What For Lunch Dear?

Shelle Edit: Snooty Primadona has decided to write for the Venus side and let us learn from her 34 years of marriage! I am so excited! She writes on her OWN BLOG HERE about her husband (who sleep walks), family, and just general thoughts...so go check her out after you read her here how her and her husband found a way to keep the intimacy alive while raising their kids.

Image taken from HERE

Mr. Snoots and I have been married nearly 34 years and were married for 6 years before hearing the pitter-patter of little feet. So, as you can imagine, we had a very active marital sex life. When we were finally blessed with children, I’m pretty sure someone forgot to send us the memo about how your sex life would diminish, becoming almost non-existent until just before they thankfully enter Kindergarten.
Our son was born first (weighing in just under 10 lbs.), and he was sleeping through the night within a couple of weeks after birth. Since I’d had a c-section, it was a while before we could return to normal. Yes, we were actually convinced that we’d return to normal at that point. The first time Mr. Snoots changed our son’s diaper, he was sprayed with baby boy peepee while cleaning up a poo. Needless to say, he didn’t want to procreate for a while after that.

Once our daughter was born, the grandiose delusions of returning to normalcy were completely squashed. We suddenly realized we were never again going to have a shower together (or alone), have our morning constitutions alone, have sexual relations alone, or anything else for that matter. We had given birth to our *wonder children*! Life would never again be the same, as we struggled to afford them all of the same activities as their school friends. It was a constant parade of carpools, festivals, sporting events, amusement park trips, skiing every winter, and summers at the lake.

I remember praying (I know, don’t judge) for them to hurry and reach the age of mandatory school attendance, so we could at least see each other for a few minutes a day without the loud hustle and bustle of having children in the house or shuffling them from one activity or another. It was a 7 year wait. We were both becoming somewhat impatient. We had to go out of town to be alone together. That, or wait until the blissful 2 weeks they were at summer camp, which was really only 10 days because you had to count the day they leave, their end-of-camp activities & awards for a weekend.

Once our son was in 2nd grade & our daughter was in 1st grade, we devised an *EVILPLAN* to meet at home during the lunch hour, for what we referred to as *nooners*. Of course, since the kids were in private school I had to do a mandatory 2 lunches delivered to both kids, every week, which narrowed the time frame. But, the *nooners* were the magic glue that kept our marriage together all those years we were absorbed in child rearing. I mean, you can’t exactly have relations when your children are in the bed across from you on club soccer or basketball trips, or when they come into your room asking why Daddy is hurting Mommy, which is the stuff therapy is made of. If you dared to lock the door at night they would stand outside wanting to know why, which would spoil the mood anyway, or you could hear them vomiting all over your bedroom door as they called your name (Mommy!), to your horror. It was tough going during those years (though we giggled about some of it in secret).

Just as things are going along smoothly for a few years, they suddenly turn 16, get their license to drive, you foolishly buy them a car, and they start coming home for lunch. Every. Day. If you try making whoopee on Friday or Saturday nights when they are gone & there are no games to attend, it seems they always need to run back by the house or call for something they need. You’re looking at another 7 years until this ends. All you can do is look at one another in pain. When they finally leave for college, you make sure they go at least 500 miles away because you love them and want them to be worldly….

What has worked for you guys?  Do you agree with Snooty Primadona? Let her know in comments.


Snooty Primadona

Dear You: Lost Cabin Pressure

Leave your comments of help or advice or your own frustration.  Comment on others comments... let's have a discussion... Thank you so much Lost Cabin Pressure for sending this letter in I'm sure there are so many out there that will relate!

Dear You,


I am frustrated. Many times a week, several times a month, and numerous times a year I hear, “Why do I have to read your blog to know what you are thinking? Why do I have to read your blog to know what is bothering you?” It is then followed by, “I really wish you would just talk to me.”


