Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Advice for the men

Shelle Edit: Okay well Ken is not a new blogger here to this blog, but this is his FIRST time posting here and he has decided to grace us with his wisdom. Have fun and check his blog out when you get a chance!

OK Guys…listen up . I am speaking to you guy-to-guy here. Look I am a single guy who has been on the prowl for a while. I have been taking my time, watching, listening, paying attention. I have even been schooled by the fairer sex on things I wouldn't even have known to look for before. I have been talking to your wives, your girlfriends, your sisters, hopefully none of your daughters, and for some of you even your moms.

Look I am not trying to brag, but I do have a gift. I have developed a keen sense of listening. No..NOT hearing..that is involuntary! I am talking about the art of true listening. To be honest sometimes women treat me like I am their gay friend and I really don't mind. Total strangers will pour their secrets out to me, and I am not even sure why. All though I suspect part of it is I can quickly make someone very comfortable about talking to me. The thing is I have been listening and learning. I want to share what I have learned to help some of you guys out here, because almost unanimously women tell me most guys are clueless.

Now lest you think I am some sort of "Ladies Man" ( I hate that term) or Don Juan ( hate that term even more) I am not. In fact, that's why a lot of women are so comfortable with me. I really don't come across as having an agenda. I am not looking to see how many of these women's panties I can get inside. It's totally not my style. Although if I really wanted it to be my goal to get horizontal with as many of them I could…easily…why? Well that is what I am about to tell you. Understanding these things has lined me up with more potential action than I could ever handle. I have never really needed a dating site or a personal ad because I understand these things. Women contact me out of the blue all the time. All…. the….. time. I am not bragging it's just a fact.

So whether you want to step up your game, or just make your current relationship better here are few things you may or may not already know. Live 'em , learn 'em…LOVE THEM.

1) She wants you to listen to her….not just hear her, or even worse endure her. Do you know the difference? If the answer is no then keep in mind women DO know the difference, and it is very important to them. In fact for many women having a guy actually listen to them and be genuinely interested is like foreplay. They will tell you it is a total turn-on.

2) You are NOT all that and a bag of chips. I don't care if you have won the Superbowl or are the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. Yes, women love confidence, and its true power can be intoxicating, but in reality I think most women will tell you self-indulgent smarminess is a total turn-off. It's the core of who you are that is important not the picture you paint of all that you THINK you are. While we are at what the hell is up with fat guys who say rude things about their wives/girlfriend's weight? That shit just pisses me off. I am always looking at these guys and thinking WTF are you serious?? Have you looked in a mirror? You guys are the exception…YOU ARE all that and a bag of chips. In fact, you are every bag of chips you have ever eaten!

3) A nice set of six pack abs and some decent biceps doesn't hurt, but in case you don't have them ( most of us don't) then you need to work with what you've got. It amazes me with the current imagery of what the perfect male is these days that men don't have just as many eating disorders as women. Still if you don't have the most perfect body you can work with what you have. I am not saying you can avoid exercising you lazy couch potato bastard! No.. I am not saying that at all in fact get your lazy ass up right now and give me 25 for thinking it (said in my best R. Lee Ermey voice)!!

What I am saying here is women want a guy that thinks enough of himself to take care of himself regardless of what he has going for him physically. I am not even saying the latest fashions are necessary because jeans and a t-shirt will do just fine depending how you carry yourself. Try not to slouch, sit like like a slob, pick, and/or scratch all the time. Ok..get it??? If this doesn't make sense go see your mom about personal grooming.

4) Being able to show emotion is a sign of strength not weakness. If I had a dime for every woman who has told me she is with an emotionless soulless pit. I'd have a dime..ok just kidding…I'd have at least like $1.60. A lot of women tell me that their man is capable of only two emotions basically anger and elation (usually associated with a Sports victory of some kind) who suddenly expects to hop right to the sack at the drop of a dime. Guys ..really…some women would rather have sex with a dry vagina. I am generalizing, but if I am being honest most women need some kind of emotion/attention/shutthef*ckupandlistenforaminute first before givin' you a trip to pleasure town.

