GETTING WAY TO CONSUMED WITH TOO MUCH MEDIA COMMUNICATIONS.

that's all

Gucci Mama said...

First, thanks so much for the link at the top! The response to the call for help for Renee and her family has been overwhelming so far!

As for facebook, I pretty much just use it to promote my blog, but I have heard of that very same situation you speak of...old flames reconnecting and marriages ending. But I also think that if those things were going to happen, they'd likely happen independently of social media. I don't think it's possible for that to be the only problem. Probably just the catalyst.

PorkStar said...

As you are aware by now, I also found something about a certain someone on Facebook. While it's been great at finding long lost friends and acquaintances, it is also very tempting for people to try and actually cross the line, since it is a very personal medium where people can hide.

PorkStar said...

Facebook driving divorce rates up here:

binks said...

I do agree that FB takes up WAY too much of my time and I can making an effort to limit my FB time. But, I have re-connected with the kids from my childhood and relatives that I rarely see.
It was great to be able to see pictures of my newborn great nephew on line just a few hours after he was born.
Social media has introduced me to people from around the world that I would otherwise be ignorant of.

I find it hard to believe that your friends that divorced over Facebook infidelity were not already at a crossroads in their marriage and looking for an excuse to get out.
I think it is funny how people will do everything and anything to deny personal responsibility.
If you are "cheating" (sexually or emotionally), it was a concious decision.

Does FB make it easier to look up old friends, boyfriends, crushes, etc.? Of course, but just because you dredge up some old feelings, does not a relationship make.
I would never ditch my marriage because I reconnected with some long ago ideal of love. Who knows who that person really is and what they are about. You know the saying, "The grass looks greener on the other side of the fence..."
and it is usually true.

As for your question about Love? How can you forget about someone you truly cared for? A first kiss, a first love, a high school boyfriend? You should carry those memories with you always and a natural curiosity of whatever happened with ____ is just human nature. How can my 40+ self rely on the feelings of my 20+ self? I would never give up the life I have now to relive that unstable, impetuous time.

val of the south said...

I found it gave me closure to some of those old flames that ended weirdly!

Total double standard though, I'm friends with the old flames on FB, but I'm not sure how I'd feel about my husband doing that...he had a FB account for about a minute and closed it - thought it was stupid.

Not fair, I know...but where does it say I have to be fair :)

Lara Neves said...

Call me anti-social, but I totally don't really get the addictiveness of FB. I go on for about 10 minutes a day, tops, and read status updates, maybe make my own status update and comment on a few things (birthdays or interesting statuses, usually). Sometimes it's easier to get a hold of someone via FB, which is actually the only reason I ever started an account, since I teach a lot of teens and they seem to not be able to use a phone. Anyway, I guess I don't get it. Blogging is different for me, because I feel like I'm (usually) getting information that uplifts me and makes me better. FB is just a waste of my time, mostly.

The Songer said...

Copied from blokthoughts....

I <3 FB! I joined 6 years ago when it was first started, and back then it didnt have all the fun games and glam it does now, but I think it does exactly what it was set up to be... A Social Network (originally for college students to keep track of all their colleagues and use them to their advantage)!

And like any addiction if people cannot control their themselves.. they always blame the substance.... I think people need to get a life, take responsibility for them selves, and if those spouses used FB as an excuse for getting divorced, they deserve it!

Really.. getting divorced over FB.... Crazy talk! (Wait? did they have affairs? or just FB addicts?)

PS. i'm not a fb addict and dont know what its like to be one.. so if im being insensitive to fb addicts alike....... Build a bridge and get over yourselves!

btw.. i found my childhood best friend on FB after more than 20 years of no communication, it was awesome, and......
I also ignored one of my BIL's as my friend on FB and now my MIL continually questions me about what i dont like about him.. So i just told her straight.. "Everything!" and it has made my life so much better!

DCHY said...

I came over to Facebook from MySpace because I was told that it was more intuitive and had more games. I fell into the black hole with the games. Started with just one...ended up quitting after managing 10 games. I barely check FB now.

And my wife? She uses FB for status updates ALL. THE. TIME. She has something like 1400+ unread e-mail, all from people commenting on her status messages. She would check FB while we talk or watch TV/movies.

I've tried to move her to Twitter but she won't budge from FB. Sighs.

TisforTonya said...

I have been known to spend too much time on facebook. an addict? hmmm... I don't THINK so... but isn't denial one of the signs of addiction???

as for re-igniting old flames? I have to laugh... because #1 - I love my Man and even if old flames walked into my room begging for me back I can't imagine a scenario where I'd do anything but kick them to the curb... perhaps with a restraining order. and #2 - turns out a small portion of them are now gay or bisexual...

I said a SMALL portion... I didn't wreck EVERY guy I ever dated :)

Purple Cow said...