Some of the bigger things you were upset I didn’t come to you about were a conversation you heard when I was talking to my mother about being upset about a non-fiction book I had just read; I was jealous and upset over the relationship the author had with his father, and I was longing to have a better relationship with my father. I was sad for days. You were upset because you didn’t know what was going on. You were even more upset when you read my blog and learned how bullied I was in school when we were in middle school. You had no idea, and didn’t know the passion I had to stop and prevent bullying until you saw the video I made. Why hadn’t I said anything?


I understand your frustration.


You know I had my heart ripped out when I realized that everything I thought about my first marriage turned out to be a lie, a misunderstanding, or just sheer stupidity. I built walls that have started to crumble and still stand, like the Berlin wall in the early 80’s. It’s hard to see what is in my heart through a protective barrier. These walls have started to come down over time. My walls seem to have been taken down when we got married. I was an open book. You could ask my anything and I would give you the answer.


It has been recently I have started to put some walls back up, out of fear. Thing change when you have a child. I know this. My first marriage centered around the birth of our oldest child. I knew the stress that is involved with having a child, and I knew that the stress of a child is overwhelming. The desire to make sure there is enough money in the back, food in the cupboards, and a roof over their heads. This puts a damper on the purse strings. With you not working it has been tough. It has been tough on our growing family, it has been tough on our resolve, and it has been tough on our families.


So why are these walls being built again?


There was an analogy I read in an article not long ago. If you have ever been on an airline you surely have watched and listened to the pre-flight safety briefing. You have heard the announcer say, in the event of a loss of cabin pressure, an oxygen mask will come down. You are instructed to put a mask on yourself before you put a mask on your children; because in order to take of your children, you have to take care of you.


I feel like we are losing cabin pressure. The oxygen masks have come down and you are pouring all your energy into taking care of the kids and not taking care of yourself. What do I mean? The glue that holds relationships together is sex. Not the actual act of sex, but intimacy, a night out without anyone but us, and the spontaneous things we did before we had a child in the house full-time. So when it comes to talking about sex, and things that are bothering me, I find it hard to talk.


Why? Because you have said at every opportunity that sex is something you feel should never be talked about. You said you parents never talked about it, so why should you? We never really talked about sex before because we had sex nearly 75% more than we are having now. I have stated that in a healthy sexual relationship, sex plays about 10% in the overall happiness of the relationship, but in a relationship that is lacking in sex, it 70% in the overall happiness of the relationship. I want to talk to you about it.


I want to talk about it, but I feel that if you don’t want to talk about the things I want to talk about, then what is the point? Every time I open my mouth about sex, you get defensive and you feel bad about NOT wanting to have sex. I get that. You are putting a lot of time and energy into the kids. I know they appreciate it, but ignoring sex and the thought of talking about it is like goo gone to the glue that holds us together.


So every time you tell me, “Why don’t you talk to me about things,” it is like Reagan saying, “Tear down this wall” but like anything, you also have to tow the line. You have to put down your walls and talk about things you find uncomfortable to talk about.


Love,


Lost Cabin Pressure


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HSSS: Open Marriages

Two of our contributors are asked to take opposing stances on an issue and present a case for their viewpoint. Comment and tell us who you agree with or what you believe or think! The topics are suppose to elicit a response and start a conversation in comments. Enjoy!


Topic:  Open Marriage

She Said (Gucci Mama):
I'm a pretty smart girl. I mean, let's just face it; I'm brilliant. But, and this may surprise some of you, there are some things I just don't understand. One of those things is this concept of "open marriage". It seems there are many couples who just, ah, have sex with other people! Sometimes while everyone is right there in the room. Is it naive that this shocks me? I just have no frame of reference for this kind of thing. I can't imagine.

Maybe it's that I've been devastated in the past by infidelity. Maybe it's because it's my hopelessly romantic (in clear spite of my real world experience) belief that sex between a man and his wife is about more than physical pleasure. It's about connection and intimacy and expressing love that is saved for just one person. I don't understand, if one is in a relationship that is connected and intimate and full of love - as most people open marriages say they are - then why look elsewhere?