Whether it is love , laughter, or sincere appreciation of beauty that shit is like important to their stimulation (that tingling feeling between their thighs). Now you have to be careful here not to over do it. Women who like men (notice the qualifier here) dig the masculine for a reason. They want a guy who is strong and confident, and and takes the lead now and then. If you are too emotional …like totally limp wristed emotional.. you know like crying all the time…well it becomes drama and is totally draining. Women don't do draining very well. In fact, men don't either. Don't be this guy

5) All women have a bad girl side. Do you hear me? They all have it…They ALL want something down and dirty sometimes. The question is not whether it is there, but how to get it out of them. Number one rule. They have to feel comfortable with you. You make them feel awkward about their body, their emotions, their closeness to you and all bets are off. Part of that feeling close to you is knowing you respect them, and yes it does have emotional quotient to it. Look..I get it... having fun, casual sex isn't bad. I know some here will tell you all the quasi religious and moral reasons its bad. I am not here to argue that subject (yet), because I do believe, and know that on some level the sex you have with someone you are totally in love with and feel comfortable with is off the friggin' wall compared to any casual encounter. You think that wife of yours that you have been married to all these years can't possibly have a dirty freak side. I am telling you that you are wrong. You just got to know how to bring it out of her. Oh and for the record just sitting her down in front of the computer with porn and saying "here watch this" doesn't work.

Coming home from work, acknowledging her day, helping with the kids, talking to her sweetly..well that does work. Now you find the real dirty side of someone you are in love in with, and all I can say is two things. Plan on being up all night…and plan on having a pitcher of water in the room somewhere you are going to want to stay hydrated!

6) Validated - I know its a psychobabble word in and of itself, but the concept is a real one. It has to do with those good old emotions again (are you seeing a pattern yet?). Now it is a stereotype to say that all women are over emotional pools of neediness.Look… guys.. it is tremendously short sighted for you to not recognize that women do internalize and handle emotions different than men. There is certainly a genetic component to this, and it may be very well born out of the role that most women have to be nurturers. NOW PAY ATTENTION:These emotions are very real and they need to be addressed. If you blow them off, ignore them, or indicate in any way you find them stupid or trivial, well you are just asking to get junk punched. Not to mention you will spend the rest of the evening asking "What's Wrong?" which is like the sex "kiss of death". If you had paid attention in the first place numb nuts..YOU would KNOW what is wrong and you would probably be fixing it right now with more sex.

7) I thought about leaving this out, but I think many women might not forgive me if I do. Learn how to give gifts. You stupid idiot...giving an ironing board as a gift is going to get you throat stabbed!! Here is a training video on what NOT to do

Seriously, a lot of women complain that that guys stop remembering birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine's day etc. It's not even that you didn't give them big luxury gifts or wonderful vacations (although its always nice). The thing that irks women to no end is you stopped being thoughtful. The small heartfelt gifts are the ones that they remember the most. It's not that you spent a fortune it's that you took the time to really think about who they are, and what they would appreciate that counts. Remember you get bonus points for just doing something out of the blue without an occasion or obligation being tied to it.

8) Last but certainly not least. If they took time to get all dolled up for you..tell them how stunning and sexy they look. If they did something nice for you let them know how much you appreciate them. If they smell nice let them know, and give them a kiss on the neck. If you think about them often..let them know. I know women have eyes in their back of their head ( at least my Mom did). That being said they are not mind readers..lie detectors yes…mind readers no. They need to hear it..not just that you thought it waaaaay after the fact…

Finally, If you love them..tell them…tell them every single day.

OK that's it for now. That's all I got. if you got more feel free to add them. If you think I am wrong feel free to let me know. I know for some this will seem like a How-to manual to get past women's emotions and get laid, but that is not it it all. It is more complicated than that, but really most guys DO want to know how to get past a women's emotions and get laid. There is nothing wrong with that. It's in our nature. The problem in attempting this is if a guy is insincere about what he is saying, or his agenda is all lit up like a fucking Christmas tree.He and by he I mean you are going to fail, and fail miserably! What I am doing here is trying to help guys understand what they might not be aware of. Oh..by the way... If you are woman reading this you have to know that kind of understanding is apparently rare. Rare like a f*cking unicorn or the McRib.