If someone is married and spending too much time on FB they are evidently not happy in the marriage in the first place and find this a nice release. FB is just a tool a vehicle that can be used for many things, including cheating. If we really feel the need to "fall" in love again we don't need FB! Many people also fall in love at work and other places but we cannot blame work and other places for that!

A strong relationship can survive FB.

As for old I must say, yes, they do crawl out of the woodwork. Scary...Personally, I never thought I had so many!

binks said...

@PurpleCow Not everyone addicted to FB is in an unhappy marriage, my husband and I are on different schedules and he falls asleep at 9 pm. Whats a girl to do for the next 4-5 hours? ;)

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Wendy--some of us do know about what went down with your now husband and facebook... And we all know you are very happy. So I can't wait to see what you say when it's your turn to write on it this week!

For me also, I've never gotten into the games of Facebook. I use it somewhat like twitter with updates and pictures...totally boring.

GM-you are Welcome! I hope people reach out to help!

See as I agree that maybe those people would have cheated anyway... I doubt they would have hooked up with old loves without Facebook. I know the two I was talking about they had no intention of cheating, life was good for them. They connected with old boyfriend or girlfriend on FB and it grew into more and now...

Porkstar- I do know. And it can actually be rough when you find out through FB what you would rather not know!!! And it does and can make it easy to hide for some. Great link!!!

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Binks- "I think it is funny how people will do everything and anything to deny personal responsibility.
If you are "cheating" (sexually or emotionally), it was a concious decision." I agree. At that point in time where they cross the line, it's a conscious decision. And it's much easier to justify and blame... It eases the guilt.

I totally agree like I said that you don't really lose feelings for a certain person. They get pushed back for self preservation, but never really die because we are sensory sort of people.

Val-i guess it's been the same for me. I realize that my life took the right path! I'm okay with my hubs on fb... But I don't know why that is? Maybe because from the beginning of our marriage and relationship he has maintained a friendship with his really serious old GF.

Lara- I don't get the games addiction actually. But maybe because I don't want to suck myself into yet another thing I can't pry myself away from, like blogging and twitter! :)

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

DCHY- 10 separate games!!! Nuts! Yea, get your wife on twitter, she'll love it if she follows the right people!

T-lol, yes denial IS one of the red flags! Hehe. Hahahahahahaha@gay and bi-sexual. See, ignorance in those cases are bliss... Just sayin.

IWA-see I believe FB can also be used for really great things. People just muff it up and use it for other purposes. Lol@ being insensitive to FB addicts...

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Purple Cow-i agree that it is a release. But not always because they aren't happy in their marriage, maybe they just choose that over TV or something? And yes they also do fall in love at work or other places, FB just makes it or can make it easier.

And Welcome Purple Cow!!!

Binks... Exactly! What's a girl to do!? :)

Papa K said...

First of all... I thought I had thought of Facebook. Dammit.

Secondly... like Gucci Mama, I mainly use FB to try and promote myself although it is also a more glorified method of email and, for some reason, I find it easier to use it to keep up with my friends and family.

I haven't had an issue with FB as far as getting in trouble with my wife... but I did have one on MySpace back when it used to be the most popular. I accepted a friend request from an old girlfriend whom I hadn't talked to in almost ten years of whom i had NO INTEREST in getting back with. My wife flipped when I told her (but hey... I told her right?). I promptly removed her from my friends but the damage had already been done.

Looking back it was stupid... I wouldn't have wanted her to accept one of her old boyfriends.

Anyway... Now I too am blathering...

Jessica said...

My husband probably thinks I spend too much time on facebook, but I have never heard him complain once because I don't complain about his video gaming. To each their own as far as a relaxing outlet???

DGB said...

I don't think that Facebook causes just may make it easier to discover it. If you end up cheating as a result of a Facebook connection, chances are you were going to cheat somewhere down the line anyway.

Cynthia said...

I think facebook enables people to test the waters in ways they couldn't before. If a prospective 'cheater' goes to a bar or to a site specifically to meet someone, they have to admit to themselves they are looking to cheat.

Facebook gets around that by letting both the cheater and the prospective target THINK they are not looking to form a relationship until it magically 'happens'. They can be in denial for a really long time if they want.

The Hubs and I each have a person the other would never be able to add. We have each other's passwords etc. Out of respect for him and our relationship, anyone we've dated is a 'no add'. It's not because I don't trust HIM or he ME, I just don't trust everybody else!

UP said...

You have no idea how glad I am you're back!

Don't do that to me again!!!



nitebyrd said...

I'm not a big fan of Facebook. It's okay to keep in touch with friends far away or to reconnect with people but to be on it for hours playing with all those stupid games and apps - no way!

Also, if people are going to cheat, it means there's something wrong in the relationship to begin with, Facebook, AFF, the internet on the whole is just a means to an end. Their going to cheat regardless of what prompts them.

I guess I'm basically blase about Facebook - I can take it or leave it.