I have other questions. Some are just logistical, like, how does one go about finding other couples who want to participate? It seems the potential for rejection and humiliation and maybe even being ostracized is pretty significant. I wonder if anyone ever gets jealous, seeing or knowing about their spouse with another person. And then, what about the kids, if there are any? Do they know about the lifestyle and if so, what does that teach them about the value of commitment and love and the sanctity of marriage?

I just don't get it. Splain it, NV, baby.

He Said (Nolens Volens):
Not trying to be a smart-ass here, but I wanted to get the definition of what the phrase "open marriage" means so I can 'splain better.

As seen on Miriam Webster online, the definition is "a marriage in which the partners agree to let each other have sexual partners outside the marriage" and MW lists the first appearance of that phrase in print as early as 1971.  That's clearly different than being a swinger - definition of "swinger" on MW is "one who engages freely in sex".  That word has been around since 1543.

How is that different?  The concept of open marriage is that the partners have to get approval first before having sex with someone.  Swingers tend to go together and they tend to do whatever they feel comfortable doing. I'm also saying that it's not always the case with every swinger or with open marriages.

I must confess that I am not a typical swinger or participant of an open marriage.  I would say that ours is more of a part-time open marriage.  We do not play with others without expressed permission by either one of us.  We may have people who would love to play with either me, my wife, or both of us, but we do not cross the line.

For my wife and me, this is a marriage enhancer. We've been together almost 12 years, 10 married, and we're much more physically in-tune with each other now and emotionally bonded than we were before. Would we have become so bonded without opening our marriage? Perhaps. We'll never know.

There are no feelings of jealousy or rejection because this is a mutual arrangement. We enjoy sex SO much (and my wife is bisexual) that we want to share it with others. We don't have sex with just anybody, either. She and I have developed a very long list of rules over the years for our partners and we follow them, to a T, no matter what.

As for my wife, she has told me that our intimacy is just as sacred now as it's ever been. The idea of saving yourself for just one person is still an idea we hold dear, we just chose to express it differently. My wife's not as passionate with others as she is with me, her emotions aren't the same, she's not as free with her body and her desires as she is when there are just us 2. It's the same for me. I can't ever look at or have sex with anyone else the same way as I do with my wife.

How's that as an explanation?   ;)

Okay... comment away!

I believe Sex can be used as a tool

Shelle Edited:  First of all... I still need more pictures of you guys and your awesome relationships!!!  If you don't know what I'm talking about click HERE.

Secondly, Chris is no stranger here... he wrote about his bout with depression right HERE.  But I still wanted to put in this edit, because he did a VLOG the other day, and well, he did some interpretive dance, and I think everyone should see it.  It's a 5 star must see.  Just make sure you don't have any liquids in your mouth before hand... Just sayin.

I was aimlessly perusing the blogosphere a few short weeks ago, trying to drum up something to write about. Since I’m not dedicated to any one particular subject, I scrolled through my list of blogs ranging on subjects from fatherhood to baseball to Kim Kardashian to movies to the highly addictive hobby of scab collecting. I came across this blog, the only one I visit regarding relationships, and was struck with excitement as Shelle was looking for contributing writers on a number of different subjects.

Since I look for as many legitimate opportunities I can to talk about sex and boobs (particularly my wife’s), I zeroed in on this subject.

By no means am I a “relationship expert” but I am a typical man full of testosterone and ready to drop everything (meaning my pants) at any moment, in any situation if it means I might be getting lucky.

So… without further adieu…

While I wish I was writing this about how, “I believe sex can be used as a tool to get what I want out of a relationship”, I’m going to be writing from the perspective of how it “can be used as a tool to get what she wants out of a relationship!”

I say this because I (and most men) cannot use sex to my advantage... that is, unless you’re Ryan Reynolds (lucky six-pack bastard). It just doesn’t work:

Me: Hey babe, can you pick me up a Red Bull on your way home from the grocery store?


My Wife: Well… I’m in a real big hurry and I don’t think I’m going to have time. I’m sorry.


Me: Okay… well… what if I let you touch my butt for a good five seconds?


My Wife: Uh… what?