Gotta say for the record though…based on my research. I thinkwhat I have to say is pretty spot on.



Gucci Mama said...

Wait. There are really men who know this? Like, not in drugstore novels or shitty Julia Roberts movies, but real, actual men? Well, Goddamn.

DCHY said...

Gucci, you overlooked me? Thanks for not validating me. ;)

Ken, that was a well-written post. Too bad I didn't do it. LOL Loved the post. I'm a listener too.

Gucci Mama said...

DCHY, you know I never overlook you. You are, of course, the exception to my cynical, jaded view of men and really the world at large. That should just be understood.

TisforTonya said...

awesome... and being the "good girl" who has slept with the same man for the past 17 years I'm just going to say "you got that right" on #5... and leave it at that :)

binks said...

*stands in corner clapping in amazement*
I thought I had the only one.

Only 1 comment really, #8, the inverse of this statment being: If your woman is not all dolled up, or just finished cleaning the entire house, or just run her 10 mile exercise program,(or really ANY TIME); telling her she smells gross, looks horrible, or asking when she is planning to change those sweat pants for something more presentable, is grounds for death by teaspoon or maybe the aforementioned throat stabbing.
Remember what your momma taught you about if you can't say something nice.....
keep your fricking trap shut.
Just saying......

Nolens Volens said...

*Waves hand at GM* Over here...me too! LOL

Ken, what I find interesting is that not very many male bloggers have commented. In fact (as far as I can tell), only one did and that's DCHY.

What's up with that, guys? Too shy? ;) Lemme throw in my two (coins clinking) cents...

Communication IS the basis for our honest and nurturing relationship. I just had an interesting convo with a woman and she confessed that she would very much like to "play" with me only...maybe play with my wife later on.

Trust me, I will be listening to my wife when she and I talk about this woman tonight. ;)

Adan said...

I am standing up right now and clapping. You got a standing ovation my friend. well done.

Especially like number 1. Listen. Don't hear. Don't endure. Listen. The blog could have ended there and it would have been perfectly acceptable.

UP said...

I'm a good listener, I'm also a good pretending to listener.

But hearing what you're listening to is important too.

Good advice all around.


UP said...

I'm a good listener, I'm also a good pretending to listener.

But hearing what you're listening to is important too.

Good advice all around.


Gucci Mama said...

Oh, NV, you silly billy.

I'm still just blown away that this was written by a real live man and not some sort of weird science robot creature created in a basement by a girl just as jaded, but much more nerdy than I.

Anonymous said...

Well Done Kenny!

I often think it must be difficult to be a Man trying to navigate the dangerous waters of "Understanding Women" a "How to" would be very beneficial. We really do want Men to be that mythical creature of both ultra masculine Knight in shinning armor (We really do like that you are Men) and the understanding in touch with their emotions empathetic caring thoughtful romantic. It's not an easy balancing act that's for sure! However done well and with a certain amount of authenticity will more than likely result in more sex than they ever dreamed of and dare I say it ..... A healthy mutually satisfying relationship!

I am very much looking forward to the other half of this blog .... The one telling Women what men are really about ..... It should be titled "Dont over think it Ladies, they are not that complicated!"


nitebyrd said...

Ken, you are balls-out BRILLIANT! Yes, you're a unicorn among jackasses. This post should be printed out and given to every male child at birth.

Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Good advice all of it...the video was a crack up.

I will say that while I agree with everything that you are saying...and I think that this is what women THINK they want...I also believe that MOST women are attracted to the assholes.

I posted earlier about the show The Pick-Up Artist. The douche Mystery...his whole Shtick was to hook these women, then push them away...act disinterested. Then they would come running like drug addicts, wanting him.

I see this over and over with friends, coworkers and other bloggers. Women who have the nice guy friend but end up chasing the asshole, disinterested, bad boy who treats them like shit.

I just think that there is a difference between what women THINK they want and what they will ACTUALLY be attracted to.