Now let’s see what happens with the role reversed:

My Wife: Honey, I know we’re in the middle of a giant electrical thunderstorm but will you fix the lighting rod on top of the roof?


Me: Are you crazy? No! I could get electrocuted!


My Wife: If you go do it right now… I’ll have my naughty cop outfit on for you when you get in!


Me: Where’s my rain jacket?

Perhaps I’m wrong, but I’d be hard-pressed to think that most relationships have the “horny-male, not-as-horny-female” dynamic. From the time a guy turns thirteen, sex runs through his brain about every millisecond!

So… if you’re a woman, here’s an idea: exploit our weakness.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with using what you have to get what you want.

Now… I’m not promoting the idea of turning a relationship into a barter system 24/7 but I am saying if you want MORE of the little things done around the house (i.e. dishes, laundry, fixing the squeaky door) then they WILL get done by feeding a man’s sexual appetite.

I don’t know that I’m the only one that’s particularly privy to this information… all women are pretty familiar that a man’s brain pretty much revolves around sex all the time (and when I say “sex” I don’t just mean “the act of it”… but everything pertaining to it as well). But not many of you realize the shamelessness of using it to your advantage! Us men will shamelessly “cash that check” whenever given the opportunity!

So, if you can think of something creative… I think he’ll hang his clean laundry or take out the trash just a little bit faster than he did last week.

Papa K.

When you just CAN'T... and sex.

Okay – so it’s all about sex. Everything. If that makes you uncomfortable this just may not be the post for you… of course, given some OTHER discussions that have happened on this very blog I’d be downright SHOCKED if my sweet little post were the one to turn you off.

So… my husband and I enjoy a very healthy and active sex life. We’re not at it every night or anything, but a few times a week is average and that has worked for both of us. You know that song from Oklahoma – “I’m Just A Girl Who Can’t Say No”… yep, that’s me… usually.

Now, there are obviously times when this doesn’t work… and now that my childbearing years are a thing of the past I’m considering doing something about “that time” just because of its inconvenience in the bedroom. Hormones, Shmormones – that’s what I always say. (okay, not really… the hormones keep it HOT in the bedroom… we’ll keep them and cope with the inconveniences I guess)

Unfortunately – sometimes health issues creep up… I freaked out a tiny bit when my husband was experiencing some chest pain (which turned out to be nothing) and that made me a little wary in bed… until the Mr. informs me that his doctor actually recommended as much hot and steamy sex as possible. Now… knowing the Mr. like I do (in the biblical sense) and knowing that his cardiologist is a female… I highly doubt they had that discussion – but we went along with it.

When one of us has a nasty cold or the flu… well, there’s something decidedly unappealing about runny noses and rolling around in the sheets… sorry. Allergies? Well, that’s what they make Sudafed FOR people!

Exhaustion? Yeah, doesn’t usually happen around our house – with a pile of kids who stay up WAY late and another pile who wake up too early – we’re always too tired, we make it work for us.

Headaches? Did you know that sex is actually REALLY good for headaches? Works like a charm… and when it doesn’t work wonderfully well it was still worth a try !

And now to the heart of the matter – I recently had a little “dizzy spell” – it lasted 2 months. Seriously – you know that feeling you have when you get off the teacups ride – yeah, that. For TWO months. The doctors have all these fancy terms for it – but basically my ears are screwed up and I’m likely to experience this again throughout my life. Can I tell you how much fun it is to roll over in your sleep and wake up because you feel like you’re falling… 5 times a night? Sucks, but on a list of rotten diseases it’s pretty near the bottom – so I’m not crying over it or anything.

I knew a spell was coming – little balance checks and earaches are a sure sign… but I didn’t think much of it… the spells usually aren’t bad. The latest spell was brought on by a Zumba class – I’m under Doctor’s orders to never do Zumba again. Really.

But… well, let’s just say that after last night I totally know what it’s like to fool around while riding a roller coaster. May be a little fun once… but frankly – I’m not looking forward to it again anytime soon. Do you think the Doctor would make me avoid sex if I discussed this with him? Not happening J I’m pretty sure The Mr. doesn’t enjoy me digging my fingers into his tender flesh quite that strongly again. (you gotta hold on to something when it feels like you’re falling)

Unless of course it’s a REAL roller coaster… hmmmmm….

For the record: yep, it’s making me dizzy every time… I’ve decided I can learn to like it. 

Any ideas for her?  Has anybody else experienced the "dizzy spells"?


Anonymous

Are we talking sex still?

So as not to disappoint anyone I had to get in on the sex talk...again. Cuz, apparently I think about it a lot.

What do you do to prep for that special time? Shower? Put on cologne? Strip down? Suck on a .... Breath mint. (sick minds)

Well, lately Hubby has been in heaven. He knows the hormones are whacked and I'm up for anything every night. I know if he is up for me waking him up when I get home from work if I smell cologne on him when I climb into bed. Good signals going on here.

I have a sister who has a code word she and her hubby use to signal they are feeling frisky.

Some people put out the red light on their front porch saying they are open for business.

What do you do to let your significant other know the welcome mat is out?

Baby Making

If you read my blog, you would know the new adventure we have started on. We are in the midst of trial of a fertility drug, Clomid.

Now this drug really makes a mess of your...in the bedroom time. At the beginning when I first take the meds, it's HORRIBLE mood swings and grumpiness for me. Then a week of happy. Then it's waiting around for the "Right time" to do....what is necessary!

The issue is....you are on a schedule of when you can and can't ....have relations.

As much fun as it is to know, Monday night I'm going to have .....time with my hubby. I also know that if something is bothering me or I'm mad at him for something....it's going on the back burner until after....things have been done.

My hubby is okay with this.

I'm on the fence. I want to have a baby SOOOOOO bad but at what cost??

My question to you is....do you ever 'push through' for the team, just to keep the peace?

Lets Talk About Sex

Not sure if this has been addressed much on this blog and I hope you are all up for some major openness from me. If you don't want to talk about sex do not read any further. If you are okay with discussing... read on.

You're still here? Okay, don't say I didn't warn you.

Hubby and I are coming up on anniversary #10! WOOHOO! (I'm doing the happy dance right now- it's making it hard to type). I have learned a lot about my desires vs. Hubby's desires over this time.

Since I was a virgin until my wedding night I didn't really know what to expect- other than the info I learned from those "maturation" videos in school and the REALLY awkward talks with BOTH mom and dad. Ya, Dad got in on the action too. Don't even go there!

So, since I didn't really have first-hand experience we just indulged in a lot of missionary style activities. It took a while for me to realize that there are other things to do, ways to do it and all that stuff. It has only been in about the last year that I have been very vocal with Hubby as to exactly what I like. I don't like certain parts to be neglected during sex and such. He told me openly where he likes me to kiss him (on his neck under his ear). Good things to know. I just wish we hadn't waited so long to be more open.

It has totally improved our intimacy/sex/whatever you want to call it. Do you openly ask for things? Have you always been comfortable with talking about sex with each other? I want a good discussion going here, so I am hoping to break the record for comments on this blog. Come on people. Get in on the action... I mean the discussion.

Heating it up

We have all heard that women are like ovens and men are like microwaves. Women need time to warm up, but then we can go for hours. Men heat up fast, pop and then are done.

The other night I was talking with hubby in bed... I know- can you imagine we actually conversed? And about something really important to our sex life. Lately he hasn't really gotten my subtle (or sometimes no-so-subtle) hints that I am in the mood. I asked him, "What am I doing wrong?"

He told me (and I am not kidding you- so sorry for the lack of a better, maybe more tactful way of putting this) "Sometimes you just gotta grab the bull by the horns."

WHAT????

Now, I'm not asking what did he mean. I totally understood. I am just wondering how that is even sexy/a turn-on/desirable. I have to be kissed, caressed, and the like before any touching in "that area" is to take place. Of course there are times when I am a little faster and the preshow doesn't take so long, but really, "grabbing the bull by the horns?" Is this common? Do all guys really like that? Am I abnormal as a woman? Let me know!